Hello
Hello everyone! I am new to this group and am posting for the first time.
I live with my SO, my two sons, and his daughter and son. I am new to blended families as I do not have any in my family tree and just really have no experience with it.
My SO's children were taken from their mother because of her battle with addiction so they have their own struggles because of that. She is in their life now but she is very unstable and I've had to cut all ties with her for the sake of my own children and myself.
The two step children seem to be accustomed to alot of coddling and have little respect for others. My own two boys struggle with their relationship with their father as he's never really been there for them and often chooses the party life or his new family over them.
My boys are generally respectful and helpful kids.
The dynamics of the situation feel like they are straining my relationship with my SO. He acknowledges that my children are more respectful and have more drive but does little in the way of changing his approach with his kids. They completely disregard any rules or boundaries of mine. I'm just a grocery getter and a taxi.
If any of you have any positive thoughts or tips I'd live to hear them.
Thank you for reading ❤️
- SB3636's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How old are all of the
How old are all of the children?
Winterglow
My oldest turned 17 yesterday and my youngest is 14. The birthday plans actually were destroyed by SO's oldest daughter (15). His son is 9.
Questions and more questions
Do you have house rules that you and your DH have come up with? The kind of things that should apply to everyone? What does your DH do when one of his kids does not comply with a house rule? Does he ignore the situation entirely, does he "talk" to them about it, does he punish them? Why are they allowed to do as they please?
Maybe it's time you stopped doing anything for your DH's kids and let him take over. No more taxi driver, maid, laundress, or short order cook. I would also ask your DH why he doesn't love his children enough to actually parent them... His job is to help them become decent human beings and that doesn't happen by letting them run feral.
What were the birthday plans and how did your SD destroy them.
Greetings!
I dont have any bios, but have PLENTY of experience as regards failed parenting and lazy parenting and lack of parenting.
Give details as you would like. Read around on here - there is also a forum for blended families with specifics that are what you described. Unequal treatment between children. It will get worse it will not get better over time unless things change with your partner. The kids wont suddenly decide to change on their own.
Thank you, I agree. It is not
Thank you, I agree. It is not working as it is.
Winterglow
There are house rules but for the most part they aren't followed by his children. I have given him all the dates of upcoming appointments and let him know they are now his responsibilities. Often when house rules are broken and I bring it to SO, he'll go talk to his kid and come back to me with some excuse as to why the child acted the way that they did.
He has an easier time giving structure to the younger boy but seems fearful of the older girls reaction and her usual reaction of bringing her unstable mother into the ongoings of my home. With that he often just avoids any conflict with the girl.
For my son's birthday, I planned a special day for him. I do that every year for my kids but this one was extra special being it's his last birthday as a child. I purchased tickets for all of us to go see Avatar in 3D, which wasn't super cheap. I also made dinner reservations for all of us at my son's favorite hibachi/sushi restaurant.
As I was warming up my car (which I purchased so we could all go places without taking two vehicles), the girl all of a sudden threw a fit that she wanted to take two cars because she gets car sick. This is untrue because she has asked to ride in the way back many times. She also rode in the way back on a 30 hour there and back road trip we took last year. No antinausea meds and by her own request. This was simply a manipulation tactic to get what she wanted on a day that was all about someone else.
The fit caused an argument and my son got really upset. No one wanted to go anymore and I couldn't get a refund on the movie tickets. So I was out $150 on top of the $34k I spent in a vehicle we could all ride in.
I am at the point where these kids can keep their mother out of anything that happens in my home. He can also take full responsibility for his own kids and I mine.
The problem is, this chaos is unhealthy. I want to be able to maintain my relationship with my kids and my SO but I don't know how to do that if he has such a hard time giving structure and boundaries to his children in our blended family.
I'm pretty new here and don't know some of the acronyms used in place of blended family roles.
Oh yes! One of the first
Oh yes! One of the first disengagement things I did was stop planning and purchasing things for outings. After several losses of $ and time for local events that the SDs (8 & 10!) decided they didn't want to go to on the day of, because they were too busy playing or doing stuff on their own, and DH supporting their decision (at 8 & 10!!) I stopped. DH never picked up on it to this day. As they got older if he wanted to plan a vacation or any time with them HE had to be the one to front the $$ and to do the planning. And if I had to be involved then I set crystal clear boundaries on what I would and wouldn't do so DH understood.
SD16 Power Sulk
Husband and I had one of our extremely rare vacations (because money is very tight) and we traveled to a really nice location about 500 miles south. A beach town. I scheduled an outing while Husband scheduled a fishing trip for himself that we had to race down through traffic for. It was not fun. SDthen15 was her on her phone or ipad texting and not even looking at the ocean view that I had secured. When we all went out together, they walked 10 steps ahead of me. I got pushed off the curb because she pushed her way in between. They cuddled in front of me while waiting for a dinner reservation. NOT FUN when we totally argued and he had the nerve to yell at me. The next vacay was JUST us two. This happened last year, just about when I had had enough of all of them (see my blogs as regards toxic troll and feral forger)
Oddly enough her mother has been to disneyland and hawaii and other trips, without kiddo. They have 50/50.
I now know that I have been locked in the Karpmans Drama Triangle. I no longer plan ANY outings and it has been VERY peaceful. She does go out - with her friends. Thats how it should be.
STOP doing things that get hijacked. Go foward on your plans with your bios. If your DH doesnt want to parent, and enforce boundaries, its not your job to fix that.
Questions:
Questions:
Whose name is on the deed/lease for the place you live?
Did you move in with him, did he move in with you, or did you get a place together?
How long ago did he get custody of his kids?
How long have you and your partner been together?
Who is the higher wage earner?
Do you share bills equitably (not evenly)?
How are the household chores split?
Do you work full time or part time in or out of the home?
What are the bedroom situations? Do any kids share rooms?
Questions
I am first and he is second on the deed. We bought the house together and we have been together for four years but have known eachother more than 20.
He has always had full custody of the girl but the boy was being fostered by his parents up until a year ago when he moved in with us.
The highest wage earner depends on both of our jobs. He is in sales and I have a job as an administrator and as a bartender. We do share the bills but help eachother out financially when needed.
The chores are pretty wonky. I've never had a set schedule with my children other than keeping after themselves and helping out when asked. This has always worked fine for me. But now in a blended household, his children are quite lazy. They do not keep after themselves and only the boy will do chores when he wants money.
I work more than part time but my office job is mostly remote. My night job is worked when he is home.
Everyone here does have their own room as well.