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Feeling blue

Sadielady's picture

Submitted by Sadielady on Mon, 03/10/2025 - 3:12pm

Does the sadness of failed family blending every truly go away? DH and I have been very happy together and today is actually our anniversary. And I should be feeling celebratory but tbh, I'm struggling. When we got married, 7 years ago, all 4 of our kids were by our side, cheering us on. Our extended families and friends were there. (As fast as as we knew) there wasn't a single objection to our marriage. Even our exes were supportive. And then things changed drastically, DH is now no contact with his kids and everyone in his family other than his mom (very low contact). They were awful to me and to us. I should be happy that they're gone. And most days, I am. But today, I just feel sad. I loved my SKs, And I thought they loved me. I miss our Sunday dinners. I miss my DD and SD making faces at eachother across the table when DH says something ridiculous. I miss overhearing my DS referring to SS as his brother. I even miss my MIL texting me within minutes of every doctor's appointment and somehow liking my FB posts within seconds of me posting. And I know now that it wasn't real. That it was love-bombing at it's finest. And I realize now that even when it was good, there were stressors. But today I just can't shake sadness and I can't deny the grief.

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Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 03/10/2025 - 3:46pm

I am so sorry.  Deep breaths.  Those who are not worthy, have no place in our lives.

Obviously, none of them are worthy.

My DW struggled with our version of this for a while.  She goes all in on her effort with her own family.  They don't give a shit.  It took some time for her and us to realize it, but living well really is the best revenge.

With my IL clan, our incredible life, success, and happiness aggravates them to no end.  To the point that they start gnashing their teeth at how "clueless" we are.  They try to spin us buying a new home, or a car, or traveling, or, or, or, or as wasteful, or stupidity, etc...  The prototypical example of this was when my BIL1 was getting married we flew from our home half way across the country to be there for the wedding. Our flight to SpermLand got canceled just after our first flight took off from our city to the connecting city.  To get there for the wedding we booked the last three seats on a flight to a city 4 hours N of DW's home town. There was a massive ice storm on the W coast that wreaked havoc on travel.  I booked a 4X4 rental in the arrival city of our last ditch effort flight.  That airport closed just as we landed. Our flight was the last one allowed to land.  We then drive on closed interstates for nearly 9 hours. It was so icy I had to drive at a snails pace.  We passed a number of cars off in the trees from sliding off of the road.   When we go into DW's home state we actually were the second to last car through the emergency interstate closure barricade.  At the top of the curves we pulled off of the interstate to spend the night with DW's cousin.  The next AM we got onto the interstate as soon as it reopened for the couple of hour drive to DW's home town to get to the rehearsal.  We had no clothing, our bags were who knows where. We hit a mall in the decent sized city not far from DW's tiny home town.  BIL1's bovine then not yet bride and SIL met us at the mall.  In an hour we power shopped for wedding attire, and basic stuff for all three of us. Slacks and jackets for SS and I, shoes for all of us, a couple of outfits for DW, make up, etc.....  One hour, $1000, and the bovin bride was decidedly pucker faced over it.

Unknw

This has gone on at some level for our entire 30 year marriage. Only when DW's give a shit reached zero did the calm return.  She still gets a bit morose over her family upon occasion, but she clearly recognizes that the problems are theirs and not ours. Of course the SpermClan had similar issues over DW and SS living well while they splashed around in their noxious shallow and polluted gene pool.  I have always considered it my place to facilitate that process of living well and to defend DW and SS from the shit people who take issue with our enjoyable life's journey together.    Something I have relished in the doing of.

Give yourself some grace, recognize who the turds in the proverbial blended family punch bowl are, let them be the shit that they are, and enjoy your life.  Living well is what we each owe ourselves.  If that pisses off the toxic, so be it.

Take care of you.

Happy anniversary!

Give rose

Sadielady's picture

Submitted by Sadielady on Mon, 03/10/2025 - 5:47pm

Thank you Rags. I'm so glad that you and your DW have figured it out! It gives me hope. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 03/10/2025 - 6:49pm

Learn the players, know their character, or lack of it, and keep them in their places.  

Take care of you.  No matter how upsetting they may be, you owe yourself to live well.

Drinks

No Name's picture

Submitted by No Name on Tue, 03/11/2025 - 10:43am

Don't be sad.  This is more about them than it is about you.  Celebrate your life and your marriage! 
It took me many, many years to disengage and to realize that "they" are not like me.  "They" care only about themselves.  
It has taken me 21 years to stop wasting my time, my thoughts and my money on them.  It's very difficult at times to get them out of my head but when it comes time to buy a card and gift which I am no longer doing it is actually freeing.  I will never be mean or disrespectful to any of them rather I will just no longer give of myself, my time and my money to those who clearly could care less about me.  You have no control over them, what they say, what they do or what they think.  Live your life on your terms, in your way and when you think of them busy yourself so that you can redirect your thoughts.  It's not always easy but all we can do is try and post here when we need to vent.