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A Grandmother with boundaries

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 06/21/2023 - 11:17am

Risingthewave posted about her teen SD getting pregnant and being concerned about the impact on her marriage.  Many people urged helping but setting boundaries.  It all made me remember how my mom handled an immature daughter moving in with 2 small kids.

When exDH and I separated, I found a house to rent.  But, he went crazy, threatened me and it became apparent it wouldn't be safe for me to live alone so the kids and I moved in with my parents.  They already had 3 kids at home in a small house.  Mom wasn't thrilled with some of my poor choices (can't blame her). I enrolled my son in the local first grade.

I was working full time so Mom had DD all day plus DS after school.  When I got home, she had dinner ready but that was it.  All further care of the kids was up to me including bath time with my young brother, ie 3 kids.  I didn't have time for tv, reading or anything else.  I was starting to date DH but after work drinks were a problem with Mom vigilantly checking the clock for my arrival 

We finally agreed that I could have one date night a week, Friday, but early Saturday mornings, and I mean 8 am, she had me up doing housework all day.  In between times, she gave me her unfiltered opinions on my conduct.  On Sundays, she had me in church   it was all her version of the "burning platform".

I paid rent.  I longed for the day when I could get out but wanted DS to finish the school year.  As that time approached, she found a daycare and I began to send DD.  Then she found a place for me to rent.  Think she was ready for me to go?  Lol.

Once school was out, we moved.  Relief!  I give Mom lots of credit for not making it too easy to live at home with unpaid childcare.  I would definitely have taken advantage of it 

Thanks, Mom.  Now, I'm getting payback by SD61.  Lol.

 

 

Comments

RisingtheWave80's picture

Submitted by RisingtheWave80 on Wed, 06/21/2023 - 1:49pm

My mother was a teenage mother and for a short period of time when I was a baby we lived with my grandparents when my father split. They charged my mom rent and when it was time for her to move, they gave her the money she paid in rent towards the first apartment she had alone with me. 

As I mentioned in some of my comments I am a recovering codependent, people pleaser and its taken a long time for me to set boundries with anyone in my life, everyday I work on it. I have always felt that my value came from how much I help others and that would be the only way I would be loved. I sometimes have a hard time setting them with my SD because I want her to always like me or at least come to me since she is always nervous going to DH. Honestly just wish her mother was a better mother and I could just be the "cool aunt like SM" 

Its a hard balance with my SD because of the handful of now untreated mental health issues. One statement she doesnt like and we dont see her for 2 months. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Submitted by NoWireCoatHanga... on Wed, 06/21/2023 - 2:50pm

My mom is the alcoholic dog hoarder. She got out of rehab yesterday and  threatened me. "This is about to get ugly" and that she was calling the police and suing me cause I gave away her 35 animals . She told me I Could but has changed her mind. All of my siblings and I are no contact. I had to raise my siblings and I too am a people pleaser. I have been getting a lot of answers about myself and her reading that book

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 06/21/2023 - 3:05pm

I think one reason Mom was able to establish her boundaries was because she's not a people pleaser.  She was strong enough with all of us to say no and (seemingly) not care if any of us were mad at her.  It takes strength to say no.  We all like to be loved for our kindness and generosity.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Wed, 06/21/2023 - 4:11pm

But, I suspect she taught you that your feelings were not worth listening to, so you learned that being productive and worthwhile got you the attention you were after as a child.  People pleasing.  

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 06/22/2023 - 7:56pm

Mom and dad married at 17 & 19. They had me at 19 & 21.  They had their 61st anniversary 20 days ago.

They never lived with their parents after they married.  

DW was a single teen mom having SS-30 at 16.  They lived in a small travel trailer beside my IL's home on their farm.  No child care, but my ILs did include them in dinner most nights.  Day care was generously provided by one of DW's BFF's parents who were certified foster parents.  DW went to school full time, worked 6 evenings per week (DQ until close).

While my ILs did not cater to DW and her baby, they were protective of them when the drama with the SpermClan escalated.  

After HS graduation, DW left the state for University taking SS with her.  She had been awarded full physical and legal custody at birth which was re-affirmed when she filed the paternity suit against the Spermidiot and was awarded CS ($110/mo).  Pathetic considering that the baby daddy was 23 when SS was born.

A teen pregnancy does not have to ruin lives.  I certainly is likely that quality parents guide their children effectively, even through a single parent period for the children the parent has raised.

Thanks for the examples.  Both your your own examples, and the examples of your own parents. They are inspiring and very important.