So I have been away from StepTalk for the last two months just due to life being incredibly busy with any free time going to aging parents and preparing for the holidays.  I don't know where to begin, but encourage anyone reading this to go back and read my blogs from October to gain some insight into my relationship with my fiance.  I thought we tried to make it work since then....but we actually didn't try. We changed nothing, and just fell into the same old patterns.

My SO left me on Christmas day to go to his friends' house and stay in his basement again. He did it the weekend before Christmas too.  I don't even recall what prompted that....something very miniscule that could have been resolved with conversation.  But instead he called in sick to work (Fri., Dec 16), and leaves for his friend's (the wekeend before Christmas).  He spent that weekend drunk with his buddy and in front of a television watching sports.  Then he called in sick again that Monday (Dec 19) to apparently sober up and start researching apartments.  He came back to our house on Dec 20 to talk (his request) and had nothing to say.  Meanwhile I had prepared a list of talking points since I know that I will lose my focus when emotions flare so it was a cheatsheet for me, so to speak (no pun intended.)  We didn't get very far that night so decided to resume talk on Dec 22.  Again, very little from him.  He had admitted during that time that he found an apartment and was considering it, but wanted to see how things would go for the next week or so.  I expressed my concern with that as it seemed I would need to be under a microscope and any little thing would send him packing.  He assured me that it was a "plan B." 

He never asked me about having "the girls" over for Christmas, but rather had forwarded an email to me from BM with her asking about the holidays with "the girls."  He didn't approach me about the email so I said nothing since I am not taking conversation starters from his ex.  However, I couldn't take it anymore because I knew it was inevitable so suggested having them over on Christmas Day.  We negotiated on the time of day to have them over, blah, blah, blah.  We wake up that morning and have Christmas with my BD11, and all seemed well.  I was going to jump in the shower and we talked briefly before that and I mistakenly mentioned the apartment because it was really bugging me.  When I got out of the shower, he was packing and would not tell me why he was leaving. My attempts to ascertain why he was packing resulting in harsh words from him.  So he left me on Christmas Day.  

He is still at his friend's house in the basement.  We have talked on the phone 3 or 4 times and have had more actual communication about issues than ever.  However, he is still leaning toward moving into the apartment.  He said he left because he thought it would be awkard for his girls to be there and he was sick of me mentioning his "plan B."  Sigh.

When we talked this week on the phone, all I have heard is him giving me example after example of things I am doing wrong.  He is villainizing me without a doubt.  When we talk, I hear me saying I am willing to work on it as I have done some serious self-reflection (and I have) and realize his adult daughters should be invited to our home more. I have been fearful of having the youngest over (refer to my earlier blogs.)  I did tell him it was hard for me to have entertaining on my mind when dealing with me elderly parents among every thing else, and he could invite his daughters over or suggest a plan just as much as I could. 

It seems it doesn't matter how much I self-reflect, how much I am willing to compromise, how much I advocate for trying, he just negates my points.  He says he is messed up in the head and likely no good for anyone, let alone me.  He is wavering between trying to work things out with us, or choosing the apartment.  I don't know what to say anymore.  If you read my previous blogs, you may think I've lost my marbles for even wanting to try.  However, it does take two to tango (tangle) and I realize some of my parts in this.  I guess I just don't want to walk away from 8 years together and owning a house together without saying we haven't tried.  I was so much stronger two months ago when I originally posted than I am now.

Please offer your insight to me.  This wavering on his part is tearing me up, and I have been physically ill since Christmas day. So much hurt. I can't continue like this, but also do not like the idea of moving forward without saying we haven't tried.  I don't know...honestly struggling to think straight right now.... thoughts?