Phone wars
Hello all, I could use some advice.
Background: our 13 year old daughter wanted a phone, we didn't think she should have one yet (I know this opinion is rather rare these days, but we live in France and things are a bit different here). The point is, it's something I feel really strongly about. BM forced DH into mediation about it where they agreed they would wait until June 2023 and make a decision together. We were planning to allow the phone this summer, with a lot of restrictions/oversight.
Flashforward to last Friday, where we get a call from my SD on her new phone. No word from BM, no explanation, nothing. SD had to explain it to us, and meanwhile she was SUPER stressed and worried that this would cause huge problems. She's been crying and torn apart about it since it happened last week. We told BM to make sure the phone stays at her house this week, so it's still there (we have shared custody 50/50, alternating week schedules).
I am livid, but my DH is weirdly calm about the whole thing (after being insanely angry before and never backing down on his decision to wait for the phone) My feeling is, we weren't ready to let her have a phone here, so we still don't allow the phone to come in our doorway until June, when the semi-legal agreement we made with BM comes into effect. Now DH is saying, maybe we should let her have it and ask BM to give us the power over the parental controls so at least we can try to control what is surely 100% free-bar screen time at her house. I don't think BM would ever let that happen, but she is full of crazy surprises.
What to do? Am I being unreasonable? I'm so mad that she broke our agreement and did all this, as she does many things (see last posts, lol), in secret and with the kids as co-conspirators. No matter what, she's now won the favor of SD by giving her a phone, and we are the bad guys. I'm so tired of being forced into decisions by this woman. She's done it with everything and it makes me sick. Obviously there is a LOT of anger there, but where do we go from here?
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I think the actual issue of
I think the actual issue of the phone is less important (you were going to let her have one in June anyway) than that there seems to be a power struggle going on between BM and the two of you. Your SD will also be getting the message that you can be messed about with - which isn't ideal. If BM forced your DH into mediation over a phone, which seems a bit ridiculous - then I can't imagine that it will be that easy to come to a better understanding with her. About the phone issue - I'd be inclined to do what your DH suggests on this occasion. I'm sure BM would be delighted if she knew she'd succeeded in making you really angry.
You realize this power
You realize this power struggle isn't hurting BM but is hurting your SD, right? She spent a WEEK stressed out about this because of how her father and you, her SM, would react? There is a massive problem in how you all are handling things if SD is suffering like this, and court isn't going to fix it.
Bluntly, what you want doesn't matter. It seems your DH cares less than you do, and you caring so much likely partially drives BM to fight on this.
SD isn't your daughter. The decision about the phone is between DH and BM. If DH is comfortable with the phone coming over, then so be it. He is 100% responsible for what she does on it, how long she is on it, etc while in his care.
Additionally, you can't and shouldn't try to force BM to do things how you want on her time. If she wants SD to have a cell phone, then as a parent, she has a right to that. Your DH has the right to keep SD from bringing and using the phone. Going to court about this is probably going to be a waste of time and money, especially now that SD has the phone.
You need to back off and let DH and BM figure out how to parent their daughter. You can be upset that she backed out of y'alls agreement, but your SD is the one feeling punished for this. That is wholly unfair to make her the victim of a p*ssing contest between her parents (and that's what this is because you're less than 6 months from the time SD was going to be allowed a phone).
I agree with every bit of
I agree with every bit of this.
Aside from the phone issue, you say that BM has forced you and DH into many decisions. Do you guys have a court order (or the equivalent for France)? If so, do any of BM's actions violate that order? If not, you don't have a leg to stand on. In that case, BM will do what BM will do during her time, and you guys can do what you wish during your time. The courts (at least the US ones) won't tell a parent what to do on their time, nor do they generally give the other parent that authority. Now if BM is violating the order, then the best you could do is file contempt.
This is not the hill to die
This is not the hill to die on. You are being unreasonable here.
13 and a cell phone is beyond normal. This was a power trip on your part. The parents are ok with it, so you need to trust your husband's judgment.
Rules for using it, time limits and watchdog apps are all acceptable. Keeping her safe is a priority but being mad that she got her phone 5 months early when most kids have had them for 3+ years at this point is only hurting your SD.
Ultimately, this is up to
Ultimately, this is up to your DH. You can still have your opinion about teens and phones, but it's not going to change anything and you shouldn't be offended if it doesn't go your way.
Personally, I 100% disagree with DH about SD12 phone usage. From the apps she is on, down to the amount of screen time. But she's NOT my daughter, so I don't get to decide. I offer DH my opinion IF he asks, but that is as far as it ever goes. My suggestion is to disengage and let DH handle it. The outcome of SD is not your responsibility.
Totally agree with everyone
Totally agree with everyone else. Let DH handle the parenting on this phone issue and him monitor the screen time. 13 is definitely old enough to have a phone and don't give BM the satisfaction of how upset you are over it. If your DH is calm then try and find a way to make yourself disengage from it. It's not a battle to deal with. SD8 has my old iphone without the sim and uses our wifi to text BM. I said to DH if he isn't home to monitor her on it, then it stays off on the charging station where SS iPad is too. As soon as DH is home SD asks him and he deals with the parenting of it. It just makes my life easier and I'm sure if you disengaged from this it will definitely leave less stress for you too.
The steps use phones to
The steps use phones to record and take pictures of your home, be VERY careful
I have caught the steps recording me and my husband multiple times and my husband has caught them taking pictures of signage i put in asking to clean up after themselves in the toilet and they sent it to BM....
Every time a step comes to my house, I have to have an irreproachable home and be on my best behavior unless recordings and pictures might be taken to document for BMs
What a sad life lol
I would recommend not allowing phones in your home but thats really not something you can control since the phone was purchased by BM. I wish i could ban all devices with recorders and cameras from my home but impossible!
Oooof ok, thank you everyone!
Oooof ok, thank you everyone! I was actually in need of some feedback here, so I appreciate it, even if some of it is hard to swallow. DH definitely is NOT ok with the phone at our house at all, I think he's just tired of fighting, thus calm. I definitely can step (hahahaha) aside on this issue. Thanks all for taking the time to respond!!!
The cat is out of the bag at this point.
Meh.
Not worth the drama to fight about.
IMHO of course.
The adults in each household
The adults in each household have the authority over what happens in that household. Even though you are not her parent, if you catch her being inappropriate with her phone, you and/or DH have the authority to confiscate it for the duration of her stay. You/DH also have the authority to limit her access.
And IMO, people are way too complacent about kids and electronics. Social media is addictive and a cesspool of narcissism, if my kids were minors today, I would limit their access to that stuff.