help: snotty adult SD plans visit; need strategies
Dear Forum,
I'm asking for your wisdom and some specific things I can say and do to help calm myself and also (if possible??) set some boundaries with my very rude, critical, bretty, meanspirited 31-yr-old SD "Anna" (not her real name). Apologies for the long post but there is history.
Background: I'm 63, have lupus and have been sheltering in the pandemic, and my 66 yr old partner of 16 years "Robert" is also at risk, and has been very strict about it since 2020, and even has chastised me for allowing workers (with masks and ventilation) in the house to fix things when needed.
But all of a sudden, the very millisecond his adult SD wants to visit, ok, fine, no worries. After all, she's just had covid, will wear a mask on the two airplane flights; yes, she works in health care as does her partner, but not a problem, according to Robert. When I said whoa, how come suddenly this is not a problem when everything else is and we can't even go out to a restaurant outside ourselves, but now suddnly when Anna wants to, it's all fine? No answer to that except "well it's all easing up now." I suggested we get her a hotel room so she will have her own space (we have a very small house, no guest room), he agreed, so that is good, but she will have no car. So part of me is worried about getting sick from her.
But another part of me just plain hates to be around her. She is arrogant and condescending, yuppie like, vegan, sooo judgmental, and a know-it-all, where I am a kind of live and let live person who would rather just let people be than make big issues of things; and nothing I do or say, nothing I wear, eat, cook, or serve, nothing I offer as a gift, wiil ever be acceptable. (I therefore stopped offering gifts; I do not want to cook this visit and am telling that to Robert, who is ignoring me.) The parents' divorce was 17 years ago, before I was in the picture, but I am still unacceptable, I guess, because I eat meat, because I am old, because I am not "in style" and don't have a sleek modern expensive house, etc..
There is history: I have really tried. First I invited her and three of her friends to the beach when I had rented a big beach house one year, when they were 17, about two years after the divorce. But gracious houseguests they were not: she and her friends played Mean Girls and treated me horribly. Robert didn't even TRY to stop them or say anything in my defense, which infuriated me! I told him at that time that I would not be disrespected in my own house, that I would not have my hospitality and kindness repaid with rude, disrespectful remarks and eye rolls, and that it was his child and he needed to teach her some manners. But he did nothing, which nearly broke us up.
I did not have to see her again for maybe 5 years; then family Christmas and Thanksgivings intervened and she continued the behavior. I was trying so hard to be nice to her and let things slide, overlook things, just let it be and not react, but it just got worse, until I privately decided not to go to his family gatherings if she was going to be there. I really like the rest of his family; two have confided in me that they do not like her either and wish she would not come and dread the holidays if she is coming! Partner's sister even said one year, when I said, hmm, no, not coming to Christmas, "not feeling well" and besides it will give Anna and her dad time together on their own; Robert's sister said, "I wish I could be there with you instead!" So, I'm not exaggerating about what a grown-up brat she is. Robert lets her get away with incredible rudeness and selfishness and allows her to YELL at him (not just sass back but YELL). I have said, "Why do you tolerate that? She was pretty bad to you juon the hone just then" He says things like, "well, she has always been high-strung" which I translate as, she is a spoiled brat who you have never said no to! But what I say is, "Well, OK, parents and kids can have friction, that is for sure, and daughters can be hard" just to calm it down.
I could fill pages with the times she has said and done horrible things, but really i just want to end this pattern without ending my otherwise great relationship. I can also get up and go in another room if she is here and says/does something horrible, but that doesn't really address it, just gives her satisfaction that she got to me. What are some MAGIC WORDS I can say during this visit (Easter weekend) to calm the waters but still not allow myself to be abused by this horrid adult Stepdaughter? I know I should get therapy for this but can't afford it right now. Thank you for sharing the fruits of your experience with me,
Stressing
How long will she be there?
Is it just one weekend?
It is a long weekend (5 days)
It is a long weekend (5 days) and I know what a wimp I am for being stressed about this, when I see so many heroes here dealing with hard, hard long-term situations! Hoping for the magic words. I see there are other socoments too so thanks in advance.
You know you said that out
You know you said that out loud. Why on earth does that matter to you so much? You might talk/treat to your dad like crap but it's unacceptable to me.
Really though, if your husband (DH = dear husband or dick head depending ) refuses to defend your role as HIS life partner, you are fighting a losing battle. Best bet is limit the time around her and refuse to play along. You know what her games is so don't play it. I'd also make my DH life hell for failing to protect me from her. Really bad choice on his part. I'd make it clear to him
Thank you!
Thank you!
She is staying at a hotel
Since per DH 'things are easing up' with the pandemic they can eat out. Don't cook. Join them once and let them figure out the rest of the visit. If she does come over say hello but then head out for 'appointments' or just go your bedroom with a 'headache' and read. Really if she's not staying with you that should make things much easier.
She sounds exactly like my SD24 Bratty McBratFace. Yuck.
Yes, the hotel will save it.
Yes, the hotel will save it.
This is good: I proposed we get a vegan pizza from a place nearby and sit out on the porch if the weather is nice; I like the idea of not cooking. Good idea to get out of the house or just excuse myslf (tiny house, but we do have the bedroom!) It will make it a lot easier; I also proposed the two of them go to our stat park for a hike, and DH said "but you'll come along too, won't you?" Almost like he wanted me as a buffer (????) from her? Yikes. I think I will let them go on that hike together.
Sorry about Bratty McBratface, but that is a great name. (I might steal it.)
So basically, avoid, don't confront, just be gone a lot. Thank you.
Buffer
Yeah I don't know why these DH's all do that. On one hand yes it's nice to be asked as you are his wife. On the other hand his SD is an unlikeable turd. You can always say you'll go but fake an injury the morning of :). 'Oh, sorry DH and snotty SD, I was so looking forward to this hike but I pulled my hamstring while sleeping. I insist you both go ahead as I would hate to spoil your day'.
No way I would hike with Bratty - that is way too much together time for me. Actually I need the buffer with her so a meal where SO can lead the convo is good for me.
Vegan pizza is good. Does DH grill? You can also get burgers/veggie burgers and let him cook them on the grill.
Grill: perfect; I can be out
Grill: perfect; I can be out at the grill while they are inside having time together!
Be careful
If you grill it SD will complain that it doesn't taste good. Set out some chairs in the yard for SD to sit while DH grills
Good point: anything I cook
Good point: anything I cook is by definition unacceptable!
Alo I laughed out loud at "pulled a hamstring while sleeping"--!!
"but you'll come along too,
"but you'll come along too, won't you?"
"Oh goodness, no! I wanted you two to be able to have quality time together without me getting in the way. After all, you have so little time together, darling."
"Well honey, I was going to
"Well honey, I was going to go w/ you but it's occured to me that she is here to see you and this can be that time you get to be with her alone to catch up. I've got x,y,z to do so it's okay with me if you two take a long day and go on that hike, go grab a meal out and have some Dad/daughter time. Don't worry about me I've got several things I can get done while she's here and that will give the two of us more time after she's gone. Enjoy your visit!"
Don't let him use you as a
Don't let him use you as a meat shield. Sounds like a great time for a spa weekend, visit to your sister's, anywhere but there. Win/win.
Sometimes you just need to channel your southern belle... You've been thinking & you want this weekend to go well, After all, you know how long its been since they had time together & how much he missed her. So you're going ____ .This way, they can have all their Daddy/daughter time uninterrupted.
Meat shield
ROFL! It is true - he will probably tell SD well I would go to your vegan restaurant but DW won't! Just say he's free to go on his own.
I like that: "You two go
I like that: "You two go right ahead---it is very fancy and you'll love the two bites they charge you a fortune for...it'll be great! Sorry I can't make it" (not). jUst trying not to snark back and the idea of "greayrock" or inner southern belle are good, plus staying away as much as possible. After all, Partner cannot claim a pandemic objection to me going out, if he is having her in our house fresh off two airplanes....
Great idea!!
Great idea!!
Accepting reality
At 68, your DH probably isn't going to change his relationship with his "high-strung" (his language for rude, boorish) daughter. She probably isn't going to change much, either. The only thing you can change is yourself, like removing yourself as much as possible from her presence. I dont know much about lupus but if it features attacks, I'd have one that weekend.
Otherwise, take Caninelover's advice and share one meal with them where you go full grayrock, ie, civil and polite but nothing further. It's great that your DH agrees that she will stay in a hotel, he undoubtedly realizes what a pain she is.
Never heard the term greyrock
Never heard the term greyrock but that sounds good to me. Hard to fake lupus attack but I guess I could "feel one coming on" (lol). I think you're right and he does not want to admit how awful she is, but sees it. Thank you.
Oh yes. Greyrock is your new best friend!
It's bare bones conversation. Weather, current events....it is not your relationship with DH, what you're doing etc. Very generic. If it were icecream it would be vanilla.
Read up on it if you're so inclined.
Identical situation here.
As you know after 16 years it won't change.
Stalkers have given you good advice which I will echo. THANK GOD she is staying at a hotel! I would suggest coming up with some sort of excuse every day as to why you can't join in, which will either get you out of the house or prevent you from having to participate in activities, meals, etc. You have an appointment, you need to visit a friend in need, etc. Heck, I'd even do a white lie if I had to - I have a single friend who is having minor surgery and can't be alone, so you will be gone all day and all night. Then, get YOURSELF a hotel room and binge watch TV!!
Thus far, my SD and her clan have not requested to visit us but I know that day is coming. I will plan to use the excuses above. FWIW, last time I was stuck visiting SD with my SO I made it a point to set up visits with friends and only participated in what I wanted - a brief initial visit (to meet Gskids for the first time) and then the final "goodbye" dinner.
I KNEW I would get great
I KNEW I would get great advice here! Thank you! The opening-and-closing event plan also sounds good. Hope your visit goes well and speeds by fast (or better yet never happens).
So, apart from "stay away as much as possible" (yes!): are there magic phrases when she gets horrible such as "Hmm, I'll have to think about that" or changing the subject? I used to try a sincere and pleasant "Oh, that must be so nice" when she would brag consdescendingly, but she began to mock it. "Nice? It's a lot better than nice but I guess you can't understand something this sophisticated" etc. Or maybe just smile and say nothing at all? That would be greyrock, I guess.
Suspecting that my effort to be pleasant and conversational and have a mellow time where everybody's getting along sets me up for her abuse. There is no one else in my life like this, so even though I'm old, I have zero experience with this kind of thing, and I get all flustered and upset. Which of course she loves. I had one pretty bad coworker who reminds me of "Anna" but avoided her and luckily went into another department. Never got good at dealing with her and an inner dragon deep inside wants to breathe fire on her and turn her into a pile of ashes, but that is not not not ok. The goal is peace.
Thanks again everyone: if anyone has magic phrases... let me know!
Changing subjects, getting up
Changing subjects, getting up to use the bathroom, feed the cat, take out the trash, whatever. If it gets really bad just say you aren't feeling well and need to go lie down. Best thing though is really say nothing. Say hello. If she asks how you are say fine. If she starts talking just nod but no need to comment. If she asks you any question keep your answer brief and provide her as little detail as possible.
Good luck and breathe. 5 days will pass quickly and she get back on her broomstick home!
"Nice? It's a lot better than
"Nice? It's a lot better than nice but I guess you can't understand something this sophisticated"
That's where you give her the kind of smile you give to a chld who is trying to look like a grown-up and say (the tone must echo the smile):
"Awww, bless."
And walk away.
I would be tempted to go full
I would be tempted to go full on smart azzz.. "Oh.. yeah.. your right.. I'm just now fixin to git used to this indoor plumbing thing".
Or a more admonishing
"well, then you must be a very lucky girl to experience it then.. good for you".
You can always calmly say things like
"why would you say that?"... "what do you mean by that".. when she tries to get smart about things with you.
But.. the obvious line is that you just want her and her daddy to spend as much of the quality time with each other without them having to share time with you.. it's only 5 days.. you can stand on your head for 5 days.
You could also do super passive aggressive things like buy a couple of vegan burger patties but a couple of big honkin juuuusy red dripping meat steaks for yourself and your DH..
Bacon!
I don't have to deal with full frontal rudeness, but sometimes I wish I did so I could go pedal to the metal.
I think a BLT would be great to chow down on while she has her plant based soy whatever tofu treat!
In my very humble opinion, I would let her rail at DH since he doesn't seem to mind. But if she whispered an insult aimed at me....let's just say you should watch some dressing downs given by Dixie Carter a.k.a. Julia Sugarbaker (especially if the Southern Belle route takes a twist- you can stay in character).
If she's rude, call her out with class "my, my, bless your heart! We MUST get you a copy of Emily Post, Dear ." Or "well, looks like SOMEONE didn't attend etiquette classes." Then smile your sweetest smile, dripping with honey and offer her some sweet tea, made with Stevia, especially for her.
As for the financial insults....well, just let her know its unfortunate her inheritance may be lacking since the funds just aren't there, but you're certain she'll make do, since she's such a strong character.
And definitely claim your space when you must be present! I honestly hope you treat your home as just that...YOURS. But when you're done, be off and take care of yourself!
I hope it goes by quickly!
but she began to mock it.
but she began to mock it. "Nice? It's a lot better than nice but I guess you can't understand something this sophisticated"...
"Well dear I'm not into that fancy stuff any more. We begin to appreciate other things as we mature but it sounds great for you"
or
"That does sound sophisticated, I'm more of a simple person. I prefer people over things"
or
"Oh yes, (laugh and nod your head here) I'm certainly nothing like you dear. But I'm glad you're enjoying your life style, it suits you so much better than it would me. Give me a group of friends and a nice day out, us simple folk are pretty easy going"
These are great comebacks! I
These are great comebacks! I love ths site. Feel so much less alone already. THANK YOU to all.
Sophisticated
I'd be likely to say "so that's what they're calling sophisticated these days....interesting."
Caninelover I am writing this
Caninelover I am writing this down on a small card and will keep it with me, sneak a look at it in the bathroom where I'll spend such a lonnnng time... hah!
Thank you---great advice. After Easter I'll write in and tell all the tales about it! Let's hope we all get a good laugh.
Good luck
And yes let us know how it goes!
Grayrocking
I learned this term on ST, you might want to search that term on this site and see what others have said. I have a high-drama bipolar SD and this has been a lifesaver. Phrases to use: "Interesting", :Hmmm", "Really?", "I'll be darn", "That's nice".
The essence of grayrock is to make yourself boring and give them little or no information because as we know, everything we say, do or think is dumb.
"well, she has always been
"well, she has always been high-strung"
"I don't think that word means what you think it means ..."
Princess Bride
Love it!!!
Ignore as much as possible
My exSD was/is just like this. Acting high and mighty but absolutely no manners. And mean. Like you, I Had tried my best to be nice and accommodating to her and it seemed as if it gave her permission to get nastier with each visit. I finally told DH she is not allowed in my home after she stuck her fat finger in my face and screamed at me. But I agree wiht the others. Avoid and ignore her as much as possible and strongly encourage 'together time' - just DH and her.
Oh man
Snotty adult SD's are total BP risers.
What I couldve woulve shouldve said...
" Go F yourself snotty SD"
" You really are vile so Id rather stick a needle in my eye than do anything with you"
"Passive aggressive is ugly on you"
Blessings on getting through a SD visit.
These kinds of stories make
These kinds of stories make me actually appreciate my SD. She drives me crazy but she is generally well mannered and is a good houseguest.
If it were me, I'd have a very frank but calm conversation with my DH, right down to the snotty, arrogant attitude she brings with her. Explain that you don't enjoy her company and you will not be subjected to disrespect in your own house, so best alternative is for you to be absent most of her visit.
Your DH can do the planning, cooking, transporting, etc. Emphasize that Snotty is there to see HIM, not you, and you will graciously remove yourself as much as possible. Snotty and your DH have their behavior patterns established and he can tolerate and ignore a lot more than you can. He hasn't demanded civility from her yet, so it's not like he's going to start now. She is vile, but your DH has allowed it. This is the result of his action (or, rather, inaction).
Start planning your escapt activities!
I agree with Merry.
You're all adults, so why play games? Be direct and matter of fact. Let your SO know that while you respect his relationship with his daughter, you're not willing to tolerate any more of her rudeness and hostility. Warn him that he'd better keep her in line or you will, and he won't like the way you do it. Make it clear that this is SD's last chance.
A lot of these toxic step dynamics continue simply because the players opt to keep up that veneer of social civility. But why? What is achieved by eating excrement? It only emboldens these stunted skids. I turned the other cheek for years, hoping things would improve, but people like our skids perceive kindness as weakness. Real power comes from having no f@&ks left to give, and it's liberating. You owe your SO's daughter nothing; you know you don't like each other and your SO is an ostrich, so handle your business.
......veneer of social
......veneer of social civility.
A polished turd is still just shiny shit.
The fairy tail about The Emperor's New Clothes has a great lesson on this IMHO. Just because a delusional facade of social civility is embraced, does not make the shiny turd under the facade anything more than shit.
That so many SPs stand around in their key life relationships willfully choosing not to put the spotlight on the polished turd, has always been mind boggling to me.
I would say the absolute bare
I would say the absolute bare minimum to the nasty SD.
When she talks about something, don't say anything, just nod. Or "mmm".
If she says anything rude, condescending and nasty, use "I" statements....for example,
"I do not tolerate rudeness. I am very disappointed that you choose to behave this way"
Then leave the room, and leave your dumbass husband and his ignorant brat to it....
Or... go full
Delivered with a condescending sappy sweet voice.
"Well bless your sweet little heart."
"Does someone need a nap?"
"Did someone get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?"
"Does someone need a hug?"
Let nothing go unconfronted. Keep SD and DH decidedly uncomfortable with your unflapable sarcasm, zero tolerance, and inescapable direct ass baring comments.
If either of then try to push back.... laughingly drop the "Well bless your sweet little hearts."
Lather, rinse, repeat.... Make the message clear. Buh-bye dipshits!
And another thing, tell your
And another thing, tell your husband no you are NOT coming along on outings with them to make it easier for him.
He bred the spawn, it's on him to deal with her. Plus HE has not made any effort to support YOU in your interactions with her.
Since she's a legitimate adult
Since she's over 30, she is a full grown adult and you don't have to play "nicey-nice".
One meal together that you don't cook. Tell her you know she's has food preferences that you and her dad don't enjoy, so you made her a list of vegan restaurants to try. If DH grills, just eat your food, smile and nod. Then maybe the tofu was bad or disagrees with you and you need to lie down for a while.
I work in Rheumatology, so maybe a lupus flare with joint pain...or maybe you're feeling more sensitive to the sun and don't want to develop a lupus rash/skin reaction being out too long. Lots of possibilities for escaping.
DH is a grown man, too. If he felt stressed then he must know you're stressed too, and this isn't even your problem because you've tried.
I hope we all learn together that it's ok to set and stand by our own boundaries.
I can't wait for the update!
"Wow, I would think someone
"Wow, I would think someone as 'sophisticated' as you would have better manners."
ZINGER!
Thank you!
Here are a few. Get creative!
"Do you actually believe your own bullshit?"
"You do realize that acting as a toxic little bitch makes you a toxic little bitch, right?"
"How about you grow up, do some reading, and get over your self-delusional crap."
"You know, for someone who can't afford their own place when they are on vacation you are a judgmental little POS aren't you?"
"You do realize that the extended family can’t stand you don't you? You should hear what they have to say about you. Particularly about how much better family holiday gatherings would be if you quit attending."
"You know, most toxic little shits grow out of it when they get to be adults. When do you think you will grow out of it?"
"What the hell could your SO possibly see in you, you toxic POS?"
"You were a horrid teen and you are a horrid adult. When do you think you will grow out of it? I for one can’t wait for that to happen."
"Just because it is Easter, don't expect any redemption until you earn it by becoming a decent human being."
And one to get a message across to DH.
"You know, I truly wish your dad had the testicular fortitude to have actually raised you not to be a toxic asshole."
Etc......
Savage as usual! Lol
Savage as usual! Lol
Ask SD to repeat what she said
And then say, "<Your statement that <insert SD snotty comment, insult or accusation> says a lot more about who you are than who I am.
Ooh, asking to repeat
Oooh asking to repeat is good. I love the arsenal I'm gathering up here. Grateful to all of you for sharing your hard-won experience. Now let's see if I can stay cool enough to actually put it all into practice, and not freak out. On the Tuesday after Easter, I will be here with the "deets" and I hope we will all be high-fiving each other.
Just breathe
Just breathe. You take take time to respond to her nonsense. Sometimes its more impact full when you wait a few seconds and gather your thoughts.
In addition to the armor and ammo, I'm sincerely sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry we all go through stuff like this that creates a need for a forum like this. But I'm grateful it's here!
Stressing, that is the hard
Stressing, that is the hard part, keeping your cool, I always think of the best comebacks AFTER the fact. Lol! In the moment I am in 1. Shock that anyone could be so socially clueless and rude and 2. Blood boils so I usually say nothing instead of something I may regret later
Then stare them down, take a
Then stare them down, take a deep breath and say, "I BEG your pardon? " It works in all situations, puts them on the spot, and gives you the time to think.
Love this and will try it! I
Love this and will try it! I am also gobsmacked that they could have come from DH's DNA. They look nothing like him but DNA tests prove they are his. He is generally a well-liked, respectful human who I enjoy so how did las diablas turn out so differently? Then I remember they are the crotch fruit of BM and it all makes more sense.
"Sugar it IS Easter...Have you ever wondered why The Good Lord
gave us 2 ears and only one mouth? Well let me enlighten you: it's so we can listen twice as much as we talk. You should practice."
If she's discussing a topic that's of little to no interest to you: "I really wish I could participate in the conversation, but I have absolutely NO INTEREST in ______. What I can tell you about is______"
If you don't want to answer:"That topic is off the table/private, and don't ask your dad. That's between US." OR "Enough about me, I want to HEAR ALL ABOUT YOU!" Then play 50 questions with her. Flip that damned script!
"Surely you realize I'm not obligated to respond to that type of question, and because of that, I respectfully refuse to."
Rhetorical questions are always a good way to divert the conversation. Also, depending on how it's framed, the "asker" is forced to think about why they're asking the question.
If she asks you anything about yourself (doubtful as self-absorbed people don't usually), you respond with, "Why do you need to know that about me? Are you writing my unauthorized Biography?"
If she tries to align herself with you, or find commonality between the two of you:"I assure you darlin' the only thing we have in common is we both sport vaginas. That's all I care to elaborate on in this regard."
If she implies she is superior to you where her father is concerned:"I smell cat urine. Have you been marking our furniture again?"
Wearing a crappy outfit?"I'm not so sure that's what the designer had intended, my pet, but the important thing is that YOU like it."
Petty remark? "Well, I'm obviously the only adult in the room, and that doesn't deserve any kind of response."
"I don't love you like your daddy does. It's a good thing for both of us you're not in striking distance. I'd start my rap sheet right here!"
Remember you have to look at her with all the enthusiasm of a house cat when you comment.
Your saving grace is she is NOT staying at your residence, and she will be at a hotel. You'll have lots of time to do whatever YOU WANT! Have fun!
Some early progress to report
Dear Wise Ones,
Last night had a gentle talk with DH about this, using your exact language, about "Anna's visit is to see YOU, so I'll generally be staying out of the way so you two can have some good catching-up time together." He then said again "Oh but don't you want to come along to the state park Sunday afternoon for a walk together?" Here is where lupus helped: "The park is really nice, and yes there is some shade, but by April 16th there'll be too much sun for me, and I just can't risk another flare, but you guys go; hey, you can pack a picnic for the two of you with stuff you know she likes! I'll get out the picnic basket and get it cleaned up for you to use." (Notice how I made it HIS picnic, that HE will cook and assemble. Once basket is out of storage and clean, it's HIS to fill up.) I have also planned errands for Saturday (I will drive realllllly slowly: yknow, there will be "a lot of traffic" keeping me out of the house a lonnnng time.)
Called a couple of friends; they've both got plans with their visiting family Easter weekend as I suspected. (Hilarious: one, who has met "Anna," when I said " "Anna" is coming for 5 days at Easter" screamed out OH MY GOD NO! NO! so loudly her DH and kid came running in, what, what? and said, get Stressing outta there, get her over here, which I might also do.) But these friends will each phone me that day, one in am, one in pm, and have "urgent personal stuff" to talk about; I will take the call, go to another room, turn on radio, and then say 'bye, but stay in there w/radio.
Also: four things I can repeat throughout the visit: 1) cleaning stuff, as you suggested; 2) weeding my shade garden, which will need it by then (I'm going to let the weeds grow as much as they like now, so they'll need a lot of time out there by April 14th); 3) I do embroidery for fun, and one great thing about it is, keeping head down, eyes on the threads; I can pretty much check out, think my own thoughts, and "grayrock" like crazy. 4)I have a stretching/mobility class that meets Saturday online and I can also repeat the past recordings (half hour recordings) maybe a couple of times a day, on laptop in the bedroom, as escape. Can also "not feel well" and go read in bedroom, as suggested here.
I have my cheat sheet of options ready now, to be folded in pocket for bathroom reading and courage-renewal when things get tough.
The sad thing is, what does she possibly get out of being so mean?? And it ultimately does NOT MATTER why. (The issue of DH allowing it is a separate and deeply infuriating problem. Maybe if he takes on the full visit alone, he'll see better, without others like me and his sister and his niece bearing the brunt of it...)
Anyway, you smart folks are awesome. THANK YOU. Will let you know how it goes after Easter. I hope every one of you has a peaceful, happy, relaxing, great time this spring, and that some miracle keeps every one of your adult SDs, Las Diablas, Bratty McBratFace, and all of 'em, far, far, far away from you!
You got this!
You got this! I know the struggle when you're feeling alone in the swamp, but she's coming on your turf so you play by house rules- your rules. You have home court advantage. Also, your DH can man up and entertain the spawn he's so excited to see! But it's not your monkey and not your circus!
Enjoy some "you" time!
Awesome plan!
You got this gray-rocking down! I think you've got a great coping plan. 5 days will go by quickly, and vent here if you need to! Good luck, rooting for you!
Great plan. Might I suggest that it include ... a spa day,
massages, mani, pedi, a trip to a nice arboritum/zen garden, some spendy shopping, a gourmet meal or two, and a "last minute" stay at a 5 star hotel/resort.
Enjoy!
I'd have some places to
I'd have some places to escape to if necessary. Check to see if your local library or gym is open, or some hotels have pool access for a small fee. Someplace to hang out and turn the ringer off on your phone.
SD22 Feral Forger is rude like that
but sneakier about it. Or she will just shun me...
Good luck - youve got some great suggestions on here
Id liike to add "call the b!tch out each and every time she attacks you".
This has been one of the BEST
This has been one of the BEST threads in a long while. No snarky , no put downs about not trying to pacify a rotten adult skid, just positive cheerleading. Just saying....
It's teamwork, Lol
It's teamwork, Lol
" ... you can't understand something this sophisticated. "
"Well I can certainly understand you."
Seriously I would not put up with this level of shittery for one second.
Co-sign the advice to leave them to their own devices. I'm facing a step visit myself this week and that's exactly what I intend to do. SS28 has arranged lodgings elsewhere and I won't need to see him for more than a couple of hours a day, relaxing in my own home and doing my own thing the rest of the time, while he and DH run around doing who cares what. DH has been such an absolute darling angel for the past couple of weeks that he's charmed me into committing not to giving SS28 the freeze and to preparing 2 of my very best dinners while he's here. Other than that we'll see. I expect SS will be on his best behavior as will I, but if he gets up to any shittery whatsoever all bets are off.
And again, I would not put up with your little bint of an SD's emanations at all. The nerve.