The other side… somewhat off-topic
welp I guess i'm the evil bitter BM now. Going through a court battle for custody and child support of my son with my ex who is being a total ass. for context i've had majority custody for the past year. a couple months back I told my ex, either we go back to 50/50 custody asap or he needs to start paying support. He said no to both with of course a million lame excuses. I said ok but i will go back to court to have our custody schedule changed then since you don't take your son when you're supposed to but you also don't want to pay me anything for his care. In the past year he's given me $30 for a field trip, thats it. I asked him for help paying for childcare because i would like to return to work full time (something that i haven't been able to do because Ive been the primary caregiver for our son) and that was also a no. His solution? I should leave work halfway through the day, pick our son up from school, drop him off to his gf/baby mama, then go back to work because at least his gf would watch our son for free. all of this just to avoid paying $60 a week to have someone else pick him up from school and watch him until i got off work.
naturally I filed for child support and petitioned to amend custody (because my ex likes to hold the fact that we have 50/50 custody on paper over my head even though he hasn't adhered to that in at least a year). And i just know that my ex and his gf are sitting around commiserating over what a terrible human being I am but you know what? Im done trying to fix things. Im done being the reasonable one always trying to broker a peace. I tried over and over again to get us all to be on the same page and even went out of my way to make his gf comfortable, inviting her into my home among other things. All the while they held a bitter grudge towards me for things I can't even defend myself against because i don't know what they are. But no more. at this point, Im saying f*ck em all.
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You are doing the right thing. It sounds like he has had
You are doing the right thing. It sounds like he has had several chances to fix things and has chosen not to. It is much better to get it all straightened out formally now rather than to just let things go.
You dont fit in the "evil BM"
You dont fit in the "evil BM" character
1. You offered 50/50 custody
2. You did not ask for extra monetary gain aside from what both of you are responsible towards the children
3. You are doing the pick ups and drop offs. Normally this should be shared with your coparent
4. You have had many discussions and given many opportunities to resolve the issues before going to court
Trust me, I have dealt and still deal with crazy BMs (BM1 sex worker and BM2 alcoholic) who have done it all including fake claims in court and always crying about not receiving enough CS, completely neglecting the childrens education and turning them into monsters, refusing to pick up their children at the designated drop off location "because its not their job", withholding the children for months when we arent following their orders and then sending them over to spy and create conflicts by telling them crazy lies or things that are outside their comprehension for their ages causing mental health issues and anxiety
You dont fit in with them from what you wrote
it's funny because I have had
it's funny because I have had primary custody because I wanted to try homeschooling/deschooling with our son so my ex obliged. after about two months (october of last year) i decided to enroll my son back in public school cause he was breezing through his work but missed seeing his friends and cousins. He never got "behind", not once. Even after my son was back in school my ex still didn't return to having our son for full weeks because he was going through some things. I understood and never pushed him to pay CS or get our son half the time cause I didn't want to stress him further. Now, nearly 9 months after the onset of my ex's "personal issues", he's still not abiding by the custody schedule, still not paying for anything for our son, and had the nerve to tell me that my two months of homeschooling set our son behind and I neglected his educational needs! It's truly baffling and extremely frustrating dealing with this idiot...
Treat the deadbeat POS like
Treat the deadbeat POS like what he is.
Go for CS. That way, you can keep the pressure on if he misses payments.
I’m an “evil” BM too!
We have 50/50 week about of DS16. Neither pays CS.
Ex now wants to leave the country for 2-3 months at a time then have full care for a month when he's here. He lost it at the formula assessment of CS. I've said I won't agree to losing my child for a month at a time because of his lifestyle choices and left it to him to make a reasonable offer of child support. I can't tell what he's more angry at - the money or the time. But even the child doesn't want to do more than 2 weeks even with ex buying him a new car as a bribe!
Well played.
Well played.
Well done.
My DW, like you, tried to placate and cooperate with a toxic X and his SpermClan. After a few years of not confronting their crap because she was trying to minimize their toxic shit being slung at SS when he was on SpermLand visitation. I finally got through to her by pointing out that she had let their crap slide for years and they still manipulated, guilted, and lied to SS. She then put her foot on their throats and kept it there for a few years. After a few years she decided they had learned their lesson and she pulled back on the foot to the throat pressure. They immediately took that inch and jumped a mile with their toxicity. Two cycles of a few years of foot to throat followed by a magnanimous belief that they had learned and were no longer toxic, and DW realized that there could be no tolerance and no quarter given. Ever.
My guess is that X and his 2nd family breeder mama really do not want time with your son. Daddy is probably trying to limit pressure on his new breeding partner. Not necessarily a surprise. Many Xs with new families tend to move on from their first family breeding results.
I applaud you putting your foot on X's throat. I would not be surprised if the Judge rules in your favor, drops 50/50 (or not) and orders CS. I would not be suprisied that X will not likely step up much on his parenting time. Though the Spermidiot never had any custody, DW had full physical and legal, he did have 7wks of long distance visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) and rarely saw SS for more than a few hours of any visitation. SS spent his COd visitation time with SpermGrandHag or one of many SpermGreatGrandParents. There were also several periods of a year or more that they declined all visitation.
Go for the $, celebrate that your child is not exposed excessively to the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
My SS-31 (as of yesterday) is an outstanding man of character, honor, and standing in his career and community. His three younger, also out of wedlock, Spermidiot spawned half sibs are not. Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate.
Succeed or fail, or somewhere in between, I am team confront the toxic.
Don't forget to take care of you as you take care of your child.
I have a friend going through
I have a friend going through a similar situation with her ex and she always tells need the same thing; that these "men" (boys) really do fold once you start putting their feet to the fire. I took it easy on my ex for a long time even though he did some VERY unforgivable things even before all this. But now I am just asking for what's fair and he folds to the extreme. I think in my post I mentioned that he had given me a grand total of $30 in the past year to cover our son's expenses. Well he also recently lied to the child support office in our state, saying that he was unemployed and got ordered to pay $68 a month. When I confronted him about this, he said "well you can let me have primary physical custody AND i'll still pay you the $68 a month " Yea thanks but no thanks bud. I'll take my chances in court. Gonna keep applying pressure to his throat until i get what i want, for once.
You aren't an evil BM, just a
You aren't an evil BM, just a parent who is tired of taking 100% of the financial weight of a kid that you had together. That is completely fair and reasonable.
Evil BM's withhold, lie about income, alienate- you are just a parent trying to make it in this world.