I'm starting to withdraw from the relationship.
I've tried so hard to get through to my partner about how is ex is taking advantage of us both.
She's gave us a list of dates she can't do for work training, she's a warehouse worker and apparently she has training over 4 days soon so we need to take him. My partner is forever cancelling shifts and not earning money to suit her needs. 5 hours he's worked this week because he's had to cancel shifts.
I'm a fulltime worker and I work damn hard the child is at mine this week for 5 whole days again, he's already emptied my fridge and cupboards on day 2 and demanding more and more food, I can't take it anymore I'm not earning to provide for their son! Where do I get some me time also? But everytime I mention this my partner has to argue but he won't argue with his ex!
I've just cleaned the whole place multiple times today (on my days off from work) and he just stamped all crisps into my carpet on purpose after his dad has left for work and told me he's not cleaning it up alone I have to do it with him.
His mother refuses to have him every weekend also but I'm sorry I'm not doing it anymore!
What would he do if you weren
What would he do if you weren't there? Figure it out. How dare he call in , it's his child to support. You are being taken advantage of. Separate financials and force him to pony up his half or 2/3. Plenty of people show up here with the same complaint but the only one who can fix is you. No is a complete sentence. You are being used.
That's how I feel and I've
That's how I feel and I've told him time and time again, he can't get a Monday to Friday job as he's expected to have his son in the week also and he doesn't drive so its hard for him to get from school to work etc on time.
I do feel used I'm now sitting on my bed so bitter with the child shooting next guns at 8pm jumping all over my bed and I'm supposed to find this fun and fulfilling?
So why isn't BM paying child
So why isn't BM paying child support? Either way daddy needs to bringing in money. Since he refuses , you shut your wallet up. You have the power, you have the leverage BECAUSE you are bringing in the money. Time for an ultimatum I'd say. He has no power over you in this situation. If he gets abusive you call the cops on him. This truth doesn't usually set to well with users but until you put an end to it, you are choosing to be used.
Absolutely. This guy is leveraging the OP's income
to support and spoil his X and their spawn.
OP needs to immediately put the full support of their household and family on her deadbeat DH. Deadbeat in the sense that he is extorting/guilting money our of the OP for the benefit of his failed family.
smh
Are you still preparing to
Are you still preparing to leave the relationship?
I think you would be much happier on your own.
I wouldn't enable this man
I wouldn't enable this man anymore. He should be paying 2/3 of the bills. I'm not sure how he could do that if he keeps calling out of work. He won't stay employed for long if he keeps doing that. My inclination would be to separate finances if you currently combine them and insist that he pay 2/3 of all household bills plus buy any special snacks that SS wants. If his kid insists upon deliberately making messes and not cleaning them up in your home, he might have to pay for babysitting outside the home, too. If you do that, you'll find out soon enough whether he's in the relationship because he loves and treasures you or because he needs help with his kid (or maybe some combination). Maybe without you to enable him to pander to his ex he won't be able to do it anymore.
No.
No.
No you will not come into my room and destroy it. No I will not help you clean up your mess, you can wait until Dad's home and demand he help you. No you will not shoot any damn thing at me, I will take it and Dad can find you a paid sitter.
I glanced back a bit and see
I glanced back a bit and see that I've replied to you in the past (I'd thought so). So what has changed between your SS's bullying your neice and now that you're still the unpaid, not appreciated babysitter??
Because I'm too much of a
Because I'm too much of a nice person and because my partner bends over backwards so much for his ex he's not financially stable and will basically have nowhere to live if we split.
So you are being a doormat
So you are being a doormat because you are sorry for him? That's not a reason to put up with all this crap. This is his problem to solve, not yours
He will manage just fine.
He will manage just fine. What do YOU get out of this?
If he's willing to use you
If he's willing to use you and not consider your feelings so he can cater to his c ex and his kids, why should you care if he has nowhere to live? You've expressed your feelings, he knows what's going on, and he made his choices. Not your problem if he made bad choices.
It's time to think of you. A
It's time to think of you. A partner is someone who supports you emotionally and pays his fair share financially. This guy is not a partner. He is using you to provide for both him and his child. It is not your responsibility where they live and how this guy provides for his child when you leave the relationship. He will figure it out. Your responsibility is to plan your exit and do it.
So why sacrifice yourself for his crappy life impacting
decisions. His life is ruined. Not yours.
Take care of you
He sounds like the type that
He sounds like the type that would simply move onto another woman he can use if/ when you split from him. Gather up your self esteem and kick him and his kid to the curb. Let him become someone else's problem.
Thanks for the support and
Thanks for the support and advice guys, I just feel so shitty having to do this. I know he's not doing things right at all I'm struggling for money as it is and the child is still demanding food after having breakfast I've told him bm is also supposed to give us money for food etc it's not only the father's job if they don't stick to the schedule and we have him 5 days per week.
I'm tired if the child's "I want" "shall we get this" attitude pfftt.
There's no reason at all for
There's no reason at all for you to feel bad about this. This whole situation is of his making and he will continue down the same merry road as long as you allow it. This is not going to get any better and you shouldn't have to make up for what the parents lack. He knows you're a softie and is playing on that. So what are you going to do?
☆THIS☆
"This is not going to get any better and you shouldn't have to make up for what the parents lack. He knows you're a softie and is playing on that."
Unfortunately Wintetglow is 100% correct. You don't have a partner you have a needy user who is raising an entitled brat. Sad but true.
You seem like a caring, considerate, empathic soul - I am sorry this is the situation you are in but it is. Therefore, time to make a change & get this parasite & his spawn out of your home. No matter how much he cycles through the pity/charm/rage & tries to blame you for his self-created problems. This situation won't be any prettier when the kid is 7, 10, a teenager, or young adult. And you continuing to play "Rescuer" won't earn you any brownie points - it'll just give the dad a "Persecutor" to blame for trying to set any healthy standards or boundaries. Then, he'll have another perfect Drama Triangle to play off of (like his current "Son is Victim, BM is Persecutor, Dad is Rescuer" trip you have been trying to "help" with), only with YOU as the Persecutor. Trust me, that sucks & it metastasizes into a nightmare you don't want to live the next 5/10/15/20+ years.
Take action. You can do it. We are here to support you.
Keep in mind that if BM is the CP, she owes your DH nothing.
The NCP generally pays CS to the CP. The same every month regardless of where the SKid is physically located. Until the SKid ages out from under the CO.
The SPermClan tried the "pay us while he is with us" crap. Not a fricking penny went in their direction unless they stole it from SS's travel money provided by us. Once they set that precident, we quit sending him with cash travel funds and gave him an instant charge debit card that my DW could put money on and remove money from online in a matter of minutes.
No more of their stealing SS's money. There were several instances where they expected him to pay for gas they already pumped or for restaurant meals they already finished eating and his debit card was declined because we removed any money from it as soon as we confirmed his flight had landed in SpermLand. The parent the Skid is with pays for the care of feeding of the Skid. PERIOD. DOT. When his card was declined, they were stuck until SpermGrandPa showed up to pay for the gas or the restaurant bill.
Regardless of the CS levels involved and which direction if flows in.
The SpermClan would not infrequently refuse visitation because they would cry poor mouth and "could not afford it". They still had to pay their CS obligation for their support of the Skid.
While I do understand that the CP is not held accountable for how they spend CS, until the rules change, the NCP pays CS. Even as the CSP, I would be firmly on team the CP should have to account for how every penny of CS is spent. But, the family law system sees it otherwise.
You are wasting precious time
You are wasting precious time (and money and energy, both physical and mental) on this so-called relationship. He is taking advantage of you and you are letting him.
You are finding out who he really is and he's not going to magically change. Besides the fact that he relies on you for things he, himself, should be providing, he does not respect, nor value,you.
You spent 12 years with a narcissist, do you really want to waste more of your life on this guy? Risk your mental health, again?
Do yourself a favor and end this. I know it's not easy but, again, another 12 years? Fifteen? It will be easier to do it, now. You know that this is not working and that it's not what you want.
Please listen to all this
Please listen to all this great advice. I know for some people it's hard to get tough, but for your own mental health and financial future, get rid of this guy and his feral offspring.
Don't feel guilty - THEY ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
He will survive. YOU don't have to support him in any way. It's NOT your responsibility - none of this shit show is.
Read up on Reedle2021's journey. She did it. Left a narcissistic loser. You could even PM her - she will give you a ton of support. Do it.
His state of homelessness
His state of homelessness really is not your problem. Quit thinking that it is.
You need to care and provide for you and yours. He is neither.
So, your bf has his son week
So, your bf has his son week on week off – I suppose this means he doesn’t pay child support, right?
His ex is responsible for her son’s care while during her time. If she can’t ensure that, then it’s up to her to find a sitter. She does not have the right to just dump the kid on you.
It’s time your bf grew up. He has a problem getting his son to school? OK, either get your driving license or move closer to the school.
He keeps having to take time off to care for his son? Time to stop doing that. It will cost him less to find an afterschool solution than to find a new job. Sooner or later, he’ll exhaust all the local employment possibilities. Time for him to grow up and take action rather than just taking time off that he can’t afford.
Time for you, OP, to stop taking the kid at your place. He is not your problem to solve. This would also solve the problem of him raiding your fridge and trashing your home. Stop allowing him there and do not go to your bf’s place to take care of him.
When your bf argues with you about this, don’t argue back. Just say no.
You work from home, don’t you? That’s why they keep dumping him on you, right? Well, that’s another reason for you to stop taking him – you are working, dammit! Working from home is every bit as hard (if not harder, dure to the distractions) as working in the office. You don’t have the time to watch someone else’s brat for free!
I know you worry about him having nowhere to live if you kick him out but … you’d be doing him a favour. He needs to hit rock-bottom to understand what he has to do and to damn well do it! He’ll survive. He’ll find somewhere to live and, hopefully, he’ll man up. Right now, you are actually enabling him to be dependent on you so stop it!
How can you have any respect for him, how can you feel any desire for him when he behaves like a man-child who kowtows not only to his ex but also his 5 yo son? That’s not a life partner, that’s a millstone …
Time to tell him to leave. There’s no more than you can do for him, and you’ve already done too much. Time for him to stand on his own two feet and find solutions to his problems. Remind him that most single parents manage to work and to take care of their child(ren). Time for him to do likewise. Steel yourself for the tears and the begging – remind yourself that you are actually doing him a favour – and tell him to pack his bags.
If his schedule is this
If his schedule is this unpredictable, he needs to find a drop in day care.
I feel for you. I left a
I feel for you. I left a narcissist nearly 3 months ago and I never looked back. This man is putting you and your relationship behind his kid and his ex. My ex-husb did the same to me - I felt more like a roommate than a wife. He also never worked and his son, when he finally got a job after years of sporadic employment and 16 months of unemployment, barely worked (he would complain about 10-15 hours/week). I was working (I have a very demanding career), providing and I was treated terribly. My needs and our marriage came last. My ex never made any effort to make me happy and in fact, was emotionally abusive. I left and it was the best decision I ever made.
Staying in my marriage and being treated like a second class citizen made me angry and resentful. Those emotions started to erode the very foundation of my sanity. I felt like I was going to snap. If you aren't there yet, you will be.
Happiness is out there. You just have to reach out and take it. I was also worried about what would become of my husband and his adult son after I left - that thought bothered me and kept me from leaving at first. After the abuse escalated and I continued to be treated terribly, I finally came to the realization that their situation is up to them and it is not my concern. I decided to leave and they could sink or swim, but I was not going to spend one more minute worrying about their well-being because they never worried about mine. I walked away and haven't looked back. Best decision I ever made and wished I had done it sooner.
Please think about your situation and what you want for you and what you expect from a relationship. Only you can decide what's best for you. Don't worry about what will happen to your partner and his kid when you leave. It's not your problem. It's his.
Please keep us posted!