What do I do?
Hello!
I am back after a year or so. Things have been going great with me and DH. We are now expecting our first/my first baby. I took a break from our relationship to think and get in touch with my true self and to figure out what I truly wanted in life. I was having a full-on spiritual awakening, still am and it has been mind-blowing. Now I realize how my post may have been a bit much and that I came off as evil and mean because I was projecting.
I am back because I've found a healthy way to cope with the SD's and my issue is the oldest (his ex-wife daughter) has recently told me she loved me and I didn't know what to say. I think I froze actually, I feel bad because I don't love her in any kind of way I just tolerate her and I try to be a positive role model. I do love his bio-baby girl she is so sweet and innocent and I wish I could spend more time with her one on one but that's impossible with her older sister around. I just don't know what to do? I don't want to keep giving the other girl fake "I love you too's" when in reality I don't. I wish the best for her but I am not her mother and I have no attachment to her at all. What should I do?
Mind you I only see them every other weekend and they spend thanksgiving break with us as well as some weeks in the summer. I've set healthy boundaries and decided DH can discipline and find someone to watch them because they're his responsibility. I play fun stepmom now I do nails, hair, give advice, and cook with them, I let them vent and leave it at that. I know this post is all over the place haha hopefully you all can give me some insight. I don't want to be mean to her I just need something else to say besides fake "I love you too's" because I feel personally feel bad saying it back. I can't just ignore her because then it'll have her brain running and I am sure she will question if I love her or not. Do you all understand what I am trying to say? -Sigh-
You say it back. She is a kid
You say it back. She is a kid. You always say it back.
You don't have to mean it, you never have to say it first, but alway say it back.
Okay
Okay, I understand where you're coming from but I don't think lying about how much I love her will do her any good. I would like to say something along the lines of "I care for you too". I genuinely do care for her wellbeing, I just don't love her. I don't want a relationship with her in any kind of way when she gets older. I don't want her to keep coming to me for advice I just want to be a good role model and that's it. I feed her and clothe her and we get along and have a nice time. I don't want to fake the funk.
There are many kinds of love.
There are many kinds of love.
You love your own bio children.. maternal love.
You love your spouse.. romantic love
You love Hot Fudge Sundaes - indulgent love
You love mankind - and this is the one you could be using in your mind.. it's not a lie that you love her... then is it? You care about her... it's not the same level of love and commitment to your spouse.. but she is a human being.. you can love her for her being a living child.. and it doesn't have to mean that you love her in the same way you love your own bio kids or spouse... or even hot fudge sundaes.
I kind of agree with
I kind of agree with returning the sentiment even if it isn't the same words...
Back at ya kid.... ditto... "how sweet thank you"... even saying the "love ya"
Because she is a kid with a crappy situation.. and sometimes we just fake it till we make it. or say nice things to someone because it means a lot to them... it probably means a lot to the 9 yo.
and she doesn't grasp the full measure of those words anyway. She likes you.. she appreciates your involvement in her life..she wants to be cared for.. all wrapped up into her "i love you".
How old?
How old is your SD? Just like justmakingthebest stated, always say it back even if you don't feel it. I would love to hear my SD say it to me, but that will never happen. I love my SD but I don't like her attitude what so ever. It will cause more damage if you just are cold with your SD especially when they are expressing nothing but love toward you.
I'm not cold towards either of them
I'm not cold towards either of them. His bio daughter is 6. His other daughter is 9. I've said it back but it just doesn't feel right with me. I am sure she will be able to tell I am not genuine especially when the baby comes and I tell him how much I genuinely love him. I stated that I play games with them, do their hair and nails and they help me cook I also let them vent and express themselves to me and I give advice. There's no coldness going on at all lol.
I meant with
I meant with the "I love you too's" How about another one? Like when they say it, what about "Ditto" I am not sure if that will hurt their feelings, but it might make you feel better about it?
Yes that sounds good
Yes, that sounds good. That's exactly what I meant like something else besides "I love you too". Ditto will work perfectly. Thank you.
Welcome
You're most welcome. That's actually what I say to my Bio dad, because he hasn't been a part of my life for the most part and I don't feel that love like I probably should. So I always respond with Ditto.
Hun
You can always reply "to the moon and back" then give her a hug. She is 9? As much as it doesnt feel real, this girl is wanting love back. She wants to feel wanted. Dang I wouldve killed for that when I was a SM. Saying I love you can mean so many different things to people. "to the moon and back and I love your warmth" Give her something , she needs it.
Blessings
She is a child
She is pushed into a world where she is developing. There is no harm in telling the child you love her. She should be treated equally to avoid problems with her own well being. She will not know, if you are kind to her, there is no problem.
Your relationship does not have to be different.