adult stepson - another reason to leave

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Hello all,

I had to get on here today and vent. The weekend was rough. I came home from work Friday to a birthday gift my sister sent. My husband got very hateful about it, "why does she keep sending you crap? We have no place for all the crap your family sends you!" Nevermind the fact that he AND his manchild have TONs of boxes in our basement FULL of hoader stuff, like old video games and toys from when manchild was an actual child. I was furious at him for talking to me that way. Then, he says, "you know what? I'll just text your sister and your mother and tell them to stop sending you sh*t." I was trying not to engage because, well, quite frankly, I'm scared of him. But I did say, "no, you will not text my family." Then he back peddles, etc, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." I know what was really wrong. His manchild was out "working" all weekend... I use the term "working" quite loosely. And he can't stand when his manchild is gone. He was obsessively checking manchild's location on his phone all weekend. It made me want to PUKE.

Then last night, I was verbalizing how I don't sleep well most nights as my job is stressful and I was anxious about today because adminstration frequently does not staff the clinic appropriately. Do I complain about my job? Of course, who doesn't need to vent? Well, once again, DH gets angry. He says, "I would love to have a job that pays what you make. Your job is easy. You need to quit bitching. I'm not going to have you get fired or quit so that I can take a sh&tty factory job for 1/3 of what you make. If I am going to have to take a sh&tty factory job, then we may as well be divorced." I said nothing. Though I find it quite telling and it confirms my suspicion I had years ago that he was only with me because of my income. I shut down. I quit talking. He kept trying to be nice after that but I completely ignored his efforts. This morning before I went to work, he comes in and tries to hug me, tell me he's sorry and he didn't mean those things he said. I said nothing. I feel nothing. I just want to get away from this situation. It is unhealthy and not normal and it weighs on me heavily. And I can bet that DH will sing a different tune about his manchild's behavior when he has to take a "sh&tty factory job" to support him! I just kept focusing on my job interview today (that went quite well) and the upcoming day when I tell him it's done. I called my attorney this morning and told him that I would like to hand DH the divorce papers myself rather than having him served. I plan to hand them to him the day I move out.

Sorry for the rant. Just SO angry. It's building up and so on move day, I believe I'll tell him all the things I wanted to say over the years but didn't. Or maybe I'll just leave. I don't know. I'm a bit angry and overwhelmed today.

Thanks for listening....

Total asshole.

I'm not going to have you get fired or quit so that I can take a sh&tty factory job for 1/3 of what you make.

I mean, just, WOW. I can't wait until he actually has to get a job.

He sure is an a**hole.

He sure is an a**hole. Indeed, I would LOVE to see what happens when I walk out the door on that final day. I guess he better get used to a "sh*tty factory job." Sad thing is, he won't even get a decent paying factory job... because he can't pass a drug test.

How long do you have again?

How long do you have again? I cannot see that your are able to stick it out for another what, two months?! You have no one you can crash with right? (I had a bed in a friends home for a month after I left my ex while I could figure out my next steps)

I would stick with someone else serving him - but you will have someone else there, correct? I think he's going to freak out.

I was going to stick it out

I was going to stick it out until July, but I think as soon as I have confirmation I have a job, I'll get a rental asap, schedule movers asap and just leave. If I have trouble finding a rental (which I shouldn't), I can always stay with my sister or mom until I find one (the job I am getting is close to them). I won't be taking any furniture with me so it'll be a fairly easy move.

The movers will be there and my brother when I move. Yeah, I worry he'll freak out. It may be best to leave, then have the sheriff serve those papers. That way I'll be long gone when he gets them. I agree, I think he will have an absolute melt down.

Good For You! Glad You Have a Place To Go Temporarily!

Please DO NOT serve him yourself. You're only asking for trouble in doing so. If he's a volatile as you say, AND he has a mini me/son, I most definitely WOULD NOT hand him the papers yourself. I know you'd like the satisfaction of watching him come unhinged at the prospect, but you may not get the chance to make a safe exit if you choose to do that.

Let the process server take care of this! Focus on your new job and the transition to your new life. Make it a smooth segue.

yep, let someone else serve him

On this point I do have experience: they get violent when served. Much better to let the law handle it. The moving out is a smart move in this situation and congratz to you on hanging on safely until you can have your won space back. It will feel SO GOOD!

What An Ass

Continue to be careful. I just wish you could get out of the mess sooner than later. I worry about you. Big hugs.

Thanks, me too. I'll be

Thanks, me too. I'll be careful. As long as I can avoid a huge blow up by not fighting back, it should be fine. And I won't say anything when he is provoking me.

Gross

He knows something is up, and he's trying to goad you into tipping your hand. Go to your happy place, imagining him working a sh!tty factory job, and fighting with his lover.

I'm pretty sure a neutral party has to serve him, but I could be wrong. You wouldn't want him denying he was served.

Yeah, I feel like over the

Yeah, I feel like over the past few weeks he's ranged from love bombing to being a complete jerk in an effort to start a fight. I did just that, when he was being an a$$, I thought about living in my own place, close to my family, no more loafers living off of me or me having to work around their schedules (SS with his 45 minute showers using all hot water and both of them sleeping til noon every day, so on my days off I have to stay in my room or risk being yelled at by DH for waking him up). I just kept thinking I have money, I can leave as soon as I score this job (interview was today, went well).

This is true, attorney said I can give him papers but you're right, he might lie. Plus, as another poster wrote, he may freak out. It's all good. I'll leave knowing he has yet one more surprise on the way.

I conquer

with the above WHAT AN AHOLE!

"yes darling DH you will need to get a factory job cause I aint supporting you and your loser wife/son any longer"

I know you cannot say that, this manchild is nuts.

Hun hope you leave soon, or kick this toxic couple out . Stay safe and blessings

Thanks, yes, he is such an a*

Thanks, yes, he is such an a**hole. I can't wait to leave. As soon as I hear back about this job, I'm out. I'll find a rental (or stay with family if I can't find anything quickly) and schedule the move/my brother to be here. And then I'm out.

Ugh.. this sucks. I pray you

Ugh.. this sucks. I pray you get the word on that job soon... it will make it ever so much easier to move forward with your life. and I would like to monkey punch (as aniki would say).. your landlord that won't give you the grace to allow you an earlier exit if you would give him "ample" notice.. it seems in the housing market that there isn't a lot of problem replacing people.

I mean.. even if he said.. It will cost you 2 months rent.. at least you would know your obligation has a limit... and honestly.. I would be a lot less concerned that my sTBX partner had a softer landing than I would be that he and his OAF of a son would destroy the place in my absence and obligate ME to some horrible renovation penalties.

If I were you.. I might start doing some purging (aka moving things to a storage unit.. or your parent's).. and tell him that since he is upset about all your extra junk...you thought it would be a good idea to kind of pare down your stuff. (also move any items of great sentimental value.. or importance like passports or important document).. you can start spiriting these things out of there now.. so if he does go ballistic.. at least you have things that matter out of his path.

That's an excellent idea.

That's an excellent idea. Yeah, I'm not even worried about the last two month's rent. I'll go ahead and pay it this week and just consider it the cost of my freedom. I will say the landlord told me to let them know when I move out and if anything is damaged, they will not come after me for that as I can prove I don't live there and they were notified of my move out date. I already sent pix of the house over the past two weeks of how everything looks. I'll go get a storage unit now and start moving things. That's really a good idea. He would break things of mine in anger because he has done that before - last November he got mad that I left his phone charger at my mom's house 5 hours away and he threw one of my favorite DVDs against the wall in a rage and broke it. He then took a container of desserts my mom sent back with me and he destroyed that too. So I think getting my personal stuff out of the way is paramount.

I think you need to move out

I think you need to move out when he's not home. He's gonna start some sh!t with the movers and scare them away.

Yes.. I dated a guy that

Yes.. I dated a guy that sounds like he had similar issues.. except for the fact that he was violent with me a few times.. but the storage unit thing is a good idea.. and claiming that you are just getting rid of "junk".. you can be "paring down your wardrob".. he is probably too much of a dolt to realize you are taking things that "matter" to you.. but it will make that moveout a lot less of a big deal.. and in fact..

I have a diablo idea for that anyway.. Buy your BF and his son tickets and a hotel room at some "festival" or whatever in a town over from you.. because you know how much they like it.. then have the movers there while they are out of town.. and plan to have him served when you are gone! (sign them up for a timeshare vacation.. hahaha

But he has given you the gift of complaining about your "extra" junk.. so by all means honey.. I am doing some spring cleaning..

Also.. buy yourself a decent sized tote to take to work.. get your papers and pictures and small valuables out of there first,

Here is my even better idea..

Here is my even better idea.. if he is not on the lease.. if the lease is just in your name.

Get him and his son out of there for the weekend.. tickets and a hotel room at the beach.. the timeshare weekend.. comic con convention .. whatever will be enticing and you would not have an interest in as much.

While they are gone.. pack up and move everything... Put HIS stuff in a storage unit with 2 months prepaid.. then move your stuff to your storage unit or new place if you have one ready..

Change the locks and inform the landlord that you have vacated the premisis.. and that even if he won't refund you any prepaid.. that you are giving up your lease.. NOW..

Let doofus and son come home locked out.. with an envelope with the information regarding the storage unit.. they will figure it out.

I hope everything goes just the way you plan!

Your STBXH is not a safe or even decent person, from what it sounds like. Best of luck in all your future endeavors! And please stay safe the meantime; he sounds legit scary.

Hang on!

As crazy as this man sounds, it would be wise to have someone else serve him with papers instead of you. Many people would be asking why you don't kick his and his SS/wife's a$$ to the curb now but I can remember how worried I was that if I told exDH to leave before signing the divorce papers that he would take off and I would go through hell trying to find him to sign the papers. As it turned out, that would have been true. Before he left I asked for him to leave a forwarding address and he refused. I also made the mistake of allowing him to stay here for a month after he signed the papers - big mistake. I felt sorry for him because he didn't have a suitable vehicle to drive any distance so I helped him get a newer car. When he left he took me for money I had worked hard to earn, plus he forwarded all of my mail to an unknown address - it took 4 months to straighten out. Believe me - once your DH finds out he is going to have to grow up and support himself he is NOT going to be nice.

Glad you have an alternate place to stay. If you feel in the least physically threatened leave immediately. As inconsistent as your DH's behavior is, I wouldn't trust him. It is understandable that the stress you are presently experiencing is overwhelming because of the pressures of work plus the upcoming divorce. But I would NOT use him as a source to 'vent' to about anything. Just stay as distant as you possibly can. When he is served with divorce papers leave immediately. One of the other posters suggested placing your things in storage - good idea.

He had your mail forwarded to

He had your mail forwarded to somewhere? What a jerk, I had no idea that he was that kind of an asshole.

So glad that you divorced him.

Yes he did,

To an unknown address. It took me 4 months to get mail at my house - I had been living here for a year when he did it. He forwarded my mail a week after he forwarded his own, which the postal inspector said demostrated that it was intentional - and was a felony. But I guess the Post Office investigators have a lot to do - have not heard anything.

This is why I advise anyone who is thinking of getting a divorce is to forward your mail using the Internet if possible. That way you have a confirmation number. My exDH went to the Post Office and filled out yellow cards for both the Post Office Box and the mail box at my home without being required to show his ID or my signature. This is how a lot of identity theft takes place.

I am very glad I divorced him and am remaining on ST to try to help other women who are going through the emotional abuse and being used financially like I was.

Yes, I won't serve the papers

Yes, I won't serve the papers. I'll let someone else do that. That's interesting, I wonder if I should wait and have divorce papers sent to him in October right as the lease runs out?? I'm not sure. I'll talk with my attorney. I worry he might destroy the rental but my landlord did tell me to let them know when I move out so they will not hold me responsible for any damages - I thought that was nice. I'll get my mail forwarded too. And you are right, no more venting to him about anything. He is not my partner or even my friend. I clearly see now that he is a predator and is with me because it benefits him and his manchild. He made it clear that if I don't work and he has to, then we may as well not be married. Yes, I'll be putting my stuff in a storage unit starting tomorrow.

No , don't wait. The sooner

No , don't wait. The sooner you can get him served safely, the better. You don't want him running up debt that you could get stuck with. Ask the lawyer how that works in your state. In mine, the date of filing was the day our current financial lives started, only marriage debt to handle for divorce.

Agree!

Please don't wait until October. Get it done as fast as you possibly can.

Correct! The day you file is

Correct! The day you file is the day any financial obligations your STBex enters into are not also yours!

Don't count on the landlord

Don't count on the landlord not holding you liable for damages after you move out unless you have it in writing signed by the landlord. Your STBX and his son are deadbeats - when he can't collect from them, he'll go after you, as he'll be entitled to under the lease.

You and your landlord already have an understanding as to

what is going to happen. Please tell me you have this IN WRITING, because when the shit goes south, anything not in writing won't stand in court or with law enforcement.

Keep taking pictures of the condition of the property up until the day you leave and email them to your landlord. Don't do anything verbally. It's always all about the paper trail. Black and white is proof...talk does nothing for your case.

Also if he says he doesn't want anything, see if you can get him to put that in writing.

I would leave ASAP.

Make sure your attorney FREEZES all financials so that he cannot leave you with a mountain of revenge debt. You know he's going to need money to put a deposit down on a place. Most places want a deposit/first/last month's rent, and utilities usually require a deposit also if he doesn't already have them established in his name.

Get your forwarding address taken care of AND notify the Post Office of your changes, AND THAT HE IS NOT TO GET THE MAIL HANDED TO HIM FROM A POSTAL WORKER! That happens sometimes, especially if you're expecting a deposit refund. Make sure if you've had a shared PO box with him you have ALL the keys. If you have a joint box, then you'll need to cancel the PO box and open your own.

Also make it clear to your storage unit office that this is a single person's unit...no husband! He may try to obtain anything he can of value to sell it.

Take him off your credit/debit cards and banking if he's an authorized user or joint holder. Don't forget checkbooks. Cancel and get YOUR OWN.

Car insurance...take him off!

Utilities-Make sure any deposits that may be refunded are IN YOUR NAME ONLY, and that if he tries to establish service again, IT MUST BE UNDER HIS NAME, not yours.

Cell phone company needs to be notified and plans cancelled if he's on it. He can get phone records if he's a joint account holder. If you're the priimary on the account, you can just have his phone service suspended so he can no longer use it.

Any apps you're paying for, he also may have them, or he may have put more on his phone, or attempt to run up the bill since you're paying. Make sure if anything is backed up to the Cloud that you change your password if he has access to it.

I can't think of anything else right now, but basically look at all your monthly bills and work from there. Also something else you might need to do (I have a file with these and it's been very helpful when my purse was stolen) is either take pictures (make sure your phone has a lock feature and create a folder on you phone) make copies of the front/back of all debit or credit cards so if any go missing you can report the fraud RIGHT AWAY and you'll have the customer service numbers, account numbers and relevant information handy.

I hope you get the job!

Welcome to your new life! Enjoy and keep us posted!

Insurance

I agree. It is VERY important to change all your insusrance policies into your name only. Before I filed for divorce I found out exDH had insured MY home - the one I owned - in his name. He was 'bundling' so his car insurance was cheaper. I was surprised that the insurance company would allow this, but they did.

As far as the PO boxes, have all mail in your name forwarded to a new PO box and do not allow DH to know the number. Use the computer to do this so you have a confirmation number, and he will not be able to access your request. After that, monitor your mail. If you stop receiving mail you may have to put in a new forwarding request. I was really amazed that the Post Office would allow someone to forward mail of another person without any ID.

Oh My!

You were much too nice, but I understand where your heart was.

I think as we make our exit, we are focused on doing whatever it takes to make it happen and to get to that point.

I'm glad you got your mail straightened out. What a jerk.

I'm glad you're leaving

He sounds like a first class POS with a parasitic son. They are emotional and financial ticks, sucking the life out of you.

You've had great advice here!

I would add, get a PO Box temporarily...so you can have mail go there then be forwarded when you move to help make sure you don't miss anything.

In my last divorce I got a small safe that I could put in my car...I put important documents, jewelry and things like that in. I announced I was leaving the morning I started moving. I didn't even have boxes yet. I'd signed a lease and gotten the keys the day before. It was hard and rushed, but I was able to make it happen with little planning time. The divorce was filed later, but I had to get myself and my kids out of there.

We women usually leave mentally before we leave physically, but that allows us to plan it out in our minds. Their continued bad behavior just fuel us through the process.

My 2nd husband was a parasite like this and content to spend whatever he could of someone else's money and do as little as possible to contribute.