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Built Up Resentment

Thestep's picture

Submitted by Thestep on Thu, 08/25/2022 - 6:12am

Hi - I'm a working mom of 2 teenaged sons and am remarried and have 2 SS (ages 28 & 24). DH and I got married at the end of 2019 and have been together for 7 yrs. Here's a quick timeline 

  • 2015 started dating now DH
  • 2016 DH moved into my house and we got engaged. 
  • 2017 sold house bought new house (both houses deeded to me)
  • 2016-2018 relationships with both SS are good. 
  • 2017 BM texts and calls DH for no reason until we get into an argument and I telll DH to set boundaries. She likes to text on date nights when my 2 sons are at their dad's. SS goes back to college and BM pays to furnish his apt. BM texts DH telling him that we should have paid for some of those items because we make $$$. My salary was included in that figure and at the time I made 5x what my now DH made. He did not tell her my earnings are not open to her until I pushed. He finally said something 2 months later. Late? I think so! 
  • 2019 wedding is planned. I am paying for most of it because I make more $. I also pay the mortgage and the utilities. DH contributes what he can - 75% of his salary. I don't want oldest SS's SO at the wedding and DH let him know she was not invited. SS was mad and guilting DH. I spoke to SS and let him know she's not invited - she is a horrible person who doesn't support a relationship between SS and his daughter from 1st wife (he is 25 yrs old at this time and has not paid child support because his SO doesn't want him to spend $ in her - WTF?!?!) DH backtracks on me and says that I need to invite her to the wedding. I do and she wreaks havoc complaining that I'm ignoring her. SS vapes in the house when he's told not to and is rude to my 2 sons who live with me. SS's SO has a tantrum and walks out of the reception and demands to go hom (home is TX) and she texts SS's BM to cry and whine about what a bitch I am. Wedding was so busy that I didn't have time to spend with my parents who came from across the country. DH says nothing about SS and his SO's rude and disrespectful behavior. 
  • 2020 DH still hasn't said anything to SS about his and his SO's behavior - it's 4 months after our wedding. DH finally says something to SS 5 months later and SS is outraged saying that their behavior was my fault. I finally have had enough and talked to SS myself. BM later calls DH and says that I made SS cry. SS later has mental issues and BM blames me for his issues. Not my issue - BM's family has a history of alcoholism, suicide, and v bad mental illness. BM also abandoned both SS when they were children and SS has abandonment issues. 
  • 2022 Feeling like the evil step mom even though oldest SS is 28. Can't talk to DH about how I feel but feelings of resentment are building. If my sons are disrespectful to my DH, it is handled right away. Any issues with my sons, I handle and try to keep DH out of it because I feel like they're my responsibility. He is a good SD. BM no longer texts - boundaries set in 2021 but the bitch, complaining, and blaming from her to me on social media continued until I blocked her. 

There is much more to the story but I have never had this much drama in my life. My 3 year divorce, complete with 2 year custody battle for my sons has less drama. Venting but I feel so resentful  

 

Comments

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Thu, 08/25/2022 - 9:28am

Your home. Cut off all the money.  Let DH handle his kids outside the home.  It's called disengaging.  
Make sure DH puts X amount of money into a bank account each payday. Like 90 something % of his pay check.  That leaves him  some money to take SK out to a cheap lunch. $100 a month. 
 

Then it's SK who ?

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Thu, 08/25/2022 - 9:41am

Disengagement is your friend. You don't need to have a relationship with SSs or with BM.

Stop giving them your time, energy, and resources. DH can have a relationship with his sons on his own, but he does the work of the relationship. You no longer want to hear about them or BM. It takes some time and energy to work through disengagement, but it's worth it.

My situation isn't nearly as bad as yours, but I had to disengage as well. It is clear my DH's kids don't want a relationship with me. They are adults so don't have to, as long as they are polite when we are together. And they generally are. So my time, money, and interest in their lives is gone. There is still a shadow of resentment and issues bubble up now and then, but over all I have peace.

You can't control SSs, certainly not BM, and not really DH either. So you protect yourself.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Thu, 08/25/2022 - 10:19am

The good news is the kids are out on their own and really there is absolutely no reason for BM to be communicating with you OR your DH.  His kids are adults they can speak to him if they need to, BM is no longer their mouthpiece and your DH needs to figure that out.

Disengage from his kids, it’s for him to have a relationship with them.  You are DH’s wife and do not have to act in a SM role in any capacity.  I do see several red flags here but I think that’s for you to look at and deal with, with your DH.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 08/25/2022 - 10:43am

It will help clear away the resentment. There is absolutely no reason BM needs to be contacting and in there. SS needs therapy. And you hopefully have DH on your same page with things. SS's partner sounds horrible.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 08/25/2022 - 11:45am

One thing I have learned not being the 1st wife and not being young and still "growing up together" is that I can't change my husband, I can only change my behaviors. 

So, if this was me, I wouldn't be even expecting him to say anything to his adult kids in the future if they do something to upset me. I would just remove myself from situations where they will be. I would also make it clear that they won't be coming to my home if it gets brought up. I wouldn't start a fight until plans are made, but once they are, I would 100% make sure the SS's won't be in my home. 
If you husband starts to talk about them, nod, "uh-huh" and quickly change the subject. 

Disengagement looks different for everyone, but one thing is for sure, these men (they are not children) don't deserve your energy!