As you read this I’m probably crying in a corner somewhere…
So it's a long story but let me hit some key points to start off. I have a 5yo stepson that does not have biomom in his life at all. He calls me mom and I don't think that he even remembers his bio mom at all now. I've been in his life since he turned 2 and she only saw him about 3 times after he turned 2 and hasn't seen him since right before he turned 3.
To say that my step son is a hand full is beyond a understatement! He has been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder, but sometime it feels as if he just hates me. He's always acting up, but when his dad isn't around it's 100x worse. He gets very angry and does things that he knows will push me to the edge.
He's been slowly getting worse and it scares me. He usually gets very angry and he has threatened with hitting me with toys or other objects, but would never follow through, but recently he was upset because I wouldn't let him be out in the yard by himself (he's ran away down the road before) that he came out of his room with a bat and hit me 3 times before running back into his room. When I went in after him he threw the bat at my face.
I called his dad at work so he could talk to him and try and calm him down, and of course as soon as he saw me pull my phone out he stopped the screaming and yelling and just sat quietly on the bed, and went right back to acting like a maniac once I hung up. He was jumping up and down on the bed, kicking the walls, throwing toys everywhere and telling me that he can do whatever he wants and that he hates me and wants a new mom.
I gave up that day and just let him do whatever he wanted and destroy his room while I went to my room and cried feeling defeated.
That night when my husband got home he could tell that I was upset and kept asking me "what's wrong"... I didn't want to say anything at first because that conversation always goes the same way... and it sure did again.
i finally gave in and let him know that I was so tired of the situation and I felt lost and didn't know what to do. Straight away my husband became so defensive and said "well I'll make it easy and get him out of your way" and accused me of giving up on him just like everyone else. He also said that he can't believe he acts so different when he's not around and wondered what could make him act like that.. it sounded to me like he was accusing me of doing something to set him off.
All I wanted was for him to comfort me and make me feel better for having to deal with all that after having worked all morning myself. I really felt like just letting him leave that day, but I love both of them despite it all and I couldn't do it.
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ODD is very difficult to deal
ODD is very difficult to deal with. Is SS in therapy? It takes the adults working together for any progress to be made. Therapy for SS if he isn't already in it and a parenting coach for the adults to get on the same page and learn techniques that will help. Either his dad gets on board now, or this is going to get much worse. SS may have ODD, but right now the majority of your problem is a dad one.
What a sane, knowledgeable response
Thanks for your calm response. You're 100 percent correct. The only other thing I'd suggest is cameras if DH refuses to see reality right away. This child sounds dangerous.
Yes, cameras the other thing
Yes, cameras the other thing I was thinking is record him on your phone
Cameras
Yes I'm ready to invest in some hidden cameras. I've tried with my phone but he won't act like that if he knows he's being recorded or when he knows I'm calling his dad.
Step son with ODD
Yes he sees a psychiatrist and therapist as well as support from his school for his ODD, and sometimes it seems as if there's light at the end of the tunnel, but then it's like we start the cycle all over again. I know it's not his fault but I feel so defeated most days. I feel deep in my heart that I'd feel defeated and drained even if he was my bioson, but his dad doesn't feel that way he thinks that I can't deal with it because he's not actually mine. I would never leave him because of SS and I even now still want to one day adopt him so he will be mine, but I don't know what to do if his dad continues to think this way of me.
It's easier for his Dad to
It's easier for his Dad to put it on you and guilt you for being worn down than it is for his Dad to actually deal with the problem. Cameras for proof because at some point this child will realize lies work too and you will be accused of horrific things. I know it seems harsh to do but you need to protect yourself.
Edit to add: it sounds like he's already showing you that he can turn off his behaviors when he chooses to,
Bullshit it isn't his fault. It is definately his fault.
5yo is long past old enough to know that beating someone with a baseball bat is wrong. Whether he has the syndrome of the month or not.
And it is his idiot father's fault for tolerating this crap from his shit failed family progeny.
smh
That y ou won't leave this failed man is entirely on you. Staying is your choice. As such, the consequences of staying that you suffer and entirely your fault.
Get your head out of your own butt and save yourself.
Do you work outside the home?
Do you work outside the home? Will SS be attending kindergarden in the fall? Maybe if someone else cares for him part of the time, they will see what you see and that may help open Dad's eyes. Has BM relinquished her rights?
I had an exSS who had ODD.
I had an exSS who had ODD. His father used to yell at me and teachers and therapists demanding to know "What did YOU do to make HIM act that way". It was always someone else's fault. I was always the bad guy. (Our marriage lasted less than a year and whole relationship less than 2- I was an idiot).
My only advice is, don't be alone with him. Your DH needs to be the one who is taking him to and from daycare/ before and after school care. If he wants to do something on the weekend, he will have to take his son or find someone willing to babysit. He needs to remove you from the care plan situation.
This will cause a huge fight but I promise things are only going to get worse with ODD. Your husband is going to have to really see things first hand for a while in order to be able to get you the support you need.
Honestly... this sounds
Honestly... this sounds incredibly difficult to deal with.
But.. why are you at home with the boy alone? Do you work from home.. or just stay at home to care for him? or do you have other kids you are staying home with (scary considering his violence).
What is the balance of your relationship with his father.. because the option I would be picking is leaving.. I could not deal with what you are facing.. and it will be for another 15 or 20 years with an increasingly aged and larger male.. nope.
your SO seems dismissive and almost blaming of you for complaining.. being hit with a bat? nope.. no way.. I would have packed my bags and told him that you would not return.
I'm With ESMOD
I could not live like this...with the constant threats of endangerment to myself and my well being. Add in your SO blaming YOU? Oh, hell no. As ESMOD said, this kid will grow stronger, taller and bigger....and you WILL be assaulted if you continue being so involved with him. He behaves when his dad is around? Then let his dad take care of HIS kid. SMH
I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. This is a diagnosis I would NOT subject myself to, regardless of how much I loved the guy...even if he were a postive in his own kid's life...which he's not. Denying and blaming doesn't put him in his kid's corner. Best to you.
I read your post with wide
I read your post with wide eyes. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and not getting the support you need. I have a 4 year old step-son who just got diagnosed with Autism, may have ADHD, still wears diapers, still smears his poo because he can't be potty trained, and is showing signs of behaviour problems and his bio mom just willingly signed papers to give us full custody of him starting next August. And all of this came about AFTER I got married to my husband. I can't imagine what you're dealing with having a stepson with ODD. Giving you a virtual hug!
((HUGS))
Welcome to the site. Vent here as much as you need to.
Firstly, you and your DH need to absolutely be on the same page or it will not work. His not supporting you is your biggest issue. Get those recording devices. If you do not have a job, get one.
This sounds like an aweful situation. Being hit with a bat? Thats crazy bad. And I thought I had a bad sitch, being accused falsley and threatened with CPS.
First of all you must find out what wrong with this kid
. You need help with him. You are not married to SO, This kid isnt going away. ITS ONLY GOING TO GET WORST.
Maybe it's time to cut and run
This reminds me of the movie
This reminds me of the movie "We Need to Talk About Kevin." From a very young age the kid exhibits ODD-type behaviors but they are mostly targeted at the mom. The dad doesn't believe her and makes her feel like she is overreacting or somehow causing the behavior. He doesn't back her up. Kevin ends up killing the dad and the sister and a bunch of other kids but sparing the mom so she can continue to suffer.
At your young age
I would leave Daddy and Damien in the dust.
Oh, Hon!
Oh, Hon!
It makes me so sad and frustrated to read posts like yours. Because you've written:
~ I would never leave him because of SS and I even now still want to one day adopt him so he will be mine ~
it seems unlikely that you will save yourself and the one, precious life that you’ve been granted, in preference to being a martyr to a selfish man and his incorrigible son. What advice have you received from your mother and other family members? I’m sure that they would love to see you liberated from a relationship that can only bring further and greater unhappiness.
Your step-son is dangerously out of control and your appalling domestic situation is worsened by the fact that your husband has blinded himself to the seriousness of his son’s conduct. The man is not only unsupportive but is gaslighting you by accusing you of having set the boy off, rather than facing facts. Clearly, your husband should be defending and comforting you, rather than behaving as if his child’s acting out were your fault.
I’d love to think that the advice you’ve been given on this site will encourage you to think, deeply, about your marriage and take the difficult but necessary steps to liberate yourself from an intolerable state of affairs. However, I fear that it’s a forlorn hope.
Cameras are a must. If he
Cameras are a must. If he doesn't act up when he knows he's being recorded, use this to your advantage, Every time he acts out, record him. Get security cameras installed in the home (you can get these pretty cheap on amazon, in a pinch you can use old devices with the Alfred app for free) & let him know they are there & are always recording. If the behavior stops, all the better.
Your DH is a problem. ODD kids are extremely stressful. If you can't vent too your DH, this makes the situation even more tenuous. It's my hope that he too is stressed and doesn't know how to handle these behaviors. Couples therapy. A neutral third party who will help to get you both on the same page might be helpful.
Reach out to the experts & school for more supports, especially behavioral supports. If he hits you with a bat at 5, what will you do when he is 10-12 and is bigger then you? You and DH need to get a handle on this now. A behavior specialist will help you come up with a concrete plan on how to handle outbursts.