NEW TO THE FORUM-HERE'S MY STORY
I'll preface my story by telling you my ss's bf was never in the picture. My dw was always a single mom.
I didn't come on the scene until my ss was about seven y/o. Until I arrived, my dw raised the boy with help from her mother. Because my dw had to juggle work, the boy and her mom's failing health, it became quite the juggling act, as you can imagine.
And because she was so busy with everything, a lot of the time it was easier for her to give in to the child's wants rather than putting up boundaries. I really don't think this is much different than many single parents raising of their own children.
Enter yours truly. I date my dw for some time before I meet her son. I take a keen interest in him and actively involve myself in his welfare and upbringing. I'll tell you, those were fun times. I'd give his mother a well-deserved break from parenting occasionally, and have the boy over to my house for swimming, sleepovers or going down to the mall to check out the latest toys. As time went by, I even began to share my love of rock music with him, going so far as to take him to concerts like AC/DC, Judas Priest and KISS. There's nothing quite like a 10 year-old boy throwing up the devil's horns at a rock show! As my dw's mother's health declined, things like this were of a huge help to her. Her mother passed away in 2005, and it's been the three of us ever since.
As the years went by, my ss has become very detached from me. He is quick to engage his mother, though. If my dw and I are both in the room together, the boy will talk directly to mom as if I'm not even there. Many times there will be complete silence in the room, and as soon as I leave, he will start chatting it up with mom. Literally the only exchange we have during the course of a day, is a curt "hello". If I try to engage him with polite conversation, he gets increasingly annoyed almost to the point of anger. He's 20 y/o now, in university and an incredibly intellingent young man. He doesn't get into trouble and seems very responsible. Things could be a lot worse, and I'm glad they're not.
Unless I've done something greivously wrong, which I don't think I have, I really can't account for his behaviour. My dw and I have provided a loving home for him, put food on the table and clothed him.
To be excluded from the family by him really hurts.
Any feedback? Thoughts? Similar stories?
What does dw do while this
What does dw do while this kid ices you out?
SD16 has been icing me out for 2 years but DH has gotten better and better at coming over and standing by my side or asking my opinion on something she just said or directing her to show me the video she is trying to show to him alone. It is faaaaaar from perfect but he is trying and getting better. The fact is the more he does this, the less she tries to get away with. (I and others have been telling him for that years but...deep breath...) The fact is the bio parent has to set the rules in the house that "we don't treat people with unkindness in this house."
Tell your wife you wish you had spoken up earlier but here you are now to tell her how much this bothers you and can the two of you work on it together to get things better? Let her know you are hurt. Right now she may very well have no idea cuz her boy just sparkles doncha know unless someone forces her to look more closely.
Or ship him off. Sally's kid's school must have an opening by now...
My story is pretty similar.
My story is pretty similar. It's long and I won't go into it all here, but just say that my ss was also 7 when I met his mother, and we used to have a good relationship. We shared a lot of good times also, but it started to change when he got to be about 13. He was eventually sent to a "boys home" of sorts - a place for troubled youth to go to school and live. He was there his freshman and sophomore years, and moved back in with us the summer before his junior year. Things were somewhat better for a time, but we have nothing in common anymore and don't really have a relationship. He's abrasive, opinionated, lazy, and his views are 180 degrees from mine. I will be glad when he moves out.
His bf also was not really a part of his life much - he was out of the picture 10 years ago and has nothing to do with him.
I've often wondered what happened, and my theory is that his older sister (my sd, 20 now, she was 10 when I met her mom) was a bad influence on him. She was also very hard to deal with for her teenage years and much of her disrespect and views about life rubbed off on him.
But hey, who knows? It could be that he was resentful of his bf being out of the picture and has issues because of it. It could be a combination of dozens of factors.
In your case, is there anything that you can think of that caused things to change? A turning point, if you will?
He is 20yo. Tolerate no more
He is 20yo. Tolerate no more rude and toxic BS. Inform him that if there is a single incidence of rude or toxic behavior he launches immediately with zero support from the family coffers. Mom can get on board ... of GTFO with her toxic spawn.
My tolerance for this crap and understanding of anyone tolerating it is coming to an end. Confront toxic behavior each and every time. Raise the consequences for this behavior each and every time until the toxic crap ends of the toxic people and those that tolerate them move on.
When my SD's started to bond
When my SD's started to bond with me, their biomom didn't like it and went in hardcore on the shi% talking about me and my DH. We felt the difference in their attitudes immediately and asked them what happened? What's wrong? They refused to say, but the silence was deafening. We figured it out after a while and some slip ups by the youngest SD. It hurt me so much, that when it continued I had to detach from them quite a bit. I still feel sad when i think about it. What their mom/grandparents did to those girls was unforgiveable. The damage is still evident in our family. You said her ex wasn't present in the situation, but what about other family members? Is there anyone who could be filling his head with false narratives about you? Its admirable that you took SS under your wing. Not all men would have done that. Unfortunately you have very little power as a stepparent, no matter how good your intentions are. Maybe just detach from him or send a letter explaining your feelings, and leave it up to him to restart the relationship. Sorry I don't have a happier answer. I've been through this, and I am still here for the kids, but I fear that when they are older, they will revert to thinking of me as an outsider, because that is what their mom's family told them for so many years.