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Don't want contact with them

PetSpoiler's picture

So we cut off contact with my lying ingrate of a SS and his two faced lying gossip of a wife two years ago.  I think it was a mutual decision for the most part. I wish nothing bad for them.  I hope they have a good life but just leave me and my family alone.  Life is so much more peaceful without the added anxiety of dealing with people like them.  Here are some anxious thoughts though.  

There is some family medical history now that SS is unaware of.  At least I think he is, unless MIL told him about my husband's procedure earlier this year.  We also found out about another medical issue that FIL had.  FIL was not in my husband's life by FIL's choice.  He was evil anyway so no loss there.  I think SS should be aware of these medical issues because they run in families but if we were to let him know he would think that we were opening the door to communicate with them again, which, speaking for me, I'm not willing to do.  I haven't mentioned anything to my husband but he hasn't said anything either.  SS is the type that he would probably try to just pick up where we left off and act like nothing happened.  As long as he and his wife aren't held accountable for their behavior, expected to apologize or change their behavior, then they would totally want to talk to us.  But I'm not willing to associate with lying fake people nor do I want them around my bios.  I'm probably going to just continue to not say anything to my husband because if he wants SS to know medical history he can handle that himself.  I also have this fear that he'll want to get in contact with them again.  He won't like my boundaries of "I can't stop you from talking to them but the kids and I will NOT be involved.  They will NOT be welcome in our home or around me and our kids, we will NOT go to any family gatherings where they are but you go if you want".  He won't like that at all and will try to push me to come along.  I will have to turn into a brick wall.  

Another issue is this. SDIL's mother just passed away.  Another in law decided to text and let me know.  Her dad is also deceased.  SS in the past tried to guilt me into being grandma to his child saying that SDIL's mother wouldn't be around too much longer and BM is also deceased.  After her dad died they started making a fuss over DH for Fathers Day.  So fake.  Before her dad died my husband didn't even get a card, maybe not even a text.  My fear is they'll try to push contact with us once again because they feel their baby needs grandparents.  I get it.  My kids don't have a grandpa.  Their friends do.  FIL was not a good person and he is dead anyway.  My dad was a wonderful man and father but he died before my kids were born.  They don't see their grandmas much either.  MIL is in a nursing home and COVID protocols limit visits.  My mom is terrified of COVID so doesn't leave home and will only visit if we come to her house where we can visit outside.  She wears a mask and keeps her distance.  No hugs.  Even if she was vaccinated she still would behave in the same way.  It sucks but it is what it is. Didn't mean to go off on a tangent.  

But all of that to say I do worry about forced contact and more annoying drama, guilt trips from them and possibly from my husband.  MIL and another family member have a history of being flying monkeys. He told MIL to knock it off so she isn't as bad but he has yet to tell the other one to shut up and mind their own business.  He tells me about conversations sometimes.  I just let him talk usually and try not to put in my two cents.  I do occasionally tell him what I think though.  Usually that they need to butt out.  Now I'm going to try to remember if I took my vitamin. Remembering is a sweet reward when you've got a brain like mine.  

Comments

tog redux's picture

Don't contact them about the medical history, it's not your problem.  I know that sounds harsh, but they haven't treated you with kindness, you don't owe that back to him.

If SS has need to know medical history, he can ask.  You don't owe him anything. 

caninelover's picture

then he can send him an brief email or letter.  You should stay out of it altogether.  Though tog is correct, its no one's obligation to tell him of this, but if your DH really needs to get it off his chest then he can do so. 

caninelover's picture

Also - if you don't want to be a step-grandma, then don't.  The kid is not entitled to grandparents and just because DIL's mother passed away doesn't meant the obligation shifts to you.  Grandparents are not interchangeable parts.

PetSpoiler's picture

I was leaning towards not saying anything about the medical history and letting dh handle it if he wants to.  I wasn't sure though.  We've done fine not knowing FIL's history so SS will be fine too, and tog is right.  I don't owe him anything.  I also won't say anything to dh about it.  He hasn't thought about it as far as I know so I certainly won't get him thinking about it.  

I have no interest in a relationship with the child.  I have nothing against him but I don't even know him.  Dh did worry how he would be seen as a bad person for not being around but I think that SS and wife would've taught him to despise us anyway, mainly me.  It wouldn't matter how good we were to him.  I see the stories on here as proof of how bio parents are a strong influence, and how sometimes that can be a bad thing.  He seems to have forgotten how strong of an influence BM was on SS.  SS learned that lying is perfectly acceptable from BM.  She was a pathological liar.  I don't want my bios to be influenced by people like that either.  If dh decides one day that he wants a relationship with the child or SS and wife, he'll have to see them away from home, away from me, and away from my children.  I feel I need to protect myself and my kids from toxic people and SS and wife fit the description of toxic.  

Thank you. I was told by my SIL once that I needed to be the bigger person and go around these people or I would look bad.  That if I did show up that I would make SS and wife look bad. I was thinking who are these people that I would look bad to, and why should I care about their opinion?  Of course that thought only came to me after that conversation.  

 

caninelover's picture

"look bad" LOL.  Who cares.  I would rather 'look bad' then deal with toxic people.

And frankly DH should tell his sister (your SIL) to mind her own bee's wax.  No one asked for or needs her opinion.

I'm pretty sure my toxic SD24 Bratty McBratFace has bad-mouthed me to SO's family.  But they are also wise and mature enough to know these situations are complicated so they stay out of it, as they should. 

If one of his siblings ever called me to tell me to 'be the bigger person' I would certainly remind them of some untidy episodes from their own family's past.  And ask them why they don't practice what they preach first, and then maybe I would give a rat's behind about how they think I look...

Harry's picture

Let DH handle or not handle the medical information.  Not your concern what happens to SS.  He wants no contact, give him no contact.  

Retired now on budget's picture

When DH was having back problems and surgery was in the discussion stages, I tried to call to let the SS know..  That is how I found out I was blocked..  I didn't even try to email or call his job to let him know after that..  It just hit me really cold and calous to not even leave a communication open for emergency..  Isn't the health and well being of his father a concern at all??  I never did find out if anyone in the family who is allowed to call them ever told them his father was ill..  He's never called to ask once over the last few years if HD is OK today..  Nor a fathers day card or a Happy Birthday card that I'm aware of since I married to this family either..  Just another memory added to why disengaging is best sometimes..