In the cycle of abuse.  SD is mentally ill but he does need to tell her OK, sorry you blame me.  I still love you but can't continue to live in the past.  Good luck and good bye'.  But he needs to be willing to let go which he clearly isn't.

Has he had or is currently in therapy?  Sometimes reading books isn't enough.  And sometime a partner being 'in the loop' doesn't feel right probably because he already has a lot of shame.  He needs to be in therapy and want to change the dynamic.

I would be feeling the same way that you are, especially since he agreed to always keep you in the loop.

I would point blank tell him that you were hurt that he said nothing to you about the call and remind him about the agreement. You guys have to stay a team.

Might be time to re-read some of those books. It's kind of like recovering alcoholics that need to keep going to AA meetings, even many years after they get sober. It keeps them on track and they have on-going support. They sometimes have to be reminded why they should stay sober.

It blows my mind when I hear about how adult children talk to their parents like that. I grew up with an alcoholic father and abusive mother. I have never accused them of ruining my life, or even discussed it. I don't expect any apologies. I have taken this unfortunate situation and created a fabulous life for myself (except for the SD). To me, you move on and try to make lemonade out of lemons. 

My S.O. of almost 20 years would never agree to "keep me in the loop".  He simply can't do it...he has to have a secretive relationship with his daughter and have it be 100% between them.  He doesn't want me involved because I'll shine light on things he wants to be in denial about.   So...i pretend she doesn't exist, I don't ask questions.   I only get involved to say what her latest criminal activities are ONLY if he mentions he's spoken to her and to draw the line that she's not allowed in our house.

Family dysfunction runs deep and the people involved usually want the dysfunction to continue. As long as it's not affecting me, he can do whatever he wants with her.  And yes, all phone calls are made in secret.

I think it was someone here that said to get the book "Stop walking on eggshells" by Mason and Kreger.

Mu brother's wife is boarder line and is much the same. She once demanded that I apologize to her for one of her wild swings, as if it was my fau6 for not knowing which eggshells to walk on. They are very hard to deal with.

Its probably really hard to talk to your DH without him reacting like he does with SD or with his ex. It's hard when you're mad but try to be compassionate. Ask him why he didn't let you support him through that call. Make it about him, not her. It's really hard being at the receiving end of a boarder line's abuse. Tell him you're concerned about his mental health. When he worries about her remind him that you can't fix or control her, and you have to be careful not to enable her. No matter what he's does she will blow up again and again.

People with boarder line don't get better, they just get worse. He can't fix her he just has to keep her in a box or at a distance. 

I'm 76, DH is 74 so we have had years of SD dysfunction.  For years, we were in the "we're a team" mode, trying to "fix" and cope with her.  Even then, he'd have the secretive calls with her.  Later, I might hear a sanitized version.  I think he was ashamed.

I disengaged from her 5 years ago after her latest 10-month stint living with us where she made our life a nightmare with her lying, drug use, theft and evil. I made arrangements for her to live elsewhere and we subsidize since her disability doesn't cover it. I told both of them what I'd do and no more.  DH misses me being on "team SD" but so sad, too bad.

He still has the secretive calls with her and he's still ashamed.  Today, she was supposed to be at our house at 11 to cut his hair and pay me her part of the shelter expense.  After him calling several times, she appeared about 12, moaned and groaned theatrically about a "severe headache", took 10 minutes to write me a check, forgot to bring her hair equipment, whined some more and left.  Bye bye.

That's awful that he cried when she abused him. But yeah it does make him seem spineless and weak, I agree.

My ex was like that: I would hear his daughter abusing the shit out of him and he would just stand there and take it. Say nothing.

I would say to him later, "honestly, stop letting her walk all over you. Just stop".

It's unattractive - yeah it just turned me right off. His daughter has BPD too so I know exactly what you're dealing with.

Well, this is tough. He has to want to change his relationship with her, and clearly he doesn't. All you can do is decide if you can live with it. My guess is that this is not the first call since May, just the first one since May that you witnessed.  Seems to me you have decide your boundaries with him rather than insisting he set boundaries with her. 

Im over 8 years in this with my DH. Married 3.5. SDnow22 Feral Forger was 15 when I came into her life. The personality is similar in that if you tell her no she will start raging at you and yelling and cursing. She doesnt have a drivers license and no job - just crashes on the couch the Bm Toxic Troll got from our house when we got new couches. 

Currently she has been no contact. Last March she was in limited contact, which I initiated because it was her bday and she mentioned she wanted a relationship with me. Since then, whenever she has difficulties and arguments with her mother, she comes to DH and asks if she can move in and he tells her no, but it is extremely hard and painful these conversations.

We have spoke of things many times. But last Christmas, she was on the phone, speaker, and crying and complaining about her mother and sister "ganging up" on her about cleaning, and words were said threats made and she sobbed as she was also telling SD15 to shut the eff up...

Just so much drama. And DH sat in his chair in the man cave sobbing silently. Just tears and tears running down his face. She had previously been 5150'ed by her mother. The mother had also threatened suicide a few times this past year.

When they bred with crazy, they didnt think of the consequences.

And now we live with them.
NOW, DH knows that I will never live with SD22 FF ever again. I dont like having roomates anymore and will not support disrespectful adults I dont care whose kid they are.

Dh doesnt tell me when he speaks with SD22 FF. Often it will come up later...like the time he took her to get boots for a job she never showed up for. Or gave her a ride somewhere (because no license...)

Sorry you are going through this it sucks.