Triggering and uncomfortable or not? WWYD?
Hi all,
So, I began to write out the history and realised regardless of the amount of information I gave you it still probably wouldn't truly explain the context. So, here is a very brief understanding of the context and I would really love your opinion/thoughts.
If you had a situation where you were actively excluded (lol - common!) from your partners ex family for years and years. You then have a falling out with them, where you don't see them because of their behaviour, but the (being SS or SD) wanted to stay in touch with your own bio DS, therefore would contact him directly, via text (while he lives with you) to organise meetings etc, would you be ok with it? From my perspective, it feels like a continuation of splitting that occurred - they are just now choosing to 'collect' your DC as well (and not you). But, I also think that they are entitled to have their own relationship with each other and to not stand in the way of that regardless of how I might feel.
So, would you feel triggered by it and if so what would you do, or just accept it is likely (or not) to feel uncomfortable (at the least!) and don't get involved? They are all adults now. Thank you.
I'd let it be
If they're adults, they will choose their own friends. Assuming your DS is a normal, capable man, I'd let it be. You can't help feeling wary and cautious about them but this is outside you.
I forgot to mention - yes,
I forgot to mention - yes, young adult SD is aware of the dynamic and we have had open chats about it. It is more having a rest from the constant reminder that you are not part of the family and we will pick and choose who we want.. so it's like they are now choosing my child in an overt and arrogant way.
And - also want to add.. lots
And - also want to add.. lots of denial of behaviours from the stepchild's perspective, so if you asked/questioned/were curious about things they would deny even obvious behaviours.
Is your DD an ours child with your SO?
If so, that makes your SD a half sib to the SKids.
My SS has three younger half sibs by two other baby mamas.
Due to them being the product of the Spermidiot combined with being raised in that shallow and polluted gene pool without an amazing mother to counter the genetic cess pool challenges, one is on the dole, one is in prison, and the youngest is not far behind the inmate.
My SS does not have much to do with them, any of them, as the whole situation breaks his heart.
If your child is not a half sib to the toxic failed family progeny of your mate, I would struggle with that if I were you.
I would periodically advise my child to be cautious regarding the StepSpawn reminding my kid of their crap and disrespect toward you.
I am (edit) NOT (edit) one to let the facts fade. Keep them front and center.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Thanks JRI, Rags and
Thanks JRI, Rags and Yesterdays. Appreciate your thoughts. Rags - yes, they are half sibs and even though they are I feel uncomfortable that the SK will pursue a relationship even when they understanding the splitting that occurred for years. It feels like a 'I don't want you but I will spend time/include in my family - your child.' I do understand, logically, that they are entitled to their own relationship. They are their own people. My DS understands the situation. I think it was mainly that I wanted a break from the 'splitting' that was done in such an arrogant way. It has felt like a war. I agree with you Yesterdays - it would be helpful to not discuss details her the SK but I would if my DS wanted to discuss.
It sounds as if this is as tuff as it gets for a SParent with a
half sib child to a partner's toxic failed family progeny.
As tuff at it is, your child is a sib to your estranged toxic SKid.
I still think you need to balance keeping your DK fully abreast of the toxicity perpetrated by your SK, your DK should be fully aware, and also communicating to your DK that you will not try to interfere in their relationship with their half sib while advising your DK to be wary.
Thank you
Thanks Rags. Yes, I agree and you highlighted the issues perfectly.
I hope it works out
My Dd talks to SD still. Drives me crazy but try not to show it.
I believe my DD will figure her out without my help x
good luck.
Rock and Hard Place
ooof thats so freaking hard.
On so many different levels. I do not have bios, but Im protective of my friends and parents and other things.
My take is that if you dont want a relationship with ME, ok fine, but you dont get to have benefits from me if that is the case.
What does your Bio feel about all this?
Yep, I am also of the mind that they also do not get access
to my resources, my friends, or my family.
My mom was all convinced that she would have a relationship with my XW after we divorced. Nope. Even my incredible mom gained clarity in a hurry and gave up on that forlorn hope.
A half-a-decade+ later my mom was also convinced that the SpermGrandHag could not possibly be as my DW and I described her behavior..... My mom lost her proverbial shit when she was visiting and heard the SpermGrandHag ranting and screaming in a banshee rage at my DW on the phone over some irrelevant crap. My mom took the phone (yes, in age of the house phone), gave the SpermGrandHag some clarity that she would not speak to her "daughter' that way and slammed the phone down.
As good hearted as my mom is and as somewhat naive, she quickly gains clarity when people do not behave to her expecations.
Of course no one can prevent a toxic person from pursuing relationships with our friends and family, but... .neither do we have to let it go uncontested.
Thanks Clove. You have raised
Thanks Clove. You have raised a really good point. Because although DS has a relationship with his half-sister and loves her, he also knows how I have experienced it. And while he likes catching up with her, he also feels a little uncomfortable that there is this kind of division. I totally appreciate that their relationship needs to be separate, but also feel that we are all interconnected - so a little like dominos - where one action has a ripple effect.
Why?
May I ask why your DS wants a relationship with someone who treated you this way? Have you asked?
There may be a valid reason, but it seems odd, unless DS doesn't realize how badly they treated you.
Great question! I kept alot
Great question! I kept alot from DS growing up because I wanted to protect their relationship. As he has got alot older he has noticed things. This is difficult though because his experience as a younger child with his half-sister is a loving one. So he finds it uncomfortable to hold the two experiences. What I do know is that he respects my experiences and wants to make sure that he supports me. He also knows that I understand his experiences. I want to make sure that he has the freedom to do his thing and I fully trust him and know he understands.