I miss having money of my own.
I'm 26 and recently became a SM. I'm starting to get really really frustrated. I feel that I'm spending every cent I make on the kids, and it's fine to help out! But I pay for EVERYTHING. The 5YO birthday is coming up and I bought everything for that. Christmas I paid for 90%. Food, pull-ups, shampoo, body wash. Food is a big one because I'm a small eater and spend almost 200$ a week PLUS on food for the house. Half the rent, all the hydro and the Internet. Is this normal? I do not have kids of my own and now I feel like I cant even have children because my current pay lasts 3 days after I pay for everything his children need. I need advice.
- taystay's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Why????
Why are you paying for everything? Your SKs have a mother and father...THEY are responsible for them financially. Time for a meeting with your SO/DH and FIX this mess. You are responsible for half of rent and utilities (and they are there full time, then you pay only 1/3 rent) and 1/3 of the food. He pays for his kid's expenses.
I'm going to strongly suggest you read as many of the posts here and advice. What you are doing is NOT normal and will cause you much grief.
Of course it isn't normal. He
Of course it isn't normal. He should be covering his kids needs so why isn't he? And it's not just the food - you're getting a raw deal on the rest too. Time to balance things out fairly. How often are his kids there?
We have them 50/50. But the
We have them 50/50. But the Stress of money that I've never really had before is making me hate life. I love my partner and the kids but I'm not used to this kind of stress especially not at 26.
Clearly you know that you're
Clearly you know that you're being exploited and you want out. Who in their right mind wouldn't? Call him out on each and every attempt at gas lighting. He thought you would be his sugar mama? Set him straight NOW. You are not there to pay his bills. He pays for his kids. End of story. His kids have two parents and you are not one of them. If he can't pay for his kids then he needs to get a second job. Would you pay for a neighbor's kid? Of course not! So why would you pay for any other unrelated kid?
My dear...HE has 50/50
Until married( not even then) you are childless and HE has children and custody.
HIS children/child support/ responsibility.
Repeat after me: he has children he has child support he has responsibilities that affect you.
He has HE has clearly stated the above through his actions. The children are his and you are to be used on their and his behalf.
Not normal. I spend $0 on
Not normal. I spend $0 on skid. Why are you allowing yourself to be used?
I don't know how to start a
I don't know how to start a convo with him without coming across as rude or unwilling to help with the children, I don't mind helping but I don't like I can't afford things I need because all my money is being spent faster then I make it.
Who is spending the money on
Who is spending the money on his kids? You? Then STOP. Tell him you've had some unexpected bills come up and you're out of funds.
If he is spending YOUR money on his kids, how is he getting to it? Does your money go into a joint account or does he have access to your account? If either is true, open your own account or remove his access to your account.
If NOT paying for his kids and talking to him about that causes you hesitation or fear, I would seriously question this relationship. I was in a relationship where the other person dumped me when they realized I refused to take care of him and his kids financially.
No! This is not your
No! This is not your responsibility! At least your SO should be paying half the bills and 100% extra for HIS child.
It is more common than it
It is more common than it should be (but I would not call it "normal").
"You have to love them like your own". "We are a family now and this is how families work - dont you want to be a family" "If you love me, you would help me" "don't be selfish" "you hate my kids"
Also agree with how was this all accomplished before you?
You call him your "partner" - I am assuming you are not married? (Hope not!) Your relationship should still be in the "honeymoon" period - everything great! The only person everything is great for is your "partner" - HE is making out like a bandit. But what are YOU getting out of the relationship? Love is not enough to sustain a relationship.
Serousiously, you are going to have to fight hard to get balance into this relationship, a d quite frankly, true balance will never exist.
My best advice is to move right back out and find a childless man to start a good and happy future with.
It's really not easy for me
It's really not easy for me to move back out. I moved here from 4-5 hours away, during this time my parents moved to a smaller home and the housing market where I'm from is insane. My old apartment was 1500$ all in and now goes for 2,500$ all in. I don't know anyone here. My S/O (yes unmarried) had a very good paying job but decided to leave and makes a fraction of what he did at the start putting a lot of pressure on me. I have tried to bring this up and he almost gaslights me with things like 'sorry im such a shit person just leave then break the kids hearts if im not good enough' and yes im aware this is almost abuse but I feel like I have no one and no where to go anymore and now that im far away from my family and friends im abit lost, stressed and very unhappy and I have no idea how to start a convo with him about this without being made to feel guilty. Sorry if this reply was all over I have alot to unpacked and just finally found a safe place to do so here.
Almost abuse?
This sounds like some pretty serious emotional and psychological abuse. You sound like a considerate and generous person. Your partner is taking advantage of that and using you.
Uhhh...NOPE! UNACCEPTABLE!
Put him on allowance!
Yup you heard right ...allowance....if he doesn't like it then HE AND HIS KIDS get to leave. Allowance AND a time limit to get a job. Again if not getting income by a specific deadline He gets to leave.
He gets a job he pays you back for all this months you paid.
This man is FINANCIALLY ABUSING YOU!( Look up some books on that see if he ticks any boxes)
House is in your name so see if you can get out of the lease. When talking to the landlord do it face to face and DO Not tell your SO.
How much did you and SO discuss finances before marriage?
How much did you and SO discuss finances before marriage? You said your relationship was long distance before you moved to be with him. It sounds like this may have been a quick relationship? If so, maybe you need to figure out what you really want and sit down for a long talk with your SO and explain to him your expectations when it comes to his children. Hopefully he didn't move you away from your friends and family so you could act as a mother to his children. They already have a mother and he needs to parent them when they are with him.
Being a step-mother does not mean you have any financial obligation to his children. It also doesn't mean that you have any parenting responsibilities, unless you want them. Read around this site and get a feel for how other people handle things - it might give you some ideas.
We were together around 8
We were together around 8 months so yes it was very quick and it seemed wonderful because I lived 4 hours away so I still had a balance that I didn't know I had. (If that makes sense) I had my friends, family and my job. I was VERY financially cautious and 'cheap' and always lived within my means but now it feels like I can't do that because I can't afford everything on my own and save. I just don't know how to start a convo about this without sounding rude
What's Rude....
about discussing finances? Seriously, put the emotions away and put the facts on the table. What does your SO contribute to this? Is he paying his fair share??? Would you room with another person and pay the majority of the bills?
While the 4 hours of distance gave you a balance, what you missed out on was seeing things as they are. I'll ask the question someone else has already asked....who was paying all this before you came along?????
He was. He has a very good
He was. He has a very good paying job after about two months of me living here he quit his high paying job and went down almost 5$ an hour LESS then what he was making before. I do make okay money as a PSW but not enough or I wouldn't of signed a lease in my name with what we make as of now.
I would rather get a roommate
I would rather get a roommate back where I used to live and not to pay for someone else's kids. Then you can save money and get your own place. Otherwise you'll be killing yourself while being used and abused by some jerk who fooled you into moving in with him. You're very young! You can turn your life around and get back on track. Please put yourself first. No one else will.
Your boyfriend pulled a big
Your boyfriend pulled a big bait and switch. He got you to move 4 hours under one circumstance and then changed his job and put a big burden on you. You shouldn't be feeling financially insecure because you're supporting his kids. That's his responsibility. He also sounds like he has abusive tendencies.
You haven't wasted a lot of time with him yet - even though it'll be hard initially, I'd strongly consider moving back to your friends, family and support system. Maybe give him a chance to correct things by having the hard financial discussion with him, and let him know that he is fully responsible for his kids and your money will be going into savings and retirement. You shouldn't be paying even 50% of household expenses, and nothing extra for the kids other than what you WANT to do and can easily afford. If he gives you any objection, abuse, gaslighting, etc., cut your losses and consider this a lesson learned.
Thank you
Thank you for the advice! I'm going to take this and run with it, thank you also for not making me feel really stupid for not seeing the red flags before I moved here cause honestly there really wasn't any that I seen.
This - a thousand times
This - a thousand times. After reading more details, and realizing you are not married, I don't see any reason for you to stay. Consider this a hard lesson and move on. There are red flags all over the place, and I agree that he is already beginning to abuse you both mentally and financially.
Just read your response - you were not stupid - you were in love! And hormones make us do things without thinking them through.
yes im aware this is almost
Not almost. It is financial and emotional abuse.
Yes, your parents have moved into a smaller home, but my guess is that if you told them what is going on, they would let you crash with them until you got a job in their area and found a roommate.
Open an account that he does not know about and start squirreling away money. Do not buy for the kids. Out of pull-ups, he goes to the store. Buy no extras food wise. Stop letting him gaslight you.
The one problem I foresee in leaving is that you signed the lease. Is he on it or is it just in your name? Talk to the agent and see if you can get out of it. Paying a penalty to get out of the lease might be a small price to pay. See if you can pay it in installments after you leave.
It's my name only sadly. I
It's my name only sadly. I didn't know you could get out of a lease!!
Getting out of a lease --
Getting out of a lease -- sometimes you can and sometimes you can't. You won't know until you ask.
Lease is in your name. Ask him to leave. Get a roommate (or two) to finish off the lease.
I'm not from here and I've
I'm not from here and I've only lived in this place for about 5 months the idea of staying in a town with no friends or support stresses me out
How long is the lease? One
How long is the lease? One year? After the lease is up, move home.
Look, don't feel stupid. Abusive people are NEVER abusive right away, or they couldn't "hook people". Be glad this guy started right after you moved.... he could have waited years and slowly started... or one you had children together. Once you are more fully enmeshed - married, kids, share property - it is more difficult to end things. I guess after you moved, and he got you in a financial pickle paying for HIS kids, he felt you were sufficiently "trapped" and he could show his true self.
For the time being - MAKE SURE YOUR BIRTH CONTROL IS IN PLACE! DO NOT GET PREGNANT!! TBH, birth control can fail (I had a tubal ligation and they grew back and I got preggs). Stop having sex. Have a conversation with him letting him know the financial burden is too much. Full stop. He MUST start paying his FAIR share of all rent AND utilities. ALSO he must start paying his fair share of groceries/household goods/toiletries. HE is FULLY responsible for his children's share.
With any luck, he will pitch a fit and move out. Perhaps find a short term roommate to fill the void? If not. Ask your parents for help. He is abusive, and they WILL want to save you from that.
Perhaps you can continue living together as "roommates" [with him paying his FAIR share] until the lease is up and then you can move back? Start saving money for that move back. Your parents may be in a smaller home, but they will gladly let you come home to get you out of an abusive relationship.
If he becomes unruly - CALL THE POLICE.
The apartment is in your name only. Most leases have clauses about people living there that are not on the lease. Perhaps you could seek help in having him removed from them?
He IS abusive. He IS using you. I highly recommend you not stay in this relationship, even if he "changes" for a bit. The "change" will be short lived, probably until he can further hook you.
Please look up the terms "gaslighting" and "love bombing". He will heavily engage in these tactics.
Also, we are all here to support you! Feel free to reach out to me via PM. I will listen and offer any guidance I can. You realized something was wrong and reached out for help and found it. Now it's time to act - you are stronger than you know- you got this!
So after you two got together
He quits his good job so you can pay for him and his kids?
No way to look at this as you are being used. There no way to talk about this he knows what he doing. He knew he could quit his job and you will take care of him.
You must tell him to pull his weight. You will no longer pay for him and his kids, Give him a month but make your exit plan.
you most like,y will have to used it
You are 26!
NFW.
You should not be spending money on the skids. Hell at 26 you shouldnt be a SM LOL Seriously hun. These should be the best years of your life. Going out, enjoying friends, SAVING money so you can go out and enjoy your friends.
Id say you are being used for your generosity, kindness, and most of all your naivety. Find someone free without skids. That would be most men your age.
Blessings
I know this is going to make
I know this is going to make me sound stupid but I didn't think it would be this hard to be a Step parent, I know now that sounds stupid but none of my friends were in the situation, many of my friends have started to have families but it's not the same. It sounds selfish of me because I want to go out and have a good time. Buy myself new things I want / need and now I feel like I can't. I miss small stuff like being able to eat when I want too cause the kids have very VERY little table manners and no matter what I do they don't learn or refuse to even try because mom babies them. Like I wanted crackers and hummus and HAD to eat cause I have to take food with my everyday meds and when I went to get a napkin the 5 year old stuck his finger in to try it didn't like it and dropped it upside down on the floor and I understand it's 6$ for it and it doesn't seem like a lot of money but ALL money adds up. I'm trying so hard to learn and make it work but I'm exhausted mentally physically and emotionally and I really needed somewhere to vent before I fully snapped.
You are not stupid! No one knows what they are getting into when
You are not stupid! No one knows what they are getting into when they become a step-parent. Read around this site, everyone is here because they are having issues being a step parent. It is much more difficult than anyone can imagine, unless they have actually done it.
You are not selfish to want to do things for yourself. If your partner truly cared for you, he would make sure that you were able to do things for yourself, instead of expecting you to financially support him as well as do all the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting.
And yes, a kid wasting $6.00 worth of food is a big deal...
Guilt trip
My life involves going to work for 5am getting home around 230 unless I can get some over time. Come home do some house work, laundry, dinner. Then do it all over again. I recently went home to visit down home as my parents are moving from my childhood home so I could help pack and the entire three days non stop texting... I didn't reply for 20mins as I was loading up the moving seacan things they bought for them and he assumed I was cheating. Called his sister saying something had to be wrong she contacts me and couldn't believe all of the freak out was over 20mins. I was expected to reply ASAP. Also he did not pick up the kids while I wasn't here and moved our time to have them for when I was home, he blames it on I accidentally took the car seats but his BM did offer him to use ours. I honestly think it's because I wasn't here to help with the kids. I also came home to no house work being done and he took a day off work because I got to? But I also saved vacation pay to make sure I could afford it. It's difficult at times because I love the kids but I feel like with how financially stressed I already am and BARELY making it as it is even with a job and my small business (making bath bombs and scent wax for burners) that I'll never be able to have my own until they are all grown and don't need as much money from us to live. I feel like im DROWINING everyday in bills and I don't know how to even start a convo about it with him without him just saying 'I'm sorry im such a shit boyfriend'
Girl, he is seriously
Girl, he is seriously emotionally abusive (along with financially abusive). Scratch what I said previously about maybe you can live as roommates until the lease is up. You 100% need to end this relationship ASAP and get him OUT of your apartment. Given the state of how things have turned out, I am going to guess no, but have you made any friends where you are?
You really need to talk to your parents. I know it sucks to have to share this kind of stuff with parents, but seriously. You went and helped them move - your family helps one another, yes? It is time to ask for help. Perhaps they can come while you break it off with him and he clears out? Or do you have a close friend(s) that could help? Perhaps contact a domestic violence office near you for support. What you are experiencing is domestic violence. It is not physical (yet), but could easily turn that way. Please be aware of that.
Can he leave and go stay with his sister? Parents? At this point, he just needs to leave. I'm not sure he could do a civil live together until the lease is up kindof thing.
Please be careful, as when you leave an abusive relationship, they tend to escalate.
HUN
You arent stupid or selfish or anything bad. Put that in your head.
Be 26 again, and live your life to how you want. You are too young to be this tired.
Live life and set yourself free hun. Youve got this
I also want to enjoy my life.
I also want to enjoy my life... these years should be our best time now, but it isn't and it's our own fault...
Reading these stories, makes
Reading these stories, makes me just want to hire a BIG TRUCK, drive around and pick up these women and take them to a place of financial, physical and emotional safety....
So many of the stories on here are similar. SAD, SAD and SADDER.
OP, you are only 26 years old. Your whole life is in front of you. Do not waste another minute of it on this selfish jerk.
"sorry for being a shit boyfriend" Ughh, what a manipulative asshole. But at least you can reply "yeah, you're right about that statement".
This site
This website has helped me so much to open my eyes, everyone is so warm and helpful! I was worried about posting on here thinking people would think I was stupid or maybe selfish and that it is my job to pay for these kids now. But reading other people's stories and hearing everyone's advice has really helped me stand up for myself and see that I deserve more then what I'm allowing myself to have. I'm way to young for this shit and I want kids all I've ever wanted to be is a mom and there's no one I could love enough to give that up for because I'm struggling to much to pay for the kids they had before that aren't mine. I told him last night that I won't give up the chance to have a baby for him so I can pay for his and his BM kids ! So either get it together and change or dont let the door hit your ass on the way out.
Y'know, even if he shapes up
Y'know, even if he shapes up for a while (I doubt he could keep it up for very long), I don't think this relationship is going to last much longer mainly because you must have lost SO much respect for him in the last couple of weeks. And when the respect goes, so does the desire ...
Desire
There's no desire at all. No magic. Dull dead stress. I my part not his! We're POLAR different people! I'm always ontop of bills they MUST be paid and when there behind I can't sleep at night. HIM?! Oh it's fine it will work out, WHAT?! Ya it will work out to be evicted, Internet shut off or power turned off. I'm so beyond behind on bills because he hasn't paid a single one since we moved in here. excuse? Child support. NOT MY PROBLEM. That's why I don't have children I know I can't afford them and I certinally can't afford them now. I cant deal with it anymore I really cant.
Do NOT continue this
Do NOT continue this relationship! He may try to shape up...just enough to make you think he has "changed". He will change just long enough to get you pregnant and "re-trap' you.
Just a minute... He hasn't
Just a minute... He hasn't paid a single bill since you've had this place??! Lady, this POS should be kissing your feet! And he says he's broke because of C'S? I thought he had his kids 50% of the time? This isn't adding up. How much is he paying? Not that it matters, he needs a second job to pay his bills not sponge off of you.
You are almost in the same
You are almost in the same situation as i am... Spending money for some one else child? It's like paying for neighbour2s child! Why? Now you might like them, after time you will start to hate them all...
What you found yourself is a
What you found yourself is a deadbeat dad that likely quit his job to avoid having to pay CS. He found you! His free financial guarantor, no need for credit. Loads of scum bag men stop working to stick it to their ex, especially men with manipulative personalities. HE should support his children, not you.