I would just stop but I have no problem cutting jerks out of my life, including family.

I would never walk on eggshells for fear that someone would stop seeing me, even family. Nonsense.

If you tell them that you just can't do it, anymore, and why, they will just turn it around, become the victims, blame you, blah, blah, blah. Don't even give them the chance. You will end up feeling worse and the eggshells will get sharper.

Besides, they know what they are doing, you don't need to tell them. They know and they just figure that you will keep on taking it. They want you to keep on taking it and if you confront them, they will deny that they are doing anything wrong.

So, just stop. Go about your life, stop walking on eggshells, and be happy. You don't need their permission, you don't need to engage them in a conversation about it. You really don't need them, period.

I am sorry about your daughter but that happens a lot in these situations. I hope she knows that it's really nothing personal against her.

Just cut them off, do the "Fade" Ghost them or whatever.

You willl NEVER be forgiven for how you got together by your husbands kids. Never. Focus on you, your marriage, and your bios, and leave them to themselves.

In this case, I would just stop.  If they ever notice and ask, tell them why you stopped.  No need to be apologetic or confrontational.  If they ask,  just state the facts of their behavior and that you were and remain through with it.  Any further engagement is up to them and their behavioral choices.  

It is not likely that people like this will ever transition to a point where they engage reasonably so do not expect them to.  Take them at face value and keep your expectations low so you won't be disappointed.

Keep in mind that for the bio parent we share our lives with as SPs, a one time behavioral success often is built up to be a huge change and confirmation of the problem being fixed.   The "show me don't tell me" stance is far more often thannot what is required for all eternity with the ill behaved progeny of failed family couplings that occurred prior to the arrival of the SP spouse.

My 3 SKs, now in their 50s and 60s, will always resent me, too.  How much varies by person.  I have disengaged from them all, again, varying by person.  Thank goodness that yours are all old enough where you can do this.  So, for my SD60, I limit all interaction as much as possible due to her toxic personality.  I grayrock her and would be happy if I never saw her again.  While DH lives, i'm polite and civil.  SS58 is a dear, sensitive man but he's living his own life about 30 miles away.  He comes when we need something but we are not close.   I might see or talk with him every other month.  SS54 lives in a different part of the country.  He and I were never close but we are polite and civil to each other.

So, I never said, "I don't want to talk to you anymore because you will always resent me", but I don't reach out to any of them. They a seem fine with the civil and polite level of interaction. And, its important to DH that we are all  speaking. In the beginning, I fantasized about a closer relationship but it is what it is.

BM probably still plays the victim about your DH's infidelity and makes the kids think they deserve for him to grovel to them forever. Him doing so for years has made them more entitled.

Yes, you did something wrong, but that doesn't give BM or the kids license to punish you forever.  Stop letting them. As the others said, let them go and move on. 

Doesnt seem like the skids will ever get over it. Sure they didnt ask for this. Sure it wrecked their intact family.

They can hate you all they want, but if they arent respectful adios to the skids. You cannot change what has been done. If the skids do not try to heal, their choice, then they shouldnt be around you. 

Your daughter will do better without the toxic brood in her life. If adults cannot treat an innocent half sibling well, then adios. Let go of that pipe dream.

Let them play victim their  entire life. You do not need to be part of it.

No matter how you and your DH got together, his kids are all adults now. They are responsible for their own lives,and blaming their dad or you for their real or perceived troubles is just not reasonable. And, as adults, you would hope they would have a little more insight into how adult relationships work. But no matter, you tried hard and you've reached the end.

No shame in that. Heck no. Like you, I have more years behind me than in front of me, and I'm not going to waste those years trying to please anyone else. Give yourself permission to stop trying so hard. You don't need to make a major announcement to them or to DH. Just start backing away.

If you feel like you walk on eggshells around them, then don't be around them very much. They're coming to visit? "Nice, DH, enjoy your time with them, I'm going to meet friends for xyz." They're not speaking to you at the moment? Yay for you, and it's DH's relationship to sort out. You don't need to fix it. Put the responsibility where it belongs--on your DH.

My DH wishes we were that big happy family (that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist anywhere in reality). But we're not. We're all civil, sometimes friendly, but nowhere near a Rockwell painting holiday family. That's fine with me, and I long ago stopped wasting energy, trying too darn hard.

My SO was divorced for two years before I even met him. BM cheated on him, got caught, filed for divorce and moved her affair partner into the family home within weeks.  So there was no justifiable reason for SD to treat me with IMMEDIATE coldness when I came along two years later.  She's still an ice cube more than 16 years in. 

On the other hand, I have a work friend who is the same age as SD. Her father cheated, broke up the family, got divorced, and married the "other woman."  While my friend had a very rough few years when it first happened, she is now on friendly terms with the woman AND her adult kids. Same amount of time. 

I think a large part of this problem is the personality of the person involved. My SD is a self-centered princess and my work friend is a well-grounded realist who prefers to come to terms with things and move forward in a positive manner. 

Yes, adultery happens.  The why of adultery is one of the few "why's" of behavior that I put much thought into. I tend to focus on the what of the behavior rather than the why.  Far more often than not, adultery is a motivated choice.  Married people in happy marriages do not cheat.

Long story short, my first marriage ended at the 2.5 year point because my XW was hopping on every swinging Johnson within reach and expressed no interest in intimacy within our marriage.   She committed adultery. Serially, for nearly the entire marriage.  I also committed adultery, technically any way.  Though only once, if a week straight counts as once, and as a case of  self preservation. 

I married. I was all in. She was never in at all.  9mos after our wedding I was at work and noticed a young woman outside of my business just watching me.  I was young (mid 20s) fit, attractive, and my confidence was utterly gutted because my wife wanted nothing to do with me regarding intimacy.  I did not know it at the time, but my XW was not suffering from lack of intimacy. She was intimate, at will, any time, anywhere, with anyone she chose.  So, this beautiful young woman was outside of my business noticeably watching me.  After a few days of this I approached her and asked her if I could help her.  She looked at me and said "you and I have unfinished business".  It turned out that she was a young woman that had graduated from Jr. High with my younger brother. I am 6 years the elder. This young woman attended a post graduation party with my younger brother. In that community the party lasted all night, occurred at several homes, had several different phases.  Our home was the last one.  I had spent the evening driving a Suburban full of kids around to all the different party locations.  They all ended up back at our house for food, movies, and a massive slumber party.   I was 21, when we got back to our home I went to bed.  This was about 03:00.  An hour so later I was awakened when this  young woman crawled in my bed butt neked (spelling mistake on purpose).  I did not allow anything to happen. She was only 15.

Meanwhile 5 years later and back at the ranch, the young woman stalking me outside of my business was that same formerly 15yo Jr. High classmate of my younger brother.   We re-met, she invited me to a party at her home, her parents were traveling for the summer,  she told me to bring any friends I felt like bringing.  I took one of my BFFs who worked for me to the "party".  We arrived at her home that evening, my XW was on her night shift rotation in nursing school, and surprise, no party but the young woman and the two of us.  My friend left after an hour, I stayed...... for a week.  At that time my schedule was late. I closed the business and got home after midnight, got up early to commute to class, went to work after classes, and lather, rinse repeat.  My XW was in class during the morning, slept afternoons, and had night shift all night.  It was not difficult to avoid her for that incredible week.

That young woman saved my sanity and on some level probably saved my life. I was a very depressed young man. 

For my XW, adultery was a sport, for me... it was a life preserver provided by a beautiful  young woman at a very critical time.

Was I wrong? Absolutely. However, given the same situation, I would not change a thing about it.

So, do not tolerate anyone attempting to punish you and your DH.   They do not know the details, they don't need to know the details.

I was fortunate, I did not sully my gene pool with my cavern crotched adulterous skank whore of an XW.  

My DW of 27+ years brought her son to our relationship. We met when my SS-29 was 15mos old.  We married the week before he turned 2yo.  We never badmouthed his SpermIdiot.  We had always insisted that SS interface with his SpermClan respectfully.  He did that, until he aged out from under the CO at 18. At which point he and they pretty much walked away from each other.  He knows all of the facts of the relationship between his mom and the SpermIdiot, he knows all of the facts about his SpermClan. We never kept anything a secret from the Skid.  When he would come home from SpermClan visitation with questions, we would answer those questions. As he got older, he wanted to know more because they were so manipulative and toxic. Eventually SS would spend hours reading through the Custody/Visitation/Support files in our home office, listening to court recordings, recorded telephone calls of his SpermGrandHag and SpermIdiot ranting at his mom, reviewing the arrest records of his SpermIdiot, etc, etc, etc.....  We did not have to badmouth them. They destroyed themselves in SS's eyes.

Though the start of your relationship with your SO is certainly problematic, the baggage of his first marriage and the issues that the adult Skids have, are long past requiring you or your DH to suffer over.

IMHO of course.

Be good to you.

Same story here, we also have a child of our own. I'm only 6 years in....but once all the kids are adults I will be done catering to the bull shit and if the kids "aren't speaking to us" mine included (we have 5 between us 19,18,16,14,14 and ours is 3) they can just continue with that.

ive spent 6 years living with a guilty husband who parents like a complete and utter moron out of guilt which only adds to the problems...BM is a poor little victim boo freaking hoo...poor  manipulating victimized little princesses......I've been raked over the coals by own children, friends, family......I'm over it all...and I'm just angry and over it. I will not put up with one ounce of bull shit once the youngest kid graduates school. I can promise I will not give a rats ass if DHs adult daughter is mad at us....if he wants to continue the ass kissing into their adult hood he will be doing it without me.
 

live your life!