You are here

House Rules& Expectations...Opinions Needed

SilentlyCoping's picture

Submitted by SilentlyCoping on Thu, 04/21/2022 - 11:18pm

I need opinions....these are the house rules and expectations I have come up with so far.  I am struggling with how to word or work in the fact that this arrangement is not indefinite...that there is an expiration even if all expectation are met.  HELP!!! 

HOUSE RULES/EXPECTATIONS

  1. No overnight male guests, even when we are not home.
  2. You are responsible for paying car payment, gas, auto insurance and all car maintenance and repairs.
  3. You are responsible for any medical, dental, vision related co-payments and deductbiles.
  4. If not going to school, you will be responsible for paying monthly rent, to start at $300/month.  This payment will be due to 1st of each month.
  5. If not already employed when moving in, it is expected that you will actively pursue a job and secure one with 20 days of moving in, with the understanding that there may be a need to change jobs should it not meet the minimum hours of work required per week. 
  1. If not attending school, you will work 40 hours week minimum.
  2. If not attending school, you will be responsible for paying monthly rent, to start at $300/month.  This payment will be due to 1st of each month.  The rent will then be re-evaluated every 6 months.
  3. If attending school, it is expected that you also work.  The number of hours worked is expected to be commensurate with the number of classes taken.  Therefore, the less classes taken, the more hours of work expected.  For example, taking 1-2 classes means 30 hours of work/week.
  4. If attending school, you are responsible for your tuition.  We will assist with books and parking as we deem appropriate.
  5. No gaming during my work day (generally 8am-5pm).  This will change if we find there is no significant internet lag.
  6. If your dad is working out of town, you will need to be at home no later than 10pm so the alarm can be set.  If your dad is in town, that is between you and him.
  7. If you are not planning to be home on any given night, you are to inform your dad, or me if your dad is working out of town, in a timely fashion (e.g. by 7pm the night of). 
  8. Failure to meet any of the above will result in a re-evaluation of the living arrangements agreed to.

Comments

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Thu, 04/21/2022 - 11:32pm

You may have some repeats in there so it's a little unclear.

While I understand your frustrations they come out in this list as an attack. I recommend going the "rental/lease" agreement route to remove the emotion and introduce adult, real world expectations. You can incorporate these things in there just in a more formal way. You know, like they would be in an apartment rental situation. And those always have eviction reasons!

I fear with this list that your DH will not agree. And you want to win him over...frame it as a life lesson. IMhO.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 12:15am

My OSS lived with us a few years while going thru a depressive period.  I like him but DH alternately coddled and verbally attacked him, fun times.  After he left, I jotted some notes in case he ever moved back:

1.  Full-time job with Social Security and withholding, ie, no casual work.

2.  Let us know how to reach you ( pre cell days)

3.  Own checking account, pay own bills

4.  Clean own bathroom weekly

5.  Do own laundry promptly

6.   Change and wash bedding weekly

7.  Put away your clothes

8.  Store possessions that are outdoor out of sight

9.  No liquor, no drugs

10.  Cut grass weekly

11.  No cigarette butts anywhere, in or out

SD60 lived here awhile.  I would have added:

12.  No theft

 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 5:20am

Frankly, I would put my foot down and say that she's not moving in. Here's why:

  • She doesn't actually need to move back, she just wants to - there is no urgency, it's not as if she's being kicked out,
  • Two women under the same roof does not work. There is only one queen to every castle. When a second one arrives, chaos and tension ensue.
  • She's never been held accountable in her life therefore she will disrespect the rules as soon as she feel comfortable in "daddy's home".
  • She doesn't have a job yet and probably won't bother looking for one once she's in and settled.
  • Once she moves in, you'll never get your home back. She'll be nice and comfortable in daddy's place, not paying rent, not being held accountable, not participating in family life, etc.
  • You know that she'll agree to all your terms and conditions, follow them for a week or two and then throw them to the wind. You will have no way of getting her to follow them. Your husband will tell you "she's not a bad kid" when you complain.
  • This could cost you your marriage and your sanity. She'll take over your place in your home and the power struggle that follows will drive you crazy.

If she wants to be near her bf so badly,  then the pair of them can get jobs and rent their own place. Wouldn't you rather contribute a little to their rent for a few months than have her on your back all day?

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 9:36am

Get her a rental and subsidize her rent for x months or while she is in school.  Don't let her move in.

If you do go forward with this list, I would give her the alarm code (a curfew of 10 pm is wired for an adult - can't she just let herself in and re-arm the system?).

I would add no parties or groups of friends (eg more than 3) over at all without asking first.

And I would just say she has one year at most to move out, period.  

 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 11:08am

I agree with this.

UNLESS you yourself are willing to enforce consequences, your rules are just suggestions.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 9:16am

Is your DH on board with these "rules" and will he enforce said rules?  If he's not on board and won't enforce then the rules won't matter.  What matters is your DH expects his daughter to start adulting and realize this is just a temporary landing spot while she gets a job, goes to school and starts finding a place of her own.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 9:22am

Get rid of #4, because you state it again in #7, but with other details.

I would add a chore list as a member of the household. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 11:09am

I would not let her move in. It didn't work out with the son and it won't work out with his daughter.

If she was even a little bit responsible, all of these rules wouldn't need to be laid out for her.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 11:40am

I honestly think that you should avoid her coming at all.  If you have to write such a detailed list of expectations.. you know she won't keep.

It would be one thing if she were a reliable.. respectful kid with a plan to launch.. not a kid floundering around with hardly a penny to her name.

Here is what I would tell your DH to offer.

She gets a full time job and he will pay her first month's rent and utility deposits for an apartment.. or first months rent to a shared living arrangement she finds.  Even if he has to help subsidize her a little for the first year or so.. it's going to be cheaper than divorce court!

If she is truly accepted to a full time university in your area... I think she needs to look into on campus housing...

 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 12:57pm

If you need an argument to convince your husband that she'd be better off in her own place, lay it on thick about helping her transition to adult life and how that makes him father of the year. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 04/23/2022 - 4:57pm

1.  Either work full time or school full time. Half time each with a minimum of 40hrs/wk of combined class and work time is acceptable.

2. Your bills are yours to pay. Car related, tuition and fees, personal purchases, rent, etc.

3. You will clean up after yourself immediately as well as complete any assigned task when instructed.

4. The rules will be followed.  You will be informed of the rules as they evolve.

5. This is a day to day situation.  Don't test it.