Feeling unsure

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I have been with my BF for 6 months. He is quite the guy, college educated, has a good job, has his own home and he is so sweet. His personal life on the other hand is interesting. He was married and had 2 girls. Then they divorced, got back together (not married) and had another child and the EX is about to have baby #4. He didn't know she was pregnant untill we were together for 4 months. She withheld it from him, untill it was visible; but that's another drama.

I have recently been introduced to the three girls. But I have come to realise that my BF doesn't have custody agreement and visits the children at the EX's house almost everyday. I was not okay with that and we discussed it and he went to th EX and asked for them to have an agreement of sorts, so he can take them home. She agreed because my BF made it sound as though he was helping her out as she is pregnant. The kids came this past month twice. It has been horrible with the yougest who is almost 2. She cries till she falls asleep when the EX is gone and refuses to eat. She even turned down ice-cream, instead she sat on my BF lap untill she fell asleep. It broke my BF resolve and he took them back before the first night. The older two do not cry, but they talk about mommy and their new baby all the time.

To be honest seeing her pregnant and my BF as a dad I feel so out of the picture. Now he thinks the youngest is too young to be away from her mother. So the next weekend only the oldest two were supposed to come alone. When it came night time they freaked out because they weren't going home. Eventually they calmed down and had a FaceTime with their mom. I can't shake the feeling of seeing him with his girls. I can tell he really loves them.

He still goes over almost every eveneing to see them, which I hate. The 2 days per week agreement still hasn't solve that. They are just so closely intertwined because of the age of the kids plus the new baby. I just feel like I'm an outsider into this family; but he has my heart. Is it worth it? I also do not want to take away his dad moments but I can't help but feel jelous. What are some boundaries and comprimises that you guys suggest? As well as how to discuss this with my BF without making him feel like it is an ultimatum?

This guy isn’t ready to be

This guy isn’t ready to be dating, he’s got too much unresolved stuff, including a baby on the way. I’m not one who says don’t date separated men, but let this one go, for your own sanity.

That's just it, I have an

That's just it, I have an soon to be 11 year old who has come to admire him greatly. DS's own father lives far away and he only sees him twice a year. He really spends time with DS, practise baseball with him and such. I will be probably taking that away from DS. That is how we even met he was one of the organisers of sport camp my son was in.

But he's only known your BF

But he's only known your BF for 6 months, if you've only been dating for 6 months. He'll get over it, really - he will. And you can find a man with no kids, or fewer kids, or at least one who is divorced and ready to be with you.

He's known him longer. He is

He's known him longer. He is an organiser of a sports camp DS does every year. And he was absolutely devastated when his dad moved away. It will defenitely affect him. I'll put him in counselling.

There is no

There is no reason for this to be a major dramatic breakup. You have only been dating for 6 months. Wouldn't it be a good thing for your son to see a healthy breakup where 2 adults just decide that circumstances are not right and agree to part as friends? Not only would he have something to model for his own relationships, the example that not everything has to end with drama and chaos, but then he can still be comfortable having this man as a coach/group leader in whatever organization he happens to be in. Seems like a win for everyone.

Maybe it would be best to see

Maybe it would be best to see how he might be able to see his own dad more, rather than find a replacement?

Agreed

I am not trying to replace

I am not trying to replace his dad. But DS, has feelings, he doesn't want to be the only kid who doesn't have a dad to go to baseball practise and so on. His dad isn't going to be able to come to these practise and games because he has a job. He does speak to his dad daily but it is not the same as him being there. He is at an age where he wants to be a boy and I am no good at sports. But I do try but he can tell I hate it.

This Man Is Not Your Son's "Dad"

It seems appearances are a big thing for you. You go to your son's games, you fill in the gaps. That will be best for both of you.

My kids' father was seldom around due to work. I took on so many roles in order to "be there" for them. I am not an athlete either, but I coached many sports, led many organizations they were in, and supported all of their extra curricular endeavors.

To this day, they remember the time I made for them. One reminded me recently of a little picture I hung on the wall in our home. It read, "You spell love, T-I-M-E."

He already has 4 kids

A man who already has 4 very young children, may not have the time or the energy for your son.

Your son will be DEVASTATED

Your son will be DEVASTATED to lose a man that has been playing daddy for only SIX MONTHS. BUT the man's bio kids are just supposed to adjust to all the changes you want put in place.

You're setting yourself up

You're setting yourself up for misery, you know.

He's not ready for a

He's not ready for a relationship and he's still too tangled up with his wife. This is unlikely to end well, and the longer the relationship goes on, the harder the eventual breakup will be for your son.

Welcome! And are you willing to really listen?

So often newcomers arrive at this site, ask for suggestions, get REAL and HONEST advice, and then never post again.

First of all, your BF is not available to you. Period. He is a family man with four children he is responsible for. If he is so intelligent (college educated) he should NOT have been sleeping with his ex wife without practicing birth control. The fact he went back to his ex after divorcing is another indicator that he is NOT over his relationship with her. Having not one but TWO children with her after divorcing is pretty clear he is still very connected to her.

Secondly, you have a son who should and MUST be your primary responsibility. You are failing him if you have set your son up to get attached to this man (as a father figure) when you have so many doubts about the relationship yourself. You have identified that you are feeling jealous of your BF's kids. That isn't going to go away. You hate he spends time with the kids, yet you know that isn't going to change, either.

Bottom line: Get out of this relationship NOW if you care anything at all about your son, not to mention yourself. Six months is a blip in the trajectory of life - you will get over it.

Thanks for you honesty. I am

Thanks for you honesty. I am not jealous of his kids. I am jealous of all he'll do for his kids, as a mother of a son whose dad won't put it all on the line for him. DS is at a stage where mom alone doesn't quite cut it. He doesn't want to go to prcatise with me because all the kids bring their dad's. He feels left out, and my BF really alleviated that.

But you are right, I needed to have thought this through and be realistic. I didn't really have all the facts though, I didn't know she was preganant untill 4 months into the relationship. That changed things, we had a discussion after the news but I guess it wasn't based in reality.

I have been with my BF for 6

I have been with my BF for 6 months

I would not let it hit 7 months.

So read everything above. He

So read everything above. He doesn't seem ready, and an actual Co needs to be in place. Also a two year old will adjust. Promise.

But side note with the kids tlaking about "mommy and the new baby." SD6 and SD10 are primarily with us, have been the whole time, she ditched over a year, months and weeks at a time. Only now does she have regular visitation, and that's because she's being bribed. In summary, She sucks as a mom. BUT, she has a baby. Kids find that interesting, kids like to hear themselves talk, also BM has likely forced the thought on them that it's THEIR baby too. (I know ours did) So we hear about mommy (though never anything she's done for or with them) and baby twilight all the time. Kids just talk to hear themselves talk sometimes.

I think the fact that he goes

I think the fact that he goes over to her house daily to see the kids is very telling. They are not done with being married. My SD was 1 when DH and BM separated, 2 when DH and I started dating, they never once made excuses to visit each other’s homes.

I’m sorry, and I can’t be 100% sure, but I’m willing to bet your man is doing a lot more than just seeing his kids and helping BM out in the evenings.

How did SD react at that age

How did SD react at that age at being separated from her mom. His yougest is 1 almost 2 cries, she hasn't warmed to me at all. She cries everytime I hold her. If the 2 days a week agreement could work for her; he wouldn't go during the evenings.

SD was a happy kid, she had

SD was a happy kid, she had issues going to sleep sometimes, most kids do. She really liked me. My DH also wouldn’t be caught dead chilling with BM in her home, because generally when you break up with someone spending time in their presence is extremely awkward and something both parties avoid at all costs. He would take SD out and about to the park or out for ice cream and then bring her back if that was the case.

I started dating my boyfriend

I started dating my boyfriend when his youngest was 18 months and he had an extremely hard time adjusting. He would scream for months and didn't sleep the first 6 months or so of him being with us. He only came on the weekends too. it depends on how the child is being raised by the mother. My boyfriend's kids were used to sleeping with their mother and the kid was still breastfeeding at night so he wasn't ready at that age to have overnights without her. To this day he is still traumatized from staying with us overnight too early. He's almost four and doesn't scream anymore but I think he has some attachment issues. We tried 50/50 custody and it didn't work for him. I've noticed most children are struggle being apart from their mothers until at least age 3.

So knowing that now, how

So knowing that now, how would you have done it differently to allow your BF to see his son without overnight stays.

The mother dropped him off

The mother dropped him off during the day to visit while he had his other children but then would pick up the little one instead of sleeping over.

The period of time that he

The period of time that he did overnights without her only lasted about 3 months. We tried it again when he was almost 3 and he still struggled but it wasn't as bad.

Yeah but this kid, cries just

Yeah but this kid, cries just turning around and not seeing her mom. Interestingly enough she was also breastfed as well. I will probably suggest that she stays during the day and leaves during the evenings.

Her mother is her primary

Her mother is her primary caregiver so it's clearly too stressful on the girl at this point.

So what is your solution then

So what is your solution then?

Have her come for a few hours

Have her come for a few hours a couple of times a week.

I agree

Him being at the EX house every day, or any day, would be a problem. They are not done with each other. How would you like your EX visiting you everyday. Something is going on between them. He not ready for a relationship with you or any other woman. I can’t see anyone putting up with this arrangement.

He must choose one woman, for a relationship to work. He also confusing his kids. What not good. You must end this relationship, or he must end the relationships with the EX. It’s just can’t go on this way.

As in him getting a CO in place and stop seeing his EX completely, And I am sure they communicated all day long ? He has to basically go cold turkey with the EX. As a drug user must go cold. Turkey

Thanks, especially from a

Thanks, especially from a male perspective. I will defenitely be bringing this up to him later. The toddler will adjust eventually if he is serious about our relationship he will enforce the agreement already made. We also need to come up with a realistic plan once this baby comes.

My boyfriend was almost

My boyfriend was almost exactly in this situation. He and his wife split and he didn't find out she was pregnant with their 4th child untill much later. He was also in a relationship at the time with his other ex. I honestly think it was a rebound for him. He ended up having two kids with her and I think the timing was really off. I think you're making a mistake by trying to make this work. There's too many conflicting emotions that are going on with him. My boyfriend told me he experienced them himself by at that time :/.

Also, your son doesn't need to be involved in this. It's setting him up for potential heartbreak. This isn't a stable situation. I understand that it's hard for him being separated from his father, but maybe you and his father and arrange more visits for them and calling every day, facetime etc. Trying to give him another male influence isn't the answer unless of course his father is MIA or unstable in some manner.

Perhaps in the future you and your boyfriend can be together once all of this is straighten out and he has some time to process the end of their relationship.

I didn't really have all the

I didn't really have all the facts though, I didn't know she was preganant untill 4 months into the relationship.

So 4 months into the relationship and here you are another two more and you are making excuses as to why you can't walk away from this???

You and your son don't have to lose his friendship but as far as being involved in a relationship with him that would be showing your son that relationships with no boundaries is ok and it isn't. Your BF is still tied to this woman more than he is with you and you'll always be placed in the back burner because he has too much going on that he hasn't figured out yet. He should have never entertained a relationship, seeing as to how enmeshed he is with BM. Really reconsider your future with this man, its not like you've invested years and even if that's the case it's not worth your sanity and being placed last.

There are so many WTF

There are so many WTF elements to this sitaution that your continued presence in this relationship is mind boggling.

"Quite the guy"???? How so?

Lets disect this. His personal life cannot be separated from the professional, financial, and education portions of his life.

Who knows, and more importantly, who cares about the details of his personal life other than the obviouse that he is "quite" a dipshit when it comes to his breeding habbits and selection of the mother of his children. If you continue with this relationship, on any level, you will be stuck with the effluent of his shitty decisioning capabilities. That can't possibly be overcome by the rest of him. Not a chance.

Too Much Baggage Here, And If This Should Work Into Something

long-term, let's think about it in terms of practicality.

1.) Child support payments (& possibly alimony, depending on your state) will be horrendous for years, even decades to come. Allthe college and nice jobs in the world soon will not matter.

2.) If he's going over to his "wife's home" to see the kids, trust me, it's not over.

3.) Your son deserves better. If this materializes into a marriage between you, your son WILL ALWAYS take the backseat to his girls. Skip on over to the "Adult Stepchildren" section and just see what people go through.

4.) So many couples get so excited to "have a baby" right away. Maybe you're not, but should you be, are you ready to share your children with his? He will suffer from "daddy guilt" and play "Disney Daddy" to his kids, while yours will be who he sees daily. There are horror stories about this in the "Adult Step" section as well.

You only have ONE child. Run. This is far too much baggage for someone in their late 20's or early 30's. I know you will find somone who doesn't put you through all of this mess, and believe me, YOUR SON WILL GET OVER THIS. It's only been 6 months. Pull the plug ASAP. Most of us are older women who have life experiences. Please! Run!

" Your son deserves better.

" Your son deserves better. If this materializes into a marriage between you, your son WILL ALWAYS take the backseat to his girls. Skip on over to the "Adult Stepchildren" section and just see what people go through."

Your son SHOULD take a backseat to his kids as far as the BF is concerned. Just as his kids should to take a backseat to her son. It's common/natural for step parents to concern themselves with the needs/wants of their bios over their SKs.

Run

How do you explain to your son that your boyfriend is expecting another baby with another woman, in addition to the 3 he already has? I mean. You should end this. Show your son you are a woman to be respected.

Way too much going on here!

Way too much going on here! This is not fair to any of the kids involved. Your bf is giving his kids false hope by going over to his ex's house every night and playing family and you are giving your son false hope that this guy is going to be a father to him. What is the reason his bio dad can't spend more time with him, out of curiosity? Everyone works so that can't be the only reason. And the ex is pregnant?! I'm sorry, I can tell you want this to work but this just sounds like a miserable situation.

He supposed to see his dad 2

He supposed to see his dad 2-3 times on alternate years for holidays and 6 weeks during the summer. His dad moved away for work. The problem is DS had a chamionship tournament last spring, his dad promised to come to the chamionship game if they made it. I told him not to promise DS that he'd come. Of course his dad did not come, he said that the timing was inconvinient. Then this summer DS was to go to his dad. His dad emails that he wants to take DS 2 weeks later than the designated time because he and the family are going on a summer vaction without DS. After months of me and his dad telling him he will see his dad on a particular day. I bought the ticket for DS to go and everything. His dad didn't even have the sense to not post about the trip with his SO and other kids and stepkids. So DS was devastated, he was the only child between them not there. I sent DS to a summer camp instead that my BF was organising. After all that DS was devastated.

My BF really takes time out for DS, takes him to ball games and goes to his events. He keeps his promises to DS. He did this before we were even a couple when DS wanted to quit playing, he would come over on Saturdays to take DS to the park to practise every week until the season was over. That's what really made me love him even more the way treats my son.

I understand the heart break

I understand the heart break that your DS suffers at the hands of his BioDad. My SS had the same crap from his SpermIdiot. I also understand your heartbreak and disappointment for your son.

The SpermIdiot, nor anyone else in the SpermClan, never showed up for any of SS's special events. Not his HS graduation, not his graduation from USAF BMT, not any of his promotion ceremonies, nothing. Ever.

I never missed a thing. Even to the point that I flew half way around the world to be at his HS graduation having to cut an international project a few days short to be there. I finished the project early and jumped on a plane in order to be there for my son's graduation. The SpermClan never has even sent a card.

Your DS is blessed to have you and your BF in his life.

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