O/T: Feeling Out of Control/Crazy
Things haven't been great lately and I feel like I'm out of control or going crazy.
DH and I have entered the roommate stage of marriage. It has been this way, to an extent, since DD was born last year. I chalked it up to the stress of the first year of parenthood, but it seems to go beyond that. We just aren't clicking anymore. We have very little to talk about and very little in common. Intimacy is non-existent and honestly, I don't even want it. I have talked to my OB about hormones and drive, thinking that could be a factor, but my OB wasn't helpful, saying "anything is possible." Every night after work, we put DD to bed and sit on the couch watching TV, each of us staring at our own phones. We have been together for 10 years, married for 4.5. I think we clicked so well early on over our fight for SS because BM was the common enemy that brought us closer together, but now that BM is mostly subdued and SS is "Team BM & GF," we don't have that common fight anymore. Plus, I work remote, so there really isn't anything to talk about besides starting a load of laundry or what I had for lunch. I don't want to divorce, but I don't know how to fix the relationship either. I also don't want to give up the life that I've worked hard to build (our house, our somewhat financial stability, etc.) or half my life with DD.
I am also struggling with my Mom. My Mom has always been a little narcissistic, but it has worsened with age. I have mentioned this before, but when I was pregnant, my Mom went out and bought duplicate of everything for her house and insisted on babysitting while I worked. DH and I can't financially afford full time daycare so we said "Okay," knowing full well it would be difficult. Well, it has been a year of pure hell and I feel like I am co-parenting with my Mother. My Mom cannot help herself but to overstep, provide constant unsolicited advice, and undermine my parenting. Her and I have had knock-out, drag out fights over this issue. Every time I convey my frustration, her response is that I'm "too sensitive," or "I took it out of context," or "I raised you so I know what I'm doing." It is always pure gaslighting. Plus, my Mom is insecure about her relationship with DD1, so she is extremely clingy and possessive toward DD in my presence, which just gives me the "ick." I didn't have children so my Mom could have a "do over" in parenting and I feel like there is a part of her that truly believes she has some form of authority or is "Mommy" to DD. I don't even feel like a Mother to my own child. My Dad has tried talking to my Mom about it, but she just steamrolls him.
I finally got myself to a place where I can create distance from my Mom and still successfully work full-time, relying some on DH's hybrid work role. That was until DH dropped the bomb recently that he is expected to travel for work now - like two to three travel days/overnights per week, essentially eliminating his once hybrid role. This has created some resentment toward DH. The thing is, DH doesn't make much, and with CS taken out and his normal deductions, his checks are almost non-existent. DH works in IT and DH's brother is an IT recruiter. BIL has informed me of the possible job prospects DH could obtain and I have grown to realize that DH is thinking small. DH could be making double, if not triple, what he makes, but is choosing not seek another job due to "workplace culture" and loving his coworkers. DH also doesn't want a fully remote job because he "needs the social," yet I work fully remote because it works best for our family; I miss the social too, but we need this arrangement for our life to work. I'm ready to kill DH because his lack of ambition keeps me stranded in this toxic dynamic with my Mom. I tried looking for other jobs recently in my field (because clearly it's on ME to elevate our finances and our lifestyle), but I am actually in the creme de la creme for my field. There is nothing better - I make great money for my field (though not a lot compared to other fields), have excellent benefits that barely cost me a dime, and have 6 weeks of PTO annually. I have argued with DH that his "commitment" to a sucky job is putting me in this bind with my Mom, and he says he will look for new jobs, then never does. Plus I'm resentful because of the whole HCBM and SS situation which I have no control over that already makes our lives harder.
I just feel so out of control of my own life and it's driving me insane. I feel like I am part of the problem and often find myself apologizing, but I don't know why or for what. I think I just need validation or grounding that I'm not crazy. I don't know what to do anymore.
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Counseling
We always recommend this but I really think you would benefit from individual therapy. Sometimes when we are in these seemingly hopeless situations, an outsider can truly see things we can"t.
I really feel for you, CastleJJ, you've been thru a lot with the BM/GF situation, the birth of DD, your mom and the disconnect with DH. Its a lot. I also think you need a new OB.
I know you're busy but carve out the time to find a good therapist. It can change your life, it changed mine. Good luck, Dear.
Thank you, JRI. I have
Thank you, JRI. I have actually cycled in and out of therapy for several years. My first therapist was wonderful, but she moved away. My second therapist worked well for a while, but then essentially "fired" me, saying he no longer knew how to help me and recommended anxiety medication, which I have tried, but it only made things worse. My OB was willing to work with me to adjust my birth control to try to improve the hormones, but she said it's a lot of trial and error and could make things worse until we find the perfect fit. I'm apprehensive to try that if that's not the issue.
I know I need counseling. I am going to call and find out what my insurance coverage is for mental health and counseling services. My concern is that if I don't have decent coverage.in that area, I really can't afford to incur the expense right now. I will have to look into it.
I get it completely CastleJJ
My formerly unshakable world has cracked a bit over the past couple of days. I hit a point where my DW's insistance on punishing herself by embracing the feelings of guilt she has for leaving her 4.5yr toxic work environment was beyond me to not say something about in an effort to get her to not go repeatedly down a spiral of how crappy her life is, ...... Bad move Rags.
It isn't crapy. She lives a magnificent life. We both do. Together... For some reason she is recycling to punish herself on a decision that she clearly has stated was the right one.
I don't get it. But, neither my DW, nor you, are crazy.
Give it time, talk to someone, you are a new mom, working from home and isolated. You are fighting still with the narcissistic mother you been fighting your whole life, and have kept in her place for a very long time. Forgive yourself, be your best you, live your best life, you will find the CastleJJ you want to be again.
So will my brilliant bride.
I just hope it is soon, for you, for her, and for me.
Take care.
Have you tried to communicate
Have you tried to communicate this to DH? Like as respectfully as possible but without pulling any punches. The biggest issue I can see here is communication breakdown which leads to resentment. We're not talking about how many loads of washing you did today but just getting on the same page with DH about how you're struggling. I went through the same thing after DD's birth where I was struggling but I didn't voice properly. I was just angry. Thinking that maybe I shouldn't say anything because it wasn't a big deal right? But the thing is, if it's getting to the point where one person is thinking about leaving then what do you have to lose by putting it all on the table?
I have sat down with DH
I have sat down with DH before and I sat down with him last night and explained basically everything I posted here. He felt bad, but still gave me excuses about "well if I get another job, I could have to be on call and I could lose some flexibility." The thing is, DH is already working 50 to 60 hours per week and acts as if he's on call, and he doesn't make good money doing that. The company knows full well that they are taking advantage of him and getting their money's worth. DH's boss offered him a raise, told him that he would go from hourly to salary, but explained that since DH puts in so much overtime, the raise would essentially equal his current wages, he just wouldn't have to work as late. That doesn't solve our financial stress. I don't have an issue with DH working a ton of hours, I have an issue with him working a ton of hours for peanuts when better opportunities are available and I'm tired of him putting his work and coworkers above his family because he likes them.
I have told DH flat out that I have considered divorce. I have told DH that I resent him for the situations he has put us in. I have talked to DH about how he often functions as a single person, making decisions that impact the whole unit without communicating or consulting; DH just does what DH wants when he wants. I try not to use blaming language, instead just trying to express how I feel. After the end of our talk last night, I felt like we got nowhere and the conversation just ended. I did see him on Indeed last night after our talk, but I don't know if it will actually come to fruition.
Can you get your BIL onboard
Can you get your BIL onboard to "help" him find a better job?
BIL was recently laid off due
BIL was recently laid off due to the huge layoffs that Amazon had so his resources are limited right now. I did ask DH to have BIL aid in the job search though.
That part about your mom- I
That part about your mom- I could have written that, word for word, about mine too. I started with her watching my DD3 but I said screw it and put her into daycare. My job has a childcare tax credit that I take advantage of- and we live VERY minimalistic (no tv, no extras) but she's in daycare FT. I couldn't do it with my mom. Even if eliminating TV allows you to send your DD to daycare part time- it would create some distance with your mom.
Plus- when DH and I got rid of our tvs and that bill to pay- it saved us for blindly staring at a screen and helps us interact. We still have Netflix and computers- but that's about it.
I feel for you.
DD is in daycare two days per
DD is in daycare two days per week. My Mom normally manages the other 3 with me present (since I work remotely). We do need to budget better and I know that. Our biggest issue is food - we order take out or fast food a lot. By the time we consider dinner after working and taking care of DD, it's 7 or 8pm and it feels too late to cook or try to figure out a meal, so we just order from somewhere. I know it's a bad habit that we need to kick to save money.
We don't have many other expenses outside of that that we can control. Everything else is our mortgage, utilities, some debt, and daycare expenses. DH and I don't have cable, only internet so we can work. We use a family member's Netflix account and have Hulu for free through our internet provider. DH and I have looked at our budget and trimmed the reoccurring "fat," but it really comes down to food.
Eating out or getting takeout
Eating out or getting takeout can really blow a food budget - I know this because we struggled with it. We're now trying to eat at home except for special occasions. I usually only cook about 3 times a week, and we eat leftovers the other days. Recently I started making double and triple batches of things that freeze well and freezing the extras for future weeks. It takes a bit longer to prep and package (really not much longer at all), but it's worth it to not have to cook on a night when I don't feel like it or I'm super busy. Casseroles, enchiladas, lasagna, pot pie, soups and stews are all things that freeze well and we like. If you can take some time one day of the weekend and do meal prep or batch cooking, that helps, too. My husband doesn't cook and isn't interested in helping me prepare meals, but he'll keep DD occupied while I do it.
Quick, healthy single pan meals!!!
We had to learn it and live it to both get healthier and to cut down on food costs.
I do most of the cooking due to DW's career and .... TAX SEASON!!!!! My time is more structured so I can get home in time to get dinner ready.
I usually combine a pre-prepared element and fresh elements. My current regular go to is Trader Joes precooked chicken meat balls. They have several items that are very good, low carb, low salt, and easy to heat up or cook from raw. I add a ton of fresh veg, etc... and can start to finish be have it cooked and plated withing 20-30 mins.
Juggling a small child, full
Juggling a small child, full-time work, and steplife is enough to make anyone go crazy. The one thing i recommend is to do whatever you can to stop depending on your mom. Life is too short to deal with that toxicity. Meal prep, cancelling cable, anything you can do.
Yes some thoughts of the top
Yes some thoughts of the top of my head... crockpot dinners, make ahead meals (a started doing this on the weekends - it makes weeknights less stressful). I love takeout so much but it's ridiculously expensive. I've also been better about trying to include meals when I plan for the week that are quick and easy (tacos for example, spaghetti and pre-made on the weekend meatballs, salads with chicken I cooked on the weekend, subs, flatbread pizza etc)
Regarding feeling like
Regarding feeling like roommates, I do think some of that is normal following the birth of a child. Your life has changed and being a parent (especially a mother) can be exhausting. We just had baby #2 and DH complains all the time that I don't give him any attention, but honestly, I'm so tapped out over everything that I don't have space for that. We both know that things will change once we all get on to a schedule. And OBs are typically not helpful with much, in my opinion anyway. I recently had the standard screening for post partum depression and I swear she adjusted my score to make it fit into the normal range. I think I might have mild PPD, but got the impression that my OB was not interested in discussing further.
I'm having struggles with my mom that are different than yours, but still, it just adds another element of "mental load" that you have to manage and that is exhausting.
Your DH should look for a new job. He has a young family right now, which means he can't travel for work. I used to travel for work and have seen some opportunities that look interesting to me, but they require travel and with two young kids and a very limited support network where we currently live that is just not in the cards for me right now. It stinks, but it's reality.
The "mental load" is really
The "mental load" is really what a lot of people don't acknowledge but it is so real. It's not about always "doing" things. Sometimes it is just everything that takes up mental space - remembering doctor appointments, ensuring that everything in our household is handled, reminding DH to call SS twice per week, making sure bills are paid on time. Each little item takes up mental space and I'm at capacity.
Mental load
I totally understand this. I dont have a job and baby but DH85 is moving into dementia, imo, so I have our finances, the household management, oversight of my mom95's care and her fiinances, all on top of my usual stuff with 5 kids, 9 gkids, not to mention SD61. He says all I do is lay on my couch (lol) but there's a lot going on in my head. As his mental capacity diminishes, I'm having to learn more, like the car maintenance. Mental load is real.
Stop reminding DH to call SS.
Stop reminding DH to call SS. If he can't remember to do that, he's pathetic. Don't overfunction for him - the cost to you is too high.
RIGHT?!
Why are you doing all the "not fun household chores"? Your husband needs to help with household stuff and you darn sure don't need to act like his mom reminding him to do stuff.. he is a grown @ss man.
Your husband is being selfish
Your husband is being selfish - full stop. He is putting his work social life above his family and your mental well being? Really? You have sacrificed for him - steplife BS - and he's going to be like this? Really?
I don't have all the answers, but I do know you should spend limited time in "wasting life situations" - you only have one and your only regrets will come from not doing things that make you happy. Do not let yourself be miserable in order to "not make waves". Either it can be fixed as a team - or you have to move forward to fix it yourself. In my experience, fixing it yourself can make you slightly more uncomfortable in the short term while you pull it together but after that - MUCH better.
Now, I am not advocating up and leaving your husband - yet plodding along forever in a manner that only works for him should not happen either. Time for him to grow up and act like a family man and make decisions on what is BEST FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY instead of only doing what he wants to do for his social life.
I have basically given him
I have basically given him that ultimatum subtly. I know that I will not be in this mental space forever. We either fix it or I will fix it on my own. I will not live a life that is miserable. I have watched my Dad do that with my Mom for 30 years.
It's my opinion that there
It's my opinion that there comes a time when subtlety has no longer a place ... be blunt, be direct, do not leave any doubt in his mind about what you expect of him as a responsible partner and parent.
I was more forceful during
I was more forceful during our conversation last night. I told him specifically when I needed and said point blank "I need this for this marriage to work. If not, I can't do this."
Addendum
"You realize, don't you, that if our marriage doesn't work out you'll need to get another job anyway because you'd be paying me child support too."
Not saying that we should
Not saying that we should settle for anything in life but I do feel like marriage has phases. It is about choosing each other even when it seems like you are living with a roommate.
It is had in those first years of parenthood. Your babies are your world and besides your home and work there is nothing else. There isn't much to talk about.
If you feel comfortable, I really suggest getting away- just the 2 of you and work on reconnecting.
One of the things I really appreciate about my husband is that he puts in the effort to make sure that we never go more than 2 weeks (as long as he isn't deployed or underway obviously) without at least a date night, and we really take a night or weekend away about every other month. We try not to talk about kids or work. We talk about world events, our pasts, our dreams for future us- but none of the monotony that weighs us down day to day.
Everyone has addressed your
Everyone has addressed your mom and DH's work situation and given good advice. The hard part is it requires action on his part for some of it to change, and I really hope he takes you seriously and explores options.
Aside from that, you and DH are in a rut. There are big issues contributing to that for sure, which is going to take work to fix- but I think you should also take steps to get out of the roommate phase. One small piece of advice I would add Is: The thing that makes couples feel the closest and have a sense of being connected is doing new things together. Experiencing something new, as a couple...having an adventure, if you will. It may seem small, but I would plan something for just the 2 of you that is exciting and a new experience. It may require getting a babysitter, spending $ that you would rather not spend, but not much more is important than getting back to a place of happiness with your partner. And I work from home also, I know how tedious life can get being in the same old routine. I love WFH, but it also has some drawbacks. You need to put in that work to stay connected to your spouse. I feel the most connected to DH when we have something to look forward to and are excited about something together.
Hugs.
I'm in the "phases" camp
Honeymoon
Settling in
Roommate (pretty difficult- usually accompanied by child rearing)
Empty nest (accompanied by menopause)
Golden Age
ALL relationships go through these phases no matter who you are with. Men have egos that need to be fed. That may be old fashioned but it is true. They need to be admired and respected. Women need to be admired as well as some romance. Your spouse's personality will determine how this will go. Steplife just makes it that more complex. And it is difficult with a spouse that does not accept blame easily yet has high expectations for others.
I can sympathize with your
I can sympathize with your situation for sure. Right now, my DH is actually working a part time job that allows him to turn down the work if it doesn't fit with our plans.. I am in a very different place with my company with a lot of time off and we are close to retirement. For a variety of reasons.. my DH's work history has been a bit all over the board.. he works a job that almost always requires him to be gone.. like full time gone for long stretches.. or he was working at his own businesses.. that have had their own struggles (like being put out of business by a change in some licensing that was not predictable.. or by economic issues.. again.. not predictable.. and harder to weather when your business is runnign closer to the bone). Fortunately, we didn't have kids to worry about.. other than his two DD's.. and his CS was actually not all that horrible.. to the point where i would pay it if he didn't have it.. because it was a better bet than letting his EX try to go to court and have it changed to something more.). And.. he is a few years older than me.. and pretty much close to an early retirement age.. so my preference is to have him home.. vs out of the house all the time. so it's a deal with the devil I guess.
But.. when you are the one busting your tail.. workign full time.. probably also doing the majority of the "baby" duty.. while he stays firmly entrenched in his own "safe space".. because going out and doing a different job elsewhere could be hard.. and uncomfortable... yeah.. it sucks.. and on top of that.. you are well into things.. stuff isn't "new" and you have fallen into the pace of just living/coexisting.. and unless one of you makes a concerted effort to make a change.. it won't...it will just continue status quo.
I do wonder if he has tendencies that attracted him to IT.. that might make him more socially inept.. worry about fitting in elsewhere..?
I do think a few things should be happening.
1. The financial stability.. home are great!.. but apparently YOU are the one making this happen. You need to discuss this with stuff written down for him in black and white. Honey.. it costs 4,000 a month to pay for us to live.. I am paying 3500.. you are paying 500. You know you could earn more.. but want to be comfortable.. but now your job is going to become an even bigger issues due to child care. It's not fair to me to be the one carrying all the weight.. Please tell me what you think you can do to make this situation better.
2. As for the nightly reading of phones (hands up guilty here.. lol.. ). It might take you proactively planning or arranging activity to develop interests outside of tiktok (or whatever he is looking at.. haha).
I mean.. yeah.. dude nice you are in your little comfy work cave with your buds.. and work doesn't seem so worky for you. But I'm over here holding the world on my shoulders.. and at this point.. the BENEFIT of being in a relationship with you is starting to be a little lost on me.. I could be doing as well.. on my own..
Thank you ESMOD for the
Thank you ESMOD for the insight. IT is actually a career change for DH as of 2020. He went to college for business and ended up working at several car dealerships before COVID shut everything down. He used his unemployment time to earn certifications to pursue IT. DH is extremely social so it isn't an awkward or shy thing. DH likes tech and at his current company, he independently and singlehandedly manages 2,000 mobile devices for the whole agency. The issue is, that he makes peanuts doing it. The company knows they are robbing him - the amount of work he does would never equate to such a low salary. The same job would earn him double or triple if it were a larger company or national corporation, not some small local company. But, DH either likes the work or is too scared to leave due to fear of failure, that the company has him right where they want him.
I told DH we need to sit down and write out a budget. I like your idea of pointing out what each of us is contributing. Maybe that will open his eyes a bit. And if all else fails, maybe separate finances is the way to go.
If you don't already have
If you don't already have separate finances, separate them! And expect DH to contribute half. That will force him to see that he can't afford to keep his comfy current job that pays peanuts.
This!
So much easier to ignore when someone else is cushing the bank account and taking care of bills, etc.
I am probably not that person to respond here but here we go
Your description sounds like what DH and I were for YEARS....I was doing everything, DH was checked out with work and other stuff because he couldn't deal with the chaos he brought to our lives. I became controling because everything was on my shoulders, financial, day to day stuff, kids, you name it..I was doing it. I was even supporting our whole family as DH's salary was going to court cases, alimony, child support and his old marital debt. I ended up exhausted, angry, depressed and anxious. I didn't wany any sort of physical intimacy with DH..because by the end of the day..I WAS FLAT OUT EXHAUSTED, mentally and physcially. I did the best I could but man I was doing everything by myself on very little sleep. DH wanted to just say "Tell me what to do and I will do it"..but then resented being told what to do. I resented having to tell gown @ss man to do everything. I felt like I had another child to take care of. Let me tell ya..no one wants to be intimate with someone that acts like a child. DH wanted to live in his own little world. DH now realizes and verbalizes..that the problem with us WAS ALL HIM. He created the messed up dynamic in our marriage and caused me a tremendous amount of pain.
And just becuase your DH works with all men..don't for one second think he can't cheat. Poster Girl here for that...online shiznit is very reall let me tell and just as traumatizing. Just be aware..I never in a million years thought DH would cheat on me either..but here I am in that very uncomfortable boat.
Now, since DH has been working very very hard on himself and had to take a very long look in the mirror, he realizes that he dropped the ball. He now steps up to help without being told to....consequently, I'm not resentful, tired or angry. The bonus of that is no more roomates. Why...because I'm not exhausted and overwhelmed all the time. Our marraige is better now but it will always have a cloud over it a bit due to DH's actions.
I guess what I'm saying....nip this whole thing in the bud now....or it will fester and then all kinds of stupid shiznit happens.
Has DH asked for a raise? Could he at least try that?
Has DH asked for a raise? Could he at least try that? Could the company replace him for what they are paying him? It sounds like he doesn't want to make any waves at work - but it would be the least he could do for you. If he was making more money, you could solve the Mom issue - and that might go a long way towards changing your state of mind.
DH was due for a promotion
DH was due for a promotion last summer, which would come with a raise, but the promotion they wanted to give him would have bumped him up two positions and there was another coworker who would have only been bumped up once, so to prevent "office politics" they delayed the promotion... until now. DH has been asking every few weeks for a status update and the boss keeps saying another month or two, yet DH is already doing all the work of that role and has been for months. When I freaked out on him last week, he went to his boss and demanded his raise which they are now working to get him but they told him it will basically equal what he currently makes since he works so much overtime currently and the promotion is salary. It doesn't sound like much of a promotion to me. DH is actively looking for another job after our chat.
Would he be able to stop
Would he be able to stop working the overtime?
He would, but if the money is
He would, but if the money is the same, it doesn't help us financially.
BUT... having more time at
BUT... having more time at home, being able to contribute more to the household mental and physical load. Which could help take burdens from you which would in turn probably increase your chances of wanting to connect with him.
BUT it doesn't resolve the
BUT it doesn't resolve the other issue which is my toxic Mom having to assist with childcare during the day due to our financial situation preventing full time daycare, which is also causing the resentment toward DH. DH would still have to work 8 to 4, he just wouldn't be working 7:30 to 6, but it doesn't change our childcare needs.
Having a daycare provider for
Having a daycare provider for my kids whom i trusted was one thing that saved my sanity when they were young. It was a small, in-home, unlicensed daycare but the lady was someone older who had an established reputation in the community. This made it more affordable than the bigger ones. She was also in the kids' school district so when they were school-aged, they could get on and off the bus there for before and aftercare. One thing you may do is go to your local elementary school and ask the office workers if they know of any such places in your area. If there is a waiting list, you could sign up. I was a single parent for years, and custody exchanges were done there as well. Me or my ex would just pick them up from daycare on our nights. I had to pay whether they went or not and sometimes i wouldn't take them if i didn't need it but it was worth having to cut costs elsewhere. Not depending on someone to watch your kids for free is, well, freeing. Custody exchanges were also stress-free, but hopefully that won't become an issue for you. Your husband could probably also cut a few costs (lunches at work maybe?) to offset this.
So, is there any possibility
So, is there any possibility of HIM working remotely also.. at least a few days a week..
From what I see.. you are working fully remote.. if he could be at home at the same time.. maybe you could both juggle your workload through the day to do both your jobs.. plus be able to care for baby without your mom's help? at least on days he could be at home.
I get you are both working.. but if you still got your work done.. if it meant working longer hours to make up for the time during the day you are doing baby duty.. maybe it would work?
Or.. maybe you find a PT daycare that you pay for.. and he makes cuts in his budget somehow to pay for it.. or you share it.. (you get benefit of getting mom out).?
otherwise.. we all know that the reality is he can earn more elsewhere.. and that would pay for other child care.. and make your life better.