tried and tired
First timer here and stumbled across this site, hope to engage and chat.
So quick summery, been married for 2 years, been with her for 3. She has a 15y/o daughter and 11 y/o son. The daughters dad is in the picture, unpleasent drunk and the sons dad isn't, homeless crack addict. We also have together a 2 y/o son and almost 1 y/o daughter (yes happened quick)
Things were great at the start between us, I did my best to support her and the kids any way possible (her daughter was seriously violent towards her and her son). We did get on really well.
Over time things declined, once her daughter moved in with us full time (I wanted her to have a better life) my wife changed. Then got a lot worse when she was carrying my daughter. I hate to say it but myself and the two boys in the house get treated a lot differently to her and the two girls, especially her daughter (of which I know is her favourite due to her past guilt and would defend her and her actions to the end of the earth)
My wife is incredibly stubborn, self centred and narcissistic, over this time her true colours have come out. I have no friends, no social life, no one to speak to other than my counsellor and I'm just struggling with the whole situation.. really no one.
I feel that I am only here still as financially makes sense right now (finishing a course and business is rocky but on the up) but more than that I never wanted to have a broken family and in accepting her kids and trying my absolute best for them, then time has brought on true colours as well as my two children I can't imagine the battles I would undergo for them (but I would, they really do mean everything to me).
Anyway don't know what more to say right now, there is so much more. But I'll drop this here and see what happens while I look around at what else is on the site. Hopefully communicate with actual people who also know certain similar pain.
Best of luck to you all who are struggling, I can se we are not alone.
Disconnect
There seems to be a big disconnect between you and your DW. Is it because of SD? Does SD have behavior issues? I'm trying to put my finger on what's wrong.
Is there a page on here where
Is there a page on here where I can learn the terminology? DW is wife?
Yes behavioural issues with SD (guessing step daughter) she hasn't been so physical In a while which is nice, when I said to my wife a while back I can't keep my children around a violent teen, I said it would either have to be she goes (SD) or me and my children, within a heartbeat my wife said well it would have to be me and our children (at the time it was only me and our son). That kinda blew my mind. In the sense that I would understand if it was just me or her daughter but it's not, it was either her daughter or me, my son, our future (now present) daughter and leaving her son without a father again (I have a great relationship with her son and see him as my own). So many other times my wife has also lied for her SD and defended her, also she treats her son very differently to her daughter and when her daughter upsets her or pisses her off the anger gets directed towards her son for the smallest of things that he may have done or not done
Guessing the problems I am facing are the general struggles of being a step parent, along with my wife's true colours coming out as being incredibly stubborn, self -centred and narcissistic. Refuses to acknowledge her faults and work on them, just a down hill slope.
I know I am not without my own issues and try to recognise them and work on them. Far from perfect (definitely have lost all patience and get quite angry now adays, I am working on this).
"General struggles of being a stepparent" - No, worse
I think your case is a little worse than some on here. Your wife is unreasonable and doesn't sound like she's willing to bend. I hope you keep on with the counseling, you have some big decisions ahead. Good luck, Eddie.
Maybe, I don't know. Just
Maybe, I don't know. Just feel my life and soul have been sucked out. But I love my children and would do anything for them as any parent should. Thank you for your time and insight, all good for thought
She chose her daughter
She chose her daughter because she has no where else to go, she know your son would be safe with you, but that shed also get visitation... Me and my husband agreed that our children's needs come first before my husband's needs, I will not feed my husband the last morsel of food in the house and allow my children to go hungry... with that being said, My husbands WANTS will always come before my children's wants. If the kids want to watch dinsey channel, and my husband wants to watch football, football is what we get.
So I could understand where your wife is coming from, her child has OBVIOUS problems, she needs to get them sorted out, but she can't throw her child out, where is she going to go? to the drunkard? absolutely not... so if she has to loose you, so be it... it would be the same for me, but I would DEFINITELY be looking for help for my daughter before it got to that point.
Got news for you.
You already have a broken family. The question now is what can be done to prevent further cracks.
Glad to hear you are in counseling. What does your counselor say? Obviously, your wife does not seem to make good decisions with regards to having children. (No offense to you personally.) She had a baby with a drunk. Then she had a baby with a drug addict. She met you and became pregnant within months. Then had another baby when your first one was just barely walking.
Therein lies a great deal of your problem. You have picked a woman who is NOT mature nor good mother material. The fact she seems to be closer to her teen daughter is a huge clue - they are probably at the same emotional age. Your wife behaves in her personal relationships like a giggling teenager with crushes, and with no consideration for the children she's bringing into the world.
I don't know what to tell you since you have two children with this woman and now have a life-long connection to her. Issues here seem to be more relationship related rather than just stepchildren problems.
nail on the head
You hit it there, pretty much bang on. I am working through a lot of stuff with my counsellor regarding my own inner workings, so working on putting my foot down and my confidence etc.
I've come to this site to better understand the relationship of step parent to step child as it hasn't got any easier, I guess I was very naive about all this initially. Main problem is that SD rules the house and my wife let's it happen, I have no authority and when I have had enough and try and do something about it SD kicks off and to my wife it's all my fault. I don't like how her son is treated very differently and many occasions he has spoke to me about this in tears. Sometimes SD would upset her or iss her off and SS would get the repercussions of this. He has been bullied by her his whole life and I will not stand for that with my children and am trying my best to change this for SS by taking his corner (maybe not the healthiest option to take a side but feels he needs it and we have an amazing relationship as I see him as my own son)
As for my wife and our problems that's another issue I may not be able to work out here due to it being about step parenting but may drop bits here and there if appropriate in my very confused stressed out state of mind.
Thanks for your insight, it's all worth thought