This next part of my story is the beginning of my blended family's collapse. In happened on Easter in 2022. First, a little bit of background about my mother, who unfortunately, was a key player. My mother is 78. Her own mother died when she was 12, and she was the primary caregiver in the year leading up to her death. Her father was busy working and cheating on her mother. Her sister, who was 8 years older, had married and moved out of the house. Following her mother's death, her father quickly remarried. The SM had no love or compassion for my mother and she was severely neglected. In time, my mother moved in with an aunt and then with her sister. But the damage was done. My mom has come a very long way from those days, but a part of her will always live in that trauma, and she has the emotional maturity of that broken 12 year old girl. It's hard for me to write this. As a child, I didn't understand all of these pieces and I've had a lot of resentment about my own childhood. My mother would, and has, done anything for me. But she still has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old, and the social maturity to match. Over the Trump administration years (we're in Canada) my mother spent a lot of time focussed on what was happening in the US. Truthfully, many of us Canadians did, She loved Obama and was hopeful that the first female president would be next. My occupation requires a lot of continuing education on equity and diversity, and my children, as young adults in university, are very interested and engaged in discussion on equity and diversity. We've had many discussions around the dinner table about these issues and my mother is eager to be part of them and to understand. But... she's 78 and emotionally immature. And she's largely unaware of her predisposed biases and prejudices. My family is white. My parents immigrated to Canada from Portugal as young adults. 
 

My SD's DH's family is from Guyana. I don't believe anyone in my family or my DH's family ever had a second thought about his background (although I do know that despite our best efforts, we're all steeped in unconscious bias). 
 

We hosted brunch on Easter 2022. My extended family was there, as well as my MIL and my SD and her DH. Everyone knows eachother quite well, and everyone knows that my mother can be counted on to say something inappropriate. She did not disappoint. During pre-brunch discussion, she began asked who the "brown people" are. I'm cringing as a write this and I am so sorry to any readers it offends. She said that she doesn't understand what people mean when they refer to "brown people" and said that when she immigrated, people like her with Mediterranean backgrounds were sometimes referred to as being brown( I have no idea if that's true) but the term "brown people" wasn't used. I heard these comments from the adjoining kitchen and called in to my sister and said "sister, please interrupt our mother". She tried but was unsuccessful. In retrospect, we probably should have just answered her question. Trying to divert her just made her keep asking. DH (also in the kitchen with me) called in "hey, SIL, do you want to take this one?". His intention was to playfully mock my mother while acknowledging to his SIL that we were aware and present. This next part I didn't hear but apparently my SD, who was sitting beside her DH, said "oh look, I've found one" with the same intentions as my own DH. SIL is very dark skinned and my mother replied "no, I know who the black people are". At that point, my DS stepped in and said "let's change this conversation to literally anything else" and we all moved to sit at the table. But the damage was done. SIL was very quiet through brunch and he and SD left before dessert. I was mortified. I'm still mortified. Although I had been getting some weird vibes from SIL, I loved him and considered him an important part of our family. I spoke to my mom harshly after they left. She didn't understand why what she said was offensive and she why I was so upset with her. But she also felt badly that she upset SIL and wanted to apologize. I told her not to. Maybe that was a mistake. I truly believed that my mom attempting to apologize would only lead to her saying more offensive things. 
 

This has gotten very long, and so much of it is  painful to recall. So I'll stop here for now. And fill you all in on the aftermath next time.