Husband doesn’t like my kids
I got remarried last year and we have a baby together. We have been together for 3 years. I have 2 daughters ages 8 & 9 from my previous marriage.
He makes comments about my girls telling me they are brats, he can't stand them, he is starting to hate them, they are lazy, etc.. ( this started around the 1 year mark) He will try to make them seem like really awful kids when they are not. They both excel at school & sports. I have never had anyone tell me these things about them except him. Their stepmom has a great relationship with them & doesn't complain about them either. He will tell me they rolled their eyes and they will cry and say they didn't. He wanted me to believe my one daughter lied about losing her shoe outside in a snow bank. He kept messaging me about having a talk with her about her lying & got extremely upset at me when I told him she wasn't lying.... and when the snow melted her shoe was there!! I was suspicious that he was checking their room after they left to go by their dads to see if they cleaned it so I locked their door. He calls me after I left to drop them off and says " guess what your daughters did" I said "what?" He said "they locked their door" I said " no I did that" then he said I don't know what the f*** is going on around here and hung up the phone. My youngest is going to counseling because she has had a hard time adjusting to the divorce. Her counselor told me that she says she doesn't like her stepdad and that she doesn't like how he yells at her mom all the time. I have talked to him several times about building a relationship with them which has gone no where. Most of the time he won't say anything to them. Doesn't talk to them about their day, their sports, or their activities. He doesn't participate when I do things with them. He will sit and play video games. Please help! Is this normal behavior from a stepdad?
- Startover23's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Oh wow. This screams red flag
Oh wow. This screams red flag. He really doesn't like them. Do the girls dad mention anything to you? Do they talk to him about SD? I don't know why, but I really uncomfortable and angry reading this. Mainly because I was verbally, mentally and emotionally abused as a child by an adult. WTF is his deal! He sounds very manipulative too. You have to stay 2 steps ahead of him at all times, like with the locked door. But who really wants to live like that. When the child you two have together gets older, it... is... going... to... be... hell! He'll make sure of it.
Understand that most of us bio parents can be blind to a lot when it comes to our own kids, but he seems like an awful SD. Maybe he doesn't want them in the home full time. He knew you were a package deal when you met.
He had to move 40 minutes
He had to move 40 minutes from his work because of my court order with my other kids dad. He feels like this was a "sacrifice " that he made. And constantly reminds me of this. The things he had to give up. He wanted me to move an hour from my kids school & that would have been okay if we had to drive that! It's just so upsetting looking back at everything that has happened. It's my fault and I put my kids in this situation.
Cameras
I would get an indoor camera and monitor both SO's behavior and your daughters when they are alone together. Then you will know what's going on. People act differently when they think no one is watching. He sounds like he might just not like kids, but you never know - your girls could be not telling you the whole truth, too.
As I said on another post a
As I said on another post a few days ago, I get this is a stepparent site. I don't believe, though, the (s)kids are always the problem. Adults can be jerkwads without any provocation.
He sounds like an a-hole. As
He sounds like an a-hole. As a stepparent (sort of), I can understand being upset about things that affect me directly. Disrespect, taking my things, mess in the common area, taking over the common area with toys or tv shows/games, noise when i'm trying to sleep. But - it sounds like your DH is reaching - getting upset about things that have no effect on him. Their room door? One shoe?
Since you have a child with him, i would suggest counseling before just leaving. But - yes, it does sound like he has a dislike for your girls and is taking it out on them, and that's not good for them. Does he have issues with the father of your girls? Like, does he think you talk to him too much or does he come to your house? Could be that he associates the girls with this other man intruding on your life.
I'm not trying to make excuses for your DH, though. But, i'm trying to identify possible root causes besides that you have a baby with yet another guy you have to split up with. If you leave this guy, your girls will be rescued from him but your baby will likely have unsupervised time with him, up to 50%. Tough situation.
They leave his stuff alone.
They leave his stuff alone. Their stuff is kept in their room. He doesn't like there dad but it's just because he is my ex. I don't talk to him often & he doesn't come to the house. He complains about them all the time. Even once told my oldest to go back to bed when she woke up in the middle of the night sick. Because he didn't believe she was sick. He says it's also their responsibility to build a relationship with him which I don't agree with they are kids...he is the Adult!
So, even when you were dating
So, even when you were dating this AH he was verbally and mentally abusing your daughters. You chose to stay with him, get married, and have a baby. (Or have a baby and get married - whichever.) He is still verbally and mentally abusing your girls ... and you're allowing it by staying with him.
No cameras to document his antics. No therapy. Straight to an attorney for a divorce and to get the two girls away from him. Obviously some agreement would need to be made for the child you have together, but every second you allow this AH around your older girls is one more second he gets to erode their emotional wellbeing and self-esteem. You are literally showing them he means more to you than they do by keeping him around. They are 8 and 9. Believe me, what they've already experienced is imprinted on their little minds.
After 6 months of dating I
After 6 months of dating I was pregnant & while I was pregnant is when the comments about my girls started being made towards me. Yes, then we had the baby & I did marry him.... which I shouldn't have. & it's just progressively worse.
Get yourself to a divorce
Get yourself to a divorce attorney. You and your children cannot stay with him - your older daughters especially can't. You deserve better and your kids especially deserve better.
Does your DH yell at you?
Does your DH yell at you? That is what stood out to me about your post - your daughter telling her therapist she doesn't like your DH because he yells at you. What is your relationship with him like? How does he treat your mutual child? Are your daughters picking up on his behavior towards you?
Yes, he does. We argue and he
Yes, he does. We argue and he loses it. He will make me cry & he doesn't care he is to involved in his anger. I take my pet in the arguing, but really an issue I bring up has the potential to set him off & then into an argument. He treats our child good... however, I am the main caretaker. He can be odd at times if she doesn't want to hug him and make a comment about guess she doesn't like me. Which is weird.
You need to get out. Start
You need to get out. Start putting you and your daughters first. Plan it, do it.
Why are you willingly with a
Why are you willingly with a guy who is so abusive?
I think about my baby and how
I think about my baby and how hard it will be to be away from her 50/50. I won't be there to see how she is taken care of and that is really hard for me to deal with. I also deal with the mental games that he plays he makes me feel crazy and lies about things that I know happened but says they didn't.
Please read my post below.
Please read my post below. This game your husband plays about saying something didn't happen when you know it did - this is called gaslighting and is a form of emotional abuse. Please read about it on the internet, there are many good resources that may help you understand the situation you are in.
Do you think it will be
Do you think it will be easier when you have a bad or no relationship with your older daughters because you kept them in an abusive situation with a man who dislikes them and makes no secret about it? Protect your older kids and get out. You'll have to learn to co-parent with him and be without your youngest for some of the time. That's the consequence of having a child with a man you didn't really know - a man who has turned out to be manipulative and abusive. Get your kids into a healthier environment (even if it's only half the time for the youngest).
He's probably one of *those*
He's probably one of *those* types who won't treat their bio kids badly
And if you get a GOOD lawyer you can end up with majority custody IF you decided to leave him
You need to get out ASAP. Do
You need to get out ASAP. Do it for your daughters, do it for yourself.
Then stay single for a while and do some work on yourself so you'll pick someone better next time.
Former step parent here....
Former step parent here.... it sounds to me like he resents your daughters and wants it to just be you, him and your baby. This is sh*tty on his part because he knew you had two kids when he got involved with you. Also, your kids are young and it sounds like they are well-behaved kids, so I don't understand where his resentment is coming from other than he is possessive and jealous - both red flag behaviors. From your post, it doesn't seem like he has reason to be a jerk about or to your kids. I also don't feel like he should be administering or be in charge of any rules/discipline. You and your husband should talk about rules, expectations, and discipline when it comes to your kids - and you, the parent, implement these things, he is just there to support you and reinforce what you both agree on. It is never a good idea for the stepparent to parent the skid. It leads to resentment, misunderstandings, and issues in the marriage.
Also, I was in an emotionally (and a few times, physically abusive) abusive relationship. Please read my posts. Your husband sounds a lot like my ex. My ex had such an anger problem. He was constantly getting into road rage fights (while driving my car, with me in the car), would start fights and be confrontational with people at the store, etc. It was embarrassing - and mind you, he didn't start off this way in our relationship. Things escalated greatly over time. But, even early on in our relationship, my ex-husband would unleash his anger on me until I would cry, and he was usually furious over something entirely stupid, like I didn't rinse out my cup after I drank milk from it or I left the light on in the utility room - the year or so before I left he shoved me, slapped my leg, and smacked my phone out of my hands when I was ignoring him because he was berating me. Also, your husband treats your kids like my ex husband treated me (like I would be sick and my ex husband would not believe me, called me a drama queen). My husband's sh*tty treatment of me escalated greatly after we got married.
My opinion is that this is not a safe or healthy situation for you or your kids and baby. This guy clearly has issues and the poor treatment of you and your kids WILL escalate, no doubt. You can try to rationalize his behavior and make excuses for him and hope that things will change if you are just a little more understanding, a little nicer, etc.... I did that same thing and it doesn't change anything. I wasted 10 years on my ex husband. I think you should not waste any more time - see an attorney, find out what your options are, and make a getaway plan. I would avoid giving him any hint that you are having doubts about your relationship or maybe planning to leave as he'll make your life and your kids' lives hell if he finds anything out before you get gone.
His behavior, in my opinion, is more about control. It's not a good sign.
I disliked my stepson toward the last several years of my marriage for very understandable reasons, but I would never have talked bad about him to his dad, even if my relationship with his dad was good. And I never said anything to my ex SS, I simply disengaged when I realized this situation and my feelings toward him were not healthy. A stepparent just doesn't badmouth someone's kids like your husband does yours. I can see having a conversation with the parent if there was an obvious concern, like coming in after curfew, being blatantly disrespectful or not picking up after oneself, but even then, the conversation with the parent regarding the concerns with their kid needs to be mature, adult, and addressing the issue itself, not personally attacking the kid.
I will also say that as I mentioned above, my ex treated me the way your husband treats your kids. Granted, it went on with me for years, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you allow him to continue to treat your kids so terribly, they may grow up to have anxiety or other issues - and you might develop mental health issues too being around this guy . I can tell you that my ex husband's treatment of me affected me far more than I ever though it would - I'm still in counseling. I urge you to rethink your situation and protect your kids and yourself from this man.
Please read my posts.
Take care of you and your kids.... sending hugs
Reedle
Thanks for your amazing post
Thanks for your amazing post Reedle. Really well said!
OP, your husband is a controlling and angry man. My heart breaks for your two girls, it really does. And for your youngest child.
This man is not fit to be a Dad or a step dad. He needs a lot of therapy before he can be those two things..... even then he may NEVER be capable.
He sounds awful. For your innocent children's sake, leave him and go to a place of safety.
Do you have parents or extended family who could help you?
Start making a plan to get out.
Start making a plan to get out. Do you have family close? If so, can they help you? Do you work? Contact a good lawyer and find out where you stand financially. Don't let your DH know what your are planning, just start taking the steps towards a better life.
He started this crap at the
He started this crap at the 1yr mark and ... you married him? Why?
It sounds to me that you are an BM who has a spouse problem and have created a StepDad problem for your kids.
No, this is not normal behavior. Even for a StepFather.
I highly suspect your DH is a narcissistic unstable POS.
Escape NOW. For yourself, and for your young daughters. Even for the child you share with this toxic man. Even your shared child should not be exposed to it's failed man of a father.
smh
Normally I would say that
Normally I would say that your husband doesn't have to love or like your kids. He is in the marriage with you, not them. HOWEVER, this is not normal!!! Even if we don't like our stepkids we treat them with basic courtesy and decency. Your husband is not doing any of that.
While your marriage is supposed to be your priority, your kids are your #1 responsibility. Your job is to protect your kids and right now that seems like it means to protect them from your husband. I would seriously consider divorce- quickly.
This guy apparently hasn't
This guy apparently hasn't the first notion of what being a (step) parent is about. In fact, I don't believe he has a clue how to be a decent human being. Please save your children from this ogre.
No it's not normal and sorry
No it's not normal and sorry to hear this is happening.
I struggle with stepparenting but I'd never go on a rampage against the kids like this because kids are kids and they are the ones who have no control over any of the blending challenges.
id rather step away for a weekend (or rant on this forum) before I fix my lips to go off on some kids like that.
Only You can do it try to get help from a family therapist and if that doesn't work (and quickly)......put his stuff in a box and send him packing!