I'm not going to let you have it or give you advice. I am going to tell you my heart hurts for you right now and I care. Rant, rave, cry, yell, whatever you need to do, I'm listening and I know I'm not the only one.

That's right - we're here. This does not sound healthy or even fair to you. Your eyes are open- you may have to think through a strategy if you're going to stay in that house. 

What it sounds like you are experiencing with your h (he doesnt earn the title DH), and his DD, is something called "mini wife syndrom". Google it, look it up and search around here.

Its become somewhat common in divorced families with the father and daughter relationship being changed from parent-child to parent-spousified child. Its gross and disgusting and crazy-making because society has programmed us to accept and revere closer-that-close relationships between daddy and daughter. That he has lifted up his daughter above you, makes you feel like you are the "dirty secret sidepiece" and SD is his main partner. You are NOT crazy and no one here will criticise you.

And many of us stay because they share a child and many also feel they have to protect their child from the shared custody that would happen.

You are not alone. When you read around you will find that this is NOT normal and NOT healthy. Im so sorry you are going through this. I would not be able to keep my mouth shut.

I actually went on a vacation with SD and husband and on one of our walks, they walked ahead of me! I complained and he lashed out "Your jealous of a CHILD?" I told him, no I just want to be your partner walking by your side, not behind the two of you. I told him later, that he needs to be my partner. I wont accept anything less than that.

SO, you have a choice, after reading up on mini wife. Stay or leave. If you stay, know that you are modeling relationships and treatment for your children. They are already being treated as less than.

As wife, you still have some power and can get a handle on finances. I would consult with a lawyer to see what you are entitled to, what your options are. And you can tell that h of yours that he needs to help pay for your child together! 

It sounds like your DH is married to his daughter and still enmeshed with BM.  You and your DD take a backseat to his prior family.  That is inappropriate and flat out wrong.  My ex husband was enmeshed and codependent with his son, who was an adult (21) and still living with us at the time I left. My ex would do the same thing at meals, just stare at his son, anxiously waiting for some words of approval about the meal, if none came, my ex would say, "Is it not good?  Do you want me to make you something else?" And sometimes, my ex would make his adult son a separate meal because his son didn't like what we were having.  It just made me want to BARF.  Your DH sounds like he is married to his daughter and she is the miniwife; my ex husband's adult son was definitely a miniwife too.  I hate to say this but I don't think this behavior is changeable. 

You need to really give some thought to your situation.  Think about what you want for you and your daughter and both of your futures.  Somehow, I don't think constant drama and playing second fiddle to DH's former family is something you will be happy with. 

Please keep us posted.  We are all here for you.  Don't settle, you deserve to be happy.

Hugs,

Reedle

A few pointers for you if you are willing to take them:

1. Get out of your feelings. You crying on the couch or looking at your husbands look over his child is a waste of time and emotional energy. You must preserve your emotional energy for those who are worth it. His relationship to his daughters and favoritism cannot be controlled or even hidden. He chooses to flaunt it and wont care, that will be for him to pay when your daughter is old enough to understand and chooses to give him the same importance/space in her life that he gave her all these years. Trust me it will happen. Just dont fall into the "fixer" role 

2. You MUST file married but separate income on all taxes. This way you will be responsible for your debt and he will be responsible for his. You will claim your daughters as dependents since you are the one spending money on food, medical and clothes while he is busy with his queen

3. At the end of the week, you must ask him to reimburse you with an itemized list of all the tax years during which your portion of the refund was sent to his and his ex wife debt. If he refuses, just tell him that he will be responsible for the entirety of the future irs debts until it reaches the amount he owes you and has been taken care of by him. You have to be firm and present that as just a mundane affair. If he chooses to stomp his feet and jump at you, just smile coyly and offer him to repay his debt in other ways (medical or something for the kids) but in no way make him believe that 9 years of refunds going towards him and his ex can be erased/forgotten. 

4. You are in a sexless marriage so you must stop being the beggar and become the chooser. If he wants sex or tries to initiate, meet him with a stern refusal. You must also make him feel that he is "useless" to you and diminish his manhood. For example while watching a movie, if you see a shirtless guy or someone with lots of stamina, you have to exclaim yourself and make it obvious you are admiring something you do not have at home!

5. Your daughter is 9, not 2. Why are you tucking her in? Why are you worried about her nuggies? You are too child centric and infantilizing the 18 and 9 yo. If your daughter cant have nuggets, she is old enough to make herself a sandwich or some eggs. This is not the end of the world. The 18yo must get a job or have a launch plan

6. SD20 is too old to come over for dinner. Just empty the fridge and make sure groceries are gone, every time she comes. The only thing you can offer is coffee/tee or bagged snacks from the dollar store. If he wants to be upset, just let him know that he can take her out to dinner and spend time OUTSIDE of the home. Visitation af 20yo is infantilizing. A 20yo must come with drinks or an assortment of food to share when they are invited into any grown adults house, not the other way around

7. You are too focused on children and husband and wasting your life away as a human. You have to set up your future financially and professionally. Your daughter is 9 and will be 18 in 9 years and your other daughter is over 18,  your husband lives his life and goes to bed at 7pm like a 2yo and YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WAITING TO BE SEEN/HEARD and all you do is GIVE. YOU NEED TO START TAKING. Your kids are in school, time for you to find an outside activity or job out of the house. When you are back, your 18yo must cook and clean 3 days of the week since she does not have a job/school while the 9 yo must be responsible for herself (school, personal hygiene, etc).  You can be mom 4days/week but in a meaningful way

8. Groceries. You must ration food and be disciplined. The children living on nuggets until you get paid is not realistic. Bake bread, make large casseroles that can be eaten for 3 days or frozen,  buy them some ramen at the most, deli meats, cheese for croque monsieur/madame, bagged salad kits, etc. You are driving yourself to a wall for groceries when you could have much more food if you were willing to make it vs processed. I understand processed is easier for children but your girls are old enough to get in the kitchen and prepare food. The 18yo is even old enough to get a list from you and go do some groceries

If you spend your life focusing on children (who will leave soon) and on a husband (who may come and go and has you at the bottom of the list of priorities), you will wake up one day and find yourself in a dark hole with nothing to show for it

I am so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair, and if you're financially struggling, you might be better off ripping off the bandaid now, and applying for chils support, possibly alimony, too, and separating or filing for divorce. Your DH is probably guilty for divorcing and trying to buy his kids' affection.  Screw that. Stop paying half the bills. At best, pay a fair percentage. If he makes 60k, and you make 40k, he pays 60%, and you 40%. There is no way you and your biokids should struggle so Skids can be on easy street.
DH and I have similar SD problems. They have been less severe because BM wanted to keep SD away from me, however, now that SD is 16, and no chance of me parenting her, BM is tired of her, and DH wants to play big happy family. Also, I am pretty sure BM will be glad to get SD out of her house when child support stops.

I am so sorry. You deserve better. 

They are the first born. Special place in his heart regardless of how he and you are treated. You can't change this. My husband chased his ex in courtship and in marriage. She treated him like crap. First born daughter the same. His birthday came and went recently. No call from her and his only grandchild. His reaction?  I don't feel bad at all because she called me the week before.  Get the point?  I think and hope once your SD gets a life she won't be so much in your face. But you can't change your husband's feelings toward this daughter. Marginalize her. And as some else said focus on you and your life. 

What do YOU want to do? Do you want to go to a Family and Marriage Therapist ? Do you want to suck it up for now and stash money? Do you want to stay? Do you want to get a divorce?

Have you thought about that yet? 

I would go to a few sessions with a Family and Marriage Therapist. First by yourself, and then see if bringing in dh would be beneficial. 

jmo

Your DH needs to put the 20yo in her place and end the 20yo interfering in the 9yo's turn.

Or in other words, your DH is toxic idiot.  Just like his failed family progeny.