Weddings
I've been married to my husband for 11 years. Recently his son who is 35 got married in New Orleans. I was told that I needed to wear a navy blue dress and my husband had to have a suit made that was $500. My husband went and helped his son set up chairs for the wedding which was fine but then they came back and put their suits on to go have pictures done. I didn't think much about it at the time but then I was wondering about family pictures. My husband never said anything and his son didn't. I got to the wedding with my husband sisters and my husband showed up after all the pictures were taken. His sister asked about pictures and my husband said he just took a couple with son. She said so no family pictures and he replied he didn't know he had been confused about everything with this wedding. So I didn't say anything but I was wondering why I needed to buy a new dress in navy or even be there. I finally found out why I was t in the family pictures because they only took pictures with the biological parents. My step sons mother is deceased and as I said I was married to his father for 11 years. So to me that was a big slap in the face and very hurtful. I feel like my husband knew about the pictures and didn't say anything. I also feel my husband should have shown me respect and told his son it was not right to not include me in the family pics. I'm I wrong to feel like I've been disrespected by my husband and his son and new daughter-in-law?
signed hurt
Nothing like step-life to
Nothing like step-life to turn what should be a happy milestone into a toxic stew. I have no advice except i dread things like weddings and graduations, too.
NO, you are not wrong
You have the feeling something doesn't add up - and you are right. The fact that your DH didn't say anything to you after he took the photos with SS speaks volumes. Otherwise he would have said something to you right afterward. If they didn't want you in the pictures you shouldn't have been required to wear a navy blue dress.
It appears SS wants a relationship with DH but not you. Place limits on DH as of yesterday. Until he clues his son in that you are to be fully respected as his wife you will not be involved with DH's kids at all.
100%
100%
Par for the course in steplife...
I've noticed a lot of stories on here where the SM is excluded from pictures and SM is expected to be ok with it. Let them exclude someone else's spouse though, especially if said spouse is married to BM and see what happens.
I've even seen stories of SM not being allowed to sit with Dad at the wedding or reception. It's ridiculous! Why is it unacceptable to exclude Uncle George's girlfriend from pictures or make them sit separately but perfectly fine to exclude SM who has been married to Dad for years? I don't get it.
Welcome to My World
Preface: I'm back on the Board...took a few months off.
This is how I lived for 12 years. Being excluded and the few times I was in the "group" setting with DH's kids, it was like I was the big pink elephant in the room. I won't even get into the disgusting behaviors and actions used against me in those 12 years. I refused to attend the 41 year old mooch's wedding this year. And I would NEVER want to be included in photos with those disgusting humans.
My fix? I'm completely disengaged. DH sees his crew away from our marital home. I haven't spoken to any of them in over 3 years. Not that three of them have tried to weezle their way back into my life....but I'm not having it.
Hi
Nice to hear from you again, CajunMom. Hope you've been well.
Glad to see you're baaaack!
We live very similarly parallelled lives.
Great advice from the voice of experience!
CajunMom, no disrespect
CajunMom, no disrespect intended here, but why do you feel that you're on the winning side if your husband and his kids party on while you sit home or wherever else (Isn't that what the skids want??)? I feel that one day it will be easy for him to sail into the sunset...with his kids...without you because they're used to it? I will divorce before I accept my husband and his kids having a separate home, you might say, without me in it. It just feels very strange and unhealthy to me.
I don't think its about being
I don't think its about being on the 'winning side' of anything. It is just what some of us need to do to keep our own sanity in place. And its not a separate home - just that he visits with his adult kids outside of the marital home.
But honestly if the only thing keeping my SO together with me was whether his adult kids from another woman could stay in our home - than I would want him to leave. Our relationship should be about more than that (and mine fortunately is).
You're not wrong
to be upset, especially since they told you what color dress to buy. Othewise why would they care?
It would be fine to take a photo with bio parents but would it be so horrible to take one with stepparent too? I never understand that type of logic...
Me either!
My bet Alice in the Brady Bunch would be included. The SM in the toxic families are shunned.
OP Id be pissed at DH for not letting you know, he left you guessing and trying to put the puzzle pieces together. He didnt say anything because he knew this was wrong, so better to sweep it under the rug and hope you didnt notice. But hey you looked great in the navy dress, right?
If you arent treated like family, do the same to them. Geez even a deceased BM still controls the scene.
SMH
What You Just Experienced Is The Step Mother Bait & Switch By
your DH! He CLEARLY KNEW THESE WERE PRE-WEDDING "FAMILY" PHOTOS! Make no mistake, he was GIVEN SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS, as per his $500 suit, your blue dress and so forth.
It's a rare occurance when we "stepmothers" are invited, allowed, or encouraged to be included in ANY FAMILY FUNCTIONS OR RITUALS.
You have every right to be upset. This behavior reminds me of a very fundamental song I learned as a child:
"I wish I had a little white box to put my Jesus in...I'd take him out and hug, hug, hug and put Him back again. I wish I had a little black box to put the Devil in...I'd take him out and pow, pow, pow (spanking, not shooting) and put him back again."
As basic as this seems, it creates the mental focus of what is actually happening here: you are taken out of the box when it serves its purpose, and placed back in it when it doesn't. Eventually, if you "rock the boat" by speaking up about it, you'll be placed in your "little black box" spanked (verbally pistol whipped) and put back in the box.
Please know there are many of us here who have suffered your same fate and circumstances, and unfortunately, if your DH is aligning himself with his "kids" then he is not putting the marriage first. Until he does that, the suffering will continue until you eventually get tired of it.
Just wait until those grandkids make their debut! The dysfunction perpetuates generationally.
I'm hoping your man will hear you out and make the necessary changes to make this marriage successful.
For real...these
For real...these dysfunctional idiots always reproduce.
Grandkids
I won't be seeing the grandkids, I'm not the biological grandmother. I don't want anything to do with my husband's son or his wife. I don't think I can get past this.
It's Definitely Difficult
Three years into not seeing SKs. There are also grands now coming. One is over 3 years old and one was born last year. I've never seen them. Nor do I want after the BS at my DHs retirement party. The son announced their first baby coming, completely ignoring me as I sat by my husband. The boss' wife looked at me, jaw dropped. I was humiliated as so many of the people at the party were my family and friends I brought to the marriage.
I am still struggling with it all. DH is actually in CA visiting them now for a week. That trip is going to cost him right at $5K. And while I'm furious about the expense, I do not want them here. DH and I have enough struggles with this mess that he let his kids create for us. Some days, I don't know if we will make it either. I love him but the level of disrespect I've gotten over the years has taken it's toll on me. I wish you the best. Hard journey.
Wedding Photos
It is clear that whomever was planning the wedding (the bride? the bride's mother?) expected you to be in the photos. Otherwise there would have been no need for the blue dress. SS may have been missing bio Mom on his wedding day but the problem is clearly you husband. He did not INSIST that as his wife you MUST be in the family photo. You are his WIFE - not some roomate or companion. What he did was wrong and disrespectful and humiliating. It sets the stage for how the SS and SDIL will treat you in the future. If your DH wants a WIFE - he better start treating you like one or maybe you should start to rethink where (or if) you want to be in his life moving forward. If pleasing his SS is more important than pleasing you, maybe he should marry his SS? I deal with this kind of behaviour from my DH so I know how it feels. You have to stand up for yourself. Don't take it out on the SS and DIL. The problem here is your husband.
Your SS is a dick. And so is
Your SS is a dick. And so is your DH.
I am furious for you.
Wedding/Stepson
My husband and I talked last night, he said that when they were getting ready to come back and clean up for pictures he told his son that he would let me know. his son said there was not room for me in the car because they had the dog to take for pictures and that his bride only want biological parents in the pics. My husband said that's not right , he didn't like that. He told me that he didn't say anything to me because I was all ready upset about Thursday. Thursday he went with his son to help him which was fine it was supposed to be for the morning then he was going to come back so we could all go to the WWII Museum that he really wanted to see, no one else really did. But we waited around and he finally called said they had a lot more to do and to go without him. Anyway I was pretty upset because he did nit communicate what was really going on and again left me by myself, well I wasn't by myself I was with his sisters and their husbands. Anyway as we talked last night he was saying he felt bad because we only gave them $3000.00 fir a wedding gift and he wanted to give them $7000.00 which we could not afford. Any way the night before the wedding party his son and bride had an open bar so the bar bill was $2000.00, well my husband felt bad that it was so high and we only gave them $3000.00. I told him we gave what we could afford as a gift. Granted we did not pay for a resheral dinner because they did not have one. And if we would have we would not have an open bar. So the other thing he brought up was how I'm very much about family and I'm very close to my kids and the grandkids my kids were already married when we got married. Anyway we moved to CA and it was a very hard move for me, I gave up a job I loved and left my family and friends so he could take this job he wanted also we had just built a beautiful home that we had to sell. So we moved but ended up moving back home. The reason I tell you this is that now he is thinking that since his son is married and they will be starting a family he wants to move to Houston to be close to them and I understand that. He knows this would be hard for me and he is right it would be hard for me but I would do it for him like I did before but this time the grandkids are older. When we moved before my daughters husband had a terriable accident he has a brain injury he was hurt on his job so it was a terrible time for me to be leaving her and not being there to help her. But I go back and forth with this because if he can't tell his son he needs to respect me then I can't see this working. I feel like his son is more important than us and our marriage. His son is the only child he's 35 mostly lived away at college and moved to New Orleans after college for a job so he has not been with us much. He came home maybe once a year. He has a very wealthy grandmother that gives him a lot of money for XMas and birthdays etc. this is his mother's mother. His mother is deceased she died of alcoholism a few years ago. I don't know if I should stay with my husband or just let our marriage go. I love him very much and I believe in marriage and honoring our vows just don't know things will work now. I think they did in the past because his son was mostly living his own single life now it will change since he's married. Not sure what to do!
Continue
These are things I need to think about that he said:
Ive always handled the money and paying bills. Like I said when my husband was married the first time they had money from his spouses mom. My husband and his X would get $10,000 at XMas, $5000 for birthdays etc. so when he married me he no longer had that because I do not have money. Anyway he told me he was upset because he wanted to give more to his son and that he doesn't like that when he wants to buy high dollar items I tell him we need to wait or we can't or we're trying to retire we're both 65, im in banking so im very money conscious. So he doesn't like that, moving to Houston, him telling his son to respect me that's questionable, can I up and move again I don't know. Will I just end up being alone again if we move closer to his son?? These are all things I need to think about and can I leave my family again?
Your DH has no balls. If he
Your DH has no balls. If he did he would have put his foot up his rude coddled son's ass over the bio family only photographs no room in the car because of the dog bullshit.
Now for Houston. You can live there very well with a beautiful home at a fairly modest price.
Though I would refuse the move on the grounds that your life and your marriage are not about his son.
I hope that you realize that you have the control and power. You control the money, pay the bills,etc. tell him what the next move is and remind him that without you he can't function. Does he think his kid is going to care for him?
Why on earth would you give
Why on earth would you give up your own family to move closer to someone who is rude to you and your DH won't do anything about it? Love yourself more than this! You deserve so much better.
WHAT???!!
You didn't get to go because the EFFIN' DOG got your seat! I would be spitting feathers if I were youi? How damned insulting? And he 's whining because he couldn't give his rude and disrespectful son more money than he had? What I'm understanding is that he just misses his ex-MIL's money and yet is trying to make this out to be your fault.
I am inclined to tell you to split your finances and let your DuH go to Houston if that is what he wants. I understand that you don't want to divorce so let him try it out to see how he feels once he moves. There's no point moving to Houston if it's only to move back again 6 months later. Also, read your vows over again and ask yourself if he is truly taking them seriously ...
^^^Perfect Advice!!!^^^
We have a lot in common. Like your DH, when I married my DH, he had divorced with an only child, had no money. Everything was fine as long as SD came first and foremost, she could treat me disrespectfully and the money he fawned on SD was coming out of our joint funds.
I have been on this site since 2010, continue to see women in the same situation I was in then, and we are STILL giving them the same advice: Marriage is the top priority, accept nothing less. There has to be commitment on both sides. Winterglow's suggestion is spot on. Let DH go to Houston or wherever, and have a relationship with SS on his own dime. This will give you some 'alone' time to think. Take it from me - I went through this B.S. for over 30 years and am now getting divorce. If I had some 'alone' time in 2010 I would have divorced DH then. It doesn't get any better with time if things stay the same.
Well, now, you have ...
... a useful bit of information, namely that your DH will allow his crotchling to disrespect you.
Good to know. Behave accordingly. Bearing in mind that I"m not much for turning the other cheek or being the bigger person, I recommend the following:
--Crotchling is dead to you. DItto his spouse and any grand-crotchlings who may come along in the future.
--DH is up to his ears in hot water and will stay there until and unless he puts SS and you in the proper order, meaning you and your needs and wants come first and SS's are a distant second.
How you do these is very particular to your circumstances, and will need to be customized. My general advice is to prepare for war. It's not easy to get these idiots to re-order their priorities, but you have to do it to stay sane.
ETA: If someone told me I had to wear a certain color, I'd consult my color wheel to find the 180-degree opposite of that color and show up in that. That "you gotta wear what I say" crap ended for me last time I wore a graduation gown. That's just how I roll.
I'm with you, Miss T.
I'm with you, Miss T. Somebody tells me I have to do something, you can be sure that is the exact thing I will NOT be doing. I guess my boss might be an exception, but he never demands. He asks.
So the son lives in New Orleans? And DH wants to move to Houston? That's a 6-7 hour drive. Is the sole reason he wants to move to be closer to his son? Seems he'd pick a closer spot. But, either way, I'd NOT move my life for him so you can be in the shadow of his rude son. Would not take me 30 seconds to make that decision.
Excluded from the pictures.
Excluded from the pictures. Oh, can I relate! If you looked at SD's wedding albums, of the wedding DH paid for, you would not know I exist.
There is no way I would move to be closer to this son. His son is a liar. He put the blame on his new wife when he told his dad that the bride only wanted biological parents in the pictures. SS was raised by a coward would would not stand up for his wife. Move closer so they can ignore you on the holidays. Exclude you from the the future grandchildren. The handwriting is on the wall. Read it.
It Seems SS Has A Testicle Lockbox OR He's Using Her As His
scapegoat. Either way, he is about as balless as HIS FATHER. Funny how someone WITH ABSOLUTELY NO BALLS can procreate.
DO NOT MOVE AGAIN.
One good thing: New Orleans is below sea level, and hurricane prone. With any luck it'll get wiped off the map. I'm kidding of course.
You're losing repsect and faith in your DH. In turn, you will fall completely out of love with him because you are already seeing he doesn't have your back.
$3,000 is a VERY GENERSOUS GIFT.
You control the money. Set aside a nice portion for yourself. When the fecal matter hits the oscilating device, you're going to need all you can get.
As a wife who has been disrespected, deceived and betrayed all in the name of wealthy "adult" brats, it will NOT GET BETTER, especially if you keep accommodating his needs and wishes. What about yours? Would he move to suit you? You mentioned your daughter's husband had a very bad accident that caused brain damage. I'm so sorry to learn that, as I know the marriage is forever changed, but moreso because you couldn't be there for her during her time of great distress and need. Look at what YOU ARE SACRIFICING. Ask yourself, what is DH giving up FOR YOU? Anything?
Nobody enters their marriage with the thought they will just divorce if things don't work out, however, when you are feeling second in your marriage, and you have evidentiary proof, it's time to take a good long look and do what I call a "realtionship autopsy." Take it apart piece by piece and analyze it.
I was looking at a book that a popular counselor has out on marital improvment. It has some worksheets/questionaires in it. I ran off copies. I was able to answer almost all 20 questions about DH accurately, but he couldn't even answer half of them correctly about me. Eventually, he threw the sheets I took the time to make copies of, away.
There was a time, and not so long ago that there was NOTHING I wouldn't do for this man. I not only loved him, I ADORED HIM, or who I THOUGHT HE WAS. As time has marched on, I just feel numb and sad a lot of the time. DH has given up nothing for me, however, I have given up much to be his wife (sex for almost 15 years, no compliments, no affection whatsoever, independence, my career, closeness with my own children, not feeling valued , learniing of his severe alcohol induced brain damage(requires extra medical attention and care on my behalf) and so much more). This moves in phases, and you are in the beginning phase. I know 15 years is quite a while, because I'm where you're at there, but please, think of yourself, your happiness and what you deserve. You're 65, and still have a lot of life to live.
Keep us updated please.
SS
Miss Texas, thank you it's very hard because we have a good marriage. We truly enjoy each other and like being together. But I guess I'm just not enough.
HUN
You are more than enough! YOU are too good for this toxic clusterfluck. You obviously married beneath you.
Lesson learned. Head held high and slam the door on toxic.
Nholt75, you know what
Nholt75, you know what happened because your gut has told you. They all deceived you. If my husband did what yours did, I would leave him. He deceived you re this and he'll deceive you re other things as well. He's essentially a liar. I'm sorry that happened to you as it had to be a gut punch.
I hope you get outta there as soon as you can get the strength. Hugs...
I would want to be near my
I would want to be near my kids and grandkids, not his.
Your own children obviously love and need you. Your husband shows you zero respect and is all too ready to leap to do toxic son's bidding.
I know you say you love him, but stop and look hard at what retirement will be like for you if you stay with this gutless wonder....
To be honest, I am
To be honest, I am technically "ok" with having some "in case of divorce" level pictures.. which means that the photographer takes many different itterations of pictures so that there are some with spouses.. and some without.. so not every wedding photo ends up having someone's "ex" in it..
BUT, to completely exclude a spouse from the family pics? That doesn't seem right... and not sure why they dictated the specific color of the dress unless they were going for some overall theme that it would fit.