Guilt-Riddled Disneyland Dad......UGHHH!!!

***Sorry so long***

So just when I start to feel sadness, confusion, and maybe my own guilt (about quietly quitting/leaving this relationship).... this dude goes into full on GRDD and then all those feelings disappear into anger, annoyance, and the thought of "I'm glad I'm going to leaving this sh*tshow very soon"

So the power goes out all over the city. HCBM and our power is out.

This dude is completely oblivious to the fact that as a MAN you should be providing and protecting (especially in states of emergency). I have to tell his obtuse ass to bring his wide ass back to this house and he better come with some batteries and laterns.

I also told him my devices are all dead, so unfortunately I need to leave the house to go charge up. (again no awareness that I can't reach anyone like 911 if every mobile device is dead and he's too cheap to provide a housephone in emergencies like this).

Now it's time for me to trek out for an outlet, food, etc.....but instead of him getting those items like I asked, he is being cheap, insisting I get the items while he prepares to leave work. Then insisting that I ask my dad to stay with him (which I thought was odd because last time power went out he was clinging to me and insisting we hunker down together in a hotel my family paid for but was too small for his kids

Whatever. I get the items but by this time it's 9pm and everything is now closed.

I have to abandon my idea to drive a few min. over to starbucks (since its now closed for the day) and now I end up driving all over the mfing city to find a place that is 1) open after 9pm and 2) has outlets where I can sit down and charge up without getting kicked out 3)didn't get affected by storm and also has power ..... I find a CFA and eat/charge up for an hour

The whole time this a$$cruncher is complaining "oh if I knew you would be out and about I would have stayed at work!"

I raged at him like "YOU asked me to detour from my orignial plans to help you buy something as a man you should have already bought for the household" "If I'm not at the house right now it's because YOU refused to get the items like I asked" "That's literally why I asked you to leave work early"

Anyways.....

When I get back to the house about 11:20pm he ironically helps me open the garage but then he's like "oh I gotta run somewhere, I'll be back"

He has no qualms leaving me and my female daughter by ourselves in the dark with no security while he randomly traipses off to allegedly "see if his relatives down the street have power" .... well they have a backup generator (like you should have) so of course they have power you idiot!

When he returns a few min later.....He storms in like a frazzled baby mama talking about 'My daughter is so scared right now and I feel soooo bad for her.'

I was like 'Dude, get a grip!....those kids are just fine with their mother, your son (if you raised him properly) will step in a comfort her, her mother who has half a brain should comfort her, and if it comes down to it you can either factime her till she falls asleep OR go over to your exwifes house and come back when she falls asleep'

He's like 'OR I can go pick her up and bring her over here so her daddy can comfort her and protect her'

First of all why is his default solution to everything to go get physical custody of his kids??? We're in the heat/dark/with no groceries too...What makes this idiot think I want to hear his kids complaining about how hot and hungry they are once they get here?

And secondly this is prime example of who this dude has no problem leaving me and my daughter to fend for ourselves, be on the road at night procuring items HE should have procured, all so he can focus his energy on smothering (i mean 'protecting') his daughter who has a mom and male sibling to protect her......

His behavior during natural disasters/emergencies = worthless male / mini - spouses protection is more important and mine/my daughter's protection wasn't even a thought (or it was like Ill see if someone else can protect my partner while I focus on rescuing my kids from my manipulative ex-wife)

While he did leave his kids with their mother as he should have.....just the thought of him considering / constantly running this Weak Bitch/Beck and Call service completely repulses me.

This incident just further let me know I must proceed with my plans to leave.....no turning back.

Lillywy00's blog
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He is not

Ready for a relationship. As a poster long ago noted, these men should have a huge, dark red "UNDATEABLE" tattoo on their foreheads. His loyalties still lie with his failed first family.

Exiting will be worth your while.

Yep...I agree...

I have no doubt this is part of the manipulation tacting on behalf of their c*nt mother.....So miserable and wanting this dude back at any costs so she can have unfettered access to her B.B.C. service (not that kind of bbc).

HCBM be like...."hey let me be a temporary c*nt to my kids, so I can force them to call my exhusband who I know his guilty ass will come running when I use these kids to make him run" "Let me guilt this dude to make MY kids come first above that woman and whoever else"

LOL @ the tattoo on their foreheads!

I think his actions are just reminding me why I am chosing to leave and to stay the course with my exit plan and not get wooed into his words because he probably say anything just to keep his free bill assister/free maid around.

Gut punched

Man oh man, something he isnt capable of.

So glad you are leaving its like you get gut punched over and over.

Do ya think he will go back to BM once you exit stage left?

Blessings

I think that incident/gut

I think that incident/gut punch is what I needed to see to let me know that I'm doing the right thing quit quitting/quiet leaving....If he doesn't care about hurting me/leaving me vulnerable so he can "rescue" his kid from imaginary danger then I wont care what hes thinking/feeling when it's time to abandon ship

He's bringing it on himself and he's too obtuse to see his upcoming fate.

As far as getting back with his BM......Yeah he'll get back with her if he wants to downgrade...

He might as well go back to that beast. She has the "If I can't have you no one can" mentality and I doubt any sane woman with some common sense will want to put up with submitting to being his free house sl@ve/free mammy AND help him pay bills

how far off is your exit date

how far off is your exit date?

Shit .... not soon enough.

I've been ready to leave this dude since his ex-wife rolled her monstrous ass back in town with her human manipulation toys then settled in 7 minutes away so she could more easily use her kids to run her B. Beck and Call service.....Super easy to get this idiot to run his 24/7 ex-wife uber service when its just a mere minutes away.

Thank goodness the downpayment coming through in mid-sept. (I'm going to use this time to carefully as to not arouse suspicion sell/give away items; disconnect shared accounts; improve credit; etc)

But until then I got to muster up the strength to forgive his weekly infractions so that he has no clue that I might leave.

Glad you have a plan

I'm glad you have a plan, and hope you have sanity long enough to execute it smoothly!

Since you and your daughter are going to be out soon, might I just suggest that it's YOUR job to keep her safe? Why do you think it was HIS job to have all the things you might need in the house in case of a power failure? Your daughter has one person to rely on to keep her safe - you. I get it if it was unexpected and you just moved in (that may be the case?), but otherwise I don't see purchasing and having on hand the things that might be needed in an emergency as a gender-based role. You are woman, hear you roar. And since you're about to be an indepent woman, leaving him in your dust, I hope you model to your daughter that you are enough to keep her safe and cared for.

Sorry if the above comes off as judgey, it's just the "helpless maiden relying on her man for protection" vibe of what you wrote that gets my feminist hackles up. I totally get that you were hoping to work as a team, and he blew that. His focus wasn't on you, it was on his daughter. That makes him a good dad, but a poor spouse.

Girl if I relied on this dude

Girl if I relied on this dude for protection......I'd probably be dead

I see what you're saying too but I guess I'm thinking "if mother's are capable of protecting their kids" then why wouldn't he let their mother protect them like I have to protect mine?

And I was thinking like 'you're trying to go "rescue" this girl from one hot/dark/foodless house just to bring her whiny arse to this hot/dark/foodless house?' ..... there was nothing to 'save' her from just some imaginary threat created by manipulative bio mom (she probably was like 'ugh im sick of this kid acting scared of the dark now call your dad and let him deal with you)

I just think it's unfair whenever she's annoyed by her kids (which is damn near every other day) she gets a "Get out of parenting ... FREE" card / pings her Bitch Beck and Call service/ This dude drops everything and comes running

None of it is ever a real emergency (except the one time she faked like she was sick and left her daughter stranded at school at a dance in the evening)

This was nothing more than his Ex-Wife's manipulation event to create a fake emergency, pretend she can't deal with her own kids, then ping this dude to "rescue" from a non-existent threat, and make me look like the jealous wench if I object.

LOL!

LOL...(sorry, not at you, with you!) Good to hear you've got this covered!

I'm glad your leaving.. he

I'm glad your leaving.. he def is not a help..

But..you are also an adult in the home.. and making sure you have batteries.. flashlights.. etc.. those are things you could do as well. Women are not and do not have to be helpless in these situations.

I also am thinking your phone could have been charged in the car? in your driveway? that's what we do when power is out.. we don't worry about laptops and tablets.. though with proper cables and converters these can also be charged in cars.

I think you should just start operating as if he isn't there/capable of helping.. just do you.

I did agree to procure the

I have an old ass iphone which would take an extremely long time to charge in my car as the port is not as powerful as a wall outlet (plus my owners manual recommends not to leave my old ass car on/running longer than 10 min) which is why i didn't use my car.

I also live in one of the most dangerous cities in America so it's not safe for women/kids to be out past dark especially not without apurpose and some weapons.

Which is why I felt uncomfortable with him tasking me to do the latern/batteries (in addition to charging) because I ended up being out much later in the evening because now I'm out in this ratchet city late night pananoid af.

But yeah - I'm just gonna protect myself cause he's not doing it to my standard.

It sounds like maybe you are

It sounds like maybe you are waffling between whether or not to leave. Still having expectations of him in hopes that he will finally change to be the man you need him to be, and you won't have to leave. He is who he is, and you haven't been happy.

You're right. I was waffling

You're right. I was waffling back and forth in my mind and feeling guilty.

The more I have to 'stay till the right time' vs. leaving immediately is messing with my mental state because 'playing nice' is making my brain think 'maybe it isnt so bad' 'maybe i'm overreacting' 'maybe I'm the problem'

This is probably a whole nother blog but Last weekend was our 'anniversary'. He confessed his desire to want to work it out, to be a better partner like how he was in the beginning, etc.....I couldnt tell if it was just a thinly veiled attempt to keep his free house sl@ve or if it was really what he was feeling and then I sarted envisioning how my actions (leaving without much warning) would affect him.

IDK maybe deep down he will be glad I'm gone from this house so he can freely run his BBC service.

I guess I can't worry about his reaction.

You're right. He won't change unless he wants to. It's really hard to teach old stubborn dog new tricks.

Trying to change a man, or

Trying to change a man, or trying to change yourself to keep a man who is no good for you, is not worth the cost to your soul. Either way, it makes you turn into someone you don't want to be.

I actually felt that comment

I actually felt that comment in my soul.

The cognitive dissonance I've been experiencing the past year and half has caused me so much anxiety.

What's your timeline for

What's your timeline for leaving GRDD? I hope for your sake it's soon.

Me too.

The pretending is weighing on me

I'm getting downpayment in a couple months so until then I'll be prepping to 'untangle' myself from this dysfunction whilst hoping he doesn't notice.

I know you're planning to leave, but....

I know you're planning to leave, Lily, but once you do, I hope you won't leave us. I like reading your comments, you see things pretty clearly. Good luck.

I plan to stay on the forum

I plan to stay on the forum if I'm allowed because I probably will have residual stepparent feelings I need to release. plus if I can help someone relate to what they're going through to ease the tension then I'd like to do that.

I really do feel kind of bad about all of this. I thought I could deal with those kids but it's just too much and I know, like someone mentioned above, he is OVERLY hyperfocused on his kids to the point he does not really make a good partner and should just be single till his kids turn 18 (not dependent on him which will probably be never). He just needs to stay single and be a full time dad by himself or back with his monstrous ex-wife.

I like reading your comments too and the other helpful peeps on here too

I agree with the JRI comment

I agree with the comment by JRI above - I hope you post here once you leave so we can read about the night and day difference you will be experiencing once you've left. Also your comment, "First of all why is his default solution to everything to go get physical custody of his kids???" made me laugh because my husband did the same thing once during a situation his son's mother was having and his first reaction was instantly, "I gotta go get SS!" Actually, no you don't. And he didn't end up getting him that day lol

EXCATLY....Like yeah go get

EXCATLY....Like yeah go get them if their life is in danger but cotdamn! I'm sick of every single whim and fake crocodile tear = "I gotta go rescue my kid from the danger I created in my mind"

This dude literally wanted to rescue this kid from being hot/in the dark......just to bring her to a house and be hot/in the dark

Make it make sense?!?

He knew it was dumb to run around at 11:45pm, trek deep into the hood where she lives (heck they'd be in more danger traveling around gang territory that late), just to bring her into the exact same situation (a hot/dark house with spoiled groceries). I could possibly see his rationale if we had power and they did not. But that wasnt the case.

When it came down to it....he admitted that their mom was irritated and sick of dealing with her complaining and whining about being in the dark.

Well, if single mothers all across the city are dealing with their kids, comforting their kids, and protecting their kids during the power outage then SO SHOULD SHE!!

"Heifer you get respite from your kids EVERY MFING WEEKEND (and not one second sooner)....so stfu, sit down, and take care of your kids like every other single mother in this city with no power."

"First of all why is his

"First of all why is his default solution to everything to go get physical custody of his kids???"

This is not the first time he's done this.

Anytime their mother yells at them, they call him complaining and demand to be immediately picked up. Then they get bored, hot, hungry here - complain to their mother and demand to be taken back to her. These kids are running everything.

One time his mother yelled at their son for being a messy slob, this dude's solution = 'what to you think if i get custody of my son?'

I was like 'bruh, is your ex-wife gonna pay some child support for him?' "you're gonna pull your son out of school mid year just to have him live with you over some petty squabble with his mother?!?" - I could see if this lady was abusing tf out of them but expecting them to clean up after themselves is fucking normal expectations and if your son is gonna whine about chores then he's really gonna lose his shit over here (cause I don't play these let my kids be bumps on a log games) and request to be back with his mother
go get custody but I'm not helping you because I think it's unnecessary and you'll be so focused on being taking care of kids/Mr. Mom that you'll expect me to take care of your kids while you work overtime/have me providing being the man of the house

Another time this dude was agreeing to pick up his son (during his ex-wife's parenting times) right before he went to work, took him to the gym, took him for food, etc....

Did all this because he felt 'guilty' his son was sitting at home alone. Bitched and groaned The.Entire.Week about his 'broke bestie' (yeah he's sure learning from you dude) and how tired he was.

I said dude pay the mfing $50 and send him to camp for a week or take him to CFA and make him learn some responsibility, earn his keep, and help him stay out of trouble.....

His solution = "Or maybe he can just come here every day so I wont have to drive 7 minutes to his moms house and this would be easier to me"

I rightfully objected because his son is messy as hell and cleaning up after his slobs more than 1-2 times a week is beyond my paygrade.

There is no need to have his kids living here full time unless their mother is physically abusing them and she's not. She just fake emotionally abuses them to keep her "ditch my child(ren) but collect child support checks" coming and her "24/7 Bitch Beck and Call service" up and running.

This woman is not a bad parent.....she's just salty the dude doesn't want her (supposedly) and she's using the kids to keep him running at her demands/prevent him from having success with anyone that's not her. Whatever. That c*nt wins! and she can have her BBC service back running whenever/however she pleases