I dont know that I ever got past my resentment of SD60.   I'm disengaged after many episodes but because she is still so present in our lives, its a challenge.  If I didnt have to see her or if I never heard her voice, the resentment might fade more.  But she's somewhat financially dependent on us then, of course, we had the infamous car incident recently where she totaled her car, had let her insurance lapse and DH had to buy a car.  

If you find out how to make the resentment go away, please let me know asap!  For now, I don't say her name, I dont ask about her and I try to limit the amount of headspace I give her.  Good luck.

I don't think resentment goes away unless the person is gone from your life completely. 

The best you can do is keep yourself occupied with other things to distract yourself when you start to feel resentful. If you start ruminating on your resentful thoughts make a conscious decision to go somewhere else, or do something else. Go read, do a hobby, solve a puzzle, distract yourself and get your mind focused on something else.

Unfortunately, at this point this is something you need to resolve from within.  You can't control what she says or does.. just your reaction.. and expectations.

It goes without saying that your expectations should be fairly low... nothing expected.. any pleasant behavior is a bonus right? You also know to arrange it so that you have an easy escape.. perhaps having to run to the kitchen to check on dessert.. or get a round of drinks.. or go throw up.. haha.

You can excuse yourself when the calls come in for "privacy"... there are lots of little ways to avoid exposure.  

and the most important thing is to repeat that this person has no power over you.  the opinions of someone that you don't like don't matter.

So you dont ruminate on all that toxic energy. I know what Im talking about because I too have SD22 Feral Forger. I too was made to feel bad for existing. FF is also right now no contact with DH and has recently sent me nasty texts that I "took her father away from her". I suspect she was a mini wife in the making. And didnt like it when he started parenting her.

SD22 Feral Forger has no drivers license and no job, and isnt taking college classes. But somehow I have become the source of her issues.

Gray rock her. Absolute minimal polite interaction. When DH talks about her, noncommittal "hmm", or "oh really?" or "wow." Do nothing for her. If you've tried having more of a relationship and her behavior prevented that to the point where she makes you physically sick, it's either that, drive yourself crazy, or leave the relationship. 

Getting rid of resentment. While I've tackled the bitterness and am at peace with my life, there are times a bit of resentment shows up. My counselor said it will probably always be there because the damage that was done is not reversible. I'll never be considered a step grandparent and will never share in that joy with DH. DH will travel alone and we will be separated for the time he visits his kids (across the country). So many impacts that affect me/us because of his kids craptastic behaviors. Let me add, I have not seen DHs kids in soon to be 4 years, all are adults and DH manages his relationships with them with zero input from me. 
 

"It is what it is" has become my mantra and I've learned this is a powerful mindset for those of us in recovery from StepHell. Acceptance of what has happened, redefining some mindsets, and finding joy in living - that's where I'm at. What could have been has been "buried with a detailed headstone" that I can visit in thought when needed. 

The book, Forgiving What You Can't Forget, has been instrumental in my healing. It's Christian based so not for everyone but I do think the strategies could be used even if read from a secular view. (Not pushing my faith, just sharing a resource). 
 

The journey has not been easy. Hard work with my therapist and with DH. But life is better once bitterness and major resentment can be put to rest. 
 

Best to you. 
 

Mine is gone I think.  I removed SS and his wife from my life and it is so much more peaceful knowing I won't have to see them at holidays and what not.  I could still run into them in public but I can ignore them.  

The best thing I have found to stop repetative thinking is to live a rich and fulfilling life. I enjoy my friends, family, and personal interests. I'm fortunate to have a DH that supports me enjoying my own independent interests. We are great when we are together and great when we are apart. The best revenge is a life well lived. Little misses comes back and whines about how we are always doing fun things. We are and it's so much better now that she's off at college and not here to spoil it or cause drama. As far as getting over resentment ... Even when SD's make a effort, the effort is minor, loaded, half-hearted and seems to have an underlying spin of manipulation thrown in as icing on the cake. I'm a very straight forward person and have zero patience for passive aggressive, phony people who lack self-awareness to even realize how sh*tty they are. Some people say you have to forgive to let go but I don't really have a desire to stop being resentful nor to forgive people that aren't sorry and continue to do the same nasty things. As long as the resentment doesn't get out of balance and become consuming it's welcome to stay with me and have a home in my headspace. I make it a nice, comfortable, cozy (metaphorical) place for it where it sits back and observes with amusement the dumpster fires that SD's (and sometimes BM) create.

Minimize her effect on your life as much as possible, and accept that you can never change the situation. The only time I feel angry nowadays is when SS21 ignores DH on Father's Day, which he has for 7 years running. Of course, I'm lucky because DH doesn't want much of a relationship with SS either, so I don't have to deal with him very often. 

Your blog is so incredibly sincere, and dead on for me, for all of the same reasons!  The manipulation, the ostracizing the passive aggressiveness.  After a while, it just grates on you.  The best thing to do is to surround yourself with good friends and family who actually love you and enjoy your company.  Stay with people who uplift you! 

However, I would be lying if I didn't tell you that after three decades of having the SDs in my life, I still get physically triggered by hearing their ringtones and seeing their names on our call display.  My heart races and my head spins with feelings of uncontrollable anxiety.  I actually begin to tremble inside and I jump away from the phone as if it's about to explode!  (that's not a joke!  I'm surprised that I haven't taken to hitting the floor and hiding behind the couch yet. lol).  All of these reactions happen during one minute of rings!

I used to answer the phone, but I got tired of hearing YSD's nasally voice or OSD squeaky voice saying nothing more to me than, "Hi, is my Dad there?"  Never, "Hello, Birchclimber...how are you doing?"  You know.  The common courtesy that you would use when you call your doctor's office or your plumber or your lawyer.

Correction:  When they were going through their divorces and had no one else to listen to their laments because they have no friends, they would talk to me.  But when they settled into their new lives, I was on the outside again.

Now, when they call, I let them leave a message or I immediately hand the phone over to DH (and that's IF he says that he'll take it!).  Sometimes, even he has to brace himself for the drama, I guess.  A lot of times he lets it go to voice mail and says he'll call them back later.  This gives me even more anxiety because I just want him to get it over with...Whatever it is! 

I always hoped that this reaction to their calls would subside as I aged and mellowed, but in some ways, it's gotten worse.  We go long periods of not hearing from them, and those are peaceful and calm times.  We become spoiled by our serenity.   Then, they call and breathe their darkness in through our telephone receiver, filling our home once again with their toxic fumes.  It's like the air in our home becomes impure for a while once they breach our atmosphere and suck out all of our blissful clean air, trading it for their venomous verbal pollution. 

I have learned that taking a nice long walk or jumping on the tread mill works wonders for re-regulating my body.  It seems to calm me right back down.  The part that I find absolutely astounding in all of this is that no one, and I mean no one, has ever had that type of effect on me!  I was in business for many, many years.  I had to deal with an entire range of different personalities and no one has ever triggered me the way that my SDs do.  I really believe that Stepmother's do suffer a type of PTSD as the result of all of our dealings with these Skids. 

If this bothers us so much, why stay, why live the life of misery? I understand that it's easier to stay and love is strong but sometimes love is just not enough. My resentment should be focused solely on DH but it's equal towards both DH and SD and even though I have tried so hard to get past it, it's just not happening and if anything it's getting worse. Life is so short, I don't think dating someone with kids or maybe just daughters is right for me anymore. I also have kids so I understand how hypocritical that is. Even at the beginning I gave pause because I never wanted a man with kids. I thought it might be nice and work out and all could get along well but it's just a toxic stew. The day I met SD he called out hey honey look at this and I looked over (we had dated about 6 mo before meeting) and then he said oh no haha not you, I am talking to SD and my stomach dropped.

She hung all over him anytime we went out anywhere and to this day still does. He loves it and won't get near me if she is near. She jumps on his back at age 16 and horses around in pool, clings under his arm and nestles into his chest when we are waiting in line anywhere and glares up at me while doing so. It just skeeves me out so bad. They often intertwine fingers and walk like that being all weird when they have to let go. He has sooo many pictures of her in every room but zero of us and never even worried about wedding pictures while ordering custom frames of him and her instead during that time frae. Is this normal father and teen daughter behavior? My family has also pointed out that he seems overly obssessed and touchy with his daughter.

That is hard to let go, especially when there is no resolve. Especially when no one had your back when shit hit the fan.

I wish I knew how to let go. Its about as hard to let go as daddio and daughter enmeshment. The problem festers, grows, continues. Even with disengagement resentment will fester until you find a way out of this thinking.

Its tough, I am years after the fact and my blood boils on some of it. What helps is to retrain your thoughts onto the good. If you figure out how to do that let me know.