Would u do it??
Forums:
Hi all. Has anyone gone through years and years of stress and arguments? Have u ever felt to the point where u can't take anymore? Thats where I'm at.
I'm burnt. I need to check out.
But what if...you gave your ex a chance to speak , with the kids , all together, hash everything out? Honestly and being vulnerable. Would u do it? Thats where I am.
My husband is very hesitant but also curious at the same time. Its been 8 years of drama and now they all want to meet. Should we just say f it and do it??
it depends but probably not
This is just my opinion, but it depends on how this approach was made. I am assuming from your post that they contacted their father asking to meet for a big “hash out” session?
Prior to this request, have any of them made any contact with him, any attempts to connect with him or with the two of you? In a peaceful, friendly way? Have they included both of you in this request or just their father? Are they open to a neutral third party overseeing this meeting – a counsellor or a mediator?
If not, my gut instinct says they want a giant bitching session preferably without you so that they can try to browbeat their father with his many wrongs and outline all your deficiencies and why their problems are all his/your fault.
Don’t do it. Every honest word you/he says will be taken down, (twisted), and used in evidence against both of you forever more. If they are serious, they will agree to family counselling or mediation.
I would step back and
I would step back and disengage. There's no reason you should even have to do anything with skid. When skid is in the room i do something to keep myself busy (this is where finding a hobby comes in handy). I rarely speak to sd...
I suspect this will be an
I suspect this will be an opportunity for the SKIDs to blame you and your DH for everything and to try and get the two of you to accept the blame. I certainly wouldn't go.
What exactly is ther to "hash
What exactly is ther to "hash out"? What kind of changes do you expect or hope for? I don't see this ending well. Your SDs are in their teens and are going to jump on the opportunity to blow you out of the water. If you truly want to talk things through with them, do it via a professional, a therapist who specializes in step families.
I agree with this, several
I agree with this, several times me and DH tried to "hash things out" with sd. Usually ending with us apologizing for her not feeling comfortable coming to us with these "feelings" and telling her ANYTIME she feels she isn't being treated fairly to come to either of us and let us know.
To the very next day with the same behavior. And years later is gotten worse... and yes, she is absolutely treated fairly, always has been. She actually gets treated "special" because everyone walks around on egg shelf around her to just "keep the peace"
Ah....The Family Meetings
Been through enough of those to know it doesn't work. I was involved in a few and purposefully absent for most. And that led them to say their famous comment...."Dad is only telling us these things because you make him." If this was a meeting they were hoping to "find peace in the family," then why weren't you contacted? Or, why wasn't that explained to your DH? That's what people who want peace do...come to the offending party and say, "hey, lets hash this out and find peace in our family." Not some open ended..."hey, we want a meeting." If anything, your DH attends the meeting. It's his kids.
The fix in my life? A complete disengagement from DHs kids. He sees them on his time, away from our shared home. I stay out of it.
Nope.
Nope.
Who is "they"? the skids?
Who is "they"? the skids? BM(hell no).
What are the issues specifically that are causing friction? doing the math, these kids are now 16 and 14ish years old. They are old enough to speak for themselves at this point.. and while I think that generally clearing the air can potentially work in some cases... it can also end up being a big "blame fest".
I guess in a way, being a "good parent" is like being a good manager. It shouldn't be a surprise to either party what the issues are and how they could be worked on.
But, what do you think the issues are? Do you think the kids feel you overstep and shouldn't be telling them what to do? Have you been the one to push for more rules and chores in the home? Do they think that their father has abandoned them in any way?
Oh hell no.
The odds of success are slim to none at best, and zero with years of re-energized toxic drama at worst.
The best predictor of future behavior/performance is past behavior. It is the rare toxic POS that will leave a fully open vulnerable hash it out session with an epiphany that they will stop being a toxic POS. These types consider honesty to be a sign of weakness and a demonstration of kind-hearted vulnerability as an opportunity to advance their perceived position of righteous though delusional and toxic dominance.
Better to continue to smack them about the head and shoulders with the facts and enforce a position of dominating aggression in response to any crap they pull.
Lather............ rinse................. repeat.
Take care of yourself. Protect yourself and your family from the failed family genetic refuse and any toxic Xs. There are any number of reasons why you are at the end of your rope.
IMHO of course.