Really need the support of other SM's tonight. I feel so hurt. I have done the best I can do as a step-parent and after a year of living with us, my husband's youngest (15) has decided she needs to go live with her Grandparents. But let me give you a little background first.

My husband is in the Army-has an undiagnosed case of PTSD, he will even admit it. He loves his kids very much and is a great father, just has a very uninvolved parenting style and I discovered only about 3 months ago, the more I do for his child (run her around on errands, get special requests from the store, take her to the gym with me) he will let me do it. A few months ago I caught on and stopped doing it all and made him help me. When I was tired before all of that, he refused to "hear me" and say when I was tired I really wasn't, I was just an awesome step-mom to her. As you may have guessed already, we have our own issues, have been to marriage counseling, but since he now refuses to go (unless I threaten him I'll leave) I am just going to start going again on my own to vent and get help with my own frustrations. He and I have made progress though, but its nothing short of a miracle! I just need help now talking about my feelings as an Army wife with all of these deployments and how his kids have hurt me.

We have been together for 5 years and he is getting ready to deploy again for the 3rd time. That in itself is so hard. Each time he has come back, one of his two daughters has not been able to get along with their mom and has come to live with us. We have never had anytime to have some of our own time since day one-not that I didn't want the kids in the picture, it was just that I became and immediate stepmom to a 15 and 11 (the oldest and youngest ages back then). Yes, I know he had kids, and please before anyone says "you know what you were getting into, or you should have," please-don't go there. No one REALLY knows what it's like to be a step-parent or an Army wife, until you are in the thick of it...

As far as parenting, I have been back and forth and never on the same page since day one about setting written guidelines about things needing done around the house. I don't ask a lot, I don't even ask her to clean her room! But for the things I do ask, I have offered flexibility, etc...I am met with resistance and excuses all of the time. I am soooo tired! I have asked nicely, I have begged, we have discussed in counseling, we have discussed in a family meeting-unless it was me sitting down writing it out (then also looking like it is all coming from me), There has been no set standard, no consequence for back-talk, or defiant (refusing to do chores, or tells us when will do chores) or any bad behavior. My youngest step-daughter is a good kid. As far as we know, not doing drugs, good grades, not giving up her goodies, she has just been through a lot and I feel after tonight's blow up I have just become the brunt of her teenage anger and frustration.

And there is good reason...her mom has some issues-no, for real. She was living in her car last month because she decided to leave her apartment and blame it all on the apartment and somehow got youngest to believe this (or in my opinion, as a defense mechanism, needed to believe it). It's not true at all...she tried to couch surf to the point of getting asked to leave a someone's house. I know because I found out from the person! She committed welfare fraud to try to take my husband to court for money, lying about his daughter living with her when she was really living with us. She quits her job all of the time and is 37 years old, skipping from her dad's house until he tells her time to go, to apartment after apartment, letting her dogs piss all over her house because she is too lazy to take then out. I have went out of my way to help this woman, (for the child's sake) and up until recently I was watching her dog for a month, while she was living in her car trying to move to Las Vegas-a woman after 5 years who still refuses to meet me.

Then, there is his oldest. When we tried (years ago) to make a homework chart that was a "pressure" for her. Well guess what, soon she will be 21 and she is a high school drop out. Diagnosed with BPD, I have sympathy for her, but also hold her accountable to try to modify some of her behavior and get her to go to her therapists and doctors but she won't go. We have offered to pay for her for school, she is just doing her own thing. The only time she calls is for money and I finally convinced my husband if she can smoke weed, then she doesn't need us to help her pay her bills. She is mostly on her own these days and making her own choices but it still makes me sad.

Now back to the youngest-the thing that upsets me is I feel very back stabbed, sabotaged, and betrayed by her. Kids aren't stupid. She uses her mom for when her mom can take her out to eat or to buy her something. This all really bothered me about her character. She seems to have some anger issues, holds stuff in. I have talked about it, I told her to let it out. She says she does to her friends. That is good but she barely will talk to us. One day we had a little heart-to-heart about living with her Dad and how he checks out and isn't there-I told her I understand because I feel the same way. We also discuss how my feelings were hurt because I had to be the bad guy and tell her mom I couldn't watch the dog anymore because he wouldn't, and because I told her he delegates me to tell her to do chores when I told him he needs to spend more time with her and tell her himself. During this whole time, I told her how much I love him, he loves her, is a great dad, just has some issues with the Army and lots of pressure. I normally do not tell her these things or anything about our relationship other than generally complain about picking up his messes all around the house. I got some really good info though that she felt disconnected to her dad, so when he got home, I shared it so he knows he needs to work on that with her. It wasn't just me venting to her about adult problems, I don't do that on the normal, and I did want to explain how I was feeling in the middle with this dog thing, and like I said was leveling with her.

The youngest was very upset, when I had to put my foot down since no one else would to say I was not okay to watch the dog anymore. So I had to explain why her mom wasn't a victim and why it wasn't fair to me (without me sounding like a child) to be expected to watch her dog until whenever it was convenient for her. Also, that I was upset that her Dad didn't take care of it. I made sure not to drive the fact home about her mom not being a victim, but was choosing to live in her car, because I knew she was probably already having a hard time swallowing the fact that she already knew that. And trust me, I don't like this mom, but I shed a tear for her. We have given her money before-I am not a cold-hearted bitch.

Now, another stressor, the oldest daughter (who no longer lives with us) is diagnosed with BPD and runs to the ER about 10 times a year (I am not even kidding) it's the same aches and pains and somehow, the doctors are just totally unable to find out her "ailment."
(Just to be clear, the oldest is not threatening suicide attempts these visits are just multiple visits for the ER for unexplained "I feel sick," etc... blah, blah, blah). Youngest is over it too. We all are by now.

So to finally get to it, after having to correct her last week (by the way let me just add that her friend who is a 16 yr old with a 6 month old is also staying with us for the last week) about her lying and pretending to "air punch" me in the face twice and tell me how she was taller and could take me in a fight, I started to get the cold shoulder (that's right, that wasn't a typo-I WAS THE ONE GETTING THE COLD SHOULDER). Then the outright defiance, "Ill do it later, Ill do it tomorrow" responses and by the way-that is nothing new, she often tells me when SHE will do something-but this time much, much worse. When I recall a situation and she is insisting events happened otherwise even though I was right there with her, I have started to try to address the lying behavior with "that's not how I recall it." It is not to have the last word, let me make that clear. But now the lying is going as far as to her asserting me she told me things which is getting personal and is arguing with me, insisting I am forgetful and don't listen instead. In fact, she decided to tell me in front of her friend (whom I just had got done buying $40 worth of swimming suit and diapers so they could all go swimming) that "you don't seem to remember much." You could imagine how embarrassed and pissed I was! Feeling totally used-here we are again, arguing about something so stupid that I know I remember! Me, frustrated just tying to defend and clarify myself by telling her "I think sometimes you make things up is what I am saying" she kept arguing and insisted how I must have just not been listening then. I want to pull my hair out! There isn't a parent blog article that could help me-where in the hell was this coming from? I was tying them all. Then today it all came boiling to a head and this is where I really, really would love some thoughts and positive feedback/support.

Upon me making a request this morning in the truck that I had asked her to do, but she refused the night before (with her Dad and sadly the friend was in the car but hey when family shit happens, it happens) she started crying. Then she burst out " I just can't talk to you right now" She actually never talks about anything, so I was really glad she kept continuing-then she said that I talk about everyone, her whole family and that I talk about her sister (who she actually told me she calls her a bitch and a slut) and that I talk about her mom and her dad! Of course I made it very clear to her Dad right then and there about our conversations, reminded her I have bent over backwards for her mom who won't even meet me, and listened to her when she told me her sister calls her names. I made it clear that I thought we were talking, when she decided to tell me we were not, so I have asked her to never bring up her issues with them to me again and that if she felt differently then she needed to say something sooner but she was confiding in me! This was coming out of left field! I am the confidant, now I am the fucking enemy. I can't even politely send her a text message asking her and her little friend to please keep it down without her having an issue with that! Then she went on to tell me that I keep her up late which is bullshit. I had a period of a week where I was up late hanging pictures and asked if it was okay if she was still up. She also asked me to give her mom a number for mental health and now I am the one who always talks about her mom?! I just go done watching her fucking dog for a month with NO THANKS! THEN HAD TO BE THE ASSHOLE TO SAY IT HAD TO GO. I am sooo over it. Even though I feel totally shit on, I mean totally shit on in almost every way possible, and back stabbed I am honestly relieved. I am not even surprised with her behavior towards her mom that she did this to me. To me, its less personal and not just about her wanting freedom to be her own boss/adult. Yes, she is at that age of separation but the truth is her mom never had rules, she doesn't have a mom who can even be a parent to her and her dad is gone and uninvolved (although very loving and supports her financially). So here I am, asking her to just pick up a wet towel. I'm being a fair and loving step-parent but asserting myself and standing my ground and I think she doesn't like it. Also, I can't help it that her mom and sister and dad are messed up. Blood is thicker than water and despite all I do for her, its like she hates me because I am a reminder that I might be the only one who does most stuff for her? Somehow I guess maybe it is a reminder of almost everyone she loves who is supposed to be there for her and is not. Or, its so much more simple, she just wants to pin it on me to move to be closer to her friend, and decided to do this shock and awe shit because in a few months she will be 16, have a car for her to drive and wants to live with "Grammie." I have tried to be understanding, loving, supporting but now just keeping my distance. Not being immature, but definitely staying out of the picture. I don't think there is anything I could do better, and I am sure she will go tell my husband's parents how horrible of a step-mom I am. I think talking to the therapist will really help me. I feel better knowing I won't have to raise her alone now that my husband will be gone for a year. Its a God sent relief but I'm still feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed. I feel I am the brunt of her anger and right now the only real support I get is from my family. Well SM's any other thoughts? I would love to hear what you think of what the hell just happened here. Time for me to read tomorrow, I can't lose anymore sleep over this-another reason I haven't been able to sleep!

Sincerely-Did the Best I could