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Trying to be in the moment.

Noturmomster's picture

Submitted by Noturmomster on Mon, 07/17/2023 - 6:49pm

Yesterday, I found a bag of flower in my SD14's room. I thought I'd smelled skunk in the bathroom a few nights ago and felt suspicious. Rather than letting her father know first, as I should have, I feared that he would blow off my suspicions as usual, I took matters into my own hands, found it, left it and informed DH. I felt bad for searching her room, as I'm trying to be an example of healthy boundaries and communication.... My DH spent about 7 hours talking with SD14, past midnight. At least he made it seem that he was the one who found the stash to save me from being the villain again (or so I hope). This isn't the first time we/I found drugs in her room. The first time (maybe a year or less back) we educated her, I let her know we have 0 tolerance and there would be serious consequences if it happened again. She wasn't really in trouble, we just told her to clean her room and work on rebuilding trust. That day, she freaked out (full tantrum, screaming, breaking things in her room, ripped the screen off her window at night to "sit outside" or whatever) it was an all day event.

Today I haven't heard from my husband, he hasn't spoken to me about anything. My anxiety is through the roof. I've been in this relationship since 2014 and feel like I spend or waste so much of myself, my energy, my happiness trying to have an outcome that's against the odds of our situation. This life leaves me exhausted! I love my husband, I care about his kids, I have dreams about moving away from this dumpster fire but I cannot fathom uprooting my kids from their current lives and away from their fathers (BD6, BD17 & BS12), supporting myself and three kids on my own sounds like it has its own tragedies. Not wanting to sound like a victim, we live in a high cost area, somehow, that's a blessing. I would have to move farther away to support the kiddos as I have no support from friends or family. I've been thinking about it seriously for a year. My anxiety and depression literally cripples me. We have 90% custody and will probably earn more come August because the BM is the real Satan. Not that satan allows us to have the Skids 90% but..... vent done. 

Comments

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Mon, 07/17/2023 - 7:00pm

Next time you find drugs just dispose of them. Don't say a word.  Each and every time.  What can SD about it? Rat herself out about her missing drugs???  Don't feel guilt one bit about searching her room. She lost trust and you have a 6 yo in the home.  It's ok to stop caring about the skids.  Sounds like it's forced.  Give yourself a break, sounds like you need one.  

Noturmomster's picture

Submitted by Noturmomster on Wed, 07/19/2023 - 8:11pm

I totally was going to take it and say nothing but I want my husband to know what I know about his child. I'd also want to know if my kids were into mischief so I could talk to them. But next time.... I'm taking it!

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Mon, 07/17/2023 - 7:32pm

All my steps smoke weed and do shrooms. Thats not including my husbands ex wifes son whom he considers to be "his son" (like I needed an additional child on top of the football team he has) and who does all kinds of drugs since he was 10

So far they smoke in the house while their father sleeps and I have caught them a few times but I cant say anything because he defends them. They made a hole on my brand new couch (i have two brand new furniture items I purchased on credit and everything else is thrifted and ugly) and I found a blunt between the cushions. I was told it could have been anybody and not to accuse them

So far he gave them a lecture once. SS21 came to visit and was high on drugs saying that he lives in an alternate reality and nothing is real....SS17 had a huge tantrum 2 weeks ago when we prevented SS21 from coming over to.provide drugs. He has been suicidal and homicidal in the past so I doubt smoking would help his situation but instead my husband coddled him. He blamed my husband for "not doing well in his life". Exwifesson16 frequently brings drugs around and smokes openly and my husband covers for him

 

All these drug addicted children in their developmental years. BM1 drove her kids to dealers and provided drugs actively to the children as early as 13yo...now SD23 smokes every day and is on OF and SS21 is a loser who sleeps in his car and works here and there to make enough to purchase his fix

Losers that will be our responsibility forever....My husband and his exes cover for them or turn a blind eye to the drug use....not sure why

 Your SD will forever be a burden especially once she moves on to harder drugs and psychedelics that can unlock mental health issues like schizophrenia

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Tue, 07/18/2023 - 12:39am

I ask myself this every day. I uprooted my life to live in this

 

The children doing drugs are the icing on the cake. It started in 2020 during the pandemic. Before then, they were doing drugs but only at their BMs or school but once schools shut down, they increased the habit and also two of them dropped out of school

 

I personally cannot give advice as to how to deal with steps who are on drugs because in my home they are coddled if not sometimes encouraged by one of the BMs who has drug and alcohol problems herself

Everyday i feel like Im in the twillight zone....situation getting crazier and crazier

 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 07/17/2023 - 7:34pm

As you spoke about possibly splitting and the upheaval to your and your kids' lives, I can so relate.  I was so upset by the 3 SKs' visits, the turmoil in our home and DH and my estrangement.  My 2 bios were, finally, in a house in a good neighborhood and excellent school district after the tumultuous split with my ex, a hell year living with my parents, an apartment where I was evicted after 3 months (landlord's SIL showing too much interest in me), and another year in a one-br apartment.  I could only look forward to a low-level job, a move to a less desirable area and more upset.

I went to counseling as a last gasp.  It changed my life and helped me learn to cope with my stepfamily.  If you haven't considered it, please do. It didn't magically solve my problems but gave me a mature, educated person to help me navigate troubled SKs, DH, my 2 bios and all the changes that continued non-stop.  Long term, it's been beneficial to them all.    Good luck.

Noturmomster's picture

Submitted by Noturmomster on Wed, 07/19/2023 - 8:14pm

Therapy has helped a lot. My MHS said to leave this dumpster fire behind me. The BM is a dangerous person and I'm her target. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 07/18/2023 - 7:54am

No one can tell you, what to do. You live it I don't.  There is a way to look at this.  Don't care about SD, calling this disengagement .  Let SD do what she wants, she doing this now. Just don't be bother by it.  Do nothing for SD.  No rides, money, gifts.  Let DH handle it.  If you find drugs in her room. Thrown out, flushed down the T. 
 

Try to make a good relationship with DH.  Holding SD moves back to BM.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Tue, 07/18/2023 - 11:59am

When my DD now 32 was a teenager, I would sweep her room when the kids went to their dad's for the weekend.  I would find baggies with her weed and sometimes a 5th of some really cheap alcohol .  I would take said contraband and flush the weed, and dump out the alcohol and then I would put the empty bag and bottle back where she had hidden them (in the ceiling tiles of the dropped ceiling in her room).  

I wouldn't say a word and what was she going to say, hey mom, where did you put my weed??   After a while, she figured it out and also changed her ways when it came to the weed, and we laugh about it now.

Give yourself permission to control what is in your home and to also not GAF about your SD.  Let her father handle that, or not.