This kid...
Oh good, another skid-related argument. About SS15, per usual. Looking for thoughts on how to handle this:
Although overall a really good kid, I struggle with him the most because he is sneaky, and I don't like sneaky. Lies flow off his lips like nothing (usually small ones). Also, he is the golden child, and DH HATES giving any consequences to him. Anyway, recently, SS has:
- Lied about putting a dent in Crazy's (BM's) car while he was driving (He has his learner's permit, will get his license in 6wks. Cannot WAIT!). DH saw the dent during pickup and asked SS about it-he told her someone T-boned her. No, he slid into the garage while backing out of her driveway, I found out from SD12.
- Has had a really sh*tty attitude about grades and school- he wants to be an astrophysicist and has his eye on a school with strict GPA requirements that he is not close to- but doesn't study, plays video games from dusk til dawn, and has gotten several 0's and D's on assignments. When asked, he has a nonchalant attitude that doesn't fly with DH. DH has now FINALLY threatened a real punishment- one more 0 and he's taking the video game cords to work with him at night. SS: "I can't do it, I'm not good at school, I'll never be able to get into that college anyway". Oh please. As if that ONE college and ONE career are the only options. And yes, you won't get there when you put zero effort in. This is really getting to DH. On Sunday we tried to watch a movie and SS text him the entire movie from Crazy's with his "poor me" attitude". DH was about to lose his mind, and said, I swear if he texts me one more time... It also ruined the movie.
- He has taken to working minimal hours at his job- like 8-10/wk. And instead naps after school, plays video games all night and on the wknds, and does not leave the house, despite having friends. This drives me crazy. Go be productive! Work some more hours, make money (he's paying for his own college). But video games all night is not ok with me. Especially knowing he's going to be begging for $ later, and he had all this opportunity to make more. DH says when he's 16 he is for sure upping his hours.
My issue today: SS has been staying up past his 11pm bedtime regularly- I've talked to him about it, DH has talked to him about it....but he never has consequences and he knows that, so he doesn't care. Mon night he was up until 1am. This drives me nuts, but really it's the overall picture. He will come home, nap until 6pm (DH wakes up for work at 6:05, so SS sets an alarm to make sure he is awake by then), then play video games till 11. I told DH about it this morning and he doesn't really care about bedtimes as much as me. (Then why make one???). He got testy about it, but asked what I would like done. I said, idk, but there are screentime settings on Apple. He checked it out, and said "Here's what I'll do, I'll talk to him again and tell him I can see his activity, and if he does it again I will put screentime on. Ok?". Me: *Stares blankly ahead*. DH: *Right, that's not good enough*. Well seriously, it's just another way to avoid giving consequences. Argument ensues. I'm "Constantly" complaining about SS. He said he's going to put the settings on. But also he doesn't care about the bedtime and it's only for me.
I'm with SS and SD12 every single night while DH sleeps and works nights. I'm the one who sees all of this crap. I don't like rules being blatantly ignored, but I try to let DH enforce. This whole situation drives me crazy, but I'm not sure what the best way to handle it is. Thoughts?
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If he doesn't care about
If he doesn't care about bedtimes.. and the bedtimes don't impact your ability to get sleep.. then I would try to let it go. Your DH clearly said he doesn't care. he does care about some of the other stuff though.. let him concentrate on that. Sure.. good sleep habits are helpful.. but it sounds like there are bigger (honesty!) fish to fry with the kid.
This is true (although to me
This is true (although to me the staying up is lying in a way- and he will surely lie about it if you ask him if he stayed up). DH does have a pretty good grip on the rest of the situation- school and work. I have such a hard time letting skids blatantly disregard rules when I'm the one here. It's like being a babysitter that can't even enforce rules. DH did say he would put the parental controls on his phone- I'm deciding if I should tell him to just handle it how he wants, or let him put the controls on.
Here is the thing... if this
Here is the thing... if this is a rule that your DH doesn't care about.. WHY does it have to be a rule? Setting arbitrary boundarys for the kid are meaningless unless your DH feels there is value in enforcing them.
Of course SS is going to be a little fast and lose with the truth when asked if he stayed up.. many kids will kind of stretch the truth when you ask them stuff like that.. but if it doesn't MATTER.. if it;'s not in place for a real valid reason that the adults need it to be? why have it.
Let SS manage his schedule.. he is old enough to go to bed when he is tired.. or suffer the consequences the next day. I would not be tip toeing around in the AM to let him sleep.. lol. 7 am vacuuming in the hall outside his room.
And.. if he starts missing school for it.. then that is the hill to die on.. not whether he napped early and stayed up later.
So there have been a few
So there have been a few incidents where it's an issue- since he stays up so late and needs to nap after school every day, he hasn't woken up on time for commitments several times- He was late for a basketball game, late for work, we couldn't even wake him up for dinner...I mean FFS. And this is me driving him to those places and making dinner, so that part does affect me. I don't think DH remembers those things when he says he "doesn't really care about his bedtime".
I cannot wait for this kid to get his license in 6wks and I am not a part of any of that.
So.. the consequence for him
So.. the consequence for him should relate to the oversleeping and missing committments issue. If his oversleeping means you don't have time to do what you need to.. you can say..
I could have driven if we left 30 minutes ago.. you will miss X because I don't have time to do it now.
He misses practice? he won't play in games.. may get kicked off the team.
He is late or misses work? he may lose his job...
All these are natural consequences of not getting himself up on time... and that could be an issue whether he is staying up late or not.
When he can drive.. this will all be on him.. and life tends to teach you real lasting memorable lessons!
Yes!
Yes!
If it's YOUR responsibility to get the skid somewhere and your spouse does not give YOU the authority to make it happen then STOP. This is my biggest issue with being a StepP: Responsibility without Authority. You cannot ask me to take care of something as an adult or in a parent capacity yet give me no way to put limits/corrections on what will effect the situation for everyone in involved (esp. if the actual parent does NOT have the responsibility).
Once I realized this *ding ding ding ding* I cold turkey stopped doing everyrhing I had no authority or say in. No more last minute kid pick ups/drop offs, no taking care of them if DH wasn't here due to his own planning or playing, no more getting special food or cooking special meals, no helping DH if he couldn't get the SDs on board with something....it was freeing.
Disengagement is your friend
Disengagement law #1: You cannot care more than the bio parent.
if Dad doesn't care, you don
if Dad doesn't care, you don't care. easy to type, hard to do but w/out Dad on board, nothing will change so lean into it. Stop reminding, stop telling Dad, just leave the kid to being up all night and sleeping all day. He'll be failing soon enough and when Dad complains remind him that he doesn't think it's a big deal so you don't either.
I think I'm going to tell DH
I think I'm going to tell DH to just handle it how he wants. You're right, it's hard to do, but I spend more time stressing about this than it's worth. DH says that if he isn't getting enough sleep then his grades will start to show it and then he will lose his video game cords and it will be addressed then. Fine. Let's do this backwards I guess. *unknw*
Been there.
Been there.
Agree with those above - you cannot care more. Which means you cannot do more than the parent. You see the problem and have an answer - take away the video game component. But if your DH won't do it you are left with disengagement. "Oh, that's nice honey." or "That's too bad sweetheart" to any DH comments about it.
My OSD was addicted to her phone and watching show after show all night on Netflix. She would stay up until 3 am sometimes (I found out later) but did DH put in parerental controls? No. Did he install the timer on the router that I bought? No. did he "talk" with OSD over and over and did it help one iota? No. I opted out and let him deal with it. Because if I said anything or suggested anything then DH would jump to the "You think I don't parent well enough do you?" "Let me handle it the way I want" "Don't make it harder than it already is."
Good grief. What is so hard
Good grief. What is so hard about putting parental controls on???
DH said he will put the screentime on so SS's phone won't work after 11:30pm, but only because of me, not because he agrees with it. Although if I had a dime for every idea that was mine that he initially resisted and went along with anyway, and afterwards ended up agreeing was a good idea, I would be rich... torn on if I let him put the screen time on now, or just tell him to do what he wants, I don't care.
....And then the parent
....And then the parent wonders why the skid doesn't listen to them or won't do a certain thing as they get older....Gee DH, is it because they've never learned to? Hm......
Thank you!!
This is exactly what I tell him.
And when they reach this
And when they reach this point (as experiencing with YSD) and DH says "Why doesn't she....do x or not do y?" I say, "She never learned." He usually stops talking at that time.
He sounds
Very ambitious compared to Chef's ferals who are well above 15 and are doing nothing with their lives other than drugs, Although SD stb 24 ia going to medical coding school but i doubt that will last.
Another vote for disengagement.
SS sure does talk a good game
SS sure does talk a good game, he just needs the ambition part to follow through....he thinks that good grades just come naturally and doesn't want to put in any effort to get to his goals. You are right, still better than drugs though *blum3*
I would covertly disable his
I would covertly disable his gaming system.
And put time limits on the wifi.
See, that is how my mind
See, that is how my mind works also- A while back I downloaded the app for his router, although I haven't gotten it set up since he at least has turned the video games off at 11. He has data on his cell though, which is what he's doing til 1am, so the time limits on wifi don't even matter...
This matters because his
This matters because his grades are bad. DH needs to confiscate his phone.
You have to realize there nothing you can do,
As long as SS is not affecting your sleep. Let him stay up. BUT, BUT you must understand that SS is not going to leave your home. Why leave a good thing. You must get to a understanding with DH like in writing m becsuse he going to forget. That SS must be out of your home by X age.
That after HS, he either goes to a sleep away college. Or works a real job. 40 hours a week, pays rent that you can save for him. Or he gets out ASAP.
YOU must get this understanding because DH is not parenting, he is not all of a sudden become a good parent.
I used to have strict bedtime
I used to have strict bedtime rules for my kids. At this point (16/14) I go to bed before them. As long as they wake up on time, chores are done and grades are what we expect- I don't care. There are bigger fish to fry and I am tired. LOL
They both do their thing. My daughter goes to bed way before my son, he is a gamer she just is chatting with friends. But I have let this fight go as a mom.
If something falls through the cracks, I might have a night or 2 of lights off downstairs and in your room when I go to bed- but that is about it.
You can't care more than your DH on this. If it isn't affecting your sleep, don't let it take up space in your head!
I definitely need to learn to
I definitely need to learn to let it go. He has been late for work and a basketball game because of napping after school- so to me he has shown he can't stay up until all hours and still function. But also, DH doesn't seem to remember that. He gets his license in 6wks and that part won't affect me at all (I was the ride to these things). But caring more than DH does no good and just causes arguments. Deep breaths!
I would worry less about
I would worry less about bedtimes and more about the future and this kid’s ability to launch. Have you and DH discussed what the expectations are for 18 year old graduated adults living in the home? Those are the battles you need to start fighting today. All this other stuff is in the noise.
We actually have, to a degree
We actually have, to a degree. DH and I agree that there are no kids living here not launching, but I think there needs to be more discussion about that because the details are hazy. Right now, SS can't wait to move out and go to college- he doesn't want to live at home at all, thankfully, so if anything it will probably be SD12. And she is so far up her mom's a*s she would probably live with her. Both skids are expected to have jobs throughout high school, so expectations to work and contribute to chores are already there. This is my biggest fear though- skids not launching. They could make a horror movie out of it.
How is he going away to college?
If he can't get out of H.S. A 1.0 avarage is not going to wow any college
He gets pretty good grades
He gets pretty good grades actually, but this college he wants to attend is a 3.5 - 3.7 GPA (he is like a 3.1) And lately he has gotten lazy and the grades are slipping. That is what DH is putting a stop to- which is great, but the bedtime thing still pisses me off.
Update
Welp, I am officially disengaging from this whole bedtime thing. F this. DH came down to leave for work and was still mad, left without saying goodbye (that never happens). I text him and said, Do what you want, I DON'T CARE. Give SS a warning, don't give him a warning, don't set screen time. I'm sick of arguing about it and it's not worth it. But just a reminder that I'M the one here with skids, and I'm the one who saw him be late for work, late for his basketball game, and can't get him up for dinner sometimes. I am not going to bring this up ever again- I'm done. If you don't care, I don't care. But I'm also not waking him up or giving rides for things he's late for because he's sleeping after school because he stays up too late. DH replied "sounds good".
Have fun DH, it's all on you now! *good*
I appreciate everyone's responses and advice, it helped me make this decision!
I think that this is one of
I think that this is one of those situations where you need to try to embrace a little bit of disengagement.
The bottom line is that you and your DH do not necessarily see eye to eye on what is son should be required to do. You think a reasonable bedtime should be in place, his dad doesn't see that as a huge need and only goes along with setting one at your request.
Now.. sure, you spend time with the boy and your observation is that he may be tired from staying up late.. so he takes naps and oversleeps because he is "too tired". But your DH sees a kid who gets reasonably decent grades.. works a job and is involved in extra curricular activities.. he is not so concerned with the "how it happens".. but more the outcome of his kid's performance.. which it sounds like in the end is not terribly bad..since he does get fairly decent grades.
When I was 14 my mom told me she would not be punishing me because the natural consequence of my actions would impact ME more than it would ever impact her.. because she was grown.. college educated.. had her 'adult life". If I chose to not study, I was not going to get grades for the schools I wanted to attend.. that would be ME.. If I got hooked up in drugs and was arrested.. I was the one to do the time. If I was late for school for not getting up. I was the one to get tardy marks.. basically as a teen, what we do and don't do start to be pretty much our own responsibility and that the world will instill consequences.. not making the team.. not passing the class.. getting arrested... gettiing pregnant.. not getting into college etc..on us.. and these consequences might be things our parents can't FIX even if they wanted to. SO.. she wanted me to accept that I had a lot of personal responsibility to live my life in ways that would be more likely to get positive outcomes and less likely to experience the bad ones!
For that reason.... yeah.. I would let the bedtimes go for this kid.. I would not nag him to get up.. to study etc.. what I would be doing (as his father.. not you).. is holding his feet to the fire on expected outcomes.
I think your message to his father is appropriate. I will no longer enforce for your son... but I will not be held hostage to his needs for driving and stepping in to save his bacon when he fails to plan and manage his obligations. So, if he wants to stay up till 2am gaming.. as long as it's not interrupting the household... he is free to do what he wants. But, if he is so tired that his napping makes him miss his alarm and he isn't ready when it is the normal time for me to drive him somewhere? I'm not changing my schedule to accomodate his lack of performance. So, he may miss practices.. games.. miss work.. if he isn't up and ready to go at the appropriate time. If you want me to be involved in helping him, I have to be able to set boundaries on how I perform that help and what is expected of your son.
It's not fair for you to expect me to always pick up slack and rearrange my time because he isn't ready to go on time.. and from my POV it's his lack of regular sleep that probably makes that more difficult.. but whatever.. I don't care what the problem is.. I'm no longer going to be the on demand UBER for him. He needs to set a scheduled time with me.. and stick to that.
I would also tell your husband that his son doesn't get to lie to you without consequences.. Now.. you won't be grilling him on things like whether he did homework.. or went to bed on time.. but if he lies to you.. he will find that he loses commute priviledges with you.. that is YOUR consequense to someone who is not respectful of someone that is going out of their way to help.
Well said
I like this way of looking at things. Although I do care about his grades and him getting sleep, getting to work, following rules...sometimes, selfishly, My fear of the potential fallout of how him NOT doing those things may affect me takes over (not getting into college and living with us, getting fired from his job or even missing work and sitting around like a slug even more, etc). So then I get involved. Yesterday, the feeling of disengagement on the bedtime topic came over me all of a sudden (I'm calling it "F*ck it) and I feel much more at peace with the situation. He's starting to drive me crazy with his behavior on the daily, so I have to step back for my own sanity.
Speaking of lying, today he told me he was getting picked up at the school a block away from our house by "a friend" who was going to drive him to work. He doesn't get rides to work from friends (he works 6 blocks away), and why would they have to pick him up a block away? I am positive it was Crazy picking him up, and he lied and said a friend. She refuses to let him walk to work from her house (it's only 4 blocks from her house). We have told him she's not allowed to give rides on our time. I'm not even saying anything because I just can't stress about this kid anymore right now.
Are you future me?
Seriously, I'm struggling with similar frustrations. My SS is 11, so we're at a different place, but the rules and lack of consequences are getting to me. SS11 lies. He sneaks. And there's no reason not to because, at worst, DH will talk to him about it.
No food or drink in his room. Well, yesterday, when he knew DH was upstairs and he thought I wasn't around (I was quietly on a work call in the next room) he got a box of candy and took it to his room. He was doing the same sort of thing at his mom's, which led to a bug problem because he will just leave wrappers, boxes and spills where they fall.
At night he has to hand over his electronics because we found out he was getting up at 2 am to watch videos. This week, he hands over his kindle and iPad but not his Switch or remote. Tells DH the Switch is at BM's. I saw it here.
I told DH, look, if you're not going to enforce rules or actually have consequences, don't have rules. All he's learning is that the rules don't really apply to him and that there's nothing wrong with lying.
The rules actually are important to DH and he hates lying, but he refuses to actually do anything about it because he doesn't want to deal with SS crying or throwing a fit -- or wanting to live with BM, who is even more permissive. full time.
So, I'm just biting my tongue so hard I'm nearly drawing blood but I'm sick of feeling like the nagging wife/stepmom. At least I don't have to drive the little prince anywhere! But I suspect we're heading in your direction - total lack of respect and responsibility.
In short, disengage and let the natural consequences of the universe land on him like a ton of bricks.
Yes Daniel-San
I am definitely future you. Lol. Those EXACT words came out of my mouth to DH during our argument yesterday- don't make rules if you're not going to enforce them or Ever have consequences!! Because the rules don't mean anything then. He thinks I'm super strict about rules. If he would give consequences Even once I would be happy, but it's just talk after talk after talk. DH says him and I don't follow all the rules at work or in life- I'm like, we are ADULTS, we are able to determine what the consequences of that are! SS is a kid, we are supposed to be teaching him- he doesn't know right now. It's absolutely infuriating.
But yes, save yourself some trouble because here I am 6yrs later, still stressing about this crap when DH doesn't care about SS following most rules or punishing him for lying. I am genuinely going to try and step back from the stress of SS. We don't fight about SD12, only SS.