More introductions and becoming a family…
It look longer for me to meet my future SKs because they were both away at university. Once we did meet, they were still limited opportunities to see them because of them living in different towns. And when they were home, we wanted to balance time with all of us with time for DH and his children alone. His kids were 18 and 20 at the time so, although they were better able to understand that dad had relationship needs, we didn't want them to ever feel like he had found a new family to replace them.
I'm anticipating some comments about giving them too much control. But it wasn't like that. As a teen, I supported two close friends through their parents' separations and introduction to their new family members. I saw the whole thing play out from that perspective and that age, and I saw the damage it did to my friends and their relationships with their parents. Forty years later, one of the friends still has resentment and pain over the way her parents and new SPs just went on with their new lives without any thought to how that might impact their children. I'll also add, that I'm a Child Psychologist, and very aware of the very real trauma that divorce can cause children - it's why I stayed in my first marriage five years longer than I should have. But I digress...
My DH and I continued our own relationship, while giving the kids time to come to their own conclusions. We had confidence that, if they didn't feel forced into anything, they would naturally join in. And they did. In September 2012, DH moved into the home I shared with my kids, with the blessing of all four kids. In the summer of 2013, we planned a trip to my parents' homeland. SS wasn't able to join us due to his own commitments, but SD came. I was happy and excited that she was coming, but also a little nervous. We hadn't spent more than a few hours together at a time, and this was going to me 2 weeks in a small apartment in a foreign country. It turned out to be a perfect bonding opportunity. The condo we stayed at had one bedroom with a queen bed, one bedroom with 2 twin beds, and a pull out couch in the living room. My kids took the twin beds and SD took the couch. That arrangement was short-lived. By the 3rd or 4th night, the twin beds were pushed together and all 3 kids slept together! They stayed up late watching a tv series they'd brought and they all crashed. I fell in love with my SD on that trip, and we spent much more time as a blended family (including SS as well) after we returned.
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I feel
I feel like you are giving the big set up. I too began to really love SD17 Powersulk. Back when she was munchkin, she was super sweet. Some memories I have are of us at a museum and shes surfing on the back of a brass whale. And one time I put her on my shoulders and we ran around laughing. The time when she laughed uncontrollably because we were running around a boxwood maze and she caught me hiding.
Stuff like that made me think there was actually a happy-ending future. Until about 11-12. Then things fell apart.
You're fortunate things went
You're fortunate things went relatively smoothly for you. Most of us are here because it was/is anything but smooth.
Stay tuned…
...they aren't smooth any more.
That's too bad. I love my
That's too bad. I love my husband and skids, but it has been a rocky road. I'm probably one of the rare few who would do it again to be where we are today.
Another of the 'rare few', Ani!
As you know, Ani, I also enjoy an excellent relationship with both my stepson and stepdaughter. My stepson and I hit it off right from the get-go and haven’t exchanged a harsh word in the 38 years of our acquaintance.
Because my stepdaughter was caught up in a loyalty bind (her mother, ‘The Screamer’, hated me, though we’d never met) and because she was a mini-wife and horribly jealous, we had some rocky times the first few years of living together. However, since my husband was consistently supportive and demanded respect from his children, we managed to work through our problems.
In fact, my stepdaughter and her partner were here for dinner last week and, as usual, we had a fine time. The pair are well employed and my stepdaughter continuously spoils me with gifts of jewelry and other items that she thinks I’ll enjoy. She never shows up without a present or souvenir (she’s childless and a world traveller) for me!
I love both of my terrific stepchildren and am grateful to have them in my life. And yes, Ani, sometimes it does get better.
We lucked out, grannyd!
We lucked out, grannyd!
SD27 is the only one who gets along with BioHo these days. Why she is so desperate for 'Ho's approval is unfathomable. *unknw*
Sounds like a fairy tale
UNTIL it isnt
Cannot wait for more installments. Im hooked *acute*
I make no secret that I have just about the Unicorn SParent
experience. A mate who has equivelent life and parenting expecations to what I hold. Day one alignment that if we were going to be equity life partners, and we are, we were also going to be equity parents to any spawn in our marriage regardless of spawn biology. And we raised SS-30 (31 in 8days) as equity parents and with standards of behavior and standards of performance. As it has turned out, SS is an only child in our family. He is the oldest of 4 all out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas in the SpermClan. SS and and #2 are by different baby mamas. #3 and #4 are by the third baby mama.
IMHO, and it is a laymans opinion as far as Child Psychology is concerned, what the kids feel is irrelevant. They should be given the the standards of behavior and performance they will deliver to including that failure to deliver will return consequences. Then focus on their performance. Peformance is not about feelings, it is about results. This should include full information and communication of the facts. A parent engaging in a new marriage should tell their prior relationship progeny that they are entering a new relationship, and inform those kids that they will be respecful of their parent, their parent's relationship, and their parent's mate.
Kids should be required to adapt.
Kid coddling is not a good thing for kids of any age. IMHO. Age appropriate behavioral standards are a key part of being a successful parent.
We all learn parenting from our own experience with our parents, and as we raise our kids/skids. My DW and I raised a man of character who is a viable successful adult and a man of standing in his profession and community. Unlike his three younger half sibs. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate. Those three were raised without standards of behavior or performance.
SS asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.
Of course everything is situational and raising older SKids is a very different thing than raising a toddler Skid. The history at play is very different.
My Unicorn blended family world is simple mainly because DW and I met when SS-30 was 15mos old and I am the only full time dad he has ever known. He always has known his Spermidiot, but the SpermClan is not his real life. It never was. It was his visitation life. As DW was a single teen mom with full physical and legal custody of SS from birth, we did not have the usual drama and manipulations to deal with related to EOW/EOWE visitations. DW left SpermLand for University out of State with SS on her hip immediately after HS graduation, and never again lived in SpermLand.
I'm glad your situation
I'm glad your situation worked out. Honestly though, you can't compare entering a child's life at 15 months and being the primary home, with entering the lives of children who have their own personalities, thoughts and opinions (as they should), have established relationships with their bioparents, and have suffered the trauma of divorce. For all intents and purposes, you're the dad, not the stepdad. Having said that, my DD and DS have a great relationship with my DH. Not because we forced a relationship on them, but because we allowed the relationship to grow naturally. Once DH moved in, they were with him more than they were with their biodad because I had full custody and their dad had visitation. It's very different when you enter the lives of an 18 and 20 year old, who don't live with you. Also, spoiler alert, my SKs turned out to be kind of crappy people. Despite having great parents. Sometimes, nature wins over nurture.
There is no comparison. No doubt.
Your SKids are not likely much different than my SS's three younger half sibs. My SS is #1 of 4 by three different baby mamas. #2 is on the dole. #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind his inmate full sib. The youngest two share the same mother. Though there is no quality in any of the parenting that the three youngest received. Nor is there any quality in either of their parents.
My SS won the mom lottery.
IMHO, structure and standards of behavior and standards of performance allow for children to blossom, build their personalities, and earn their opinions being heard. Standards guide performance. Parents own that. IMHO.
You, obviously, are a great parent. Your children prove that. Evidence would indicate that your SKids did not have that in their lives. For whatever reason.
Your DH obviously can function well in a solid equity life partnership, and in a parent/child environment where there has been quality parenting. That speaks well regarding you, your BKs, and DH.
What was different about your DH and his ability to parent when he and BM were raising their children?
Thank you for those kind
Thank you for those kind words. From all accounts, DH was a fairly strict parent when his kids were young. But he was only 21 when his daughter was born and I think he and his ex focused on a lot of superficial things. I have had few expectations for my kids but the ones I do have are focused on safety and on being good people. I could care less about grades, awards, ribbons etc. DH's ex is a good person but somewhat emotionally immature. When they split, she was way too sad around the kids (then 16 and 18) and both kids accused DH of abandoning the family. And then came divorced dad syndrome. His kids aren't terrible people. They are fully launched and self-supporting. But in the time I've known them, I've never once seen them held accountable by DH, for little things or big things. Someone told me recently that "givers" raise "takers", and it resonated with me in terms of my DH and SKs.