Wow that was first with DH.
My steplife has not been easy by any stretch. 15+ years of constant drama from Beaver and the skids. Its been never ending. For awhile we were in court with Beaver every year. In fact in 15+ years we have only been out of court for the last 3 to 4 years.
On Saturday..I had enough of the drama between DH, SD and Beaver and well just with life in general. I ended up go off on both DH and SD.
IN doing so I told DH....Its been 15 years..I'm tired of the drama. I want a drama free life. I have been patient and supportive for 15 f*cking years..and I'm done. No more drama...no more will SD be here in the morning or not...no more..I don't know what SD is going to do blah, blah, blah. I'M OVER IT....
We worked though the shiznit with SD and quite frankly it went better than if would have due to the fact DH is learning he has to communicate and deal with things. (Thank you Marriage Counselor).
In private later..DH quietly says with out prompting...
Halo, I'm so sorry. I realized today while you were yelling at us..that you are right. Its been 15 years of constant stress and drama from me and my kids. I understand why you are done dealing with it. To be honest..I'm suprised you have stayed with me. I have to admit to myself..if the roles were reversed, I would not have stayed or dealt with any of this. I have been selfish for YEARS in thinking that you were the problem...but in reality..your not. I am and the drama surrounding me is the problem. Its always been me and I am very very sorry. You never deserved any of this and I'm beyond grateful that you have stayed and we can work on things. I'm the reason for the drama and I'm the reason that our marriage has been hard.
HOLY CRAP....I never thought I would hear this at all. I had a deer in the headlights look let me tell you.
I looked at him and said..ok so what are you going to do to minimize the drama? We haven't come up with all the solutions but we have some.
SD will be 17 in a month. She is old enough to know that she needs to let her Dad know when she will be here and when she will not when she is with Beaver. Her idiot mother certainly isn't going to. So..if SD doesn't let DH know...then the door will be locked and SD will not get into the house. Period..full stop. The same goes with getting to work..if SD doesn't ask DH if he available to take her on her mother's week...DH will not take her. Its that simple.
I'm just in awe of the fact..DH finally after all these years...woke up and realized the drama in our lives is from HIM..I'm just reacting to it..not creating it.
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Common sense and basic courtesy.
Seems like steps are often given a pass on those basic things. She's not a widdle girl and can certainly communicate basic courtesy information of HER needs! I'm glad and hope this breakthrough sticks!
That’s great he finally
That’s great he finally acknowledged the sh@t show of his life has been of his own creation, but saying that and doing something about it are two different things. What steps is he going to put into place, aside from not babying his 17 year old anymore? Funny the realizations they have when all the hard work is finally almost done and in a year he can wash his hands of it.
DH with my help decided
If SD cannot tell him she will be coming in the morning when she is with her mother..then the door will be locked and she will not get in. If SD doesn' ask him for a ride before she needs to be at work..then he doesn' drive her. He flat out told her he is tired of feeling like an uber driver and tired of her and Beaver just assuming he will take care of everything.
So small steps and we can address the rest in therapy at the end of the month
Whoa!
That is huge for him to admit! Taking responsibility for being the drama and stress rather than trying to blame you. Next up, sticking by the things he has said to combat it! Making SD plan and be responsible is only positive for everyone, including her.
I feel like I'm in the exact same place. I've been with DH for 7 years, and it has been nothing but constant stress and drama from Crazy and skids. They are the most high-maintenance kids I have ever met, plus there is the constant stream of BS from Crazy. DH feels it a lot and knows it, but he also has the benefit of his rose-colored glasses to dull some of it. I don't have that. I see every single thing in full, annoying detail, and none of it is cute or fun. I would probably have moved to a different state by now, but we can't because of skids. I told DH when SD is 18 I want to move (which he knew years ago), but this time he balked, because "we don't know where the skids will be". As in, if skids are still in our state, we need to live here too. NO WE DON'T DH. People move all the GD time, and I will have spent 12yrs putting up with constant drama and stress from HIS kids- I am not staying in the same place "just in case" they might stay in the same state. My life is not going to revolve around these kids forever. At some point, he can make a sacrifice for ME.
I told DH the same thing yesterday
that we haven't been able to move due to the kids. Mine are adults...one will be heading to Scotland next year (we are in the US)..and my other one will be figuring out his next move. Neither need me.....I could move now if I wanted.
However, I told DH I'm tired of not planning our future because he doesn't know what SD wants to do. SD and Dh rubbed me the wrong way the other when DH was talking to SD about what she is going to do in a year...and she looked at him and said..what I have plenty of time to figure it out. NO SD YOU DO NOT...YOU HAVE ONE YEAR and at this point all your college dreams have gone up in smoke due to your grades, etc. FIGURE IT THE F*CK OUT...
I told DH I'm tired of the drama..tired of my life being on hold. Either way I will be making plans for the future..either with him or with out him. I'm not waiting around anymore....
O/T Ooh,ooh
Where in Scotland are they going (I'm an expat Scot)?
DD is going to St.Andrews
next year for her masters in mathmatics and data science.
She orginally was going to Uni of Glasglow but covid hit and ruined that.
Congratulations to her! It's
Congratulations to her! It's a lovely place to live.
I'm a bit biased, I totally love Glasgow and the whole way of life there. I've promised one of my daughters that I'd take her there one of these days ( not my home town and that is almost all she's seen of Scotland).~ Unfortunately, now that she's embarked on globe-trotting studies, I don't know if that will ever happen...
We made some amazing Glaswegian friends when we lived in
Qatar.
Still haven't made it north of Hadrian's Wall though. It is on our list.
Before marriage, my husband
Before marriage, my husband told me that he was not tied down and could move around any time, he just needed two years tops....After marriage, we had big fights about moving closer to my family. He then dropped the bombshell that he can never move anywhere out of state, let alone country because of his kids....
I was shocked.....my condition was being able to move closer to my family....he really pissed me off and I felt betrayed. He said that what did I expect! Someone with kids has to stay around until they are 18....Now he complains that he is watching his life rot away to be in the same location as his kids who dont care or respect him....
Another reason to avoid marrying ppl with dependents unless you plan to stay put
WOW Lucky you! Mine would
WOW Lucky you! Mine would probably rather kill himself than to admit his situation is crap and dramatic and killed our marriage
In his world, i am the problem not the children/BMs.....they are a bit annoying but there is absolutely nothing wrong with their behaviors! I, on the other hand, am a complete demon attacking poor single mothers and their blessed children lol
When i tell him that I would never advise anyone to marry someone with children and I would never have done it if I had known it was this messy, he claims that im being a hater and bitter....
Weird logic.....the BMs and the children all function the same as well....all these ppl think that they are drama free and peaceful and "chill"....when literally, ever since I have been married, I have never dealt with something like this on this scale and my family can be quite dramatic (not in a bad way) but these ppl are straight up toxic including my own husband....what a weird family
At least yours is self aware and going to therapy so thats the first step towards healthy boundaries and relationship. I have accepted that this will never happen in my world lol
WOW!
Well, congratulations. Its a battle win and not the war, however thats a huge step forward. Hopefully steps continue to be taken in the right directions and changes are concrete.
Its perfectly ok and sane to ask for plans. To make our own plans. Sometimes I think they keep us off balance SPECIFICALLY so we cannot make plans. And perpetual holding patterns prevail. And then in the cloud of confusion they get what THEY want, forget about what WE want and what WE need.
I know this because I am currently in that "holding pattern" of uncertainty.
Husband is "taking his break".
SD16.5almost17 is moving locations with Toxic Troll, and her grades are def not college level. But she hasnt moved YET.
Feral Forger has been in new location 4 months. She typically only lasts 6-7 months so thats getting close.
Loads of big shifts this year.
SKs being in and out
We also had the SKs here unexpectedly tho not so erratic as you're having. Not to take your SD's side but its probably confusing where both parents have homes and learning that BM's place is actually "home" where you can come and go but at Dad's place, you should let them know when you're coming. Of course, your SD is old enough to get it but yes, spell it out clearly.
We also had the situation where the SKs, well, actually SD, treated our place like a warehouse. Need toilet paper? Pick some up at Dad's. Need a piece of lawn equipment? Pick it up at Dad's. Its a boundary thing that we are constantly monitoring.
I'm happy for you. Your DH is seeing the light.
Remember
Actions speak louder than words.