6 months of being the stepchilds bitch and making her sandwiches while she is rude and disrespectful....Sounds great for a relationship. Thats definitely what we all dream of when we think of getting with someone lol

is a huge blended family parenting mistake IMHO.  The adult relationship kids are raised as part of is the example that will define their own adult life relationships and how they parent.  If a kid is made the priority, that kid has an erroneus understanding of their position as a child and the adult expecations for children in general.

My DW and I took the opposite position.  The adult relationship that is center of a family, even a blended family, is the unequivocal priority.  Kids and  their wellbing are the top adult responsibility  but not the priority and not paramount.  Kids get no say in the family relationships. They are presented with standards of behavior and  standards of performance, and they are held to those standards by the adults in the blended relationship.  The family is paramount. The family led by the adult couple.  Kids benefit from the quality of the adult relationship.

My parents made it clear to their sons that we were not the priority over our father's wife, or our mother's husband. We were also shown clearly that we were loved but not nearly the priority that mom and dad were to each other.  My DW was raised similarly by her parents.

Our blended family began at a different time frame than yours. DW and I met when SS-30 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.  I raised him as my own.  As our standards for his behavior and performance were established when he was very young, we did not have the mid childhood transition to deal with like you and DH have had.  While the shallow and pollueted end of my SS's gene pool certainly tried to inject the "he's not your dad" drama, we never tolerated it and SS did not try it.  We made the standards clear, we communicated directly with SS on the facts of the blended family situation, and we tolerated no manipulation from the blended family opposition nor did we tolerate any behvioral crap from SS.

6mos of brooding SKid drama would not have been a pleasant thing for the perpetrating kid to have experienced the consquences of in our blended family.  It would not have been tolerated for a single minute, much less for 6mos.  Neither my DW, nor I would have allowed our child to treat or mate with disrespect and neither of us would have tolerated it from our mates failed family progeny.

Like you mentioned is the case with your DD, in some ways my SS is more comfortably talking with me than he is with his mom.  He will talk with me about SpermClan drama and avoids bringing up those discussions with his mom.  I think that is due to how upset it all makes his mom. For me it is just a topic of conversation, I focus on their behaviors, and work with him on how to address toxic behaviors from his SpermClan.  His mom gets angry with them. I give SS the facts, we discuss how their lies are countered by the facts, and we discuss how he can counter their lies in real time with the facts. He learned to pretect himself very effectively as he was growing up, and he protects himself from their toxic crap as an adult.

What did your DH's children bring to the blending effort?  Just curious how your SKids played into the blending process.  How did your Skids accept and participate in the blending of your marriage?  Was your 12yo DD the only one who struggled?

Having the fate of your relationship hinge on the opinions of 4 kids was a mistake. Kids don't know what they want. When i was a kid i wanted to marry my cat. Kids change their minds about things 10 times a day, and in your case there were 4 constantly changing opinions to juggle. That may have set a shiftable foundation of the relationship. But without knowing what exactly happened that was bad, it's hard to say. 

Welcome to the site. I'm glad this has worked out for you. Just so you are aware, this site tends to be the place where folks in unhealthy step/blended family dynamics come to vent. Your attitude and outlook in this situation worked because you had the backing (I assume) of all the adults around your children. Basically, don't be surprised if folks don't agree with the approach you took because others have taken (or been taken by) similar approaches and it went sideways because of many factors often outside the SP's control.

So again, welcome! You don't have to paint a rosy picture of blended family life. We all know it can be hard, that it can suck, and there isn't always a good solution. There is a balance between helping kids cope with divorce and blending families while also not allowing them to dictate your adult life until you die. So, if things are rosy for you, I really am happy for you that they are! If they aren't all sunshine and rainbows, you have my sympathy and any useful advice that I can spew out.

I'm glad it's working out for you. Many of us have taken the "just try harder" approach, spending emotional and financial capital on stepkids who would have none of it. And then we found ourselves here to figure out what happened.

You don't mention HIS kids. Usually stepmothers are even less accepted than stepfathers. Have his kids accepted you, and did you take the same approach with them?

As LtDad said, you are on a site where our attempts at blending have failed due to HCBM, PAS, SKs with zero accountability and the approval of craptastic behaviors directed at us, the SM/SFs (denial of bad behavior is enabling and approving) so be aware.

While I don't know all your dynamics, I am glad things worked out for you. In my world, letting a 12 year old disrespect your spouse for 6 months is, in my opinion, giving a child way too much power and sets a standard. And as LtDad said, things can change in an instant, even with adult SKs. Just search this board and see how many of us deal with the disgusting behaviors of ADULTS in their 30's and 40's. 

When I met DH, my kids (one just in college and one teen) were clearly told, they may not like DH but they WILL respect him in our home or consequences will be handed out. 16 years later, my kids and DH have fantastic relationships. I had the same standard when my former husband re-coupled. Kids were told...respect her or get ready for your consequences. Same outcome. Great relationships all around, including with me. If only my DH had even near the same approach as I did. But no...he chose a "ignore, they will come around." Funny....16 years later and they still try to torment me. SMH

Again, welcome. Glad your approached worked for you. 

I just read your first blog. Are you going to write about what happened 6 months after the wedding? Inquiring minds want to know!!

Also I am dang glad it worked out. Although giving kids the leeway to dictate in my books isnt great. But WTH do I know I have no bios. I just think your DH took too much for the team so to speak.

Blessings

I am interested to hear how this turned out and how it's going. I think her DH stuck with it because she likely supported HIM when the kids were acting up and addressed their behaviors directly. That's the only way it would work. The kids were a priority but not the end all be all is what I get from her story so far.