I know you're right. You're 100% right. My dh has been rather good about implementing boundaries in the past. I believe he will again. It's just very hard for me because ssgf always text or calls me (which is no one's fault but my own for reaching out to her) with her expectations and demands and even when I respond and say "Dh said...." so that my dh can be the 'bad guy', rather than me being the 'bad guy', I still feel her wrath as though I'm the only one to blame for not satisfying her criteria since I'm the one she's always reaching out to, not my dh. So even if we have boundaries, it's hard for my dh to hold the boundaries with ssgf because she rarely pushes the boundaries with him directly-she does it through me. I just need to toughen up and stop caring if ssgf or ss get mad at me. It's just easier said than done.

I definitely think we can find boundaries for my sd. We have a home gym in our detached garage and my sd recently asked my dh if she could start coming over to work out in the afternoons. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't annoy me- because she's not concerned with seeing us or spending any time with us, she just wants to use us for what we have that can benefit her. Not to mention that she apparently told my ssgf about our home gym as well, at which point my ssgf let me know "Oh sd told me about y'alls gym. So it's like a full gym?? I told her I was gonna start using it while you watch the baby!" I'm like, oh. I guess that's good for me to know. Thanks for telling

I know I sound petty but I am SICK of being told what everyone is going to take advantage of and what I can do while they take advantage of said things. Thankfully, my sd has only come a couple of times to workout and ssgf hasn't at all, yet. I'm nervous thinking about my sd just coming and going bc she steals things and has no respect for our personal space. She text me the last time she spent the night and asked if I had something black she could wear to a funeral bc she left her outfit at her moms. Dh and I weren't at home when she asked so I KNOW she wasn't taking no for an answer. She was going in my closet to take what she wanted and I could figure out later. Not to mention, my closet was in disarray at the moment and I could just see her taking a pic of my closet, while she rifled through my things to take what she wanted, and she'd prob send the pic to bm to be critical of me. I just DO NOT like the idea of her coming and going. She'll take anything she wants- clothes, shoes, firestick, candles, cash-nothing is off limits! This is her world, we're just living in it. I wish I could go back and undo the damage and pain she caused by shutting us out for a year, I wish I could go back to tolerating her toxicity like I used to be able to do, but I can't anymore. i thought I could but I can't. I'm going to tell my dh my concerns and he can find a way to tell her "no" the next time she reaches out to him to say she's coming over to use our home gym. I'm not ok with her being in and out. I know it bothers him to have to draw boundaries with his children and I hate that for him. But I just can't put my guard down when there's absolutely zero accountability for all that's happened and his daughter is just using us.

And this will be my life forever. I'll always have to implement boundaries or have my dh implement boundaries and we'll always be considered bad people for doing so. Or we'll have to return to no contact. And I know that hurts my husband. It's literally a situation where we just can't win. I've faced this reality before and I've been in this position at the very beginning of a 'no contact' period- And it was hard then. It's even harder now bc I know all the drama, turmoil and triangulation that must occur if we end up at the no contact point again. 
 

I'm thinking too far ahead. I just need to focus on today and what step can be taken today. I will do that. Thank you SO much for your kind words and encouragement. I'll see if my dh will agree to counseling. Even if he doesn't, I think I should. 

Gemini, when I met my husband, yes, he had full custody of his son. His son had no rules or boundaries. When his son became physically aggressive with my son not long after we introduced them, I drew hard boundaries, immediately. Absolute deal breaker. I gave dh an ear full. At which point, dh appeared broken. He explained to me how sorry he was and how his bm never allowed him to parent his children and how he'd gotten used to everyone running over him, all the time. Never in his childrens lives had he ever been permitted to discipline them. He told me he wanted to learn how to parent properly and he needed my guidance and my patience. Before I came along and showed him good parenting, he did absolutely nothing to discipline his children. Any little thing he would try to do to discipline his son, his son would call bm and tell her, and bm would literally say "Come to my house. You don't have to listen to that." Ss played his parents off of one another and they allowed it. Ss would go to bm's house if dh tried to draw boundaries or give discipline, until his behavior was so bad with her that she'd have to draw boundaries as well, at which point ss would call dh to come get. And on and on and on it went, 

Ss was on medication for adhd but they rarely made him take it. We handled each situation as it came with as much firm understanding as possible. My mom has always been a hands on grandmother. My ds was going to spend the weekend with my mom and she offered to take my ss as well and my ss was happy to go. He was probably 12 or 13 at this time. I just knew my mom was going to call within a couple of hours and say "Y'all have to come get him." But Low and behold, he was perfect for her all weekend. I genuinely believed he couldn't control his actions and had never known how to be a good child (since all I'd seen was trouble in the year or more that I'd known him)-I also thought that he couldn't control his impulses because he could really benefit from his medicine but his parents never made him take it. Imagine my surprise when he was well behaved for my mom for 2 nights (without medication). I knew at that point that he DID know how to behave and he was capable of behaving, he just chose not to as long as he was around either parent or at school. I'm not sure why he was good for my mom but he was. Do you know anyone like that? They are a nightmare to you but fine to others?

My husband definitely wanted to learn to parent and do right by his children but it was so late in the game. One example of my husband beginning to parent was when my mom bought us tickets for a fun children's production. I got the tickets and went to dh's house (this was before we were married and we didn't live together yet). I had my dd, ds and my nephew who was going with us as well. My sd asked me to help her pick out an outfit and my ss asked my ds and nephew to go outside and play. I had a bad feeling but I figured I could quickly help my sd and then go outside to supervise the boys playing, while dh tied up loose ends after getting home from work. I'd just gotten her outfit picked and was heading to the door when the boys came busting inside-my ss in the rear yelling "They're lying! They're lying!!" My nephew was holding his throat which was red and he had tears running down his face. My ds said "Ss was just choking nephew! We tried to come inside and he tackled him and started choking him." My nephew is the most tender hearted boy-he would only cry, he wouldn't talk. I was furious. There was no was I was making my ds and nephew ride in the back seat with ss for an hour to go to this event. I told dh that physical aggression is not negotiable. Ss was not attending the event with us. I told dh that he could stay back with ss and I could take the children with me (including sd) but we weren't rewarding ss with a special outing on the heels of something so unacceptable. Dh agreed. He chose to cash my fil who lived a mile away and asked my fil to watch my ss while he went with sd, me and my children and nephew to this show. My fil said he'd keep ss. Of course, we had to hear about how wrong we were for not talking ss from everyone in the family-from My in laws to bm. I asked them what they'd suggest we had done and no one could give us advice, but basically they were just mad that ss had to miss out on something, completely disregarding his actions. I will NEVER forget the sadness and the terror in my nephews face that day and I'll never forgive myself for not being outside to protect him. Ss was mad at dh and went to his moms house to stay for a few nights. He'd call his dad and say "I don't want you to date SouthernCharm! I'll come home if you stop dating her. Mom lets us choose her boyfriends so why don't you let us choose your girlfriend?" (That's an absolute lie-bm never considered her childrens decision in who she dated-but it sounded good when she coached ss to say that) Dh would explain that he was an adult and he made his own decisions, blah blah blah, and ss would punish dh with his absence for a while before finally coming back home-where we could face the next hurdle. This is one example of hundreds. Dh began drawing boundaries and disciplining, slow and steady. Every instance was met with complete disdain. And you may say "but dh is the parent. Why did he allow ss to go to his moms?" When mom is willing to drive up into dh's yard to pick ss up and keep him from being disciplined by dad, it's hard to parent him or get him to respect boundaries. Sure, dh could've walked outside and told her to leave, but bm would attack him. Physically. It's happened countless times. Right in front of their children. She's attacked him at drop off in public-at McDonalds and at a gas station. She'd approach his window and act like she just needed to ask a question, then she'd dive into his window and start hitting dh. Yes, dh should've pressed charged countless times! But I think he was afraid of hurting his children even more if they had to watch their mom being drug away in handcuffs, so he wouldn't. 
 

Trust me-these children have not had an easy life. Their mother is a narcissist to her core and she has histrionic disorder. Yes, she's been diagnosed. She is overly sexual (she'll sleep with anyone-and 95% of what comes out of her mouth is perverted). She's been fired from one job for stealing things. She lies constantly. Habitually. She's verbally and physically abusive. Dh is very laid back and easy going. They got married within a year of knowing each other (and I've made sure to explain to him that decision was dumb-because people can hide their true colors for a year. It takes time to see a personality disorder but time always reveals the truth!) and things went downhill soon after they married. She got pregnant with ss immediately and dh's fate was sealed. She bulldozed dh the entire marriage and never allowed him to parent his children. 
 

Dh should've had more of a back bone. He should've chosen a better wife to have children with. He should've  gotten to know her better. He should've started parenting the right way as soon as they separated. He's made massive missteps, there's no question about that. But he is also the most kind hearted, sensitive, considerate, loving, gentle, hard working, fun, knowledgeable, outgoing, supportive man I've ever known. He is all the good qualities you could ever hope for in a man-yet some of these very qualities are what helped to create this mess. He is so worthy of love. It would be a shame for such a wonderful man to live the rest of his life alone because his children and ex wife won't allow him any peace. I decided that if he'd try to parent, I'd try to stay. I'd walk with him through this. He IS worth this. But some days, I feel swamped by the fact that I'll be on the defense for the rest of my life as long as we're in contact with his children. I believe it will be easier to go no contact/or to draw boundaries without guilt and turmoil, when my mother in law isn't around to go into hysterics. My ss and ssgf's trailer park is very close to my mil's house so they see her fairly often. My mil knows everything. She's SO happy we're all talking again and had us all over for Easter, where she proceeded with her hand holding blessing, while she thanked God through her tears that we were all there-and asked God to bless the relationships. I want God to bless the relationships, too, but I also want to have basic respect given to us, and I don't want our belongings stolen, and I don't want to be taken advantage of, and I don't want there to be such a complete disregard for our boundaries, etc. 

As for my sd, my dh had already had a pow-wow with her in person. He bought her a car (despite his nervousness about that) and he had a couple of rules. 1-finish your driving classes and no driving alone until those classes are complete and it's legal to drive along. And 2- there's 2 sets of keys and he wants 1 set at all times. They could make a duplicate if they wanted but he always wanted to have a key to this car he bought. Easy enough, right? No. The key fob to unlock the doors is built into the key itself. Sd called and said her key fob wasn't working so bm was bringing her to get our key. Dh said "ok. You can have my key but leave me the key with the fob that doesn't work and I'll have it fixed. I do not want to be without a key." He could've just told her no and told her to have her key fixed but he didn't. Dh got home from work and there was no key in our house. Sd came and took dh's key and didn't leave the other. Dh immediately let me know how mad he was and that he was right to be nervous about getting a car for sd because she'd never follow his basic requests and she had no respect for him, etc. And I understand his frustration. But we have 2 options-get her a car like we have the others and risk her being flippant about rules or don't get her a car and literally have to hear about that for the rest of our lives. I believe the right thing to do is to try to provide and hope for the best. Dh called sd, who was still in the car with bm, and told her to bring him one of the keys. Bm and sd let him know how stupid and petty he was but agreed to bring us the key with the broken key fob. When sd came in the house with the key, dh told her that he needs her to respect his very basic rules. I held sd's hand and told her that we know it's hard for dh and bm to get along and for that reason, dh has anxiety about providing a car that will primarily be at bm's house. I told sd that I really want this to work so please, please help me make this work. Dh isn't really asking much. It's simple, actually, so let's not make it hard. Of course we get a call and texts from bm soon after they left telling us how ridiculous we are. That's to be expected. Heaven forbid her children ever respect a simple rule. 
 

A week later, sd is still in the process of taking her driving course (our driving courses consist of riding so many hours in a vehicle with someone from a driving school. It takes weeks) and we find out that she's now driving to school alone. No adult. Just my 15 yo sd, driving around illegally. Bm is too lazy to get out the bed to take sd to school so she lets her drive illegally. There's so many things wrong with this scenario, the fact that insurance wouldn't cover an illegal driver and we could be sued for everything being one of them, the fact that if she was pulled over her eligibility to drive would be suspended until WHO knows when, the fact that she's just NOT an experienced driver and could hurt herself and others being among the other issues. Dh was very upset. There's proof of her driving on video and countless eye witnesses. But bm and sd make their own rules. Dh told her he was taking the car until her driving classes were completed. He told her we were coming to pick up the car from bm's house (thankfully we DID have a key after dh insisted on getting a key back), and of course bm was in the driveway waiting on us. She started with her tirade. I told dh to stay in his truck and I'd walk into the yard to get sd's car to drive back to our house where it would stay until her driving classes were completed. Bm is standing in the yard, yelling obscenities at us. But who else is going to protect this child from disaster? We will not supply a vehicle for her to drive around illegally. 
 

The same week we took the car, we found out about sd having sex at her moms house. At this point, we'd recently dealt with so much between sd and bm that dh didn't want to call and embarrass sd by putting her on the spot and asking her about being caught having sex. He didn't want her to have a knee jerk reaction and say things in the moment that she couldn't(or wouldn't) take back. He felt the best option was to let her know via text that he knew about the situation and ask her what, if anything, her mom had done to reprimand her and let her know how unacceptable sex at 15 is in your parents home (or anywhere for that matter). He could've just said how hurtful it must've been for her mom to walk in her room to see that and how disappointed and concerned he was- but I think he wanted sd to realize that a normal parent will discipline in some way for such a thing. Bm gives NO rules or boundaries-and dh wants his children to know that normal parents DO have rules, boundaries AND consequences. But she said "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't appreciate you slut shaming me. I'll speak to you again when you want to apologize. You can sell my car. Mom is buying me one." And that was it. She didn't speak to any of us for a year. Her best friend moved away recently and sd started threatening suicide and that's when she went into counseling. Soon after starting the counseling, she reached out to dh to go to dinner with us. 
 

She's changed in the year she's been away. They're used to be a tenderness in her eyes and it's gone. I know that in reading this, it seems like these poor children just need someone to love them. We. Have. Tried. No, we haven't taken bm back to court to get custody bc Bm doesn't fight fair. She'll have her children lie just to keep dh from getting the children and losing her precious child support payment. I won't risk losing my own children to save another and I know bm would encourage lies about our home which would make that a factor. I know that's the card she'd play. We have proof of so many things but these children are old enough to say where they want to live-and they want to live where they have no rules. Ssgf has shared the fact that sd has the birth control that goes into your arm and works for 3-4 years. I'm thankful to know that so we won't have another grand child from another teen. 
 

My dh can try to give rules but it's hard to do when it comes down to it. He gives a rule or boundary, they don't like it and call bm, bm shows up to pick them up and dh can let them go or he can call the police-at which point bm WILL go to jail... either for violating his parenting time or for attaching dh. Dh does not want his children to be further traumatized-they've seen enough violence. So he folds and lets bm take them. 
 

Dh certainly helped to create this mess but he's never tried to "boot his minor kid out of the house and washed his hands of the situation ". I have a heart for children and I've always wanted to foster children. I've asked myself-what would we do if a foster child had this same behavior? We would do everything in our power to love them through it. To teach them rules, boundaries and consequences in a loving, supportive environment. But we can't love dh's children through their tough times because bm won't allow it. They'll text her in secret and tell her to come get them. And God forbid if we try to stop her. 
 

The final straw for my ss, the moment my ss chose to live with his mom permanently, was when he was about 14 or 15. I think he was in 8th grade (yes, he was older to be in that grade bc he'd been held back in elementary). My husband was tired of having to track him down every afternoon after school, depending on who my ss decided to go home with that day. He was supposed to ride the bus to family friend's house and that's where my dh would get him every day. But he decided he could go home with anyone. By the time my dh found him, got Him home and we had dinner, ss would pull out a pile of homework, which he had no clue how to do, and we'd spend 2-3 hours doing his homework with him, late into the night. Dh told ss that he was going to sign ss up for the after school program at the middle school where my ss attended. This was, my dh would know exactly where to pick him up every day after work, AND they would be there to help him with his homework every afternoon so that would be finished when they got home. Bm told ss that if he'd come live with her, he wouldn't have to go to an after school program. So ss left to stay with her. He'd come for visitation and let dh and I know that he'd come back if he didn't have to go to the after school program. Dh held his ground and told him if he was with us, he would be at the after school program. So bm took us back to court and ss went to live with her. Where all of his behavior was made worse and he was a high school drop out and a father at 17.

Dh has tried to have a good relationship with ss over the years but in doing so, he can't just disregard the fact that he is a parent. At one point when dh and ss were doing ok, ss posted a picture on Instagram of himself with a joint behind his ear. Another where he was rolling a joint (with marijuana) and another with several friends, holding guns. Dh attempted to talk to ss about these pics and ss's only response was "Do you want to be in my life? Do you want to be in my life?" Dh said "Yes, I love you! I want to be in your life! I'm trying to tell you that this isn't ok. You're on the wrong path." Ss just kept yelling over dh, "Do you want to be in my life?! I guess you just don't want to be in my life!" And hung up the phone on dh. Thus would begin a new stent of no punishing us with silence And absence. Until the next time dh would reach out to ss or vice versa and things would be ok until dh would try to address troubling behavior and be shut out again.

Then the sgd comes along. I didn't care to communicate with ss. In fact, life is more calm when I don't. But knowing how much we want to know and love the baby and knowing ssgf was so young and battling post pardum, I decided to reach out. She was very happy I did. I never thought ss would want to jump in and start talking to us-but I guess now that he has a baby he could see the advantage of having us around. I see a lot of growth in him but I still see the hate he has for me. I can see it in his eyes. He's hated me before he ever knew my name. He'd hate any woman in this stepmom role. I'm still not sure if having the baby around is worth the stress of the constant demands with the implication that if we don't meet the demands, the wrath will be unleashed. She is our sunshine. She is the happiest, most relaxed baby. She never meets a stranger and she can entertain herself like no other. She is a dream. She is literally our sunshine. She makes EVERYONE happy. I want to love her and be a positive example. But I also want peace in my life.

I know you are right, that dh should be forging these relationships and bearing the brunt of so this dysfunction. In general, I've always been the one to try to lead him. To try to give him courage. He asked me to help lead him in family things because he was a shell of a man when I met him and he'd never been allowed to parent. I'm loving but I'm also strong. I thought that I could reach out to ssgf and offer her my help with sgd so she could work part time and that this wouldn't be a huge deal. But ss showed up on day 2 of me keeping sgd and we've had no choice but to carry on accordingly. I almost wish that I would've told ssgf that Ss hates me and always will so I'd like to keep this between me and her. That there's SO much toxic history and ss and dh haven't spoken for a while, so we'll just make this about me helping ssgf while she works and nothing more. But I didn't say that. I was afraid that she'd ss would be mad if I had any sort of restrictions on the situation-and I just hoped that maybe he wouldn't choose to come around. But he did. And I wish nothing more than for us all to get along! Ssgf asked if I could shop with her to get some things to help decorate their house. I have lots of unused decorations around so I gladly went to their trailer and made it feel more like a home. I WANT to do good. I WANT to love them. But then the demands started coming from ssgf which I NEVER saw coming. And now, I feel like I'm making her mad almost every day bc I'm not meeting her expectations. Ss still hates me, but oddly enough, it's ssgf who is stressing me out the most. I'm just not sure how to proceed. I feel like I'm walking in a mine field and I'm nervous with every step. Dh and I were prepared going into this that it might not work out. We said we'd keep up a healthy boundary when sgd is concerned so we aren't as hurt if they keep her from us. But I never imagined how much we'd love this baby. And I didn't realize the overwhelming grief and stress I'd feel at trying to keep everyone happy. I know it's hopeless. I know that if they get mad and keep the baby from us, dh will stand with me and support me even though we'll both be so sad. I guess the only answer is for me to get support through counseling. Dh and I have always been strength enough to carry each other through this disaster, but I think I may need more support than just dh on this one, should things go bad and they cut off contact. I went in with my heart guarded, prepared for anything, but I'm not as prepared or as strong as I thought. 

Exjuliemccoy I have definitely had a few opportunities where I've quietly disengaged and I know exactly what you mean. I've found that ssgf usually texts to make plans with me to babysit unless she decides to drop baby at the last second and then she'll call. I no longer answer the calls. I'll text her later and say "Sorry, I've been busy and just noticed a missed call. What's up?" Ssgf will ignore the text and not respond/answer bc she knows I out smarted her and she's mad. But that's ok! She can be mad. At the end of the day, there's no one as willing and open to helping with sgd and I do a lot, If what I'm providing isn't enough, so be it. 
 

I definitely believe it'd be easier to say no if I had more obligations of my own. That is something I have considered as well and it's great advice. 
 

I try to always have quality time with my bios but I'm sure you're right that they've suffered in some ways because of all of this dysfunction. They are very well rounded in every way and I do my best to always have an open dialogue with them in regards to their step siblings. It's a fine line of trying to help them understand what we're dealing with, while not wanting them to completely reject their step siblings, but also wanting them to try to have a backbone and defend themselves if they're confronted with their stepsibling's bullying behavior. Bottom line, I've been too damn nice and dismissive for too long-trying to keep everyone happy. I have plenty of opportunity to have one on one time with my daughter and I make the most of that. My son is 17 (18 later this year) and he has school, friends, and a social life so it's harder to connect one on one with him at this age-but I do make the most of it when we can.
 

I can practice radical honesty with myself. I definitely need to shift my thinking. I can do that.

I have a family of origin, but my birth father wasn't really involved. My sister and I were adopted by my moms second husband when I was 2 and she was 4. He loved us like his own and he's all I've ever known. But home life certainly wasn't ideal and I have no doubt that I have some lasting effects from my childhood-not to mention the effects I carry from my first marriage. In general, narcs are attracted to people who are very loving and eager to please. I am that. Those are good qualities to have but they also make you vulnerable. I'm a work in progress and I look forward to getting stronger, smarter and more decisive. Thank you for your advice!