I lost it emotionally over the constant stress of sds
I lost it last evening.
I've never done this before. Idk what came over me , I just snapped, crying, screaming and ran in the other room and just stared at the wall almost like I was in another world....
I think I mentally can't do it anymore. I cant handle the constant fighting , drama , she said this she said that crap. I blocked them all a long time ago but now sd16 is calling her dad again "missing" him. Miss him?? Shes been blocking and unblocking for 4 years now, bad mouthing us to the whole family, told her therapist twice that we abuse her, constantly lying. Recently sd14 has jumped on her train with all the drama.
I truly have tried to check out but every time one pops up I rethink of all the damage and hurt sd16 has caused, now most recently turning the in laws on me(I've been around for 10 years and always got along with them!).
I just feel so angry and idk how to contain it anymore. I start therapy next week. I need it. I have a 2 year old I need to be mentally well for.
For those who need to completely check out and stay away from stepkids for their own sanity, how do you deal if your spouse sees them outside the home seperate? My husband says he wants to eventually but is afraid to upset me. Afraid it will cause more tension and stress between us and in our home. Hes very angry himself. They all refuse family counseling and of course plays the "i didnt do anything" card. I would never tell him not to see his kids, but I fear when he does again, it will trigger me all over again. I did so much for these kids, I mean I called them my kids for a long time. My hurt for the loss of them has turned into rage. They wsnt everyone to hate me and begged my dh to divorce me. They have both demanded to see "ours" 2 year old without me. What next will they say/do when they get him alone? I told him he cant tell me anything anymore, but of course apart of me will want to know whats being said. He says he will never let either speak ill of me and has told me he Will cut them off if they can't respect his wishes. He saysss this but he's a softy. I dont understand why he woild even want to see them until they agreed to therapy. The constant fighting and disrespect. My heart races so bad because I cant stand it anymore. I need peace. The only reason I'm starting therapy is because of his family!! I have no other issues!
tell DD to see them outside
tell DD to see them outside of the home away from you and your child, and NO you will NOT expose your 2yo to that toxicity. maybe when your child is older, like in their teens daddy can take them to go see them. but just know that if you leave, DH will have them in the home together for full on weekends with oout you to protect your baby
Dang
This sucks. I feel your pain.
Its sad that the people who need therapy the most are the ones who drive us to therapy. Ironic isnt it?
For now keep your baby away from this toxic mess. Surely your DH cannot argue that this is healthy in any way especially for your lil one. Disengagement will be your only way. Although its mentally tough to be able to close off and not know whats going on. Its like having half a DH. He has one life with you and your bio, and a seperate one with the toxic terrors.
Blessings and I truly hope you get the peace and guidance you deserve.
Very ironic! I just want to
Very ironic! I just want to move past this anger and just accept it. I want to be mentally well and happy. I cant tell you how many evenings and weekends have been ruined by negativity with them. I remember when their mom would call myself and dh almost daily complaining while one of them was crying or screaming in the background. I cant imagine living in that home of constant chaos.
I wsnt my home to be safe and happy. Not perfect but my daughter deserves different/better.
GOOD for YOU
That you are going to a therapist is the best thing. And I get the anxiety - SD2 feral forger is always just outside of things and pokes DH occasionaly. And then theres the Toxic Troll Bm, always there in the background.
The anxiety and melt down was
The anxiety and melt down was so extreme. I actually feel embarassed. How hysterical I was. But maybe I needed to let it all out.
I've learned to recognize my
I've learned to recognize my anxiety attacks before they get too bad, and my therapist taught me this box breathing, inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and repeat it 4 times at least....
My anxiety attacks are bad, so bad that once I tought that I was having a heart attack. we were at a water park in front of everyone, I thought I wasn't breathing (I was inhaling, but I thought I wasn't getting oxygen, I don't know how to explain it better lol) they took me away to the "nurses station" in a wheel chair...in front of everyone... I was humiliated!!! luckily weeks later DH got to experience the same thing... he was driving with SD in the car, and thought he was having a heart attack... SD is always involved with SOMEONE's panic attack over here
I can understand you asking
I can understand you asking that he not have kids in your home that have caused damage and made false CPS claims against you.
But, did your husband have his custody visitation stopped by the courts? Or did he just choose to not see his minor children.. that were what.. 9/11 at the time? maybe younger? (not totally clear on that timeline).
He could have still seen his kids and maintained contact outside of your home the past few years.. and honestly, I'm a little surprised he wouldn't have tried to do that if it were legally possible.
And... if you love and trust your husband.. you have to let him make his own decisions when it comes to his kids.. and whether they see his other child. You don't believe he would put your 2yo in a dangerous position do you? if his kids were to start up with lies and accusations against you.. he would shut it down?
Of course, he honestly should start more slowly with them and he should see the logic in not immediately bringing your 2yo into the mix right? it could be confusing if things don't work out well with them.. to have sisters one day and not the next week.
So,even though they have hurt you and you are angry at them.. they are still his children and he should want to have a relationship with them.. so I would not do anything to make him feel that he couldn't see his kids... but, I think asking to see how things progress for a while before he would introduce your 2yo to the mix would be a reasonable request.
this! I PUSH for DH to see SD
this! I PUSH for DH to see SD as often as possible, so that I at least LOOK like a supportive spouce, even if the THOUGHT of her brings dread! She's horrible... she's never made false allegations of abuse. but she is a complete liar, and tries to turn DH against everyone in the house, maybe in hopes that he will leave us? not sure, but if I at least show that I support him, that I am not going anywhere, but that I want HIM to have a relationship with his kid, that he'll continue to see me as not the drama... which I'm not, it's just that I could really care less about DH's relationship with his daughter, she's a horrible person, and doesn't care about any of us, only about herself, but I'll act like I do... because I care about DH
Looking back 10 years ago
Looking back 10 years ago when I met all 3 of them, I messed up. I befriended bm. Best friends actually. We spoke and co patented more than dh and her. We made plans, we worked together well. Then things went sour about 3.5 years ago when I got pregnant. Bm suddenly hated me with no explanation. Blocked and ran away for years.
Dh hasn't spoken to her since. She blocked him as well. Sd16 stopped coming over around the same time. Sd14 stopped coming over about 6 months ago but she has always been coming. I was always proud how she would think for herself, not gossip and just enjoy my 2 year old. She was there at the hospital when she was born. Im quite surprised how she turned on us because she was so in love with her baby sister. I thought, but was clearly wrong, that sd14 and I had a tight bond.
Theres been a court order but both girls would block us and come when they felt like it. We never blocked them. My dhs attorney said when they hit a pre teen age you can't force them to come every other weekend and Wednesdays as court ordered. So there's that.
Of course I trust my husband, but he doesn't even want to see them right now with their most recent scandal of lies. He told me eventually but he's so angry he isn't right now. His choice this time. And I would not want my daughter around children, family or not, who have zero respect for me as her mom. Plus like you said, I will not have in and out sisters in her life. She has family she constantly asks for and she remembers. I will not let her heart be broken by them like they have done to us. Maybe in time things will play out differently but its just a mess right now.
Ok... so, the bottom line is
Ok... so, the bottom line is that if HE doesn't want to see them.. that is 100% his choice.
BUT.. you need to tell him that the reason can't be, even partially, because he is afraid of upsetting you. Did they hurt you? yes.. and does that mean you need to forgive and forget? NO. But, you understand as their father, he has an obligation to try to have a relationship with his minor children. It doesn't have to include you.. but he should try to see them outside the home himself... he really should be doing that if they are willing to meet.
BUT.. until such time as his relationship with them has stabilized.. he needs to hold off on bringing his younger daughter on these meetings.. for now.
And.. it's hard, but try to remember they have a mother who has likely made a lot of this happen.. they were just her puppets to an extent.
100% bm. We know this. Hoping
100% bm. We know this. Hoping in time they will both think for themselves.
My dh says he will contact them and see them outside of the house, eventually. Says he too us angry right now. Just 2 weeks ago they called every family member of his one by one making up outrageous lies getting them to blow us up all upset. Hes allowed to be upset and give distance. He told me he will talk to them in time. Thats on him. Im not going to tell him when ,he will decide that.
I just can't understand these
I just can't understand these posters who tell the OP that she should let her husband take the 2yo to see his daughters, trust him to shut things down bla bla bla...
No. Not until the toxic twosome have had intense therapy, apologize for all the trouble they have caused, and demonstrate that they can be kind and respectful to their Dad, and the OP.
Even then, it would be hard for the OP to trust them, after everything that's gone down.
Exactly. Trust. Completely
Exactly. Trust. Completely gone. My husband doesn't trust them either! And I lost count how many times both of them have blocked us on and off refusing to talk or visit...this started way before I got pregnant and mom allowed it, lawyer said you can't force preteens and would be a waste of money in court.
If your husband doesn't trust
If your husband doesn't trust them then why would he take your 2 yo to see them?
I think that the perspective isn't so much that "you should let your child see her siblings" as.. "your husband has an equal say in who he introduces his children to" That might mean that he wanted to or is ok with doing it.. if that is the case, you may have to accept that it's his right to do that if he wants to. You may detest his mother and not want to see her but he may love his mom and want her to know her grandchild.. obviously.. if there is a danger to your child seeing someone.. he should be just as aware as you are of that risk and wouldn't take it with his child.
You say he doesn't want to see them now. I think you need to back up your imagination of all the scenarios that could play out.. you may be angry about the past, but you are enraged at the what ifs as well. If he is a good partner, he will tell you if and when he is ready to try to speak with his kids. He will tell you if and when he thinks he is ready to introduce his youngest again. These aren't things that can or should happen in a piled up rush. He should approach them in a measured and cautious way given their past behavior. Don't worry about your child seeing them now.. that's not even the issue really.. the issue now is when/if he want to even see his kids.
I think you misread. Both
I think you misread. Both stepdaugbters have asked to see my bd 2. My husband has not responded. He has not asked me or even talked about the meeting because he doesnt think its right to not include me, his wife, and ignore my requests of not having bad influences around our child. We are a team. If he had very good reasons for why our daughter should leave her mom at home to a lunch to see kids who have intentionally caused harm to me and our family, id listen. But theres no reason.
Each marriage is different, if thats how you snd your spouse work and it works thats great but neither of us would disrespect each others wishes. He doesnt want to bring bd2 to see them anyway!
I did not misread.. I know
I did not misread.. I know they asked.. but them asking doesn't mean that question is one you have to answer now.
If he doesn't want to see his kids.. doesn't want to take your BD2 to see them.. then you don't have a problem really... it won't happen if he doesn't want to do it.
I think it would help to give these people less space in your head.. you are upset about their request.. even when their request hasn't been granted.. your DH won't even respond to them.. it doesn't sound like there is much chance of them getting what they want..lol.
I'm just saying if you think he is not having a relationship because of your feelings.. but may really want one but be afraid of your reaction...? that could set up resentment.
He says he wants to connect
He says he wants to connect with them eventually. They are not deleted for life in his mind but just a lot going on currently. I am afraid of more issues since oldest one has been calling the last few days.
I don’t know why he’s blaming
I don’t know why he’s blaming the SD’s for his lack of strong relationships with his own family members. His family members are adults who are able to think for themselves. They’ve turned on you and cut you off because they wanted to. It was their decision to distance themselves from all of you, just like it’s your husband’s decision to distance himself from the kids he’s still responsible for.
I absolutely agree that it’s not necessary for the SD’s to have a relationship with your daughter and I don’t know why they would want to. There’s nothing to gain here, from either party. The SD’s don't need a relationship with your daughter and your daughter doesntt need a relationship with the SD's. SD's would be better off working on the rocky relationship they have with their father first, since I think that this is the crux of most of these problems and this is what they really need. it’s both BM and your DH that have allowed all this to happen. Even if your DH has been mostly passive all this time, he cannot be let off the hook because passivity can also lead to a lot of resentment, issues, hurt and misunderstandings all of which you're now facing.
Oh I agree. His parents and
Oh I agree. His parents and sister didn't even bother contacting their own adult son to get his side. Just immediately believed every rant they had to say. Its quite hurtful to both of us because before this we all got along well. I've learned to let it go but what infuriates both of us was their intentions of those multiple phone calls. Was it to try to get them to pick sides? Yes. Was it to try to get attention snd plot family against family yes. This is one of the many times they have both gone out of their way to start conflict. Sd16 was suspended 3 times last year for fighting. Sd14 has been homeschooled for 5 years for guess what? Fighting!
EXACTLY this!
EXACTLY this!
Passivity contributes enormously to situations like this.
OP has said her husband is a "softy" so I can imagine him NOT shutting the girls down when they behave badly.
Gemini is right about the husband's family too. It was their decision to turn on him and the OP. The OP has no control over that. I understand how upsetting it must be though, especially since she says she previously had a good relationship with them.
I agree. Hes not perfect. He
I agree. Hes not perfect. He doesnt know what to do or handle all these situations especially because he has no contact with their mom. I think he should do counseling with just them, definitely need a professional involved.
My Story
After 12 years of dealing with toxic behaviors that were damaging my health, and a final humilating event, I completed disengaged from DHs kids (all adults now). He sees them away from our marital home. The first visits were a bit hard....lots of triggers for me along with a lot of built up anger and bitterness...those first visits did not end well for DH at home (I've apologized). Lots of personal and marriage counseling brought us through a very hard time in our marriage but boundaries were set there and they work. His last visit...and entire week.....went fine.
Along with DH seeing his kids apart from me, he really does not share anything of their visits or conversations. I just don't want to know as nothing they say will change my mind on my stance. I've been very clear...the ONLY thing that will change my mind is CHANGED BEHAVIORS. I don't "spy" on them....don't care what they are doing or saying. My DH has some ownership in this mess from his Disneyland dad parenting and his avoidance of conflict and never dealing with his kids' outright horrid behavior with me.
As for your young child, no way in hell would I have ever let my young child around DHs kids. In our situation, DH and I have raised kids completely different. I have two adult kids who are hard working, responsible, respectful and giving humans. DHs kids are takers, lazy, work only because they have to and look for a way to get over on others at every opportunity. While I will agree DH worked away from home for most of his first marriage (and ours really), he still let his kids be impacted and raised by a woman who clearly had mental issues. So, if DH and I had children together, there is absolutely NO way he'd take our kids around his without ME being there. And that would end the request from his kids. A hard NO.
I seriously don't understand those who are suggesting you let him take your 2 year old to see his kids....kids with horrible behaviors....that WILL impact that 2 year old. Stand your ground. While both parents should be protective of their kids, sometimes parents are blind to their own kids' shitty behaviors. That's when the other steps up and protects.
Disengage from those SKs....let your DH manage his relationship with his kids from a prior marriage the way he sees fit....and keep open communication as to raising your two year old together and be clear why you don't want your 2 year old being around dysfunctional teenagers. Good luck.
My situation is a little different
I'm 77 and SD is 60 but I recognized myself and my reactions when I read your post. My SD has lied about me and to me, has tried to turn my DH and everyone else against me, stolen from me and is an all-around toxic person. Like you, I once considered myself almost a parent to her. She's in therapy and has been for years, unsuccessfully since she isn't truthful and has no desire to change.
DH had her coming weekly to help with yardwork but now its winter and we have a yard guy for next year. So there will be little reason for her to be here. He sees her outside the home to give her $ once she blows thru her monthly disability. I dont object to him seeing her, but I don't want her here. She occasionally calls me, just needs a set of ears to listen to her whining. Most of the time, I don't answer. DH knows how I feel and seems to understand. I'm civil and polite and guarded.
I wouldn't let my little child be around them for awhile. Perhaps as everyone matures, you'd reevaluate. Good luck.
Yeah that was bad
but you need some kind of outlet. From your story, these sd's are horrible and some of the inlaws are also horrible.
Best to get the mental health help you need, and keep your DD away from those trolls. They dont get better over time (SD22 has gotten MUCH worse over time. Shes blocked) they will probably get worse. Although they are in the thick of teen years, I think that POSSIBLy SD14 MIGHT go a better path, just keep her away while she figures things out with DH. No need to rush things.
Are you feeling better now?
Yea just feel embarassed. My
Yea just feel embarassed. My melt down is not me or anything I've ever done. But clearly those emotions had to come out.
I start therapy Tuesday and truly looking forward to it!
There's a lot going on here.
There's a lot going on here. It wouldn't hurt for all of you to get some counseling. I don't mean you going to counseling with the SD's, I mean you individually and maybe you and your husband. He could use some himself, and later on with the SD's if he wants to resume a relationship with them at some point. You don't have to be involved with them at all. Forgive but you don't have to reconcile. Some people think that if you refuse to associate with someone that you're unforgiving or you hate them. Not true. You have a right to associate, or not, with whoever you choose, and you have the right to protect yourself and your child from toxic people. In-laws are a lost cause given the history with them and your husband. It's him they have an issue with, not you. If he was married to someone else, they would treat her exactly how they're treating you. They would still have an issue with you and badmouth you both even if you rolled over and did what they wanted. They're just toxic people. Who needs them?
We set boundaries with my MIL and some family had a problem with it. She wanted to be my children's mother and be able to override both me and my husband. They had a problem with us allowing my mother to babysit and acted like we were letting my mother do whatever SHE wanted, which was not true. My mother has always respected us as the parents and did what we asked. But SDIL lied on my mother just to stir things up. As a result, dh's younger nephew called him, they had it out, we cut him off. Haven't spoken to him in a few years. We tried to let things go with SDIL but I couldn't. Things came to a head, SS had started showing that he's not any better than SDIL, as he's just a two faced liar like his she devil, I mean wife. We quit talking to them. Older nephew has been a flying monkey, I'm sure he thinks it's all me, I don't give a rat's behind what they think. I've already pretty much cut him out in my mind. Dh says once MIL passes, he's done with older nephew too. They only communicate concerning MIL and her care. She's in a nursing home now. She learned to respect our boundaries but I doubt the SS and the two nephews will ever learn. The cut off was pretty much mutual so hopefully we won't have to worry about them bothering us.
I find it funny how they want to blame me and act like I'm controlling dh just because he isn't doing what THEY want him to do. Hmmmm......
My husband would leave 11am on a Saturday and be
Home around 7pm after his meet with skids driving 2+ hours to pick them up then another 2 hrs or so dropping them off and a few hrs eating lunch. i was home caring for a 1 & 2 yr old and he never thought about me, buying takeaway or if i was hungry knowing full well how busy i was with our kids.
Next day sunday he's playing golf. During weekdays he left for work before 7am and often home 10pm onwards.
i lost it with him after 2 of these visits and made it clear he had no business pissing off for a whole day with his kids from exwife (2 were adults, 1 a teen) when he couldn't make the same time for our kids going through developmental milestones and required his presence more.
it wasn't fair that our kids never got the same time with daddy, that we were treated as a substandard family.
hubby realised by the 2nd visit that he came home to an angry wife. This was aggravated further by me telling him one particular week it was flat out university assessments all scheduled and i had an online exam to do on Saturday so he needed to be home with our kids so i could focus as we lived outside the city in a small town.
hubby left early morning to play golf before i woke up, didn't get home till 8pm when i lost my shit and asked where the bloody hell he was. Told him he needed to come home now or i was done with him because i really was. He came home and i went into a bedroom and locked the door. It was upto him to figure the kids out. That night he slept in the guest bedroom and not our master bedroom. I was furious with him. I grew a real backbone and found the courage to deal with these issues and not be treated like crap over 3.5 yrs ago thanks ti steptalk.