Adult Step Issues - Woke up this morning in need of advice
I woke up this morning in need of some advice and even though I have not visited the site in a while, when I did , I learned a lot here, heard some hard truths, and have made some great improvements in my life... thanks to all of you.
My step children have been in my life for 12 years. They are now SD 27 married with 1 baby, SS23 and girlfriend, and SD 22 with one child and another on the way. My husband does not have a relationship with oldest SD after 5 years, she has a 1 yr old and we have yet to meet the baby. We have continued to do the right thing and remember her on her birthdays and holidays etc. She is still reluctant to see us, sometimes she is responsive and sometimes she is not. She accepts our gifts, sometimes we get thank yous..sometimes only DH gets a thank you (which is ok with me). We were not invited for her baby gender reveal or baby shower. My DH wanted to still send a gift so I found her registry and sent her the two biggest items on her list. She was very grateful and then got upset and stopped talking again.
One of my 2021 New Year's resolutions was to stop shopping for my Step family's holidays and leave it to DH. DH was not too pleased since he does not like to shop. I have intermittently helped but not as much as I used to. Well, her birthday is coming up and I am feeling ambivalent as to whether we should send the annual birthday present or just stop. We saw her at the youngest SD's baby gender reveal party a few weeks ago and she avoided us completely. She also got into an argument with her sister for inviting us. My husband refuses to have a conversation with her because he is still very hurt prefers to avoid the whole situation. It's been almost 5 years since she stopped talking to us with the exception of very short Happy Father's day or merry xmas txts.
The youngest SD is great. We have a great relationship, she visits us and stays for the weekend (we live a few hours away). She is very inclusive of me and her child even calls me "grandma."
When do you make the decision to stop? we were hopeful that being a mom would change her or as time passed her heart would soften but it is up and down, hot and cold. We never know when she is going to respond or not. I do not want my decision to stop sending her gifts or well wishes to reflect bitterness or vindictiveness. Any thoughts?
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Comments
Send money
I find that money is always an acceptable gift and it takes the shopping pressure off. Whatever I would buy would be wrong in some way. You ask when to stop. I deliberately continue to send the money gifts to the 5 kids, 3 inlaws, 9 gkids and 3 ggkids but for a reason no one knows. It's in remembrance of my dear gmother who faithfully remembered all occasions. But once the youngest child reaches 18, I think I'll tell them all "done". I might keep it up for the young ggkids, tho.
I think your DH should send
I think your DH should send her cards to celebrate birthdays.. holidays like Christmas.. but I think at this point, unless she is reciprocating gifts.. I would stop sending them. A woman of almost 30 years old is old enough to understand the ettiquette of reciprocating a gift when she gets one.. and she hasn't for years.. no need to continue.
My inlaws kind of started a stopping of gifts to their sons and daughter in laws.. but continued for the grandkids.. now that there are 5 great grandkids.. I would not be surprised if they didn't stop the grandkids (who are all adults) gifting...
If your DH doesn't shop much or at all.. you could offer to pick up a card around those times for him to sign and send.
We stopped sending gifts to
We stopped sending gifts to our nieces and nephews when they hit 25 and we explained that as they had started having children we'd now only buy gifts for them. Their parents immediately retaliated by no longer buying gifts for our daughters ... who were in their early teens.
so sad
that happened to me with my own family. I bought gifts for all of nieces and nephews for many years and when I stopped (because they were groww ) then they stopped and my girls were still very yourng..
Not expecting anything back
I love giving gifts to my friends and family, I never expect anything in return. But you are absolutely correct, I think it is more about the rejection and her pride not to acknowldge me, my gifts, or my efforts. the SD and I exchanged a few amicable texts in January. I felt like things were maybe moving in a positive direction. then the event happened and on Mother's Day, both DH and I sent her a mother's day text. She only responded to DH. I have had to change my attitude and not be so defensive or petty... and I feel good about stopping. I feel like I have honeslty tried. thank you!
I'd pass the labour of gift buying to your DH
He wants to have the gifts bought then he can buy them. You can pick up the purchases for the skids who are good to you.
What does your DH want to do?
What does your DH want to do? I wouldn't shop for her, for sure, but if DH wanted to still do something I'd send a small cash gift. It would be great if your DH did the (tiny amount of) work to send it too. He is the one who needs to do the work to try to repair the relationship, so it's his responsibility.
My DH and I are responsible for our own families. He sometimes remembers his kids' birthdays in time to send them something, sometimes not. He never remembers the grands. Sometimes SD reminds him and covers for him and sometimes not. It's entirely up to them.
He does not know!
I don't think he knows.... I think he wants to keep doing the right thing and keep turning the cheek.... He asked me what I thought. I told him the same thing I told him a few years back - to stop-
"I think he wants to keep
"I think he wants to keep doing the right thing and keep turning the cheek...."
This is NOT the right thing, this is continuing to enable bad behavior and ignore the elephant in the room. The right thing would be to parent up, have the necessary conversation about reciprocity with his adult kids, and move forward.
I agree. He actually decided
I agree. He actually decided to stop the gift giving. I posted an update a day or two ago.
He only texted her happy birthday and she responded 2 or 3 hours later with a thank you.
My SO has a similar situation
My SO has a similar situation with his oldest daughter SD27. She is engaged and living outside of the US, so he hasn't seen her in 5 years and has very little email contact with her. He still reaches out via email on birthdays but no longer sends money. I would say it's really up to your DH but if it were me I would send a card or message for birthdays and holidays but no more gifts. If that is something she wants then she needs to grow up and allow you to see your grandchild. It is not about vindictiveness, it is about not continually being rejected.
I think at this point it
I think at this point it would be perfectly appropriate for you to stop facilitating gifts for a grown woman who does not have the courtesy to acknowledge/reciprocate gifts AND who does not treat her father as a decent child should treat a father. Her BS has gone on long enough.
As for this: "One of my 2021 New Year's resolutions was to stop shopping for my Step family's holidays and leave it to DH. DH was not too pleased since he does not like to shop." Poor DH, he doesn't like to shop. Well, YOU don't like to shop for ungrateful skids who treat you and your husband poorly. Why should his dislikes be more important than yours? It's his relationship to manage - let him deal with her. If he doesn't like to shop, he can send her a check. Or, better yet, do nothing. I do think you need to tell him you are completely out so he realizes it's totally on him, but besides that I wouldn't give it a second thought.
Love it!
I love and appreciate your honesty. I am not sure if it matters, my husband does not work. And even though I do not make distinctions with our money (my earnings), it sometimes bothers me that I am the one paying for these ungrateful chidlren. thank you!
It's possible to follow form
It's possible to follow form without rewarding bad behavior. A card alone would suffice, or a charitable donation in the skid's name. Perhaps to help foster kids, or to some other organization for children who, you know, actually don't have parents who love them?
Rather follow form
Loving your suggestion. *smile*
I like your resolution
I came to the same conclusion recently. The SD is 30 years old and has never sent any cards or gifts to us, which is fine. Her children are being raised by other people. In past years, I have always reminded DH of their upcoming birthdays. No more. I told him last year that I will no longer buy gifts for strangers. He can, if he wants to. If he forgets, that's on him. SD only contacts him if she wants money, and this has been going on for years, so I am done with the whole thing.
Just like me
You sound just like me
i go the extra mile to even put their birthdays on the calendar or I text DH so he doesn't forget.
I guess I don't do it just for him, I do it for me. I often get blamed for his shortcomings- as if I have that much influence over a man-
but I have grown a lot in the last couple of years - thanks to this support system. It is not easy road.
my rule is: once you marry or
my rule is: once you marry or have kiddos = no adult gifts.
send a card, no money, no gifts, no nothing. she wants to ignore you yet still accepts your gifts. nuh-un. no way. not gonna happen. oh hell no. uh-uh.
Update
I asked DH yesterday whether he had made a decision about his daughter's birthday. He said he is just going to send her a text, no gift. I applaud him, it only took him 5 years.
thank you all!