Hurt and Confused
As I'm typing this, the wife and I have already started the separation process.
The back story is I have a BD13, SD15 and SS15 (Twins), SD18. My wife's children are bi-racial (black and white) and I have custody of my bio daughter.
The wife and I met in 2018, got married 2020, and seems divorced in 2023. We moved into her house in 2019 and everyone was happy about it. We loved doing things together. My wife is prior Air Force and I grew up with a militant mother and I was given structure. Now being in a house of 6 it was chaos, from dishes t o laundry to cleaning. I talked to the wife about chore charts since we are out numbered and she agreed. We set one up together and it was agreed on and then it was implemented. I'd say in less than a week there were issues. Her oldest, currently SD18, was 13 at the time and just didn't do her part. Well being a new "stepdad" I didn't want to overstep boundaries and talked to my wife about it. She said she would talk to her about it, but nothing changed. So I asked my wife again about it and she responded "we have to lead by example." Kinda odd to say since we did our chores and we constantly did dishes or picked up behind someone. So the chore chart failed. Later on, did the same with the laundry so everyone had a day for their laundry and even had two make up days. The younger children had no issues, however the oldest had no issue doing hers on any day she wanted. Once again, talked to my about it and nothing happened. That was almost two years ago. Just two weeks ago when we have the sit down meeting with the kids about the separation, that story came up and my wife said it wasn't flexible enough. Once again, confused and reminded her I showed it to her before posting it and she loved it. And flexibility was already established with the weekends as make up days. This is when I really took notice of her favoritism of her oldest. There was constant disrespect from her, even to this day. Now with the separation, none of them speak to me, which is sad because I was always there for them. Maybe did not carry the financial load like their parents, but I always made sure they could come to me for help, we would go do activities, even taught the oldest to drive because her mother was to anxious. This has been a long start to this post. I'm going to submit and I will expand on it as necessary
It sounds like you're still
It sounds like you're still living in the same house. If that's the case, you need to get yourself and your daughter outta there ASAP. Get an apartment for the two of you while the divorce details get worked out. If you have already moved out, you'll have to learn how to deal with the skids no longer wanting to speak to you. Yeah, it's hurtful, but it may be for the best.
Good catch and thanks for
Good catch and thanks for commenting. Yes I'm still in the house. Luckily my daughter went to her mother for summer break. I signed a lease for an apartment last week, unfortunately cannot move in until 7/31. Yeah the hurt and confusion comes from seeing them in the house and just being ignored as if I never existed for 5 years. I don't have that mentality to treat ppl that way unless they truly hurt me, which is why SD18 and I weren't on speaking terms prior to this. But when SD15 shunned me, it stung. We were buddies and hung out together often. I get it's a tribe mentality and she's going to stick with her family, but I didn't know how easily the switch would be turned off and I never existed.
I agree with the above poster
I agree with the above poster. If it's been decided, best to make a clean break. Trying to live together or remain friends will just make things worse.
Agreed. I'm not try reconcile
Agreed. I'm not trying reconcile just hard not to have these thoughts of worthlessness due to their actions. It's been clear for awhile she did not want us to work. I said we could do marriage counseling, her response "that's not my responsibility." Or if I asked her what should we work on to get of this rut, it was always deflected "I don't have the answers." That went on for months until SD18 and I had another argument, then all of a sudden the wife could make a decision with separation. So basically 0-120 with no in between for finding the core issue. I knew the core issues, but I couldn't tell her without her playing victim which is why I suggested marriage counseling. Either way, it's too late and true personalities exposed. Time to move on.
You don’t have to pay for
Your wife's kids, or your wife kids living expenses. You ow 2/8 of the expensive. Your wife is set in her ways her kids come first. Yoi can't live like a second class person. Good that your are moving. Find a better life
You're absolutely right. My
You're absolutely right. My daughter and I deserve better
Since your daughter is with
Since your daughter is with her mother for summer break, have you considered airbnb, vrbo, or extended-stay hotels until your apartment is available? Renting even just a room for a month would be better than this situation.
I actually did not even think
I actually did not even think of those options. I was doing hotels, but they got expensive. I'll look into it.
It sounds like you have a
It sounds like you have a solid plan in place. Have you obtained an attorney? You might want to do so - I did the same when I left my situation. I had a husband with a son who was an adult (adult son lived with us, straight up wouldn't work) and they were both mooches - neither worked. I was also frequently ignored, disrespected and I caught them trash-talking me several times before I left (read my posts for all the details if you would like). I understand how you are feeling - it is a lonely place to be. Just know once you leave the situation, you will have peace and happiness. It sounds like she is like my ex, codependent with her kids and they will always come first. My ex husband truly believed his son could do no wrong and his son was first, our relationship was put way on the back burner. I left a little over a year ago and have been blissfully happy since. I personally will never get involved with anyone who has kids ever again. I have been a step parent twice and both times got burned. Being a step parent was never rewarding in either situation.
I agree with Aniki, maybe remove yourself from the situation now. It's torture to be treated so poorly. You don't deserve that - it sounds like you really tried in the relationship and got nothing back.
Please keep us posted - you'll get so much good advice and support for the good folks on here.
Take care,
Reedle
Thank you for the kind words
Thank you for the kind words and it is amazing to see that I'm not the only stepparent living like this. She definitely has a her kids first mentality. Of course it didn't start off that way, but same as you, I found her and her oldest bad mouthing me. When I brought it up it was always "you're making a big deal from nothing" Then it was not telling me about events she was taking the kids to. They'd come back and I'd ask where went. "We went to yadi-ya, I told you two weeks ago". Well if you supposedly told me two weeks ago, why didn't you remind me? They always under minded me. Just things like that that showed I was purposefully being isolated.
I'm sorry you hit this point
I'm sorry you hit this point but for you it's a good thing I think. You and your daughter no longer will have to deal with their us vs them mentality. It is too bad you have to ride it out before you move on but I'd take that time and box up/pack up and rent a storage unit. Start moving out by packing a few boxes a day and taking them to storage. I know it costs to have one but it's only until Auugust and removes your precious items from harms way. It also gives you busy work while you're tredding water cohabitating for the month. Treat them like polite strangers, pack your stuff and enjoy the count down to freedom and peace!
I also vote for trying to
I also vote for trying to figure out a way to be out of the house for the next month.
The reality is that when there is a breakup.. friends take sides.. you lose that connection with their family members.. it's tough to have to coexist with them in the same house.. if there is any other option.. couch surfing.. going on vacation.. even going camping on the weekends and minimize time at home? I would try all that if I couldn't actually find another place to rent for this month.
Agree to all. Fortunately I
Agree to all. Fortunately I have a little side gig as a handyman that gets me from my office based full time job. So I go and build/fix things for ppl that appreciated what I do. I also started going back into the office. I mainly stayed a remote worker, but after this decided I can handle the 2 hour round trip drive during this. I already started the packing process. Seeing the boxes stacked gives me relief that freedom is on the other side. Also ran into a neighbor that I've helped out numerous times over the years. I've always said kindness and selflessness can pay off. They have numerous articles of furniture they are giving me. The other benefit is they have been going out of town constantly since school let out, so I haven't seen them much. I've blocked the whole family's numbers, deleted pics/vids. I've started the process of moving on. I'm not here to fix her children. Thanks everyone for the encouragement and knowing I'm not alone.