Want to disengage but SO angry
I (F45) have been with my fiancé (M52) for 10 years. He has 2 daughters (27 & 31) who I have had mixed feelings about. The older one I kind of liked but we weren't overly close-friendly but didn't talk a lot. The younger one-shes fake nice but has pulled some really dramatic fits. For example a few years ago we were on a kayak trip & DH & i capsized. I almost drowned and my face was cut up and bloody. She and her friends pulled over and waited for us and we floated up. Her friends freaked at the blood but she had gotten mad at her BF and sat on a rock pouting. After I got kind of cleaned up I was about to panic & wanted to leave but she refused to get back in her kayak, still pouting. We left but DH felt bad, pulled over, walked back and yelled until she got in. We had bought her a car 2 weeks prior and, as she continued to mouth and yell and scream as we floated, I told DH we should take it away from her but she was quick to tell me her name was on the title. We called her mom to come get her (she was 23 but we decided she must be drunk or on something cuz her behavior is so outrageous.) When we get to the boat ramp-remember my face is bloody and I had almost drowned-she starts SCREAMING at DH that he "ruined her life". (He adopted her and her sister-his ex's kids from previous relationships.) She had to be physically restrained by her stepfather from attacking DH. The following days she refused to apologize and they didn't speak for 6-9 months. She would send long pontificating texts about her emotions-trying to get him to beg to see her and then saying she wasn't ready to see him. I didn't speak to her for 2 years and she never apologized to me.
This lets you know what she's capable of. Six mo the ago she and her sister got mad at DH and refused to speak to him. DH cares for his very impaired elderly parents and it takes a lot out of both of us. Those 2 SDs wouldn't help with their grandparents-go visit them, call, take them to appointments-even though the grandparents took them in and they had been very close. In the 6 months the SDs weren't speaking to DH, they never once called or visited grandparents. We let them know that their grandfather was getting very ill and we didn't think he would live long but still they didn't call. The younger one carries on about how close she is with grand up but she didn't even pick up the phone. Grandpa died even after asking for her, she never even texted him or made any contact including on holidays. So not only did she not support her father trying to take care of the grandparents, she wouldn't even visit her dying grandfather. The older one is still soaking but the younger one seems apologetic to her dad--but not to me of course. And I'm not ready to forgive her just yet. She likes to do this emotional blackmail, withhold communication to get her way and it bit her in the ass this time, since she sulked so long her grandfather died and she can't fix that. I think those two girls are old enough to help with the elderly parents and I resent the hell out of the fact that our lives are put through hell with DH family, and those two won't help. All they do is create more drama when there are real problems going on.
DH wants me to build a relationship with them, text them at least once a week, and not criticize them ( to him.) I want to disengage. I really don't wanna put up with their crap and I don't wanna relationship with them. At least not right now. I haven't forgiven them for kicking their father when he was down, dealing with his parents. The older one didn't even text him sorry for your loss when his father died! We haven't heard from her on Thanksgiving or Christmas. The younger one didn't even wish us a happy Thanksgiving or have a happy birthday until grandpa died.
I would say that you can only
I would say that you can only do the third one - not criticize them to him, provided he doesn't allow them to have such a huge effect on your life. You are not obligated to try to build a relationship with them or text them weekly (?) when they treat you like garbage. My SS is almost 22, I've been in his life for 12 years, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've texted him myself. DH is their parent, you are not. You are only "Dad's Wife" and as such, have no responsibility to be anything other than civil and respectful to them, and then only if they give you the same in return.
It’s your choice
You don't need his approval. But I would not announce it. Just keep your distance. Don't go out of your way. Be civil. My SD blew us off for Xmas. She stayed at DH's old house 2.5 hrs away after not seeing us for 6 months. She is staying at that house for the week after driving in from quite a distance.
i am known for cooking and baking everything from scratch. When his kids have come to the house they eat like kings. Now DH tells me they will stay over one night this weekend on their way out of town. I will not food shop, cook or bake anything while they are here. Of course clean sheets on guest bed tube that is it.
My thought is not change who you are, or how you give to others, but change who you give to and put your self out.
This, absolutely ...
... except I wouldn't even put sheets on the bed.
Lol. Wicked!!
You are too funny. I did prepare DH by telling him I am acting like a diva this coming weekend. Laying on the couch watching Netflix drinking champagne and reading. I have slaved away cooking and baking to my hearts content in 21 but I need a rest. But the message will clear to his daughter. No ain't that special kid!!
Thanks, but ...
... I was serious. DH and his crotchfruit would have to figure out my linen storage system for themselves, or possibly dig sheets and pillowcases out of the dirty laundry hamper. No way SS gets to enjoy any fruit of any of my labor, not even the labor involved in tossing something into the washer and then moving it to the dryer.
Sometimes I shock myself with how mulish I can be when aggravated. Look up "passive aggressive" and I'll be pictured there with an evil glint in my eye. Not even kidding!
I would say polite and civil
I would say polite and civil is all you can promise.
ETA asking you to text them weekly is ridiculous.
These girls are vile
Disengage. Disengage. Tell DH you need to be respected and when they cannot even respect him. It will never happen for you.
My MO
Civil and superficial. That's what I'll be if I ever become involved with DHs kids again. As it is, I had enough of their toxic behaviors and haven't seen them in 4 years. Anything required to facilitate a visit with his kids will be done by DH. Cooking, cleaning, etc. There will not be any overnights in our home so no worries about sheets. LOL
Even before I completely disengaged, I can count the times on one hand I texted any of DHs kids or vice versa. No one dictates who I have to be in relation with....including my own DH. If his adult kids want to be in relation with me, then THEY need to do the work. Same with you with your SKs. Time for them to step up.
Good luck. Never fun when you are dealing with crazy SKs; even worse, when they are grown ass adults.
You're all adults, and adults
You're all adults, and adults get to choose with whom they associate. It sounds as if your DH's daughters don't want a relationship with you, and you don't want one with them. This is okay, it just doesn't fit your DH's happy family fantasy.
Look, you know what's real and true. You know your DH's daughters resent your existence and interference. You know they manipulate him and play games. So, play some chess while they play checkers. Assume a little victim status and bring out your DH's protective side.
The next time your DH presses you to engage, try being honest with a dash of vulnerability. Remind him that his daughters don't want a relationship with you; that they've MISTREATED you, so you don't want to be HURT again; you need time to HEAL, and TRUST needs to be rebuilt with a pattern of APOLOGETIC, HONEST behavior on their part. You dont want to come between them, so youre GIVING THEM SPACE. Only a brute would continue to press you in the face of such emotions, right? What a sweet, caring wife you are!
Your DH wants you to have a
Your DH wants you to have a relationship with his kids because that's the easiest thing for HIM. If you participate in the care and feeding of a relationship, then he doesn't have to carry the whole thing.
But neither you nor the daughters want to have a relationship. The reality is that your DH is responsible for his own relationship with his own children.
This is a good riddance that they have disengaged thing.
Bask in their absence.
smh-
If I had adopted these POS spawn, I would have the adoption reversed and demand that my name were removed from these POS spawn of hell.