Simply, don't know what to do!
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to explain my situation in hoping if anyone could provide some advice if you have of course, been through a similar situation,
I have been with my partner now for 7 months , an amazing woman whom I can quite freely say, I worship the ground she walks on, with 2 fantastic amazing children, a 16 year old girl and a 10 year old boy, both of whom I absolutely adore, I have no children of my own. ( Medical reasons ).
Their Biological Father unfortunately has an illness , and therefore, myself and partner try and encourage the children to spend as much time with their father as possible, however, this is the problem which is starting to anger me, the children hate spending time with their father, this is due to most of the time the father has nothing else to do but ask questions constantly about myself to the point its really upsetting the children. My partner has multiply asked him to stop doing this as it upsets the children , but yet, he again and again keeps interrogating the children , mostly the 16 year old, and its now to the point the children simply don’t want to visit him for a afternoon, never mind a weekend.
My Partner has spoken to the Biological father to instead of questioning the children to either meet myself or simply call me for a good chat and in giving him the opportunity to ask as many questions he wants and to build somewhat mutual ground, however, he blatantly declines the request. I am completely at a loss, I simply don’t know what to do, it hurts me seeing the children upset about all this and I feel it might make them anxious and depressed which I certainly don’t want happening as the daughter needs to concentrate on her exams, I do feel as if I’m banging my head against a brick wall, and I’m out of options. Has anyone been through something similar ? How did you deal with it ? My thanks to all in advance if any replies.
Welcome.
I see you've just signed up to Steptalk, the place where stepparents come to vent. It also looks like you are a newbie to the stepparent world as you've been with your partner less than a year.
It seems like your fundamental problem is with the biological father of these children, who is asking questions about you but doesn't want to meet your himself. This may be because he is under the assumption that your relationship with the mother may not be long-term, and he sees you as temporary. TBH, to say that you "worship" the mother and "adore" the fantastic, amazing kids after a mere 7 months is a little odd. Especially when one is a 16 year old girl.
IMO, you should back off and let the mother and father of these children handle this issue. If the father has concerns, he should take it up with the mother and they need to work it out. For you to step in after being on-scene 7 months is not appropriate. IMO.
At least he didn't use Bonus
At least he didn't use Bonus children :-)
No one can really cause him
No one can really cause him to not ask those questions.. and he also really doesn't have an obligation to meet you.
What can be done is that their mother can help them learn how to cope and deal with the questions from their father.
He can ask.. but they have the right to answer accordingly in ways that are not particularly revealing. They can also learn to say things like "I really don't know dad.. so how do you think the Mets are going to do this season?" I don't know is an acceptable response. even... "I dont know dad.. why don't you ask him that yourself".
And.. the 16 yo is old enough to set boundaries with her father.. "dad, I'm not comfortable geting the 3rd degree over bob.. it makes me feel put in the middle of things and I don't like it. Can we agree to not talk about him all the time?
I find it very strange that
I find it very strange that you and your partner are pushing the kids to spend time with their ailing father.
I'm not sure why you're so emotionally invested in whether or not they see their father or that his incessant questioning about you bothers you so much.
If you're feeling guilty as if you are the reason he's asking questions and therefore the reason the kids don't want to see him, what are you prepared to do? Leave the relationship so he'll stop asking questions? I think not.
Then, since your only "crime" is dating the mom, just stay out of it, let him ask the questions (because you can't control him) and let his kids decide they don't want to see him. It's not something you can control except to leave, and if you did, if your partner met someone new, he'd likely be pestering the kids about the new guy.
Boundaries
This is a good teachable moment for your partner to teach her children about boundaries. Many children have a tough time withat that especially with their own parents.
Also, I would back yourself off from getting them to spend more time with their bio father. Leave that to your partner.
Is the bio dad dying from
Is the bio dad dying from this disease? If so maybe he is trying figure out if you are worthy of replacing him as father figure. You don't say much about this disease so it's hard to answer your question. Is it chronic? Mental?
You do sound as if still in the "honeymoon " phase of a new relationship so backing off is sound advice.
Hi and welcome
I think you staying on the sidelines is probably the correct course on this one.
For me and my partner we didn't introduce each others kids until pretty close to 1-year in. She did let her ex know about me...
It's definitely not your role at this time to have any input about parenting time arrangements, or to attempt to shape the kids view on either parent. Kids complain about a lot of things, and being bored or not wanting to go to the second family house is really common. I don't think this scenario is an obvious call for you to reach out and try to form a 1 on 1 relationship with the guy at all...
Rule of thumb I stick to is that I only say positive things about the my wifes sons dad... I don't go out of my way to talk about him, but when he's brought up, even when its in the context of his kid complaining about him.
These kids are pretty old, and especially the 16 year old likely isn't really looking/needing/wanting to have an additional parent figure in their life.
Be fun with their kids, and focus on the relationship with your partner. Don't get put in the middle of their parenting arrangement, and be very cautious if you notice it is her trying to put you there...
The whole illness thing- you probably should give more details about if you want folks to factor that in... but either way I think the advice is at 7 months dating the mom, you shouldn't have an opinion about parenting time arrangments and that would cover how to respond to that also.
Cheers
Welcome.
I hope that you find this a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some valuable opinions and perspectives from others who are living the blended family dream.
That said, you are 7 months in. There are way too many variable still
to unfold. Be careful going all in this early.
Full disclosure, DW and I met when SS-30 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. However, SS is the only prior relationship spawn in our marriage. THe only spawn in our marriage in fact. You have three Skids. Your a month from where we were when we married. Though our blended family experience is about as Unicorn as they get. Yours... is not.
Be cautious. You do not own the relationship between your SKids and their father. Neither does your SO.
Be ready. If I were the BioDad in your situation, if my kids failed to show up per the COd visitation schedule, I would drag my X to court on a contempt motion each and every time she failed to surrender the kids per my visitation schedule.
BioDad has zero obligation to meet you. He has every right and obligation to learn about the man who his X is exposing his children to. Apparentlfy he is terminal. If I were him, I would be wanting to learn about the man who might be completing the raising of my children. And I would want to learn about him... from them.
Get in touch with reality, pull your head out of the tingly tiptoe through the tulips early relationship nirvana. See the big picture. Set and enforce the standards of behavior and performance you will require of children in your home. You and SO align. Including on how you will raise these kids in your relationship now, and potentially once their father expires.
I raised SS as my own. His BioDad, the Spermidiot, is still alive. Unfortunately for my son and for his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. Evne with him being such a POS and the SpermClan pretty much being a shallow and polluted gene pool, we have never denied a relationship between our son and the SpermClan.
You can establish your own relationship with your Skids. The hard part is figuring our where you fit.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Welcome!
I have a somewhat similar story, but my youngest DS12's biodad was/is psycho. When DH and I started dating, my ex ramped up the stalking, along with his now deceased mother. When my ex was picking up DS12 (DS was about 4yo), my now DH was there and went out to meet him, tried to introduce himself and extended his hand. My ex lowered his head, told DS to get in the car and left. My DH was always offended that the ex wouldn't attempt civility for the sake of DS, but it is what it is. My ex and his mother were so toxic that they told my young child to "kick DH in the nuts" and generally misbehave in our home. It's been a rocky road because the intent was to poison my relationship with DH, but it hasn't worked.
At this point you seem pretty invested, but still in that blissfully blind phase...and you're feelings may evolve over time. With that in mind, state your position to your SO...if you're willing to meet buoyed so he can see what kind of man you are, that's great. But if biodad doesn't want that, then that has to be OK, too. If the kids don't like being interrogated, mom could intervene and let biodad know how they feel and that it's negatively impacting their relationship and maybe he will back off.
A good mantra for someone in your position is 'not my circus, not my monkeys'....not because you don't care, but because you will need to protect yourself, too. The stepworld is harsh and often unkind to the most well-meaning of people.
Good luck!