Not every battle is worth winning DH...
As I explained in therapy to DH..I have spent the last 15 years of marriage with a third person in our marriage..BEAVER. I was done with that. I neutered the Village Idiot (my ex) early at year 1 of my marriage to DH. I went scortched earth on the VI..went for full custody, etc. When the VI asked for a psyc eval...I said bring it and it ended with him being diagnosed as a narcissist and he was advised to give me what ever the eff I wanted as I was being resonable. Over the years I sacrificed monetary battles with him as I could swing things on my own and I didn't want to invite the VI into my life with DH. Money was just money and I could make more..having peace in my life and for my kids was priceless.
DH on the other had...he still will pick every flipping battle with Beaver. The latest....Beaver has decided on swithover Friday she will not drop off SD to our house. Now techically SD is Beavers till 8 a.m. on that Friday and thus it is her responsibility to get SD to school, which is a mile from our house. DH is/was hell bent on making Beaver drop of SD, instead of him going to pick up SD across town at the Beaver Den.
Now..DH doesn't start work till about 10 due to the fact he is remote and his co-workers are on the other side of the world or on the other side of the country. So picking up SD every other Friday isn't really an inconvienence other that having to drive to get her at the wee hours of the morning.
He kept going on and on about Beaver bringing SD. He was just going to not get SD and then Beaver would have to bring her. He was going to send a text to Beaver telling her he wasn't going to pick up SD. Could I send an email for him to Beaver? (the answer HELL NO). I finally had enough of this nonsense and told him.
YOU HAVE 18 MONTHS DH. THAT AT MOST IS 36 TIMES YOU HAVE TO PICK UP SD. IT WILL MOST LIKELY BE LESS...IS THIS REALLY A BATTLE WORTH FIGHTING? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GAIN? I JUST TOLD YOU NOT MORE THAN A FEW MONTHS AGO I WAS TIRED OF HAVING BEAVER IN OUR MARRIAGE. YOU CAN WAGE THIS BATTLE...AND YOU WILL PROBABLY WIN BUT I WILL TELL YOU , YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT SURVIVE. YOU WILL WIN THAT BATTLE....BUT YOU LOSE ME AND YOUR MARRIAGE. ITS YOUR CALL DH......
Suddenly winning a battle against Beaver didn't seem so important. Our counselor also advised him to think carefully as this would impact our marriage and reconcillation. Did he really need to "win"? and what exactly was he "winning"
DH decided that spending that 45 minutes getting SD was probably a worthy sacrifice in order to keep the peace and remain married.
Sometimes I swear
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Comments
Is it really about winning
Is it really about winning thought or is it more that DH is inconvenienced and doesn’t want to take the time? Now he has to rely on himself to parent SD and he can’t tune it out and make you responsible. You took that away from him, so it seems appropriate he would look for the next person in line that he can dump the responsibility off on. He won’t get very far with Beaver, so be prepared when he starts doing it with SD. He kind of already is since he’s pretty much letting her make decisions and then backs them all under the guise that he’s “okay” with those choices.
I agree with this
I agree with this interpretation. Think the conflict with beaver and the conflict with halo have been spilling back and fourth over the years. Her husband is trying to make her happy but is frustrated and taking it out on beaver and picking a silly but winnable fight.
I totally agree that he thinks this is all women's work and if halo won't pick up then it's beavers duty because go forbit he have to do anything on a Friday morning before 10am EOW. I mean come on.
People who have to win just to win are so tedious.
I think its a bit of both
1. He doesn't want to drive across town in the morning and deal with traffic. I get that but...hey I did it for like 12 years with my two kids so he can suck it up. Again its only every other friday...I drove my two every day ..to and from school every other week.
2. It is some of the ...I don't want Beaver to win sort of thing. Like she is winning by not having to drive one day. Its like he thinks she is getting something over on him for that one day. I think Beaver does it to get a rise out of DH...and he rises to the occasion.
Next therapy session is bring
Next therapy session I'd bring up his inability to let go of BM. This "winning" mindset keeps him attached to BM. If he was over her and their relationship, there would be indifference. Halo, do you feel firmly attached to him , or does all of this cause you feel like the relationship is built on a fragile base? He's put you thru the wringer lately and this story highlights for me, that he isn't 100% available to you.
Oh we have counseling this week
and I will be bringing this up. My ex..eeh I could careless about him. Other than helping my kids deal with his shiznit...I don't really think about him.
I think the base of our relationship is getting better and is more firm. However, I do feel like DH's forgets at times...still isn't all about him. I do feel like I am finding my voice in this relationship more and I speaking up when I feel like I'm being put on the back burner from some bullshit.