First part of this blog here:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/188650

Second part here:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/188948

This would mark the 6th time that I have met with SS’s therapist. It’s also the first time DW and I met with the therapist without SS present. That being said, I walked into the office knowing full well that my thoughts and observations would have little impact.

I never expected what would transpire next!

What I said: I told the therapist that while there has been a lot of positive effects of these therapy sessions, I don’t think “art therapy” (drawing and make stuff with construction paper and popsicle sticks) is appropriate for SS at his age. It may have been a useful technique to get SS to open up when he was little and had trouble expressing his feelings, but SS is a teenager now. I also said that I do not believe that throwing crumpled paper balls at his mother should be encouraged either. If SS is angry, frustrated or discouraged, he should learn to communicate and deal with those feelings like a normal teen, and not encouraged to act upon them like a child.

The therapist listened intently and she repeated my concerns.

“Basically what you are saying Drac0 is that you do not want SS to regress?”

“Yes!” I stated. “That is exactly it!"

The therapist then asked if SS acts this way (like a child) towards me. I said no. In fact, just last week SS expressed a keen interest in the political elections we were having. He was asking me very mature questions about a subject that – normally – doesn’t interest teens at all. I also stated that in my observations with his friends, he doesn’t act this way either. SS and his friends don’t sit together to draw pictures or make little arts and crafts projects (much less throw stuff at each other). They play video games, try out their skateboards, and talk about stuff that interests them. SS even replaced a wheel on his skateboard himself the other day which actually surprised me because I have never seen him use a screwdriver before.

“What about SS and his father?” The therapist asked. “How does he act with his Dad?”

On this both DW and I said that we were not sure since SS and his father have little (if any) interaction. But if I was to place a bet, I don’t think his Dad would tolerate SS crumpling little paper balls and throwing them at him as a means to “express his feelings”.

The therapist then turned to DW and I could tell the therapist was a little uncomfortable for what she was about to say next.

“In my opinion.” The therapist explained “Based on what I have seen and what Drac0 has observed, SS only regresses when he is with you DW.”

“Uh? Me? Why only me?” DW said.

“You and SS have built a – *ahem* – a rather unique relationship when you and Donkeykong split up. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just that your feelings for each other have become – how should I put this – “enmeshed”?”

HOLY CRAP! Is she really going there!?!?

“What do you mean?” DW asked clearly confused (and even as I write this, I suspect DW is STILL confused).

The therapist explained that when SS is in our custody, he is confident in his “place” in our home. He knows that DW will move heaven and earth for him. Contrarily at his Dad’s SS has a hard time “fitting in” largely due to the fact that Donkeykong doesn’t understand him.

“But you on the other hand” The therapist continues to explain to DW. “Not only do you understand SS, but you go out of your way to anticipate his feelings and his needs. If he feels angry, or depressed or sad, you are there not just to comfort him but to act as an extension to his feelings – basically what I am telling you DW – is that you need to let go.”

Cue dramatic pause for effect

A lot of other things were discussed, but what I wrote here above was the main punch of our talks with the therapist. The therapist agrees with me on a certain level that SS should be encouraged to talk and express his feelings without resorting to child’s play but “on his own terms”. What the therapist suggested is asking SS if he is open to the idea of seeing the therapist on his own.

“And it doesn’t have to be me…” The therapist said as well. “Most children who see me either end up going to see someone else or stop going to therapy altogether because they don’t need it anymore but it’s ALWAYS on their terms…”