OT How Do You Choose?
Have y'all ever been in a position where you had to choose between one man (or woman) and another man (or woman)?
What helped you make the choice? And had the choice ever been hard to make?
How do you determine between divulging too much information (leaving you with zero choices) vs not divulging enough (and the prospective partners thinking you're not transparent/lying/playing games/etc)?
- Lillywy00's blog
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In a work situation
In a work situation, I finally learned to always go with my gut. In my earlier years, I tried to make hiring decisions based only on hard info, like education and resumes. Eventually, I learned that ability to fit into our work culture was most important. Of course, these folks always had the "hard" requirements, too. But between two equally qualified people, my gut always went with the one who"d fit in best. (Made many mistakes in the early years that I had to live with a long time.)
That's my problem...scared to
That's my problem...scared to make a mistake with my choice
But as you say .... trust your gut with who you think will fit in best
As a " mature" student...
I went to night school to get my BS, I was in my 40s and employed as a manager. I was in a computer program that included business classes. Some of my classmates were brilliant computer guys. The business management teacher was talking about hiring practices. He asked me what I looked for when hiring. I could see some of my classmates sneering and thinking, " I'd be the obvious candidate!" I talked about the ability to look like they'd fit into my company's conservative culture. I tried to stress that they didn't have to share those values (I dont) but if you want to be successful there, you have to look and act like you can walk the walk, regardless of personal brilliance.
I do the same thing when interviewing candidates.
I trust the screening process to deliver actually qualified candidates. I do screen resumes and set aside any that for whatever reason make it to the next step stage if the background is not appropriate for the role. After that, interviews are really just fit checks. Interview only pre-screened qualified candidates and asses them in the interview for cultural fit.
I have always felt bad for those not selected but no guilt and no regrets. Experience and qualifications build the resume, the resume gets you an interview, the interview gets you the job. After that it shifts to being about performance. I have had a number of extensive courses/seminars on hiring, behavioral interviewing, etc... I am a believer in the premise that past behavior is the best predictor of future performance.
Engineers are the worst to interview. Nearly all of them think that hiring them should be a given since. Nope, even if you are a miracle worker as an engineer, that does not make you a fit for the role in a particular organization. The days of wire head geeks being locked in a lab cranking out miracle products are long gone. Collaborative empowered organization environments will outperform lone ranger brilliance every time. Injecting a bad fit into a team can be exceptionally destructive.
"Give us an example of a time you ..... (confirming what the hiring org has determined is a critical skill they want)." Soft skills are critical for personal and organizational success. Companies are shifting back to this philosophy after a phase of focusing nearly solely on technical ability and burdening leaders and managers with high drama heros. Constant heroic action is counter to continual performance optimization in organizations. Organizations need skill that can work collaborative in delivering highly reliable boring predictability. It may be surprising that best practice based boring predictability is also maximizes innovation. Clear work practices drive efficiency which frees up time for knowledge workers to innovate. Basically this overlays a paradigm step change curve on a continuous improvement curve which delivers incredible results. The true challenge is maintaining clarity for Execs to stay the course rather than changing back to the way it was done before. Which drives me nuckin futz!!!
IMHO and experience anyway.
I was once in a similar
I was once in a similar position. I ended up choosing neither because my thinking was that i wasn't really into either of them if the choice was so hard. But wtf do i know, i'm here on this site!
^perfect reply
^perfect reply
i feel that too
sometimes my mind is so boggled trying to make the "right" choice that I'm thinking eff this! Let's just get rid of being in the position to make the choice all together
So, don't make a choice.
If you are open with them, then just see where it all goes. No need to beat yourself up over this. It is okay to live our life with a series of potential partners that interst you. As long as you and they are clear on it.
When the one arrives, you will know. Be aware, and take care of you.
Have you heard of the Wise Mind concept?
Google "emotional rational wise mind" images and you'll get some useful Venn diagrams with prompts/questions, but essentially we need both, rational and emotional (your gut) mind, and where those two overlap we get Wise Mind. Also, as women we're usually gifted with with a good gut instinct (our subconscious/animal brain quickly processing sensory and intellectual input and giving us a quick output), so I'd tune in to that.
In regards to how much to share with anyone - I'm of the firm opinion that people don't automatically get our trust, but must earn it over time and with consistent, trustworthy behaviors. And even then, we might decide to keep parts or all of our story private. It's up to us when, if ever, we share our story with the other.
The one that fits
Your life style, you goals in life. Questions like. Do you drink? Does he. ? Do you gamble? Does he ? Do you want to be with friends abd family ? Does he ? Do you want kids ? Bio. Does he. ? How are you with money do you save or not , -Do tyyou care about how you spend your money. do you spend your money on stupid things. QVC the tool channel ? How much money do you earn ? How about him? Do you gave savings retirement accounts own a home ? How about him ?
How do you vacation ? How dies he ? [hiking rock climbing vs pool drunks resort] Does he ? Big does he have kids ? How dies he handkerchiefs the kids and his ex. ? We were burnt on this one before?
You know people really don't change So what you see is what you get. That's why a long time to get to know that person is importance. They can't keep up an act to long.
Some one who lived 30 something years. Has to e set in his ways..like you are. You both must change a little to live hapless ever after.
'The main problem is people lie . To look good . They will tell you what you want to hear with no intentions of doing so...
'That sexual attraction only laste so many years. The old seven year inch . Thing. Your SO must be like you. If you like to drink and so does he both of you can enjoy drinking together. If one dies and one doesn't it becomes a problem. Just some thing to think about
^great questions to ask
^great questions to ask
and good food for thought here
Wisdom built through experience Harry.
Thanks for sharing that wisom.
For me, even though I'm not
For me, even though I'm not dating, I've been paying attention to men who are interested me and, so far, each one has been ruled out for one reason or another.
Normally, I would say "trust your gut" but when it comes to romance, my gut has betrayed me. Maybe I shouldn't call it a gut instinct, but more of a habit of being attracted to a person who behaves in a way that is familiar because of my childhood traumas.
In other words, I seem to attract and am attracted to emotionally unavailable or avoidant people. It's how my father was, so I have found myself being drawn to people like that.
People who are emotionally available and truly interested in me often seem boring - or awkward.
My answer would be........time. What's the rush? Why do you have to choose one or the other? Can't you date both? I'm assuming that's what you're talking about.
If I was with an attractive, intelligent, funny, stable guy who was unclear about what he wants or was inconsistent but we had chemistry, and I had also met a guy with the same attributes, but was super clear and consistent (but boring), THIS TIME, I would invest more energy into Mr. Boring. I would get to know the guy who didn't spark chemistry because chemistry has betrayed me too often.
I don't want the firey passion straight out of the gate. I want closeness to build over time, and with genuine love, the passion will grow - a slow burn.
So, tell us more. How long have you been dating both guys?
My answer would be.......
yes.
I did decide to keep my options open for now and pray they don't drill me for deeper information yet/quickly show me if they'll be long term compatible
Both seem like sweet kind men
One of them is very successful, travels, has no kids (YASSSS! - no steplife nonsense), family oriented, owns very nice home land two luxury cars, cultured/with advanced degrees ... but I just met him 3 weeks ago and not sure if he's ready for long term commitment (haven't dove into this topic yet)
The other I've known for a bit he's family oriented, just purchased a home (but it's half the value of the first guy and much smaller), not as financially established, unfortunately has kid, but affectionate and ready for long term commitment/marriage
I feel like I should absolutely rule out kids knowing the numerous challenges from prior relationship
But like you say I'm trying to figure it out and take it slow
Hell might just be single to save myself the mental gymnastics trying to figure it out
Now may not be the time. That
Now may not be the time. That's Okay.
To start... it depends on if I am interested in long term.
I am an all in BF. However, I do not consider myself a BF when I am in a dating phase of my life. I did have a phase where I would stick early when the person I was dating was just dating. I learned from that. Just because I am feeling the relationship does not mean she is beyond just enjoying spending time together. When I am in dating mode, I am not overly invested and if we enjoy time together that is what we do. If not, I move on.
If it all clicks for me I go into BoyFriend mode and my expectation is a monogamous relationship. That does not mean a forever thing. Just a no bullshit BG/GF thing. If they are not at that place, I move on. Returning to dating mode until someone catches a deeper interest from me.
After 3+ years of dating after my divorce I hit a phase where I met 4 wonderful women. I had dated actively starting the night of the day XW and XFIL drove off with her stuff loaded on a truck and trailer. As they pulled out of the neighborhood, the locksmith pulled into the driveway.
DW was the last of those 4. Prior to meeting DW one of the other three had floated and I was very interested in her. A very active dynamic young woman ,recent University grad, and ... our parents had gone to University together so I had known her for a very long time. She was about 7yrs younger than me. Then I met my DW. It was one of those immediate things.
The 2 other women who were wonderful were both single moms. One with a mid teen and one with a 6yo. The vision did not work for me with them. The one with the 6yo was just not a parent I was interested in experiencing in a mate. Her kid was very difficult and I had no tolerance for that. The other woman was very close to me investing in a relationshop with. That they had kids may have been part of why I chose not to invest in those relatonships.
DW was just different. I was different when I was with her.
I had plans for TG with the other front runner to spend it with her and her family at her Uncles house. Unc was a former Federal govt cabinet secretary and State governor. I had no issues with backing out of that event and having TG with a single teen mom who was clearly someone very special.
I was not ready for a commitment, though I certainly made one and so did she. From our first date. I graduated Uni 3mos after we met. I left for my first post degree career out of State. Neither of us expected more at that point. It made no sense. She was halfway through her Freshman year of Uni with a toddler on her hip. My phone bill said something entirely different. After a few months of insane phone bills, a couple of visits to see her, her visiting me, it became clear that it was what it was and we were what we are and have been for 30+ years.
My pre DW history taught me that naive commitment to a partner who is not commited and who proves not to be who we throught they were and who they presented themselves to be is incredible seld destructive. Keep test driving intil you find the right person. That may not bean a commited life partnership. It may be that the future is a series of intimate relationships. That is okay if that is what is healthiest for you.
When you know, you know. One way or the other.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
If I were to find myself
If I were to find myself single. Heaven forbid.
I think I would take things far slower than was the case with my DW. I would likely limit any 3rd dates to either non parents or to financially secure confident women with successfully launched older children. Teens or even early 20s kids would be an alarm point for me. Not necessarily a pull the plug thing depending on the person, but definitely facts that would drive me to take things exceptionally slowly.