Failure to Launch

What is it with kids not wanting to grow up nowadays?

SS18 refuses to get a license or a job. He went to live w/ BM three years ago, so at least his vagabond criminal lifestyle doesn't really affect me. But I do wonder...WTH? He had such big plans. What are you waiting for, gangsta rapper?

SS17 also refuses to get a license or a job. He volunteers with the local search and rescue group, and honestly sees nothing wrong with waking DH up in the middle of the night to deliver him to a callout. Not to mention regular meetings and trainings. He participates in civil war re-enactments, many of which are several hours away, and all last multiple days. So if we agree to take him, we're either spending all of drop off and pickup days in the car, or staying there with him. If he would get off his butt and get his license, he could take himself. But he knows if he had a license, he'd be expected to get a job, which would interfere with his ability to do all that stuff. When DH tries to talk to him about it, SS17 gets instantly pissed. Last time, he told DH, "Quit gaslighting me! I'm sick of hearing about it! I'm working on it!" DH had never heard of gaslighting before, so he asked what it meant. SS17's response? "You're always getting on me about school, but you don't even know what gaslighting is! Maybe you should look it up!" So I jumped in, explained what gaslighting is, and asked SS17 when his father had done that to him? When had his dad been abusive, then lied about his own behavior? Or tried to convince him reality was different than it was? He had no answer. So I told him, "So you didn't know what gaslighting is either. Just because you're irritated, doesn't mean you're being gaslighted. Maybe YOU need to look it up, before you condescend to other people. Better yet, don't talk to your dad that way at all." And working on it? He's been "working" on getting his permit for over a year.
SD16 is better at least, in that she has a job. But still hasn't lifted a finger to begin the process to get a license. And she's not great about communicating when she's not getting off on time, etc. DH sat and waited an hour for her the other night, tried calling/texting her and got no answer, finally went in to her work to find out what was taking so long? He lit her up all the way home. Wouldn't be an issue if she got a license and drove herself.

Here's the thing: Hubs has already bought a vehicle for them! Told them whichever one got their license first, would get it. Has also agreed to buy each one a vehicle. No takers. I don't get it. I couldn't wait to get my license! And at their age, I loved working, because I had money I didn't have to ask anyone for. You know what I did with the money I made? I bought my own car! No one bought one for me! All my siblings and most of my friends were the same way! But they are perfectly content to be reliant on the rest of us, to scramble for a ride, depending on who's available when they need one. It could be so much easier.

Grow up!

Irene H.'s blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Here is what I think is

Here is what I think is happening with the younger generation:

They see rent skyrocketing while minimum wage stays the same as it was when I was in college over a decade ago. They see cars as being ungodly expensive (I've never been upside down the 2017 Kia I bought in 2019, which is insane) and gas isn't any better. Inflation all around is awful, COVID hasn't gone away, there is a constant threat of WWIII, college debt is killer and might not result in a good job, and no matter your position on the government and what they're doing, it just feels very divided and insane. Toss in climate change, extreme weather conditions, etc and it's a recipe for an apathetic generation when it comes to the things we all were excited about as teens.

What's the point working part-time when you can't make enough to buy a used car, or rent an apartment even with roommates, or pay your college tuition? Sure, you can buy yourself some "stuff", but I've found male teenagers don't care about "stuff".

I'm basing this off conversations I've had with my SKs. They don't anticipate having kids or owning property. They don't anticipate getting married. Their goal is to survive and be happy while doing that. Anything above that seems stupid since it hasn't seemingly helped their parents to care beyond that.

I don't know.. I think

I don't know.. I think sometimes the media has drummed this gloom and doom into these kids.. They spent a lifetime with their parents putting them at the center of attention.. they got a lot of "you can do anything you are wonderfuls".. now they see that it may be "hard" to achieve what they want.. they get fomo from seeing the Kardashians.. and all the other stuff that people have.. and no one has ever equated hard work and reward.. and minimum wage is hardly a thing any more.. MOST employers pay well over it.. if they could find people that actually want to work.

I have two SD's.. they are in low mid 20's.. and both work.. both have bought cars.. even new cars.. both have rented their own homes.. OSD has bought a home with her husband.. they aren't rich.. but yes.. at this point make more than Min wage.. but they had to start somewhere.. and NEITHER of them have college degrees.. and STILL can earn aliving. All my inlaws grandkids have good jobs.. NONE of them have college degrees.. they work in trades.. or worked their way up in companies.. one GD is in sales.. my YSD is in HR.. my OSD is in social services at the local county level. She was a 911 operator prior. there ARE jobs out there.. but they require you to show up. on time. They need you to have some reliable transportation.. and yeah.. gas prices SUCK big time now.. but you can still net enough to get to a job.. and you can "gasp" have roomates when you are younger to split the cost of renting.. I did it.. my SD's did it.. my DH did it.. I maybe they don't get to subscribe to the premium cable or internet plans.. maybe they buy a used car.. have roomates.. but it's NOT impossible. They have let the media tell them they are beat before they have tried.. and no one has made them try before (parents.. boo).. so they do what they are allowed to do.

I would absolutely stop driving them around.. period. The ONLY transport I would do would be JOB related.. that's it. (well maybe a real education/trade education transport.. but even then.. I would rather see them drive that car he bought and give them gas money to help get to class than waste my time).

Yes

I agree. I have stopped carting them around to anything but work, but everyone else hasn't. And my husband, I'm sure, is tired of me saying (about all sorts of things), "They treat you this way because you let them."

It works, so why would they stop?

PS: I like a lot of what you said. I think expecting to live like us, right off the bat, with no effort, is part of the problem. We all drove used cars and had nightmare roommates in crappy rentals, and jobs we didn't want to do to fund it all, until we "landed." These kids aren't willing to do any of that.

Yes

It works, so why would they stop?

Good points

I see your point to a degree.

I'm Gen X, and I remember we had a lot going on too. Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" came out during our generation for a reason.

What we didn't have, was instant access to worldwide "news" from spurious sources.
Im not saying things aren't messed up, but we/they still have to try. And there's no motivation to do that.

What I won't have, is grown people loafing around my house, doing nothing. And that fight is coming.

I'm a Millennial, so I have a

I'm a Millennial, so I have a different and more sympathetic view, I think, to Gen Z.

Adults I've grown up with - teachers, mentors, family friends - always pushed the work hard, get a degree, buy a house, etc lines. So I did just that. Now I'm labeled as a lazy, freeloading, whiny Millennial because I'm pissed that the Social Security I pay into likely won't be around when I retire, and that Medicare that I pay into will likely not be sustainable, and that companies don't offer pensions and retirement benefits like they used to so we're putting more of our money in for less guaranteed return. DH and I have retirement savings, but both of us know we can't save enough while keeping above water due to inflation, etc.

I have watched my parents end up with medical debt up to their eyeballs. I've watched family members who've worked since they were teens lose their homes and cars because they were injured or "made redundant". The US has been a financial crapshoot since I graduated college, and it hasn't gotten much better for a lot of people.

So, I get it. I get not wanting to work just so you can maybe pay your bills, or pay your bills but not have enough to save. Yeah, they still have to work, but those of us who are older need to take a hard look at the world we're leaving for our kids and make changes so it doesn't have to be the same slog we've experienced. Life SHOULD be easier now than it was before, but when there is no reward for the hard work other than "hey, you get to live a life you didn't ask to have, though you may not live it well", I can totally see where that is disenfranchising.

Perhaps I'm bitter, but my Gen X/Boomer-cusp mom gave me some great insight into how I think her generation thinks. She told me that the silver lining in her getting Social Security but me probably not getting Social Security is that at least I don't have to worry about what happens to her because she'll be financially taken care of between that, her retirement savings, and her pension. That is not comforting as I think about being 65 and still working full-time because a sizeable chunk of what should be my retirement income is just not there.

ETA: I'm not saying kids shouldn't have to learn, have goals, launch, etc. Just don't expect them to be as excited or motivated like you were. The benefits aren't what they once were, and the narrative of "do it anyway because I got mine and need to continue to get mine" isn't exactly inspiring.

I think you "do it anyway"

I think you "do it anyway" because being a leech on your parents. who are also suffering the pinch of inflation and lower valuations of their retirment savings or living off the public services.. which also puts more pressure on the tax base.. (not "rich".. not corporations.. who never pay taxes.. but the consumers who spend their incomes.. and pay the rest in tax)... is not the right think to do either.

Every generation has had it's horrors.. it's challenges.. it's hard times.. it's wars.. it's disasters.. it's economic instability..

Right now, Gen X is heading or into retirment in a market where their incomes that are fixed or dependent on shrinking investments are getting enormous pressure due to inflation. You think it hurts when you are 20? be 65.. and only have x a month.. and then all of a sudden it costs you 10% more to live.. or your pension fund goes under due to investments being crap? or.. and this is coming.. you can't sell your only ASSET.. your home because the bubble bursts.

They don't want to try.. well.. no one had any idea or guaranty where things would be 10, 20 30 years down the line.. you move forward because there isn't any other option.. but the problem is that they think there IS an option.. maybe there is? they can suck their parents dry while eating ramen in the basement because they see no future.. but you won't know whether you can make it until you do it right?

I have 6 kids who are all in their 20's that I can see.. that without college degrees all have nice enough lives. All of them are home owners except for one.. and that's a choice since she relocated to a new state last year and has been unwilling to make the comittment since she could move again. No college degrees.. but they all have good jobs with insurance.. all have vehicles.. and I'm sure their own financial struggles.. but they started.. they just didn't sit there and say.. poor me.. or that electrician job isn't "fulfiling my personal purpose".. the went to work.

Minimum wage, are you kidding?

There are over 11 million jobs in the U.S. My SS17 is working at a local fast food place for $13/hour!!!! I don't know of anyone that is hiring at minimum wage now.

Stop taking the skids

Stop taking the skids anywhere. The best motivation is making the uncomfortable. There's no motivation to change. I'm Gen X and couldn't wait to drive. We weren't coddled like the kids today. We were expected to stay on course and hit those benchmarks. Failure was our best lesson. Don't deprive the skids of those lessons. I have 3 launched daughters. One more to go. Making things easy did them no favors.

This!!

If we do not teach them to set goals and reach for them then we aren't doing our job as parents. But that makes stepparenting a nightmare. A Father who feels out of touch w/ his kids and wants to gain their favor, will ignore, spend for and cater to them in order to get first billing. That creates stepskids that never learn to learn, create, and eventially leave. Dad could call a family meeting and start listing expectations and making pronouncements. 1. Chores are to be done, not to be ignored. 2. Rides to and from events happen only if we (you and Dad) are free and want to. Otherwise...learn to drive or suck up to someone who does. 3. If not in school...work is required as is paying rent. Paying rent does not exclude you from normal family type chores.

I would also add that if they

I would also add that if they do find rides, giving that person some gas money is important. Nothing for free. If they have the reputation of being freeloaders to their friends, they won't get very far either. I had the wheels back in The day. But gas was cheap and I had a job. I liked it when somebody chipped in on gas.

This feels like the most obvious answer

If he draws the line and says enough is enough, no more rides (Hours away for a whole weekend?? Come on!), you ARE all getting your licenses, I suspect not having rides places may change their tunes. I could not wait to get my license and had a job when I was 11, so this boggles my mind.

My firm belief is that for some reason I can't understand, some kids just struggle to launch, and those kids need a "push" out of the nest. That's part of parenting. Nothing wrong with giving your kid a little nudge when they are having a hard time making moves into adulthood on their own. I cannot stand when parents enable this or coddle. It sounds like you have said this to your DH and he is resisting- is that accurate? Sometimes parenting is doing the hard things. It's not all doing what skids want or keeping them in their comfort zone.

Re the Civil War stuff - why

Re the Civil War stuff - why on earth are you wasting your life catering to this kid? If he wants to go to events that are seeral hours away and take a few days then let him use public transport and figure out the rest for himself! If he can't do that then he doesn't go. It's as simple as that.

I agree w/ this. He has a

I agree w/ this. He has a hobby and that's well and good but his hobby is complicating your lives. He is big enough to do these, he is big enough to work out his own transportation.

If he is really into it.. I

If he is really into it.. I would be surprised if he didn't have others in the area that also went.. that he couldn't chip in transport cost to get to them. no need for his parents to continue to cater for sure

Each Generation

has always thought of the up and coming as being less motivated and industrious. But the proof is in the pudding when kids today refuse to walk into another room in the house to talk to a family member--instead they TEXT!

I read that most college grads expect just shy of a six figure salary after a Bachelor's degree (with ANY major). Hmmm yes we have skyrocketing stagflation and money is rapidly losing all value, but still.

DH problem not SD problem

Why should she do anything different? She's got it MADE!

DH sat and waited an hour for her the other night, tried calling/texting her and got no answer, finally went in to her work to find out what was taking so long? He lit her up all the way home.

Now THAT is pathetic. Waiting for over an hour? No wonder the kids act the way they do

You have a partner issue

He is not parenting he is enabling. I have SD23 Feral Forger - no license, no job and my husband has had 3 cars that could have been hers (eventually sold), so THAT deal is off the table. Luckily she lives with Toxic Troll BM.

So, you should talk to your partner.

Honestly why would they want

Honestly why would they want to work or learn to drive if everything they want and need is being provided for them and they are being chauffeured? Where is the expectation from your DH that they need to start earning their own money or getting themselves from point A to point B? If he is not providing that incentive why should they be motivated?

You are here

Comments