Reflections....its been a year today since my life blew up
I'm reflecting today., Its been a year to the date since I found out about DH's side activities. My world as I knew it ..blew up.
So..while its been quite the year here is what I found.
1. Our marriage needed a overhaul or to end. I knew that at the time but was bidding my time till SD was 18. I didn't want to blow up her life.
2. I wasn't crazy after all. For many years I suspected DH's side activities but couldn't prove it. It was oddly a relief to find out what I suspected for YEARS was in fact the truth.
3. I needed to let go of my people pleasing and work on me.
4. After placing the responsiblity for SD back on DH where it should have been all the time..I now have more time to myself. I have no idea what to do with this time.
5. That NO is a full sentence and I need to use it more often.
6. That I'm not needy but the opposite almost too independant. I use that a shield....since for the most part I've been on my own since childhood. (Love my parents..but my Dad worked alot and my mom well...she is sort of checked out and has been for most of my life)
Dh has learned quite a bit in the last year....
1. That the problems he "thought" were all mine were actually of his own making. Such as...for years...I was in survial mode..working on 4 hours a sleep at best. That I wasn't ignoring him but busy trying to keep all the balls in the air. For years, I was the only one that took care of the kids, his and mine, took care of the house, the cooking, the yard, the bill paying, carting kids here there and everywhere, and was the sole support of our household working a 45+ week job. That while he built it up in his mind that I was just doing all these things to ignore him..really it was because he wasn't even giving the bare minimum to our relationship or to me. That all of his issues that he put on me...was really due to him and his inaction. He could have solved his own problems by just being present and putting forth effort. He now acknowledges that once he gives more...he receives more. Give less and you get less.
2. That I tried for years in the beginning to get him to realize he was not giving me anything and that I was miserable. However, he took it as a sign when I stopped complaining that I was ok with things and accepted that our problems were all because of me. WHat he knows now....I just stopped talking because it was getting me no where but more frustrated and angry.
3. DH learned I was cranky and angry for so long because I was in survial mode. I was alone in a marriage and burnt out.
4. He has learned when someone tells you they have an issue and react with defensiveness all the time....the issue doesn't get resovled and eventually people stop trying to talk to you. Once they stop talking...it means they are becoming less invested.
5. The dynamic that we had....which was more parent/child like was a direct result of him. Its a result of him...doing nothing but saying Oh just tell me what to do.
6. DH full admits what he did was selfish and he didn't think about anything but himself and what made him feel good. He liked getting the attention from other women and to escape from his life. That he needs/needed to get therapy to deal with his avoidance of things and the need to seek out external validation.
7. DH found that I was working on walking away from him once SD turned 18. I was going to give 6 months after SD graduated and turned 18 to see if things changed. If he still was "checked out" out of our marriage then I was going to end it. DH was beyond shocked he had no idea that I was going to walk away and that I was that done. Once again...he didn't really listen when I told him...things were sucking, etc.
8. DH has has to come to terms that I now consider much of the years we have been married to be a sham. Its a sham because he was lying to me, to the other women and to himself. He didn't like hearing that I don't really want to celebrate our wedding anniversary anymore. I consider much of things we did over the last 8 years while this was all going down....to be tainted.
9. DH has had to realize that while he is building back trust the innocent blind trust that I had for him before will never return. DH realizes now that he ruined that. There will always be a scar and I will always have a trust but verify attitude now. He doesn't get the blind trust and faith that he once had. He also knows..shatter that trust again..and I will walk away. There will be no more chances.
8. Finally DH now realizes that SD and Beaver are his crosses to bear. NOT MINE. Also, that he cannot continue to punish me to the shiznit that Beaver pulls/pulled in that past. I'm not Beaver...
So for the first time in years I feel like I have partner..not another chilld I feel like DH is there for me now and that he is really working hard on himself and our marriage. DH takes it upon himself to do things around here, without my asking, and deals with stuff he would normally try to get me to do. He listens when I talk to him....and not just the small stuff. He listens even when its tough topics, I am optimistic about the future. There have been alot ot tears and hard conversations, all of which needed to happen. While walking away would have been easier..I am happy that I stayed.
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What good news
It's been quite a year for you two. I'd consider this date to be your true new anniversary. Happy 1st anniversary!
I said the same thing
today would be our anniversay..and we are at year 1.
I think you are just awesome.
I think you are just awesome. Even when you don't think it yourself, I still do. You are a strong woman who has found her voice. I am in awe of you.
Thank you...
I'm a work in progress but its getting better.
Are you saying he was having
Are you saying he was having affairs? If so and you can stay with him I give you so much kudos! I coulnt do it.
I too am working on things and deciding if I want to end them. SD is now 7 monhts after truning 18 and things are a bit better but not to the point I would like. DH and I are doing less and less fun romantic things and I am making an exit plan.
I actually sat down with him and told him he needs to pay more of the household expenses. He didnt like it but oh well.
Yep...DH had online affairs
....that was a hellscape I didn't think I would be in.
Its taken quite a bit of work, etc to forgive and start to trust again.
I could have written almost
I could have written almost all of this, except no minor child still at home. The part about the parent/child dynamic with my own husband is still a struggle sometimes. He can be so damn helpless and naive that if I didn't step in bad things would happen.
But my marriage is stronger than it was on D(iscovery) Day and I'm better with him than without him. Took lots of work, but I'm glad we hung on.
:) I would agree that
my marriage is way stronger now that it was a year ago on D day. It's taken a lot of work for both us..and we continue to work. But I am glad I stayed
Ultimately
Its YOU that is benefiting and learning and growing and he has been playing "catch up".
GREAT JOB!
Husband - well hes still stuck in the "before" picture and Im trying to shift things in a big way.
I need more space away from him to figure out if I want to do what you did and invest more time and work into this thing we have.
It was a very tough call and I was about out the door
after finding out his activities. I told myself I would give it 6 months to see if he and our marriage would change. If not....I only wasted six months..and I would have my answer.
Ooff..I will say it took alot of thought to figure out what I wanted to do.
Its good to restart the clock
Its good to restart the clock and be honest with each other. I think that helps to move forward rather than dwelling on the past and becoming bitter towards each other.
It seems that you were doing most of the labor and responsibilities...thats a lot to have on your plate. Was he like detached like that with beaver or is that a behavior that he developed as a result of the trauma of his past relationship with her? I am curious because my husband was catering to his BMs every whim when they were together but with me, i was punished with having to carry all responsibilities and being sort of relegated as second best. It took until 2021 for me to lose a loved one and realise I was going in the wrong direction in my life and marriage. I have since completely quit caring and put most of the burden on him when it comes to children and household. I dont even care if things are filthy for days or if the children are disrespectful to me....i completely ignore it and then when he complains, i ask "what are you going to do about it"....He has started to become more hands on since last year and understood that im at the end of the day a priority since the kids are so awful to him
I think you and your husband are going in the right direction and starting over with someone who is self aware is much better than ending things on a whim after years of sacrifice and investment. Although, i wouldnt blame someone for throwing the towel because god knows this marriage thing with these ppl with kids and their exes is QUITE HARD so I consider it every so often but somehow I have not come around to that chapter yet...
I wish you the very best in this new journey and congratulations to both of you for attempting to make it work and being cognizant of your shortcomings
You hit it on the head....some of this was from Beaver
You are absolutely correct on this. DH and I have discussed this in therapy. DH did everything for Beaver while she sat around at home not working and not doing anything. DH took away from that marriage that women would take advantage of him. So, he left me to do everything and then couldn't figure out why I couldn't sit there and pay all of my attention to him 24x7. I too have told DH..you punished me for what Beaver did. I'm not Beaver and never at any point did I take advantage of you. YOU took advantage of me. Our marriage counselor also has pointed out the same thing to DH. DH never dealt with the crap he received from Beaver or the trama from his family or origin. So, he punished me for Beaver, used me as the scapegoat and then created his own storm to justify his actions in his head.
DH since he does ALOT more around here now..physically and emotionally...sees where he went wrong. Its like a 180...although I did tell DH I was pissed of because it literally took me almost leaving him for him to realize he made his own hell and to recognize my value.
I very much relate to being
I very much relate to being punished due to other ppls past experiences. Thats frustrating and difficult to bear.
I am so very glad things have improved for you despite the lows and I think that the key to resolving these issues is being self aware and confronting things head on like you and your spouse did. Congrats on overcoming these mountains bye being strong enough to open up to each other and make a change!
Successful marriages rely on mutual trust, respect and both
Being committed to one another. The fact either of you were married to abusive spouses and had prior dysfunctional relationships and marriages shouldn't transfer into your current marriages.
unfortunately, too often they don't address these prior issues and there is an assumption everyone will fall into place till they don't.
me and my husband had issues plenty of them around years 2-4 when we had 2 toddlers and his daughters re-connected with him and exwife was trying to call the shots and control me like some puppet via his daughters. Everything felt like it escalated and i had to ask myself what i wanted from this marriage and what i was willing to tolerate and wasn't willing to tolerate.
that forced my husband to take charge and address those issues which did take time but he did address them. Whether his children from exwife choose to follow through and respect what he's addressed with them is another story.
ultimately my husband knew if he didn't address things, i'd leave him, he would be an absent father to our kids since his crazy work hours would mean he wouldn't be that present and his adult/teen kids from exwife would mostly abandon him for nothing. It would create more issues.
once trust is lost, its very hard to gain back and even then, anything can make you quickly lose that trust. Its a continual work in progress
I so agree on the not carrying stuff over
In my case, after my abusive marriage, I did PTSD therapy before I married DH. I wanted to be sure I had healed somewhat from that experience. I still get a few triggers from that mess...but its less. DH on the other, just now realizes how beneficial therapy can be if you get the right counselor.
You are correct...trust will always be a work in progress now. That will always be something we have to work on in our marraige.
Your strength in all of this
Your strength in all of this just leaves me in awe of you. I am so happy to hear that you are both working on yourselves and that your husband is working on being just that, a real husband for the first time. I hope things only get better from here. Maybe you can do a vow renewal when you are ready and have a new anniversary date to celebrate?
I brought up a commitment ceremony
just between us at some point. DH is ok with that...he is struggling with the fact I consider our anniversary to be tainted, etc. Its a reminder that he blew up our lives to a certain extent. He is getting there with it. The marriage counselor has helped him process this. So we will see...maybe at some point we will do just that.
I am glad you are finally happy.
You are a much bigger person than I am. I would have kicked his cheating POS ass out and gone on to a new life adventure with him fading into my past.
The greatest gift my cheating XW gave me was a divorce. Her cheating was my last straw, though I did not know she was cheating until she moved out and told me a couple of weeks later that she was knocked up with her geriatric fortune 500 sugar/baby daddy's spawn. Thank God I did not pollute my gene pool with that skank whore.
My experiences applied to your situation, good riddance would have been my message to him were I you.
I truly hope that he can some day earn the repreive you have granted him and that he does not disappoint you by resorting to his proven past cheating. Past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior and all.
Take care of yourself.