‘Nacho Parenting’

I saw this article online and I thought it might be helpful: https://www.today.com/parents/parents/nacho-parenting-blended-families-k...

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"I'll have a plate of

"I'll have a plate of Disengagement Nachos!"

Good article! Disengagement saved my marriage. I now have an excellent relationship with all of my skids, despite BioHo (BM) trying to step-PAS them.

Treat the stepkid as you

Treat the stepkid as you would a friend’s kid.

Allow the bio parent to parent their own kid as they deem fit.

Aggree 100%

Do not engage in negative and unhealthy interactions with the stepkids.

Very hard to do especially if your spouse is a dud when it comes to parenting.

Say nothing about, or to, the stepkids unless it’s sheer praise.

Oh SD/SS that's awesome that you totally trashed my house and burnt my wedding dress on a pyre....ummm no!

Remove the target off your back and no longer be the “bad guy.”

Put it squarely back on your spouse whose not parenting their children.

I can agree with this up to a

I can agree with this up to a point. If you and your spouse don't have shared values and shared expectations (that include skids) there will always be conflict.

This is really pretty good advice. One of the areas where I see many step "mom's (mostly) fall into is that they have a strong need to control their environment.. and that can include the kids of their partners.. or you have a dad that leans towards more gender traditional roles and pushes his parenting onto his new SO.. but like they said.

Correction with out a connection ... isn't well recieved.

But for this to really be possible.. it helps if your partner is actually a semi-effective parent who has similar household rules and expectations for their kids. Because.. if you have lots of fancy antiques.. and he is fine with cartwheels in the living room? obviously a conflict is going to come up.. things broken... and you just can't nacho your way back from your grandmother's vase being shattered.

but.. it seems nacho parenting is really disengagement.. freeing yourself from feeling you have to fill that role and force yourself on a kid who may not need or want a third or fourth parent. and since you aren't in a critical/oppositional role to the kid.. there is less about you that they can "hate".. but of course.. it falls on the bio parent to actually parent.. and certainly there are some extreme situations here that even this wouldn't help.

But if you can't bear to see someone parent in a way that you might not? and we have some on here like that.. then it will involve a lot of tongue biting..

**Say nothing about, or to,

**Say nothing about, or to, the stepkids unless it’s sheer praise.**

Unless your partner is parent of the year and is on the kids right away when they do something wrong, I don't see how this is possible.

My husband works during the day, and skids are either home all day (in summer) or for at least a few hours in his absence (during school year). Am I supposed to let the kids run wild and trash the house while he's not there, because all I can say is "you've done a lovely job of smearing cheese on the cabinets and smashing chips into the rug." Am I supposed to tell him when he gets home from work that his kids are wonderful, and not let him know they were the demons from hell and he needs to discipline them AND make sure their messes are cleaned up? Maybe this approach works when the bio parent is doing a great job, but generally there aren't big problems if that's the case. And what about one's own bios? Are they supposed to watch skids being allowed to get away with murder because the stepparent is only blowing sunshine up their butts, while the bios are held to a different standard?

I think the premise of the article is good, but this bit seems ludicrous.

I think the situation where

I think the situation where the SP is also a SAHP to the combined group of kids.. including Skids will limit the extent to which a SP can actually "nacho". Because obviously, if you are left in sole care of a child.. you have to stop them from doing things that are dangerous and/or destructive. And certainly.. I don't think this means that you can't point out that poor behavior occured on your watch to your partner.. so that they can deal with the consequences for the child.

By being put in the caregiver role.. you have to have some exclusions to your ability to fully nacho.. so while you are watching the kids.. you can tell them to stop doing things.. but I think the nacho parenting would tell you to leave the real consequence stuff for the parent to deal with when they get home.. so you stop the smashing of cheese into the carpet.. but let their dad give them a suitable punishment later.

AND.. this would also mean that when there IS a bio parent present? you let them handle the skid direction and feedback. that's the time you step back and nacho it out..

I think there is a very valid point to these ideas.. that when you aren't the bio parent with the bond and history with the child.. that your attempt to "parent them" can come off as overbearing and something they resent. That to the extent possible.. if you can make your exposure to the child as positive focused as possible.. because each of you parents and disciplines you respective kids.

It doesn't mean that your kids get it harder than his child.. it doesn't mean that you have to praise a "D" in math for your Skids..

It's kind of the "if you don't have anything nice to say.. don't say anything at all" or when thinking about whether you should say something.. Is it True? Is it Necessary/productive Is it kind? Your husband can be lecturing his kid about their poor grades.. you don't need to pile on there.. it's his kid.. let him handle it.. so to speak.

And.. yeah.. your kids and his kid may see differences in your expectations of them.. that's not uncommon.. especially if your DH has different expectations than you.. but I don't think it's meant to be just letting the kids run wild. .

In fact.. I think in nachoing.. they wourl probably advise that you not be the sahp to your skids.. or at least treat it more like you are babysitting your neighbor's kids.

If babysitting a neighbor's kid.. you can direct them to stop doing something dangerous.. but most people wouldn't go so far as to mete out punishments (other than not allowing activity to continue.. or a time out type consequence).

Correct ⬆️

I started following nachokids on Instagram. I think their idea works if the bio parent is also involved with the program and doing their part. If the bio parent doesn't want to get with the program and the step parent still continues, it could lead to divorce. Either way, problem solved??

I think you can still nacho..

I think you can still nacho.. or at least nacho lite even if you don't explicitely have your partner on board with this. In fact... I always joke the first rule of disengagement (aka nachoing) is to not tell anyone you are doing it.. lol.

Simply more "go ask your father's".. and "honey.. you need to deal with missy's messy room".. etc..

I know my situation is rare.

Even then, I have a problem with abdicating that much of a marriage and partrnership. They may be nach-our kids but they are in our home, potentially interfering in our marriage. So, why ignore that and stand off to the side?

I prefer the set and enforce the behavioral and performance standards for kids in the blended home and blended family model. I will not hide in my room, I will not avoid being at my bride's side, and I will not tolerate lippy ill behaved failed family spawn.

Connection or not.

So far... it has worked pretty well. Though the connection has been strong since he was a toddler.

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