Even when confronting toxic with zero tolerance and immediate consequences....
their crap can still cause pain and hurt.
It takes time for the pushback to start to work. It also takes time for those who do push back to grow some armor to the pain caused by the toxic.
Even with strong armor, getting pummeled with toxic crap hurts. The positive thing is that even though their crap may still bruise, it no longer cuts. The if we remain diligent and commited, pushback causes far more pain to them than they can continue to cause to us. It gets better.
Better, is ... well, better.
In my/our case the pain that the SpermClan can still cause to my son, breaks my heart. Though I do take some comfort that they are no longer a frequent or notably active detriment to his life or our family.
Take care everyone.
- Rags's blog
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I refer to this as the messy
I refer to this as the messy middle part of change. It's when our knees may be wobbly, but we just have to stick to our guns as others test us or seek to breech our new boundaries. The end result is absolutely worth it.
Yep
I let myself get really knocked down by StepHell. My desire for people to get along, care for each other and be happy over-rode everything I also knew about boundaries and my mental health. 2018 saw the event that brought me back to my senses enough to completely remove DHs kids from my life. Two years of hell processing the mess and another two years developing strong boundaries, re-gaining clarity and being very vocal about MY needs in this StepHell I live in.
I'd say Im 95% better but there are still times I get "hit" with the hurt and pain of it all. Yesterday was one of those days. I am not allowed to be anything to DHs grandkids. After all, per them, "I'm not their mom." But now, Dh has two of his kids that now have STEP kids. And guess what? He's required to be grandpa. "Double standard? Hypocrite? Bigot?" That's a few of the words that came out when I expressed my pain in the moment.
So, yeah....while the pain lessens and I have much longer pain free stretches of time, the pain is still there. BUT I can process it quickly and the best part, I don't have to deal with DHs kids directly anymore.
CajunMom; that's a blatantly
CajunMom; that's a blatantly rude and insensitive move on their part. Are they all too daft to see the double standard, or are they actually just trying to "stick it to you"? Keep to your boundaries. You are not deserving of the pain that they are trying to inflict. Big Hugs to you for having to endure that slight.
its like popping a pimple or lancing an infected cut
Its gross and infected and yucky. Then its cleaned and cleared and healthy and doesnt hurt after it heals.
A perfect analogy CLove - I
A perfect analogy CLove - I am in the process of healing. I have removed any of the large pieces of gravel from the wound and delicately cleaned it out. Now...the scab is forming which I hope will be what Rags describes as "armor." I also know that there will be a scar and a reminder of the pain. I've been feeling stronger and stronger - I still feel at times sad but I realize I don't want things to "go back to the way it was." There's some peace in being able to articulate exactly what you will not stand any longer and placing healthy boundaries. I tend to think through scenarios beforehand now so that I can influence a better position and less dealing with direct hits.