SS(7) says he doesn’t like me only after visiting with bio mom
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Hi im having a issue with my SS he has been acting out at school being disrespectful to his father. I do a lot for both my Skids as well as my bio who is 1. I tell them that I will always treat them like my children and that I will praise them for good but I will also have to get on to them if I need to for the bad. I usually deal with my SS school and anything that goes on with that. He's been getting in trouble so I've been taking his computer and other electronics when he gets home. He told me today that he does not like me anymore. I'm not sure what to do. His mom does nothing for him and much less only gives him a false sense of security when he's with her. What do I need to do ? How can I sort this out?
Let dad handle it
I'd step way back and have dad handle all these issues, that's who should be doing it. SKs get to dislike their step-parents but DH should make sure he still shows you respect.
SKs also often have loyalty binds where they feel disloyal to their BM if they secretly like the SM.
Why do you care what he thinks of you?
Respond with "I do not like how you behave and until you start behving well, you will suffer. Your choice. So, are you going to behave well, or are you choosing to misbehave and to be punished? "
If he vents about his fee fees towards you, send him to his room to stand in the corner until he can be respectful. Disrespectful children do not get rewarded, praised, nor are they tolerated.
Scrape the ill berhaved shit off of your foot and focus on the ones who behave appropriately.
He always says he doesn't
He always says he doesn't care. It's a losing battle sometimes I feel like. Other times I feel like I'm ready for war. I think he does know how much I do for him and like someone else pointed out he may really deep down love me . His bio mom brings out that he is not my bio and I can never love him like she can. She not that healthy mentally.
So stop doing for him.
Keep it simple.
It may also help to point out to him that his mother is mentally ill and he needs to choose to be miserable like her, or to figure out how to be decent to people. Since his he not mentally ill, his behavior is purely a choice. As such, those choices should come with never ending escalation of abject misery.
i wouldnt worry too much
i wouldnt worry too much about him not liking you,,,you will certainly hear more of that when he gets into his teens. Tell him you dont like him either when he behaves that way , then tell DH to deal with his sons bad behaviour
Ideally, you need to step
Ideally, you need to step back a bit... while you may be really trying to treat the kids all the same.. they aren't. He isn't your son.. likely mom reminds him of that.. so your correction without the bio connection is more resentment inducing.
But, I will say.. all kids will chafe at boundaries.. your own bio is likely to pop off with a "I hate you at some point"..
You may have to come up with your own version of "I am not here to be liked... I'm here trying to help you be the best person you can be.. and that means that sometimes I will need to tell you things you don't like to hear.. but it's for your own good"
I honestly say the last part
I honestly say the last part a lot . I tell them they can hate me all they want but in the end I'm here To show you how to be a good decent respectful human .
You're doing it right
You're not really parenting right until at least once (or a dozen) times in their lives they genuinely hate you. And the next day (or month or year) they genuinely appreciate all that you did for them. And that's with bios! All kids need boundaries. But if it's a loyalty war, it might be easier to let DH set them for a bit, and you go back to being the good guy
Disengage
Let your genus BF. Handle his DS. SS it totally taken care of by his father not you
Thank you
Thank you all for your wisdom and advise . I think it would be best, as said on the thread, for me to take a step back and focus on my own child. I guess I can only do so much for children that had their first years of life legit screwed up by bio.
7 year olds will say they don
7 year olds will say they don't like you if you're dishing out consequences, even if you're the bio parent. That's what they do.
A trap that us step parents can fall into is as we're doing for our skids, is the want for our effort to be recognized, appreciated and loved because we've been so giving. However this can't be how we engage. If we choose to parent a step child, we have to set our expectations reasonably, which can't include receiving any acknowledgement, accolades, or even love. If you choose to do it, you should do it for the sole reason that you're giving the kid(s) a chance at having a decent upbringing so they can be a happy and productive member of society. I wouldn't expect a thing.
I can tell you as a counselor, however, that a kid saying to you "I don't like you" is actually a sign that they feel emotionally safe with you. Safe enough to express something he knows you won't like hearing. If a child really feared or hated someone, they most likely wouldn't say that to the adult. You probably already know this but if you're parenting and giving consequences, make sure they are receiving more positive feedback than negative. I also am of the camp of punishing actions rather than emotions. If you tell him "look you need to do your homework, end of story" and he says "I hate you" AS he's pulling his chair up to start his homework, I would reward his actions of listening to you. "I know you're mad at me right now but I'm proud of you for listening and doing your homework. You're a really great kid." This goes such a long way.
Step parenting is totally thankless but we see you and you're crushing it.
Thank you !!
I needed to read this! I do feel non acknowledge and I do so much for both of them. Deep down I love them so much I just know they didn't come from good beginnings and the hate they give for someone who does the most and goes out of their way for them is horrendous most times. I guess I might still be finding my boundaries with them. And now I've been doing the ask your dad. But they still get mad cause I didn't say yes and let them do whatever. Been trying that more and it's nice to have them mad at him instead of me. Well they are mad at me first then mad at him haha.