Update on BF moving and SS's behavior
Thank you everyone for all of your advice lately.
As you all know, BF is moving and the last update was that he sat down with SS and told him the deal, SS’s behavior improved, he helped throw out stuff and threw out old/broken stuff, donated stuff he didn’t want and took some stuff to BM’s house.
He then went on his weekly visit with BM. He came for his visit with BF and refused to help pack, once again asking why BF had to move. BF said, I told you, I can’t afford to live here anymore.” SS said, “If you weren’t a fat lazy slob that chose a whore over me you would not be in this predicament,” (BF is not fat, but BM is stick skinny and always on diets and calls anyone over 90 pounds fat) and SS once again said, “You’re not moving, you’re pipe dreaming, you’re bluffing.”
BF told him if he does not help he will throw out everything he owns. SS then went back to BM’s, and BF still has a lot of moving to do. Due SS's refusal to help and his constant complaining, BF did not get much done.
We had therapy and BF is very upset over SS’s behavior. I felt bad as he cried because he is losing his son. I can’t imagine any of this as my kids would never speak that way to anyone, much less their dad.
We originally agreed that he needs to move and get rid of the stuff by himself, but the therapist thinks we should do it together with the stipulation that BF and I move out stuff in separate rooms and he doesn’t question what I choose to throw away.
BF told me that when he accused of making him throw SS's stuff away, it was because he felt he would be losing SS if he threw his stuff away. Therapist told him that is not the case, and time with him is more valuable than stuff.
The therapist said that since BF is now processing what has happened, he is going to get angry and things “will get worse before it gets better” in regards to him dealing with his unprocessed trauma. Not sure if anyone has dealt with this kind of thing when kids are PAS’ed?
Anyway, BF is trying, he has not been getting angry with me. We have to do our “homework” from the therapist and move today. Wish us luck!
BM always
called BF fat, stupid, ugly and always told him he has no brains. He has a Master's Degree for goodness sake! she has SS parroting her.
If the therapist isn’t helping
There no hope for BF. This kid is enmeshed with BM. If BM wants this kid to hate his BF. There nothing, you, the therapist, BF can do. BF has to understand nothing he does matters, it's BM controlIng SS life.
“If you weren’t a fat lazy
“If you weren’t a fat lazy slob that chose a whore over me you would not be in this predicament,”
I really and truly hope that your bf told his son exactly why he has no money and in full detail. It's also time he was told how uneducated, how uncool, he sounds when he parrots what his mother says. Time he started having ideas of his own rather than simply believing what she says. Finally, if I had ever uttered words like that in the presence of either of my parents, I'd have needed an ambulance ... Can youi get recordings of him uttering such offensive words? They might be worth saving, you never know ...
Remind me again, how old is this child again? I seem to remember thinking that the idea of pipe dreams was beyond what would be usual vocabulary for his age.
BF did tell him last week in a nice way
He told SS last week that he was in nice cheap apartment with a great landlord, she gave up custody and he had him all the time and he got the house, then went from full custody of SS to not seeing him for a long time to getting him the small time he has him now. SS told him that he didn’t need him to tell him his “life story.”
He is now 16
Time to dump every last
Time to dump every last belonging he has on BM's doorstep and drop the rope. He doesn't deserve to be around decent people.
PS
Telling him "nicely" is a waste of time - he doesn't speak "nicely", doesn't understand it. He's 16 and fully capable of facing brutal reality.
I agree
But sadly, I know BF is not ready to do that
16? toss that shit. he knows
16? toss that shit. he knows better at 16. he was warned. I think it's fair to save one plastic tub of his stuff and what doesn't fit ... cya!
"Fine SS, you don't want your
"Fine SS, you don't want your life story, fine. Not that it is any of your business, but the reality of the situation is that I spent $100k in legal expenses to try to stay in your life. Because I spent that money, I can no longer afford my current residence, hence why I am moving."
I would feel inclined to include "But I am starting to realize very quickly that that $100k was a real waste of money given how you treat me" but I know BF won't say that.
The kid is 16. He is more than old enough to be told the unfiltered truth. At this point, BF has nothing left to lose.
As for your question, my DH
As for your question, my DH was very sad and demoralized with OSD and her PAS. Then yes, anger, sometimes directed at me and others. I wouldn't stand for that and let him know. His therapist helps.
At this point, five + years later and with only one interaction in the last 4, he swings between the two emotions sometimes. Usually it's a show or movie we are watching with a parent/child situation of some sort. Which does irritate me because it's almost impossible to avoid all shows that may involve minors. He'll go on a rant and I just uh-huh a long because there's nothing I can say.
Horrible horrible skid
He sounds thoroughly unlikable. How dare that pos utter such disgusting tripe.
Glad that your partner is getting help.
Yes, I agree
I am sorry to say I cannot stand SS, he was disrespectful and parentified when I met him (BM and BF both treated him like a “friend” and not a child) and I have not seen him in a long time. BF used to be able to sidestep the landmines that from BM/SS for the most part, but now that he is broke and has a judgement that SS refuses to follow, I am seeing him unravel and don’t know what to do.
I know stepparents get hate
I know stepparents get hate for using terms like "little shit", but this guy....
A quality therapist is worth their weight in gold.
Sadly, there appear to be far more POS therapists than good ones.
I was lucky. I picked mine out of the yellow pages, back when there were yellow pages. I chose her because she was $50/hr. She originally was our marriage therapist when I lost my mind and was fighting save my marriage to that adulterous skank whore. Doc helped calm things and the process was delivering improvements. Until 5mos into marriage therapy when Doc rolled out the part where we started working on our entire lack of marital intimacy. XW stood up proclaimed "I do not have a problem with sex." and walked out of session. She moved out of our marital home two months later and in with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive grandpa baby/sugar daddy. She was knocked up with his ancient sperm. She certainly did not have a problem with sex. She was riding every swinging Johnson she could get her hands on. She left her diaries in our home when she left. Those came in handy in the divorce. She had a habbit of writing of her exploits.
I kept seeing the therapist who had completed her PhD while I was working with her. 5mos after XW walked out, I showed up for my weekly session and Doc sat me down, told me I was fine and that I was welcome to keep coming to session with her that I was an entirely different person than the sullen defeated man who had walked into her office 8mos beofe. She told me that if anyone one told her that the vibrant man with such a "child like zest for life" was the same man who first met with her she would have never believed it. She told me that I was fine and to go live my best life.
I have done my best to do just that ever since.
Where one like my beautiful amazing professional angel Doc is priceless, there are many that only do what they do because they couldn't get a real profession.
So many Sparents seem to find those examples.
Remember, your therapist works for you. If they are not delivering to your expecation, fire them and find one who will. Many seem to not be professional enough to avoid having an agenda rather than focusing on what is best for their clients.
I'm stunned that your BF
I'm stunned that your BF allowed his son to refer to you as a whore without knocking him into next Tuesday (figuratively, of course). Your BF should be ashamed of himself for tolerating that. Sounds to me like the therapist is worse than worthless.
BF
In a rock and a hard place. BM claims BF and I are dangerous and SS is afraid of us
Wow
Wow, that kid needs slapped upside the head. How dare he speak to his father that way?! What a brat. Sorry you have to deal with him.
The therapist is not for SS
The therapist is BF's longtime therapist and we go together. The runificaiton therapist for SS was court ordered and ended. Once it ended, SS began acting like he did before/during the PAS. BM is refusing to agree for a therapist for SS (One thing she kept refusing during the court), saying that SS doesn't need one and WE are the problem, and said in the past that once BF dumps that skank (ME) SS will freely go with him and she will agree to a therapist for BF/SS.
I thought you SS was younger. There is no excuse for a 16 year
I thought your SS was younger. There is no excuse for a 16 year old to talk about you like he did to his father. Your SO should have put him in his place no matter what he thought the consequences might be. As was said upthread, at this point your SO has nothing to lose. Nothing he says one way or the other is going to make a difference, so he might as well opt for the truth.
I do find it odd that a 16 year old would continue to make comments about the move not really happening and not being real. He is old enough to see that it is happening.
I know your SO works with a therapist. Hopefully the therapist is going to help him come to terms with the fact that his kid is well on the way to being PAS'd out and there is really nothing he can do about it at this point. Honestly, his best bet is to "drop the rope" and quit trying to force SS to visit. He should stay in touch on a casual basis and let the rest of it go. My DH did that at a slightly younger age, and his daughter did come back around in her 20's. If you remember Tog, her DH did the same thing with the same results. He didn't see his kid for several years, but he eventually came back around.
SS is saying that he is not
SS is saying that he is not moving because he is parroting BM. She always called BF a fat lazy loser and called me a whore (Yet she left him for a married man) and now SS talks just like her.
Thank you
The therapist is trying to help him come to terms with the fact that SS is way to being PAS'd out, and told him that he did all he can do, what he is doing isn’t working, and its time to let go.
It seems that he is slowly realizing it, but I can’t tell for sure. A few sessions ago the therapist told BF that he did all he could do with SS, nothing is working, SS is too far gone, and he needs to pull back and let SS go to him. At the time he said SS is a victim of BM, he's a good boy and he will not give up on him.
I think he is slowly realizing it, but is very hesitant to let go. Many ppl have suggested letting go of SS and he said he will not do that. It seems he holds SS unaccountable and blames BM for the way he is.
SS will be going back to BM's Sunday night so I will keep everyone updated on how his weekend with SS was.
It's not really giving up and
It's not really giving up and no contact. More like coming to terms with the situation and that at this point there's nothing that can be actively done on DHs end. DH shouldn't push for time, or force SS to do anything, but set expectations like he did about SSs things. For instance if SS wants to visit DH he's welcome to and needs to contact DH to do so. And DH should maintain neutral contact like texting updates or with general info and conversation. Keep the lines of communication open. Send bday gifts (but not go all out with them).
My DH has done all of the above and although he's still frustrated and OSD19 still estranges herself, she cannot claim FH abandoned her.
My DH's daughter's therapist came right out and told him he was
My DH's daughter's therapist came right out and told him he was doing more damage than good by forcing her to visit. She understood why he was doing it, and "principal of the matter," and that he was afraid he was going to lose his daughter - but she said for some kids you can't get through to them and making them visit just makes it worse. And honestly, they don't all always come back. It worked for my DH and Tog and a few others on this site. I think it depends on the kid and the level of PAS.
I find myself wondering if
I find myself wondering if this kid's hatefulness spills over into his every day life. What's he like at school? Does he have any friends? Does he participate in any sports or extracurriculars?
Not sure
I am not sure If he has any friends. I don't know much about his grades, as BM keeps BF out of the loop. SS is big on soccer and plays on many leagues. BF got him into soccer and was a soccer coach for many years and out of the blue got told he was told he was no longer needed. I told him to look into the reason as I KNEW it was because of her, he didn't (This was years ago) Now she is the peruvial soccer mom.
From what I hear BM treats him like a baby and he doesn’t go out much.
As you know she left them for a married man and when she got dumped, she came back and saw I was in the picture. She took SS away and turned him against us. Courts did nothing but made BF pay her back CS when she was gone (I told him to get emergency custody he would not)
She told BF he would never see kid again unless he dumped me, saying that SS was not ready for either of them to be in a relationship, he should concentrate on SS and not me, and claimed she dumped the married man because she wanted SS (BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). She also told BF that i was a whore and i was stealing drugs from my patients at work (She told the cops that too; the night she had him arrested she told cops she was trying to warn him and he assaulted her). She had no injuries and refused to let cops talk to SS, who was there.
She Broke into his Icloud account and showed up at court with printed copies of our sexting messages. I was told by cops when I tried to file a complaint that it was my own fault for "sending that stuff"
As you know she turned him against me, telling him that BF loves me and my kids more than him. She told him “You laugh with her now, you won’t be laughing when dad is living his new life with her and her kids and you don’t exist to him anymore.”
Not to victim blame, but your
Not to victim blame, but your SO should not be allowing his son to speak that way. It's really repulsive and by allowing him to speak to his parent or any adult that way, it's ruining him. Even if he gets to "see" him, he will be seeing a hateful human who treats him like garbage and SS will continue to be that person everywhere he goes.
I agree
I feel the same way!
Thank you everyone
SS’s visit this weekend is going well. BM texted SS and told him she decided to tell get him a bunny for Easter. ("I wish you could come but YOUR DAD would never allow it, I'm soooo sorry you have to deal with that" What a joke! Getting a bunny on his day? She couldn't do that any other day?) She’s always making comments to SS about how sorry she is for him that he has to deal with a dad like that and sooo sorry that dad is with a whore instead of making SS a priority…..Whatever…I’m not the one that left the both of them for a married man….
SS was sad about mom getting the bunny and told BF that he wished he could go with mom and said, “I wish you could drop me off at the mom’s house and get me after we get the bunny, but you’ll get VERY angry.”
BF said no, he would not be angry, it sounds fun and he could do that. SS was shocked that dad wasn’t mad. (BM is sooooo transparent!) BF dropped him off and got him after they got the bunny. SS is in a good mood and they are having a great weekend. BM must be seething right now…
I guess BM’s tactics to get SS mad at BF didn’t work. We have been discussing with the therapist not to save SS from BM’s tactics, he has to see her for who she is and let him know/realize her schemes.
Happy Easter everyone!
That poor bunny!
That poor bunny!
Kids need their noses rubbed in the stench of
Behavioral toxicity whether it is perpetrated by the kid themselves or the parent in the toxic opposition l. Vince the kid reaches adulthood, the interface is on them but the grinding of their noses into their stench and the toxic parent's stench has to continue if the stench generating behavior continues.
When calling their father's mate a whore, they should immediately be reminded that the only white is a their mother who ran off with a married man, etc,etc, etc.
pick whichever parent is the toxic one.
"Kid, it is your mother/father who abandoned our family, it was not me. It is your mother/father who continues to try to destroy what is left of our family with their continuing lies."